- May 16, 2017
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I am a hoarder which has been considered a form of OCD but they are beginning to class it as it’s own separate anxiety disorder, to my understanding. It’s rather possible though that I do have OCD, however mild. My father has it. And I also have exhibited characteristics. Mainly compulsions, like counting, being unable to change the tv to a different channel or radio to a different station or take my cross off, as if “something bad will happen” if I do these things. Taking my cross off brings about fear that I’ll be rejecting God.
I’ve also experienced what I suppose are called intrusive thoughts. Like telling myself to stay myself with a knife I see about, which I have absolutely no desire to do. I’ve been assaulted with a knife before. So I have absolutely no desire to harm myself with one.
At any rate....slightly off topic. Back to hoarding.
I think I can piece together different events from my life that are likely the cause of the hoarding. I’ve read that trauma can trigger hoarding to start. Also loss. I’ve experienced both. And in combination with one another. For example, a fire in the middle of the night which was traumatic because my son and I were asleep. I still don’t know what caused me to wake up, but thank God I did. We lost everything but the clothes on our backs.
Another trauma-severe abuse for several years. And when I left that situation, he did away with everything I owned except my clothes.
I’ve also lost good chunks of my possessions several times due to moving, and once to theft, which included my grandmother’s jewelry box and all its contents. The only thing I had of hers.
Rambling again.
Basically, I have a pretty good idea of the triggers which started my hoarding, and yet find it So Difficult to change the behavior. I used to think that being aware of the cause of a behavior was enough to help change it. I believe now that I was sorely mistaken!
I’ve been trying to “dehoard” for a while now and I’ve had physical reactions. Panic. Emotional panic. (That’s how I describe the feeling, I suppose it could also be described as anxiety). I rock back and forth, tense up, freeze where I’m standing, tap or swing my foot/feet, become nauseous and at its worst, get a feeling at the top of my head that I can’t describe. It’s like a pressure at the top of my head. Best way I can explain. I feel like these reactions are out of my control. Logically I think one way, emotionally I respond another. I logically know that I have no need to keep certain things that I don’t use or can no longer use or are broken. My toaster is broken. Why not toss it? I don’t know. It’s just still on my counter. I have broken furniture as well, still here for no darn good reason. (Sure I’m not able to replace the furniture, but if it’s a hazard, it needs to go).
Anyway....I struggle with whether or not my hoarding behavior is sinful. I know the Bible talks about sinning unintentionally and willfully. I recall hearing, while listening to Leviticus on audio Bible, a lot about sinning without knowing but then being made aware of the sin and what to do to atone. Well, what if my hoarding is a sin, and even after becoming aware I am unable to stop? I cannot control the anxiety that comes with this. I cannot control the intrusive thoughts either. They pop in my head all there own. Like an “ah ha!” Moment that suddenly hits you, comes out of nowhere. But instead of “ah ha!” It’s “Gasp! What if I get in a car accident today?” “What if I imagine my feelings?” “What if I drive off the side of the bridge?” (With the bridge one, like the knife one, it’s usually more like “drive off the bridge.” “Stab yourself”, a command or pressure to do something that I have no desire to do and would be fearful to do. Rather than a “What if?” This happened? And then I nervously stare at the knife or the edge of the bridge).
Where was I? Lost train of thought!
I guess what I’m saying is....I don’t feel like I have control over these thoughts or over the feelings I experience in reaction to trying to stop hoarding. So if I can’t control it, is it sin? I beat myself up feeling like I’m sinning because of my emotional attachment to material things and the anxiety I have over letting them go. Material things shouldn’t be so important. Really it’s more about the memories attached to the things, or to the people they came from. But when you’re a hoarder, the attachment transfers to the object and getting rid of it causes anxiety.
It’s a disorder. One I didn’t ask for and feel practically powerless to change.
I’ve also experienced what I suppose are called intrusive thoughts. Like telling myself to stay myself with a knife I see about, which I have absolutely no desire to do. I’ve been assaulted with a knife before. So I have absolutely no desire to harm myself with one.
At any rate....slightly off topic. Back to hoarding.
I think I can piece together different events from my life that are likely the cause of the hoarding. I’ve read that trauma can trigger hoarding to start. Also loss. I’ve experienced both. And in combination with one another. For example, a fire in the middle of the night which was traumatic because my son and I were asleep. I still don’t know what caused me to wake up, but thank God I did. We lost everything but the clothes on our backs.
Another trauma-severe abuse for several years. And when I left that situation, he did away with everything I owned except my clothes.
I’ve also lost good chunks of my possessions several times due to moving, and once to theft, which included my grandmother’s jewelry box and all its contents. The only thing I had of hers.
Rambling again.
Basically, I have a pretty good idea of the triggers which started my hoarding, and yet find it So Difficult to change the behavior. I used to think that being aware of the cause of a behavior was enough to help change it. I believe now that I was sorely mistaken!
I’ve been trying to “dehoard” for a while now and I’ve had physical reactions. Panic. Emotional panic. (That’s how I describe the feeling, I suppose it could also be described as anxiety). I rock back and forth, tense up, freeze where I’m standing, tap or swing my foot/feet, become nauseous and at its worst, get a feeling at the top of my head that I can’t describe. It’s like a pressure at the top of my head. Best way I can explain. I feel like these reactions are out of my control. Logically I think one way, emotionally I respond another. I logically know that I have no need to keep certain things that I don’t use or can no longer use or are broken. My toaster is broken. Why not toss it? I don’t know. It’s just still on my counter. I have broken furniture as well, still here for no darn good reason. (Sure I’m not able to replace the furniture, but if it’s a hazard, it needs to go).
Anyway....I struggle with whether or not my hoarding behavior is sinful. I know the Bible talks about sinning unintentionally and willfully. I recall hearing, while listening to Leviticus on audio Bible, a lot about sinning without knowing but then being made aware of the sin and what to do to atone. Well, what if my hoarding is a sin, and even after becoming aware I am unable to stop? I cannot control the anxiety that comes with this. I cannot control the intrusive thoughts either. They pop in my head all there own. Like an “ah ha!” Moment that suddenly hits you, comes out of nowhere. But instead of “ah ha!” It’s “Gasp! What if I get in a car accident today?” “What if I imagine my feelings?” “What if I drive off the side of the bridge?” (With the bridge one, like the knife one, it’s usually more like “drive off the bridge.” “Stab yourself”, a command or pressure to do something that I have no desire to do and would be fearful to do. Rather than a “What if?” This happened? And then I nervously stare at the knife or the edge of the bridge).
Where was I? Lost train of thought!
I guess what I’m saying is....I don’t feel like I have control over these thoughts or over the feelings I experience in reaction to trying to stop hoarding. So if I can’t control it, is it sin? I beat myself up feeling like I’m sinning because of my emotional attachment to material things and the anxiety I have over letting them go. Material things shouldn’t be so important. Really it’s more about the memories attached to the things, or to the people they came from. But when you’re a hoarder, the attachment transfers to the object and getting rid of it causes anxiety.
It’s a disorder. One I didn’t ask for and feel practically powerless to change.