Is God truly enough?

stacieleigh · Sep 7, 2018

They say people can hit “rock bottom.” I wonder if I’ve hit below “rock bottom.” I’ve been living in a terrifying darkness for the past 2 months that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. All external circumstances in my life are perfect. But my mind is absolutely ill. As a result of an ill mind, my shaky, uneasy body has also been to hell and back. As an 8th year teacher, I’ve barely survived my first two weeks teaching school this year with my mother sitting in the parking lot some days. I realize how humiliating that is, but at this point of desperation I don’t really care.

To anyone who thinks it is impossible to have mental illness and be a Christian, you’d better drop to your knees right now and praise God that you don’t know otherwise. But, as someone who has suffered for several years of ups-and-downs with mental illness, and as a Christian, I honestly can’t say at the moment that I truly believe that God is enough.

As a high school teacher, I sometimes encouter students who share similar struggles as me. I know there are several more who have the same struggles, but haven’t shared them with me. This week, I had a meeting with a student, her mom, and other teachers about her need for homebound instruction due to anxiety. I’ve taught her older brothers, and know all about her family’s severe issues.

As I thought back on the meeting, I know I should’ve been able to tell her that there is hope. I should’ve been able to share that I’ve been where she is, God has brought me out of it before, and there is hope. Obviously I cannot say anything about God as a public school teacher. But if I could, I probably would not have bothered.

It’s not that I don’t believe that God is capable of healing me or her from mental illness. I completely believe that God is powerful and can heal if he chooses to. But I can’t trust in that. I can’t count on God healing me, because he might or he might not. I’ve begged and pleaded for hours for God to give me peace. Peace that passes all understanding, as he promises in his word. It has been several months since I’ve felt true peace. Even for 10 minutes at a time.

I’ve been on medicines for several years. Due to the years of guilt my father has placed on me for taking the pills, I can hardly truly reap the benefits. However, I’ve felt peace from the unbearable symptoms of constant anxiety when I’ve been on medicine. Unfortunatley, no pill has worked more than about a year without having to increase the dose, and then I have to change to a different medicine. The process of changing medicines (where I am now) can be absolute hell. But, looking back, it feels like the only thing that has helped, although not for long periods of time, has been medicine.

I wish so badly that anything about being a Christian, knowing God, God’s word, etc…would be what helps me and brings me peace. Unfortunately, it just hasn’t. I know that maybe God will choose to heal me and maybe he won’t. If it’s like my past has been, He will probably use the medicine to help me feel some peace most of the time for a year or so, and then the darkness will come back, often worse than ever.

We all know that God doesn’t promise to spare us from suffering. But, he promises to give us peace. I guess I am at a point where I don’t feel like I can “trust” a God who allows us to suffer. He allows Satan to terrorize us. And, he hasn’t given me peace. Also, due to the chemicals in my brain, my body feels the constant, uneasy feeling that something terrible is about to happen, and feels the sick, shaky uneasiness of awaiting something dreadful. So, why shouldn’t I be scared, moment by moment?

I’m at a point where I wish something about being a Christian would help. I am grateful for salvation and glad that at least someone who is much bigger than me can hear me and see the big picture, and can choose to take the suffering away. I sometimes find peace in the thought of going to Heaven, but then I think, if I can’t enjoy my seemingly “perfect” life where I have literally everything I need, so many blessings, and have hardly ever suffered from anything other than mental illness, then who’s to say I would enjoy Heaven? I wish I knew how to feel comfort simply being in God’s presence and knowing He is here with me.

There’s GOT to be something I’m missing here…

Presbyterian Continuist · Sep 7, 2018

stacieleigh said:
They say people can hit “rock bottom.” I wonder if I’ve hit below “rock bottom.” I’ve been living in a terrifying darkness for the past 2 months that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. All external circumstances in my life are perfect. But my mind is absolutely ill. As a result of an ill mind, my shaky, uneasy body has also been to hell and back. As an 8th year teacher, I’ve barely survived my first two weeks teaching school this year with my mother sitting in the parking lot some days. I realize how humiliating that is, but at this point of desperation I don’t really care.

To anyone who thinks it is impossible to have mental illness and be a Christian, you’d better drop to your knees right now and praise God that you don’t know otherwise. But, as someone who has suffered for several years of ups-and-downs with mental illness, and as a Christian, I honestly can’t say at the moment that I truly believe that God is enough.

As a high school teacher, I sometimes encouter students who share similar struggles as me. I know there are several more who have the same struggles, but haven’t shared them with me. This week, I had a meeting with a student, her mom, and other teachers about her need for homebound instruction due to anxiety. I’ve taught her older brothers, and know all about her family’s severe issues.

As I thought back on the meeting, I know I should’ve been able to tell her that there is hope. I should’ve been able to share that I’ve been where she is, God has brought me out of it before, and there is hope. Obviously I cannot say anything about God as a public school teacher. But if I could, I probably would not have bothered.

It’s not that I don’t believe that God is capable of healing me or her from mental illness. I completely believe that God is powerful and can heal if he chooses to. But I can’t trust in that. I can’t count on God healing me, because he might or he might not. I’ve begged and pleaded for hours for God to give me peace. Peace that passes all understanding, as he promises in his word. It has been several months since I’ve felt true peace. Even for 10 minutes at a time.

I’ve been on medicines for several years. Due to the years of guilt my father has placed on me for taking the pills, I can hardly truly reap the benefits. However, I’ve felt peace from the unbearable symptoms of constant anxiety when I’ve been on medicine. Unfortunatley, no pill has worked more than about a year without having to increase the dose, and then I have to change to a different medicine. The process of changing medicines (where I am now) can be absolute hell. But, looking back, it feels like the only thing that has helped, although not for long periods of time, has been medicine.

I wish so badly that anything about being a Christian, knowing God, God’s word, etc…would be what helps me and brings me peace. Unfortunately, it just hasn’t. I know that maybe God will choose to heal me and maybe he won’t. If it’s like my past has been, He will probably use the medicine to help me feel some peace most of the time for a year or so, and then the darkness will come back, often worse than ever.

We all know that God doesn’t promise to spare us from suffering. But, he promises to give us peace. I guess I am at a point where I don’t feel like I can “trust” a God who allows us to suffer. He allows Satan to terrorize us. And, he hasn’t given me peace. Also, due to the chemicals in my brain, my body feels the constant, uneasy feeling that something terrible is about to happen, and feels the sick, shaky uneasiness of awaiting something dreadful. So, why shouldn’t I be scared, moment by moment?

I’m at a point where I wish something about being a Christian would help. I am grateful for salvation and glad that at least someone who is much bigger than me can hear me and see the big picture, and can choose to take the suffering away. I sometimes find peace in the thought of going to Heaven, but then I think, if I can’t enjoy my seemingly “perfect” life where I have literally everything I need, so many blessings, and have hardly ever suffered from anything other than mental illness, then who’s to say I would enjoy Heaven? I wish I knew how to feel comfort simply being in God’s presence and knowing He is here with me.

There’s GOT to be something I’m missing here…

Neil Anderson has written a good book called: "Finding Hope Again." This is the best book I have ever read about mental illness. It explores the different areas, and the different strategies needed to bring relief. It indicates where counselling will help, and where counselling won't help, it suggests that medical intervention may be the answer. He says that if counselling or medical doesn't help, then maybe spiritual intervention would be required. I think it is a very wise and balanced book.

In the late 1990s, I went through a period of depression, and my doctor prescribed prozac. It helped me through and after nine months, I was weaned off it. My depression was not spiritual. It was triggered by being made redundant from my teaching job for the second time. It helped me keep myself together until I applied for and gained another teaching position.

When my daughter was 16 years old she went through the next two years with clinical depression. She needed medical, psychiatric and a time in a rehab centre. She came out the other side of it intact, but still takes a mild dose of anti-depressants as a preventative measure.

Mental illness is not always because a person has a demon or is spiritually not right with God. It is usually a sickness just like any other sickness that we have to encounter. When a person has the flu, or chicken pox, we can see the symptoms, but with mental illness we can't see the symptoms and so some are fooled into telling people to "harden up" or "pull yourself together", or "get that depression demon cast out of you", when that sort of advice just plunged the sick person into a deeper depression.

I know that there are Christian groups that believe that going to the doctor and getting medication for depression is sinful and upsets their relationship with God. I don't happen to believe that one bit. If I need to take Panadol when my sinuses are painful because of a cold, or ibuprofen when the arthritis in my wrists gets sore, then why not take medication when I get depressed?

Counselling can get to the root cause of what is triggering the depression, and medication can sort out the chemicals in the brain to deal with the highs and lows, prayer and faith can deal with the spiritual side. All three are excellent resources in the fight against depression. "Soldiering on" without those resources is, in my opinion, the least helpful.

RoseforChrist · Sep 7, 2018

Prayers for you. I suffer with mental illness as well. It is real.

joshua 1 9 · Sep 7, 2018

stacieleigh said:
But my mind is absolutely ill.

God "gives us power, love and a sound mind". We can have the Mind of Christ and we are to be of one mind and one accord.

stacieleigh said:
There’s GOT to be something I’m missing here…

That is an understatement. There is so much available for you that you have not learned how to walk in. We need to overcome though the Blood of Jesus, there is power in the Blood. God can set us free in two to five minutes. Although it can take our whole life to learn how to walk in the freedom that Jesus provides for us.

A good place to begin is with thanksgiving and praise: "Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise" Psalm 100:4

RoseforChrist · Sep 7, 2018

You need to surround yourself with people who love on you so much...and maybe helping others might help...it definitely helps me. There will be times though that we as followers do have to carry our cross....these are the times that only God can fix...You have a purpose and your pain has a purpose even if you do not receive healing its all to the glory of God! Is it worth it though...that only you can decide. Medication only helps temporary. Being faithful to God in all circumstances is all that matters no matter your situation. Even if it means just to live one more day...even just be thankful for one thing in your life. Much love to you❤

joshua 1 9 · Sep 7, 2018

Oscarr said:
I know that there are Christian groups that believe that going to the doctor and getting medication for depression is sinful and upsets their relationship with God.

If people go to a doctor then the doctor should do whatever they can to help them. If people go to a church looking for Help then the Church should do all they can to help them receive what God has for them.

Jesus talks about: "where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.” Sometimes we need help and we need to join together with others. It is the people that get separated off by themselves that have trouble making it on their own.

"Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." Ecc 4:12

St_Worm2 · Sep 7, 2018

Praying for you @stacieleigh. I am very sorry to hear about all the struggles you are having.

--David

dysert · Sep 7, 2018

joshua 1 9 said:
God "gives us power, love and a sound mind". We can have the Mind of Christ and we are to be of one mind and one accord.

The word translated "sound mind" would be more accurately translated "disciplined" or "self controlled". (Check some other translations.) It does not mean that a Christian cannot get a mental illness.

dreadnought · Sep 7, 2018

stacieleigh said:
They say people can hit “rock bottom.” I wonder if I’ve hit below “rock bottom.” I’ve been living in a terrifying darkness for the past 2 months that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. All external circumstances in my life are perfect. But my mind is absolutely ill. As a result of an ill mind, my shaky, uneasy body has also been to hell and back. As an 8th year teacher, I’ve barely survived my first two weeks teaching school this year with my mother sitting in the parking lot some days. I realize how humiliating that is, but at this point of desperation I don’t really care.

To anyone who thinks it is impossible to have mental illness and be a Christian, you’d better drop to your knees right now and praise God that you don’t know otherwise. But, as someone who has suffered for several years of ups-and-downs with mental illness, and as a Christian, I honestly can’t say at the moment that I truly believe that God is enough.

As a high school teacher, I sometimes encouter students who share similar struggles as me. I know there are several more who have the same struggles, but haven’t shared them with me. This week, I had a meeting with a student, her mom, and other teachers about her need for homebound instruction due to anxiety. I’ve taught her older brothers, and know all about her family’s severe issues.

As I thought back on the meeting, I know I should’ve been able to tell her that there is hope. I should’ve been able to share that I’ve been where she is, God has brought me out of it before, and there is hope. Obviously I cannot say anything about God as a public school teacher. But if I could, I probably would not have bothered.

It’s not that I don’t believe that God is capable of healing me or her from mental illness. I completely believe that God is powerful and can heal if he chooses to. But I can’t trust in that. I can’t count on God healing me, because he might or he might not. I’ve begged and pleaded for hours for God to give me peace. Peace that passes all understanding, as he promises in his word. It has been several months since I’ve felt true peace. Even for 10 minutes at a time.

I’ve been on medicines for several years. Due to the years of guilt my father has placed on me for taking the pills, I can hardly truly reap the benefits. However, I’ve felt peace from the unbearable symptoms of constant anxiety when I’ve been on medicine. Unfortunatley, no pill has worked more than about a year without having to increase the dose, and then I have to change to a different medicine. The process of changing medicines (where I am now) can be absolute hell. But, looking back, it feels like the only thing that has helped, although not for long periods of time, has been medicine.

I wish so badly that anything about being a Christian, knowing God, God’s word, etc…would be what helps me and brings me peace. Unfortunately, it just hasn’t. I know that maybe God will choose to heal me and maybe he won’t. If it’s like my past has been, He will probably use the medicine to help me feel some peace most of the time for a year or so, and then the darkness will come back, often worse than ever.

We all know that God doesn’t promise to spare us from suffering. But, he promises to give us peace. I guess I am at a point where I don’t feel like I can “trust” a God who allows us to suffer. He allows Satan to terrorize us. And, he hasn’t given me peace. Also, due to the chemicals in my brain, my body feels the constant, uneasy feeling that something terrible is about to happen, and feels the sick, shaky uneasiness of awaiting something dreadful. So, why shouldn’t I be scared, moment by moment?

I’m at a point where I wish something about being a Christian would help. I am grateful for salvation and glad that at least someone who is much bigger than me can hear me and see the big picture, and can choose to take the suffering away. I sometimes find peace in the thought of going to Heaven, but then I think, if I can’t enjoy my seemingly “perfect” life where I have literally everything I need, so many blessings, and have hardly ever suffered from anything other than mental illness, then who’s to say I would enjoy Heaven? I wish I knew how to feel comfort simply being in God’s presence and knowing He is here with me.

There’s GOT to be something I’m missing here…

Yes, the Lord is enough. He will always show us the way.

Llleopard · Sep 7, 2018

Praying for you, and your wonderful mom! Good on you both for doing what it takes to keep you going in the darkest times. I agree with others here- counselling, medication, faith, and people to love and support you. You are very courageous!

Southernscotty · Sep 8, 2018

Standing with all in prayer agreement. I pray that God will mold this clay into something beautiful

Chris V++ · Sep 8, 2018

stacieleigh said:
There’s GOT to be something I’m missing here…

Did writing the post in this forum help you even a little bit? Maybe you need an artistic and/ or a physical outlet. When I exercise I can actually feel the daily stress evaporate. I also have my art which can be a therapeutic distraction. Uplifting Christian radio music is great for worship during commutes. I've never been on psychotropic drugs but I do know a little about withdrawal which can also cause anxiety and depression.

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