Husband's actions say he wants out

Hi everyone. First, I am sooo sorry this is so long, I guess this is cathartic for me, and it is a situation spanning just about 20 years.

At the time I met my husband I was a believer who grew up in church, but I honestly did not pay very much attention as a teen/young adult. I got married at age 22, and it should have been a big giant red flag that he did not want to go to marriage counseling. I have attachment issues so I married anyways (parents did not connect with me emotionally, although they were there). I feel he married me because he didn't want to look like he was "living in sin" to his parents any longer. He grew up LDS, but left the church at age 18, and ever since the day he was able to move out he moved directly to a ski resort and began the work hard/play hard party lifestyle. I believe he began drinking to self-medicate whatever pain he was trying to block out from childhood. Recently he denied that he had anything that bothered him from childhood, although his sister said their father was VERY hard on him. Just a few days ago he told me that he lied about his beliefs as an older child/young man in order to "protect his mother's feelings" (he wouldn't get to be in heaven with his family if he didn't believe in the LDS version of God).

Fast forward to today, and we have two kids, a 16 year old and 18 year old. Both difficult, yet intelligent and loving kids (higher end of autism spectrum). From the get-go in our marriage my husband would stay out all night after skiing/drinking, going out with friends, etc. at least one night per month (on average). I had no idea where he was and I didn't ask, because I didn't believe he was cheating, although I'm sure he liked attention. I never thought he would lie to me. I am extremely codependent, and like his mother I have walked on eggshells around him as his temper can come out of nowhere, and while not a belligerent stumbling drunk, he is a functioning alcoholic. He has told his family I am the reason he has never gotten ahead in life, I did this, I did that, etc.

Last summer I really began to put pressure on him because I was tired of living separate lives, and we had no intimacy, he never invited me on his long hikes or walks, or to the pub he would go to (walking distance at the resort where our house is). I saw pictures of cute models in pretty dresses on his phone, definitely not inappropriate contentographic, but it still hurt because he didn't show me any attention. When push came to shove he just began to drink more and more, as if he were rebelling, and then his emotional abuse: gas-lighting, stonewalling, leaving me out, making me feel crazy, coming home drunk, led me to give him an ultimatum. Stop drinking, as it was hurting us (the kids were asking to leave a couple years earlier) or we leave. He said no. So I got an apartment, stopped talking to him for an entire month, and then of course let him back into our lives one month later (mainly because I broke my ankle and needed help). I have not moved back though.

I cared so much about him that I pushed my kids to have a relationship with him. I hate the idea of them not having a father. You know what, though? He has never been attentive, he has never done much with them, he has left my son out at every turn, and they are really heading the wrong way in life for it. I trust God that they will turn out okay, but it breaks my heart that I stayed so long. So after advice from my pastors at church, I have done my best to love him, to pray for him, to make plans to move back with him since he promises to put into practice what he has been hearing in church. You know what though? I doubt he will. He has never repented for anything he has done to hurt me. He isn't motivated to make any changes to get us back because he is living his dream ski bum resort lifestyle in our ski resort house that I got the loan for and opened a business to obtain to keep HIM happy because I was codependent. I wanted to live there also, but ski resorts have been horrible influence on him.

So finally, last Saturday was the last straw. I was talking to him on Facetime and I told him I wanted to come up and bring him dinner, and we could watch a movie. He immediately sounded depressed, then after I pushed it (calling his bluff) I said "you have plans." He denied it and tried to pick a fight with me, obviously to keep me at home. He turned his phone off, and I knew he had plans because he always turns his phone off when he wants to go drink. I went to the pub where I knew he would be and he told me to sit down, and I hugged him, asked him how his sleep was, and told him (very loudly in other words than this...) if he wanted me there he would have invited me, and his wife may have cancer, his kids have autism, go home! Everyone gasped, because I don't think anyone knew he was married. I called him all night until the next morning because I was so angry and wanted answers (duh), and he never answered although his phone was on. I broke down a couple of days ago and called him after he had texted me with a question about a bill. I spoke with him tonight because I wanted to leave no stone unturned and told him he was invited to counseling (phone counseling with a Focus on the Family referred counselor) this Monday. I felt "triggered" and asked him what he was doing after I left that night, and he said he was angry so he drank more (when before I freaked on him he was going home...lie), and went to a wedding reception in the village there. He said he listened to a band and danced. I asked him if he danced with girls, and he said "ya, one." I asked if they touched, and he said "no." I just started crying, and he told me he took me to a nice dinner and why did I need to ruin it by bringing up crap, and I said the only way our marriage can work is counseling, because there is too much hurt on both sides (I have hurt him badly in the past a few times. I left him before, then apologized and repented). I just cried as usual and told him if he wanted to do counseling then fine, if not then we are done.

He said he likes living alone and he doesn't want to do counseling. Then 10 minutes later when I told him how he was hurting the family, he said he would do counseling. I can't take this anymore. I am finally building a support system, and need to spend time with God, and focus on my own recovery from codependency. I plan to call the guy for the counseling (I have my own counselor as well), and so I thought I'd send my husband a text telling him he has chosen repeatedly with actions NOT to love me as God has designed. I will give him the number and time of the counseling, but I will not see him or talk to him other than at that time, and if prompted by the counselor. That counselor said that he needs to hit his rock bottom, and what consequence will make him hit it? I told him telling his family he needs help, and passing the buck over to them. That would definitely hurt, because he cares more about what they all think than what we think. I don't believe my husband can love at this point. He loves himself, and he does not want to submit to God. Any advice on how to handle this from here on out? I feel so broken, but after 20 years I did find the courage to move out, and now I need a backbone and worry about myself and the kids more than his feelings and comfortableness.

dysert said:

Hi Stacy. Welcome to CF.

Your situation sounds a bit similar to mine, although I don't drink, get angry, or hang up on my wife. What's similar is that I haven't loved my wife as Christ loves the Church (Eph. 5:25). I have also said things that have hurt her deeply. She also left me for a year about eight years ago to see if I'd "work" to get her back. (I didn't :-() She came back to me anyway after the year was up. We've been to many different counselors, but all the counseling has done no good.

Although there is blame to be assigned to both my wife and me, I believe the bulk of the problem is the fact that I pretty much live in my own little bubble, and I don't feel much compassion or love for my wife. Unless that changes, I believe we are doomed to live in an unhappy relationship until one of us dies. (We are both opposed to getting divorced, and she can't earn enough money to live on her own without my help.)

It sounds like your husband has the same kind of issue - and more (add his drinking, anger, running around, etc.). He probably prefers to live alone because he can do what he wants with no responsibilities and no one to answer to. I doubt that anything short of a crisis will change him.

I hesitate to say this, but it is what I think. If you can afford to live on your own (with your kids), then I would do so. I would only talk to your husband when necessary (e.g., signing a joint tax filing). Don't be quick to take him back. He must have a chance to live his fantasy to its ultimate conclusion and decide if he's willing to be with you or not. You can't make him want you, and from my experience counseling won't help.

I just prayed for you. I hope you'll have the courage and the tenacity to do what you believe to be the right thing. Why waste the rest of your life waiting on something that may never occur?

Click to expand...

Thank you for your honest reply to my post. It is refreshing to hear it from the guys point of view, especially one who owns up to his part of the problem. Yes, my husband lives in a bubble. We did start counseling with a counselor/Christian life coach (he is at the Focus on the Family headquarters in CO, so phone coaching for now). He impressed upon us the cycle of His Fear —-> his behaviors —-> sets off my fear which leads to my bad behavior and so on in a cycle. So we need to discover our childhood fears that we brought into the relationship. My husband said he wants to work through this counseling (on his own and sometimes with me) so we can all move back together. He also said he’s not going to the pub anymore, that he doesn’t like the way some of the people there act, and he doesn’t like feeling horrible the next day. So we were focusing on disclosing fears, and I told him I fear he will go hang out with other women, but he says he doesn’t hang out with women, but is he supposed to ignore any woman who says hello? I told him he shouldn’t decide to go to the pub in the future without me, that it is disrespectful, and he is living in a fantasy world. Married men don’t hang out at pubs fir a few hours once or twice per week. He agreed he’d have me go along, but he said he doesn’t see what’s wrong with going to get away. Well the point is that he’s always went away on his own, and he doesn’t seem to get that I need a 1 flesh marriage, a best friend, and it hurts me just to know that beer is so important to him that he’s wave goodbye to me over it. So I guess not much progress has been made, but I threw jabs at him all evening out of jealousy, because he’s spent all these nights hanging out with everyone else, and he’s admitted to flirting. So I think you are right. As much as I want to be together, I think I need to let it run it’s course and if he decides he wants me, then he will need to show me.

akmom said:

My last comment was too blunt and reported as inappropriate, so I'll try for a better response.

I didn't read anything in the original post that implicates the husband has a problem. There is a mention that he drinks, but it doesn't sound like it is necessarily excessive. I know a lot of women feel like aren't emotionally fulfilled, and they vilify their husbands for this. The OP is blaming her husband for a lot of things, but the complaints are pretty vague.

I understand why the husband was appalled when she made a scene in that restaurant, loudly accusing him of abandoning her when she had cancer and the kids had autism. She didn't specify whether she actually had cancer, or lied about it for shock value. But she did mention that the kids are high-functioning, so screaming out that diagnosis was clearly meant to make him look bad. Some forms of autism are so severe that a child needs 24/7 supervision, and it sounds like the OP was capitalizing on this to mislead people into thinking THAT was her situation. That would be disingenuous. Blurting that out in public was so disrespectful... how can a person expect to repair a marriage by behaving like that?

Click to expand...

Wow, you have made quite a few assumptions here. Maybe I held some things back due to the fact I don’t want everyone on here to know everything about my life. One public blow up after 19 years of emotional and verbal abuse, and yes, I have Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma (seeing the oncologist for my first appointment Friday). I have literally done everything I can think of to honor my husband, even to the point of allowing him to go out anytime he wants just to keep the peace. The week before he was drinking all day, leaving my son home all day in front of a computer screen. I think I was pretty clear in saying that for 20 years my husband has routinely stayed out all hours of the night, his drinking is a problem because he is hung over most of the weekend, therefore my kids (who are on the autism spectrum- they are verbal yet ectremely difficult to handle on my own due to sensory processing disorder, sever social anxiety, special interests that become obsessive)... I feel horrible my kids have not had a father to do much of anything with them, yet I have still tried to facilitate a relationship between them all. Above all though, I would think that someone on a Christian forum would recognize that the actions and behaviors described are not honoring God, and definitely not our marriage. I really am not trying to sound rude, I’m just not sure what you would deem as behavior warranting separation. Sorry if I wasn’t clear enough. I actually didn’t want to paint my husband in such a bad light that others would assume our situation was absolutely hopeless.

OK Jeff said:

His behavior is that of an alcoholic. You said he loves himself...I disagree. He can’t stand himself more so than anything. He’s miserable and doesn’t yet realize it. Unfortunately there isn’t much you can do but protect yourself and your kids. The other unfortunate fact is that his bottom may not come on this side of mortality. That’s just the case with some. That’s the best I can tell you. BTW, I’m a recovering alcoholic, so I know.

Click to expand...

Yes, I think what hurts the most is to see him hate himself. But I have been wondering, at what point is his wanting to go out to have fun (and getting a buzz is fun for him) considered alcoholism. I agree he is an alcoholic, but can wanting to go party at the ski resort considered the same as getting absolutely drunk? I think that both are signs of alcoholism. I like to have fun, but I can do it without alcohol, and ensure my kids have a present parent. If I can ask, what did it take for you to stop drinking?

OK Jeff said:

The unfortunate part of alcoholism is that it’s a self diagnosed disease. Until he’s ready to say it, nothing will change. I myself just one day reached a point I could no longer stand who I’d become. “The man in the mirror” as they say. It wasn’t as overly eventful day. I just finally saw myself as I really was and had to make a change.
As far as the mechanics of what constitutes an alcoholic, that’s a line that isn’t always easy to see. It’s his described behavior that brings me to the conclusion. It’s sounds exactly like my former self (and current if I’m not working my program). The blowups when he wants to drink, the indifference toward you, they’re textbook. Bad news is there isn’t a lot you can do to make him see the obvious. Not until he’s ready.
I will share one little tidbit that I don’t know if it’s helpful or not, but I was indifferent toward my wife. I didn’t think I still wanted to be married. I thought it was her making me unhappy. Well after five years sober, I learned I had almost lost her. One day she was coming home from town to collect her things and leave. But she said she felt the Holy Spirt speak to her heart...”wait a little longer”. At that she cried all the way home. But I sobered up within a couple weeks of that day. I got physically sick when she told me, years later, that I was almost divorced. And that simply coming home to me was that traumatic.
Prayers with you in your troubles. There simply isn’t an easy answer.

Click to expand...

Thank you for your post and being so open about your past struggles. With him I keep thinking he will come to the end of himself, but then again, I feel like he could be a full-blown narcissist. I guess most alcoholics are narcissists already? I watched a good video by a Christian man who knows a lot about narcissism, and what he said is what I’ve always felt...

Narcissists will declare their love for you but never back it up with action. They use you as a means to an end. They either use you to look good to the eyes of society, or they use you to feel good about themselves.

My husband has always been more concerned with what his family thinks of him than anything. Anything that goes wrong is my fault, and he declares it so I can be the fall guy. Then he hides who he is to them. He works so hard, yet I spend all his money. The kids have all these problems because I bought them a computer or Nintendo.

I’m exhausted.