I'm an adult and want to stop contact with my parents

bluestarsky · Jul 23, 2018

bluestarsky said:
Hello travelling teacher, I think if I continue to give further information it could make their identity and mine very clear to anyone that knows us. I don't want to misrepresent things but for that reason I'm reluctant to share more openly but obviously as it's a situation which has been going on for a long time there are more factors in the mix.

Not meaning to be difficult.....what I have shared has been sincere.....I think I need to go away and pray . But from the beginning your questions have given me food for thought.

Sam91 · Jul 23, 2018

Hi, I live 100's of miles from my family. I did it because I wanted a reason to not have them in my day to day life. Now I have a good relationship with them that benefits from the distance. I was fortunate they they never contacted me first. It was always me making the effort. In the first couple of years I found that if I phoned too frequently my dad would become unreasonable and hurtful towards me. So I would call every 3-4 months. That way he was grateful for the phone call and didn't feel hard done by. I wouldn't accept the behaviour and would say goodbye if the conversation became negative. Haven't dealt with any unreasonableness in about a decade now and when I do see him I see pride in his eyes. It is a shame because I can see that he misses me which has made me miss him too.

It means that I find life harder with the lack of family support. Thankfully, the Lord made me strong enough to not need it. I am sure there is a way for you to find more space without resorting to extreme measures. But there are ways past these scenarios.

Sketcher · Jul 23, 2018

bluestarsky said:
they are in their seventies - yes, there are other members of the family who can help them.

my father has repeatedly promised things but they don't materialise because he chooses to spend money on other things - or he will promise something like a holiday as a treat - but then it transpires that really he wants me to be a holiday companion for him and to choose where to go (he chooses several holidays a year) - the latest thing is that he has signed over an inheritance he said he was going to leave me, to a sibling who I have little contact with and is known for not returning phone calls to family members

both my mum and father have not wanted to support me educationally whereas they have my younger siblings - I seem to have been in an emotionally supportive role for them both and yet been neglected when I was growing up- I've made it clear that I'd love to study but recently they each said no to helping me with a small loan but have helped siblings with much larger amounts

there is more but I don't want to go into everything

Are you out of their house?
Do you receive any financial assistance from them currently?

Phil 1:21 · Jul 23, 2018

bluestarsky said:
I thought I had forgiven my parents, and I am willing to forgive them, but their behaviour keeps stirring things up in me emotionally so I can't really function very well because I think they are both, in their own ways, being manipulative. They are not going to change now and I don't think that they are honest with me because I think they are in denial about some things. They both have people in their lives who live close to them who are willing to look out for them.

Neither of them are Christian - both have been involved in the occult. I don't live near them anymore. They can be nice to be around for a while, but the toll on my wellbeing has been immense - I am taking strong medication to help keep me stable.

At what point is it wise to sever ties?

Did Jesus ever give up on you? There's your answer.

RaymondG · Jul 23, 2018

bluestarsky said:
they are in their seventies - yes, there are other members of the family who can help them.

my father has repeatedly promised things but they don't materialise because he chooses to spend money on other things - or he will promise something like a holiday as a treat - but then it transpires that really he wants me to be a holiday companion for him and to choose where to go (he chooses several holidays a year) - the latest thing is that he has signed over an inheritance he said he was going to leave me, to a sibling who I have little contact with and is known for not returning phone calls to family members

both my mum and father have not wanted to support me educationally whereas they have my younger siblings - I seem to have been in an emotionally supportive role for them both and yet been neglected when I was growing up- I've made it clear that I'd love to study but recently they each said no to helping me with a small loan but have helped siblings with much larger amounts

there is more but I don't want to go into everything

It seems, to me, that most of your hurt and pain stems from money and help that you were promised and feel that you deserve or are entitled to. You say they do this and that for others, and not for you. You ask them for little and they refuse, but give others a lot. Your inheritance was signed away to someone a little less deserving than you....when it was promised to you.

So your hurt and pain all stem from your own personal feelings about things that are going on outside of you. The only way to solve this is to change your own heart and mind.....what you think and feel about what is going on around you.

Stop feeling that you are supposes to get these things. Stop feeling that your parents have to do these things for you. Stop caring about Moneys that they can give you. Stop feeling entitled to anything that they have. Know that your Father in heaven is rich, and that you already have everything you want and need.....so there is no need to worry yourself about the party and inheritance being given to your brother.

Love your parents because of who you are, and who they are, and not for what they have and can give or have given. Expect and want nothing from them and just enjoy their presence for as long as you have left with them.

Once you are able to do this, you will see that you are, in fact, in control of your feelings and emotions, and therefore it was, you, yourself causing the hurt and pain you once attributed to another....

dqhall · Jul 23, 2018

bluestarsky said:
I thought I had forgiven my parents, and I am willing to forgive them, but their behaviour keeps stirring things up in me emotionally so I can't really function very well because I think they are both, in their own ways, being manipulative. They are not going to change now and I don't think that they are honest with me because I think they are in denial about some things. They both have people in their lives who live close to them who are willing to look out for them.

Neither of them are Christian - both have been involved in the occult. I don't live near them anymore. They can be nice to be around for a while, but the toll on my wellbeing has been immense - I am taking strong medication to help keep me stable.

At what point is it wise to sever ties?

Some people moved back into their parent's home to help care for them when they are old, or visited to help if they lived near their parents. My parents are using home health care workers and dad said he did not need me to stay with them.

When I think back on all they did for me, I am grateful. When I think of the abusive things they said, or did, I forgive. If I had not forgiven them, we would have been split apart. If they had not forgiven me of my abuse, we would have been split apart.

I called once a week. If they give me advice I do not like, I am allowed to ignore it. I visited them sometimes for family gatherings.

Greg J. · Jul 23, 2018

They are or at least were a legitimate authority over you, regardless of their problems, which means how you treat them affects your relationship with God.

“Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the LORD your God is giving you. (Deuteronomy 5:16, 1984 NIV)

Because of this, I would not cut all ties with them. It would hurt your ability to receive from the Lord, regardless of whether your reason is justified or not. In your heart, do not reject them, but pray for them. You can do this while protecting yourself. Perhaps it means getting together with them less often, for shorter periods of time, or only when you are with someone whose presence will prevent their behavior that hurts you. But when you do talk to them, do so respectfully (something that God could say of how you treat anyone).

ZaneHe · Jul 23, 2018

Pray for you! May God bless!

Galilee63 · Jul 23, 2018

Continue to pray for the Parents God Himself Gifted you regardless of your Parents here on earth having not assisted you as they did your other Siblings and in view of the fact God wanted "You, your good Heart in Him" to support your earthly Parents in the past.

So...is it time or not that our Lord Jesus Christ wants you to move on to love and serve Him in His other ways or to suffer some and offer up your sufferings to our Lord Jesus for His Loving Holy Intentions and to Holy Mother Mary for Jesus and Holy Mother Marys Loving Holy Intentions.

Our Lords Holy Wound Chaplet Jesus delivered to Holy Saint Marie Chambon in God our Heavenly Father in Holy Spirit with Holy Mother Mary

Jesus requests us to immerse our hearts and souls and sufferings illnesses and everything in His Holy Sacred Wounds and in His Precious Holy Blood

Myychael · Jul 23, 2018

bluestarsky said:
I thought I had forgiven my parents, and I am willing to forgive them, but their behaviour keeps stirring things up in me emotionally so I can't really function very well because I think they are both, in their own ways, being manipulative. They are not going to change now and I don't think that they are honest with me because I think they are in denial about some things. They both have people in their lives who live close to them who are willing to look out for them.

Neither of them are Christian - both have been involved in the occult. I don't live near them anymore. They can be nice to be around for a while, but the toll on my wellbeing has been immense - I am taking strong medication to help keep me stable.

At what point is it wise to sever ties?

bluestarsky I certainly do not know what happened to you in your upbringing I believe you have confessed forgiveness about them to the LORD but have you told them you forgave them to their face for what they did to you.I hope you are attending a Christian Church and hearing the Word spoken if not and you are able
to go please go you see the Church is full of once broken people and JESUS has supernaturally glued us back together but we keep breaking and he keeps gluing you see he loves you a lot and can help you if
you let him.I maybe off trac here you may go to Church Three times a week and twice on Sunday You may have to say ten thousands time that you forgive them until you do you did take the first step and forgave
them just keep saying it here is a story i suggest you read and i will pray for you if you can talk to your Pastor about your parents he may be able to help he is an under shepherd of the Lord but this may help
i wish i could answer your question sorry. google Corrie ten Boom

fat wee robin · Jul 23, 2018

RaymondG said:
It seems, to me, that most of your hurt and pain stems from money and help that you were promised and feel that you deserve or are entitled to. You say they do this and that for others, and not for you. You ask them for little and they refuse, but give others a lot. Your inheritance was signed away to someone a little less deserving than you....when it was promised to you.

So your hurt and pain all stem from your own personal feelings about things that are going on outside of you. The only way to solve this is to change your own heart and mind.....what you think and feel about what is going on around you.

Stop feeling that you are supposes to get these things. Stop feeling that your parents have to do these things for you. Stop caring about Moneys that they can give you. Stop feeling entitled to anything that they have. Know that your Father in heaven is rich, and that you already have everything you want and need.....so there is no need to worry yourself about the party and inheritance being given to your brother.

Love your parents because of who you are, and who they are, and not for what they have and can give or have given. Expect and want nothing from them and just enjoy their presence for as long as you have left with them.

Once you are able to do this, you will see that you are, in fact, in control of your feelings and emotions, and therefore it was, you, yourself causing the hurt and pain you once attributed to another....

I think that Bluestarsky is being sincere ,and I think she needs to be listened to not accused .Perhaps a few gentle questions ,but acussing assumptions in this way can be dangerous .I did not take it that it was about money ,but about a lack of consideration and love .

RestoreTheJoy · Jul 23, 2018

bluestarsky said:
they are in their seventies - yes, there are other members of the family who can help them.

my father has repeatedly promised things but they don't materialise because he chooses to spend money on other things - or he will promise something like a holiday as a treat - but then it transpires that really he wants me to be a holiday companion for him and to choose where to go (he chooses several holidays a year) - the latest thing is that he has signed over an inheritance he said he was going to leave me, to a sibling who I have little contact with and is known for not returning phone calls to family members

both my mum and father have not wanted to support me educationally whereas they have my younger siblings - I seem to have been in an emotionally supportive role for them both and yet been neglected when I was growing up- I've made it clear that I'd love to study but recently they each said no to helping me with a small loan but have helped siblings with much larger amounts

there is more but I don't want to go into everything

Something tells me you are editing out important details. Because Dad spending his own money how he chooses is ultimately his business. Why would they choose to pay for an education for your siblings but not you? Did they not have any money then and have more now?

Something is missing here in this sequence of events.

If you don't see them often anyway, you don't have to choose anything so drastic as you are suggesting and no, it is never God's will that you cut off your parents (though if said parents are like serial killers or violent or something, there will certainly be some separation and boundaries for your protection).

Just honor your parents and don't say negative things about them, and remember to treat them the way you want your adult children to treat you. If you do not understand why they do not wish to loan you money for education but it sounds like they did that for your siblings...ask why? Was it because you were offered the same opportunities when you were younger and but didn't take advantage of it? Are they running out of money? Are they concerned about their elder years? There is some reason. Most parents don't select certain children for an education and neglect the others.

I'm just thinking through some random thoughts that occur to me. I hope you figure this out and that restoration comes.

LovebirdsFlying · Jul 23, 2018

Given the circumstances you describe, I recommend stopping all contact.

Don't hate them, but stay away from them. Luke 14:26. He doesn't mean that you actively *hate* them, but your love for relatives will *feel* like hate in comparison to your love for Christ. If you have to chose between them and Him, by all means, choose Him.

They, and others, will tell you it's because you're being hateful and won't forgive. This isn't true. You're not doing it in any way to punish or get back at them. You have to protect yourself from any further damage.

I'm in the same boat. I have to stay away from members of my family because they would interfere with my walk with the Lord, and He comes first.

RaymondG · Jul 23, 2018

fat wee robin said:
I think that Bluestarsky is being sincere ,and I think she needs to be listened to not accused .Perhaps a few gentle questions ,but acussing assumptions in this way can be dangerous .I did not take it that it was about money ,but about a lack of consideration and love .

Take it the way you may and think what you will. I see nothing wrong with the way the OP feels, was offering suggestions to help them stop feeling the way they feel without having to change anything outside of their self.

They were asked these questions, and all the answers revolved around loans not given, inheritance being taken away, holiday trips being cancelled etc..

Now I did not say that it was wrong to feel this way, but it seems ,by your response, that you think it is wrong. So what do you feel is wrong with the way the op feels and why do you feel it is wrong?

you give your words to make the op feel good right now, while I'll give her the tools to feel exactly how she wants to feel now and anytime in the future......

LoricaLady · Jul 23, 2018

bluestarsky said:
I thought I had forgiven my parents, and I am willing to forgive them, but their behaviour keeps stirring things up in me emotionally so I can't really function very well because I think they are both, in their own ways, being manipulative. They are not going to change now and I don't think that they are honest with me because I think they are in denial about some things. They both have people in their lives who live close to them who are willing to look out for them.

Neither of them are Christian - both have been involved in the occult. I don't live near them anymore. They can be nice to be around for a while, but the toll on my wellbeing has been immense - I am taking strong medication to help keep me stable.

At what point is it wise to sever ties?

Tell them the truth in as nice a way as you can, that you have a lot of issues from the past, right or wrong, and you find it is very stressful to interact with them. Tell them that you prefer a very limited amount of interaction. Don't call them, unless you want to, say on Mother's Day and Father's Day and their birthdays. If they call you be as short as you can, without being terribly rude.

After a limited exchange, just say "I'm sorry. I have to go. This is stressful for me. I wish you all the best though....I'm sorry but I have to go....I think I've explained everything as well as I can already. Anything else I would have to say to "explain" things would only be repetitive. I'm sorry. I have to go. Bye. Bye. Bye. Click."

I understand how you feel as I have a close relative who is also what they call toxic.

You are right not to expect them to change, short of a miracle from the Lord and that may well never happen.

If you ever feel a lot stronger, well then consider upping your interactions.
Praying for you.....

LoricaLady · Jul 23, 2018

Phil 1:21 said:
Did Jesus ever give up on you? There's your answer.

Actually, though, Messiah did give up on some people. For just one example, sometimes He spoke parables which most in the audience did not understand. He said it was not given to them to understand. When some of His followers found His teachings too hard or perplexing for their tastes, they left, and He didn't go after them!

I am not saying she should give up on them, altogether though, as who knows they might be saved some day, and "the rain falls on the just and the unjust." Also they are her parents and we are told to honor our parents, so just ditching them can't be the best course in most cases.

LoricaLady · Jul 23, 2018

P.S. Bluestar Here is a thought. You don't have to call them on holidays and birthdays, but can send them a little gift on their birthdays and holidays. With Amazon there is a gift card for many items, and gift wrapping. Without having to interact (and I know how that can so stressful) you can have Amazon write, on the gift card, something like. "I wish you a a very happy birthday. Sorry, I am just not up to interactions at this time. Maybe some day, but it is too stressful for me right now. Best wishes."

LoricaLady · Jul 23, 2018

RaymondG said:
It seems, to me, that most of your hurt and pain stems from money and help that you were promised and feel that you deserve or are entitled to. You say they do this and that for others, and not for you. You ask them for little and they refuse, but give others a lot. Your inheritance was signed away to someone a little less deserving than you....when it was promised to you.

So your hurt and pain all stem from your own personal feelings about things that are going on outside of you. The only way to solve this is to change your own heart and mind.....what you think and feel about what is going on around you.

Stop feeling that you are supposes to get these things. Stop feeling that your parents have to do these things for you. Stop caring about Moneys that they can give you. Stop feeling entitled to anything that they have. Know that your Father in heaven is rich, and that you already have everything you want and need.....so there is no need to worry yourself about the party and inheritance being given to your brother.

Love your parents because of who you are, and who they are, and not for what they have and can give or have given. Expect and want nothing from them and just enjoy their presence for as long as you have left with them.

Once you are able to do this, you will see that you are, in fact, in control of your feelings and emotions, and therefore it was, you, yourself causing the hurt and pain you once attributed to another....

We really don't know all the details of why she feels so hurt If a parent shows great favoritism to another child or children, and then slights another badly, well it really probably isn't about money anyway. It's probably about not feeling loved and valued and that hurts. She does not seem to feel loved and valued by her parents, in fact seems to feel they are showing the opposite.

It is easy to judge if you have not had a toxic relative close in your life, though.

RaymondG · Jul 24, 2018

LoricaLady said:
well it really probably isn't about money anyway.

If you read my post without your lens of judgement and passivity toward the true issue....you would see that this is exactly what I said in my post. It is not about money. But the thoughts and feelings around the giving of money. Im sure there are feelings around other actions as well, but we have to work with the information given. here is what we received:

bluestarsky said:
my father has repeatedly promised things but they don't materialise because he chooses to spend money on other things

bluestarsky said:
or he will promise something like a holiday as a treat - but then it transpires that really he wants me to be a holiday companion

bluestarsky said:
the latest thing is that he has signed over an inheritance he said he was going to leave me, to a sibling

bluestarsky said:
both my mum and father have not wanted to support me educationally

bluestarsky said:
I've made it clear that I'd love to study but recently they each said no to helping me with a small loan but have helped siblings with much larger amounts

Even if your lens are thick...it is still hard for me to understand how you can not see the lack of financial support being an issue.... But I guess one sees what they desire to see and no more.

LoricaLady said:
It is easy to judge if you have not had a toxic relative close in your life, though.

It is easy to judge that everyone should behave the same way as you in any given situation...and if they dont, they must not have gone through what you have. This is false. One should desire to grow from every trial they face....achieving higher and higher grades after every test. I use you think like you and the OP about my family issues. But I was shown where the issue truely lies. You can keep trying to hid from and change the world from this day until your last. Or you can change yourself once, and never have to face this issue/test again.

I want the OP to be free of the hurt and pain she feels. I want it eliminated, just like mine has been. I dont expect anything from anyone, therefore I cant be hurt from not getting it.......and if I get something, it is a blessing. But I need nothing because I have the Father....therefore I have everything........

RestoreTheJoy · Jul 24, 2018

LoricaLady said:
P.S. Bluestar Here is a thought. You don't have to call them on holidays and birthdays, but can send them a little gift on their birthdays and holidays. With Amazon there is a gift card for many items, and gift wrapping. Without having to interact (and I know how that can so stressful) you can have Amazon write, on the gift card, something like. "I wish you a a very happy birthday. Sorry, I am just not up to interactions at this time. Maybe some day, but it is too stressful for me right now. Best wishes."

I think that is very selfish to make it about you (the sender of the gift) and would actually be harder on the parent than not hearing anything at all.

I'm an adult and want to stop contact with my parents

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