Hi everyone. First, I am sooo sorry this is so long, I guess this is cathartic for me, and it is a situation spanning just about 20 years.
At the time I met my husband I was a believer who grew up in church, but I honestly did not pay very much attention as a teen/young adult. I got married at age 22, and it should have been a big giant red flag that he did not want to go to marriage counseling. I have attachment issues so I married anyways (parents did not connect with me emotionally, although they were there). I feel he married me because he didn't want to look like he was "living in sin" to his parents any longer. He grew up LDS, but left the church at age 18, and ever since the day he was able to move out he moved directly to a ski resort and began the work hard/play hard party lifestyle. I believe he began drinking to self-medicate whatever pain he was trying to block out from childhood. Recently he denied that he had anything that bothered him from childhood, although his sister said their father was VERY hard on him. Just a few days ago he told me that he lied about his beliefs as an older child/young man in order to "protect his mother's feelings" (he wouldn't get to be in heaven with his family if he didn't believe in the LDS version of God).
Fast forward to today, and we have two kids, a 16 year old and 18 year old. Both difficult, yet intelligent and loving kids (higher end of autism spectrum). From the get-go in our marriage my husband would stay out all night after skiing/drinking, going out with friends, etc. at least one night per month (on average). I had no idea where he was and I didn't ask, because I didn't believe he was cheating, although I'm sure he liked attention. I never thought he would lie to me. I am extremely codependent, and like his mother I have walked on eggshells around him as his temper can come out of nowhere, and while not a belligerent stumbling drunk, he is a functioning alcoholic. He has told his family I am the reason he has never gotten ahead in life, I did this, I did that, etc.
Last summer I really began to put pressure on him because I was tired of living separate lives, and we had no intimacy, he never invited me on his long hikes or walks, or to the pub he would go to (walking distance at the resort where our house is). I saw pictures of cute models in pretty dresses on his phone, definitely not inappropriate contentographic, but it still hurt because he didn't show me any attention. When push came to shove he just began to drink more and more, as if he were rebelling, and then his emotional abuse: gas-lighting, stonewalling, leaving me out, making me feel crazy, coming home drunk, led me to give him an ultimatum. Stop drinking, as it was hurting us (the kids were asking to leave a couple years earlier) or we leave. He said no. So I got an apartment, stopped talking to him for an entire month, and then of course let him back into our lives one month later (mainly because I broke my ankle and needed help). I have not moved back though.
I cared so much about him that I pushed my kids to have a relationship with him. I hate the idea of them not having a father. You know what, though? He has never been attentive, he has never done much with them, he has left my son out at every turn, and they are really heading the wrong way in life for it. I trust God that they will turn out okay, but it breaks my heart that I stayed so long. So after advice from my pastors at church, I have done my best to love him, to pray for him, to make plans to move back with him since he promises to put into practice what he has been hearing in church. You know what though? I doubt he will. He has never repented for anything he has done to hurt me. He isn't motivated to make any changes to get us back because he is living his dream ski bum resort lifestyle in our ski resort house that I got the loan for and opened a business to obtain to keep HIM happy because I was codependent. I wanted to live there also, but ski resorts have been horrible influence on him.
So finally, last Saturday was the last straw. I was talking to him on Facetime and I told him I wanted to come up and bring him dinner, and we could watch a movie. He immediately sounded depressed, then after I pushed it (calling his bluff) I said "you have plans." He denied it and tried to pick a fight with me, obviously to keep me at home. He turned his phone off, and I knew he had plans because he always turns his phone off when he wants to go drink. I went to the pub where I knew he would be and he told me to sit down, and I hugged him, asked him how his sleep was, and told him (very loudly in other words than this...) if he wanted me there he would have invited me, and his wife may have cancer, his kids have autism, go home! Everyone gasped, because I don't think anyone knew he was married. I called him all night until the next morning because I was so angry and wanted answers (duh), and he never answered although his phone was on. I broke down a couple of days ago and called him after he had texted me with a question about a bill. I spoke with him tonight because I wanted to leave no stone unturned and told him he was invited to counseling (phone counseling with a Focus on the Family referred counselor) this Monday. I felt "triggered" and asked him what he was doing after I left that night, and he said he was angry so he drank more (when before I freaked on him he was going home...lie), and went to a wedding reception in the village there. He said he listened to a band and danced. I asked him if he danced with girls, and he said "ya, one." I asked if they touched, and he said "no." I just started crying, and he told me he took me to a nice dinner and why did I need to ruin it by bringing up crap, and I said the only way our marriage can work is counseling, because there is too much hurt on both sides (I have hurt him badly in the past a few times. I left him before, then apologized and repented). I just cried as usual and told him if he wanted to do counseling then fine, if not then we are done.
He said he likes living alone and he doesn't want to do counseling. Then 10 minutes later when I told him how he was hurting the family, he said he would do counseling. I can't take this anymore. I am finally building a support system, and need to spend time with God, and focus on my own recovery from codependency. I plan to call the guy for the counseling (I have my own counselor as well), and so I thought I'd send my husband a text telling him he has chosen repeatedly with actions NOT to love me as God has designed. I will give him the number and time of the counseling, but I will not see him or talk to him other than at that time, and if prompted by the counselor. That counselor said that he needs to hit his rock bottom, and what consequence will make him hit it? I told him telling his family he needs help, and passing the buck over to them. That would definitely hurt, because he cares more about what they all think than what we think. I don't believe my husband can love at this point. He loves himself, and he does not want to submit to God. Any advice on how to handle this from here on out? I feel so broken, but after 20 years I did find the courage to move out, and now I need a backbone and worry about myself and the kids more than his feelings and comfortableness.
At the time I met my husband I was a believer who grew up in church, but I honestly did not pay very much attention as a teen/young adult. I got married at age 22, and it should have been a big giant red flag that he did not want to go to marriage counseling. I have attachment issues so I married anyways (parents did not connect with me emotionally, although they were there). I feel he married me because he didn't want to look like he was "living in sin" to his parents any longer. He grew up LDS, but left the church at age 18, and ever since the day he was able to move out he moved directly to a ski resort and began the work hard/play hard party lifestyle. I believe he began drinking to self-medicate whatever pain he was trying to block out from childhood. Recently he denied that he had anything that bothered him from childhood, although his sister said their father was VERY hard on him. Just a few days ago he told me that he lied about his beliefs as an older child/young man in order to "protect his mother's feelings" (he wouldn't get to be in heaven with his family if he didn't believe in the LDS version of God).
Fast forward to today, and we have two kids, a 16 year old and 18 year old. Both difficult, yet intelligent and loving kids (higher end of autism spectrum). From the get-go in our marriage my husband would stay out all night after skiing/drinking, going out with friends, etc. at least one night per month (on average). I had no idea where he was and I didn't ask, because I didn't believe he was cheating, although I'm sure he liked attention. I never thought he would lie to me. I am extremely codependent, and like his mother I have walked on eggshells around him as his temper can come out of nowhere, and while not a belligerent stumbling drunk, he is a functioning alcoholic. He has told his family I am the reason he has never gotten ahead in life, I did this, I did that, etc.
Last summer I really began to put pressure on him because I was tired of living separate lives, and we had no intimacy, he never invited me on his long hikes or walks, or to the pub he would go to (walking distance at the resort where our house is). I saw pictures of cute models in pretty dresses on his phone, definitely not inappropriate contentographic, but it still hurt because he didn't show me any attention. When push came to shove he just began to drink more and more, as if he were rebelling, and then his emotional abuse: gas-lighting, stonewalling, leaving me out, making me feel crazy, coming home drunk, led me to give him an ultimatum. Stop drinking, as it was hurting us (the kids were asking to leave a couple years earlier) or we leave. He said no. So I got an apartment, stopped talking to him for an entire month, and then of course let him back into our lives one month later (mainly because I broke my ankle and needed help). I have not moved back though.
I cared so much about him that I pushed my kids to have a relationship with him. I hate the idea of them not having a father. You know what, though? He has never been attentive, he has never done much with them, he has left my son out at every turn, and they are really heading the wrong way in life for it. I trust God that they will turn out okay, but it breaks my heart that I stayed so long. So after advice from my pastors at church, I have done my best to love him, to pray for him, to make plans to move back with him since he promises to put into practice what he has been hearing in church. You know what though? I doubt he will. He has never repented for anything he has done to hurt me. He isn't motivated to make any changes to get us back because he is living his dream ski bum resort lifestyle in our ski resort house that I got the loan for and opened a business to obtain to keep HIM happy because I was codependent. I wanted to live there also, but ski resorts have been horrible influence on him.
So finally, last Saturday was the last straw. I was talking to him on Facetime and I told him I wanted to come up and bring him dinner, and we could watch a movie. He immediately sounded depressed, then after I pushed it (calling his bluff) I said "you have plans." He denied it and tried to pick a fight with me, obviously to keep me at home. He turned his phone off, and I knew he had plans because he always turns his phone off when he wants to go drink. I went to the pub where I knew he would be and he told me to sit down, and I hugged him, asked him how his sleep was, and told him (very loudly in other words than this...) if he wanted me there he would have invited me, and his wife may have cancer, his kids have autism, go home! Everyone gasped, because I don't think anyone knew he was married. I called him all night until the next morning because I was so angry and wanted answers (duh), and he never answered although his phone was on. I broke down a couple of days ago and called him after he had texted me with a question about a bill. I spoke with him tonight because I wanted to leave no stone unturned and told him he was invited to counseling (phone counseling with a Focus on the Family referred counselor) this Monday. I felt "triggered" and asked him what he was doing after I left that night, and he said he was angry so he drank more (when before I freaked on him he was going home...lie), and went to a wedding reception in the village there. He said he listened to a band and danced. I asked him if he danced with girls, and he said "ya, one." I asked if they touched, and he said "no." I just started crying, and he told me he took me to a nice dinner and why did I need to ruin it by bringing up crap, and I said the only way our marriage can work is counseling, because there is too much hurt on both sides (I have hurt him badly in the past a few times. I left him before, then apologized and repented). I just cried as usual and told him if he wanted to do counseling then fine, if not then we are done.
He said he likes living alone and he doesn't want to do counseling. Then 10 minutes later when I told him how he was hurting the family, he said he would do counseling. I can't take this anymore. I am finally building a support system, and need to spend time with God, and focus on my own recovery from codependency. I plan to call the guy for the counseling (I have my own counselor as well), and so I thought I'd send my husband a text telling him he has chosen repeatedly with actions NOT to love me as God has designed. I will give him the number and time of the counseling, but I will not see him or talk to him other than at that time, and if prompted by the counselor. That counselor said that he needs to hit his rock bottom, and what consequence will make him hit it? I told him telling his family he needs help, and passing the buck over to them. That would definitely hurt, because he cares more about what they all think than what we think. I don't believe my husband can love at this point. He loves himself, and he does not want to submit to God. Any advice on how to handle this from here on out? I feel so broken, but after 20 years I did find the courage to move out, and now I need a backbone and worry about myself and the kids more than his feelings and comfortableness.