What's appropriate here?

akmom

Newbie
Jun 13, 2012
1,479
338
U.S.
✟23,005.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Libertarian
I have kind of an obscure situation in which I'm questioning where to draw the line between extending friendliness and respecting privacy.

My children's school had a custodian for many years who was recently fired. He was a very, very old man, retired from his previous line of work, and I suspect the job was more of a hobby. He was great with children. My children loved him. Rumor is that he got into a heated altercation with a parent, but of course there is no way to really know, nor do I care.

I didn't have the heart to tell my kids he got fired, so I told them he probably retired. Anyway, they made him a farewell card and a gift, so I called the school to get an address, but I guess the situation was so sensitive that they refused to give that out to anyone. (Lots of people were mad at him over whatever the incident was and some made threats.) I couldn't even get a full name to try to look it up myself. So I just brought the card into the school office with his first name, a stamp, and a return address and asked them to forward it. I even left it unsealed in case they were paranoid. Fast forward several weeks, and my kids get a sweet thank you note in the mail from him. With a return address.

1.) Several other parents who were also disappointed in his dismissal have been trying to get a name or contact info for the guy. (I know there's no mal-intent among these ones.) Should I share it, or would that be a breach of his privacy? I already mentioned that the office forwarded the note for my kids, so they could do that too.

2.) The address indicates he doesn't live that far away from us, and my kids have asked if they can make him cookies and bring them to him on their bikes. I think it's too far away for that, but I could drive them. (They got the idea because I do let them make cookies for our neighborhood every Christmas.) Would that be odd or intrusive? Would it be any different to allow them to do so at Christmas time?
 

~Anastasia~

† Handmaid of God †
Dec 1, 2013
31,133
17,452
Florida panhandle, USA
✟922,745.00
Country
United States
Faith
Eastern Orthodox
Marital Status
Married
I think I would mention to the other parents the suggestion that they do what you did about giving the cards or letters to the office to forward. That would have the advantage too of letting the school see very visibly that he has the support of some parents. (And you can mention that as an aside that might help them understand you suggesting that instead of just giving out his addresss.)

They might have no ill intent, but someone does. God forbid anything should happen, but you don't want to be the first parent who shared his address. Doing so could also cause others to follow suit without thinking more carefully.

I think maybe you could deliver cookies once. It would be less remarkable if done in conjunction with a holiday. But not completely out of line and stalker-ish to do once if the kids really liked him. I'd be casual about it though if you do.

One thing to consider - if he seems to encourage it, what kind of ongoing relationship would you want him to have to your family? You might want to have that answer in mind in case it comes up if you deliver cookies.
 
Upvote 0

Liza B.

His grace is sufficient
Supporter
Oct 7, 2017
2,491
1,319
Midwest
✟163,572.00
Country
United States
Faith
Presbyterian
Marital Status
Married
I have kind of an obscure situation in which I'm questioning where to draw the line between extending friendliness and respecting privacy.

My children's school had a custodian for many years who was recently fired. He was a very, very old man, retired from his previous line of work, and I suspect the job was more of a hobby. He was great with children. My children loved him. Rumor is that he got into a heated altercation with a parent, but of course there is no way to really know, nor do I care.

I didn't have the heart to tell my kids he got fired, so I told them he probably retired. Anyway, they made him a farewell card and a gift, so I called the school to get an address, but I guess the situation was so sensitive that they refused to give that out to anyone. (Lots of people were mad at him over whatever the incident was and some made threats.) I couldn't even get a full name to try to look it up myself. So I just brought the card into the school office with his first name, a stamp, and a return address and asked them to forward it. I even left it unsealed in case they were paranoid. Fast forward several weeks, and my kids get a sweet thank you note in the mail from him. With a return address.

1.) Several other parents who were also disappointed in his dismissal have been trying to get a name or contact info for the guy. (I know there's no mal-intent among these ones.) Should I share it, or would that be a breach of his privacy? I already mentioned that the office forwarded the note for my kids, so they could do that too.

2.) The address indicates he doesn't live that far away from us, and my kids have asked if they can make him cookies and bring them to him on their bikes. I think it's too far away for that, but I could drive them. (They got the idea because I do let them make cookies for our neighborhood every Christmas.) Would that be odd or intrusive? Would it be any different to allow them to do so at Christmas time?

Hi there--for what it's worth, I'm a teacher of 24 years experience. Like a custodian, due to my position, I have a LOT of students.

I agree with the poster below: I would not share the address, but maybe share how you made sure the gift was delivered. It wouldn't be odd for your kids to want to make him cookies--in fact, it's very kind. :) But it might be intrusive, depending on how he's feeling. Rather than personally delivered cookies, maybe just send a Christmas card with personal notes how you would love to hear from him and let you know how he's doing or something. Maybe with a picture of your kids included. Or that you're thinking of him and/or praying for him. That's just my thoughts--others may have different ideas.

Hope this helps!
 
Upvote 0

SkyWriting

The Librarian
Supporter
Jan 10, 2010
37,279
8,499
Milwaukee
✟410,918.00
Country
United States
Faith
Non-Denom
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Others
I have kind of an obscure situation in which I'm questioning where to draw the line between extending friendliness and respecting privacy.

My children's school had a custodian for many years who was recently fired. He was a very, very old man, retired from his previous line of work, and I suspect the job was more of a hobby. He was great with children. My children loved him. Rumor is that he got into a heated altercation with a parent, but of course there is no way to really know, nor do I care.

I didn't have the heart to tell my kids he got fired, so I told them he probably retired. Anyway, they made him a farewell card and a gift, so I called the school to get an address, but I guess the situation was so sensitive that they refused to give that out to anyone. (Lots of people were mad at him over whatever the incident was and some made threats.) I couldn't even get a full name to try to look it up myself. So I just brought the card into the school office with his first name, a stamp, and a return address and asked them to forward it. I even left it unsealed in case they were paranoid. Fast forward several weeks, and my kids get a sweet thank you note in the mail from him. With a return address.

1.) Several other parents who were also disappointed in his dismissal have been trying to get a name or contact info for the guy. (I know there's no mal-intent among these ones.) Should I share it, or would that be a breach of his privacy? I already mentioned that the office forwarded the note for my kids, so they could do that too.

2.) The address indicates he doesn't live that far away from us, and my kids have asked if they can make him cookies and bring them to him on their bikes. I think it's too far away for that, but I could drive them. (They got the idea because I do let them make cookies for our neighborhood every Christmas.) Would that be odd or intrusive? Would it be any different to allow them to do so at Christmas time?


You can be the contact info. They can send to you
and you can deliver as it is convenient for you.
He will respond to them if he chooses.
 
Upvote 0

snoochface

Meet the new boss -- same as the old boss.
Jan 3, 2005
14,123
2,967
57
San Marcos, CA
✟175,236.00
Faith
Non-Denom
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Libertarian
I would not share the address, but I'd offer to forward for other parents, or do the same office trick, just to show them how many parents do support this man.

I think cookies would be appropriate too, but I'm not sure how you'd handle it. Drop-ins may not be welcome. I wonder if as mom, you could send a short note saying, "My kids really loved you and were touched by your kind response to their small gift. They'd like to bring you cookies the next time we're in the area, but we don't want to impose. We may stop by next Thursday, but if that's inconvenient just let me know." I'm trying to think of a way you can give him a head's up, so if he doesn't want to open his door, he doesn't have to, but if the visit would be welcome, he knows to expect you.
 
Upvote 0

akmom

Newbie
Jun 13, 2012
1,479
338
U.S.
✟23,005.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Libertarian
Thanks everyone, I think you are right. I'll keep the address to myself. I'm not sure how to approach the cookie question yet. His thank you note suggested a visit would be welcome, but it wasn't explicit. It's hard for me to discern between a statement with meaning versus polite fillers, especially across generations.
 
Upvote 0

~Anastasia~

† Handmaid of God †
Dec 1, 2013
31,133
17,452
Florida panhandle, USA
✟922,745.00
Country
United States
Faith
Eastern Orthodox
Marital Status
Married
I think @Liza B. had a good suggestion as far as feeling him out and asking if it's ok to bring cookies. It sounds like you are only communicating through the mails which I know people find tedious these days but it does have its charm too. You could always give him your phone number if you wanted to, and/or mention a cookie-baking day and just ask if it's ok if you and the kids drop some off to him, that way he will know to expect you, and he can invite you inside if he wants (and you can accept of decline).

Without being sure it seems a cautious and sensitive to all parties is a good way to go forward. That way you can be friendly without imposing yourself?
 
Upvote 0
Oct 11, 2008
1,793
275
41
-
✟9,187.00
Country
United States
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
I have kind of an obscure situation in which I'm questioning where to draw the line between extending friendliness and respecting privacy.

My children's school had a custodian for many years who was recently fired. He was a very, very old man, retired from his previous line of work, and I suspect the job was more of a hobby. He was great with children. My children loved him. Rumor is that he got into a heated altercation with a parent, but of course there is no way to really know, nor do I care.

I didn't have the heart to tell my kids he got fired, so I told them he probably retired. Anyway, they made him a farewell card and a gift, so I called the school to get an address, but I guess the situation was so sensitive that they refused to give that out to anyone. (Lots of people were mad at him over whatever the incident was and some made threats.) I couldn't even get a full name to try to look it up myself. So I just brought the card into the school office with his first name, a stamp, and a return address and asked them to forward it. I even left it unsealed in case they were paranoid. Fast forward several weeks, and my kids get a sweet thank you note in the mail from him. With a return address.

1.) Several other parents who were also disappointed in his dismissal have been trying to get a name or contact info for the guy. (I know there's no mal-intent among these ones.) Should I share it, or would that be a breach of his privacy? I already mentioned that the office forwarded the note for my kids, so they could do that too.

2.) The address indicates he doesn't live that far away from us, and my kids have asked if they can make him cookies and bring them to him on their bikes. I think it's too far away for that, but I could drive them. (They got the idea because I do let them make cookies for our neighborhood every Christmas.) Would that be odd or intrusive? Would it be any different to allow them to do so at Christmas time?


Christmas would be better for certain if unsolicited, you could always send him a letter expressing your desire to bring cookies and that others want his address and see how he feels about it all.
 
Upvote 0

akmom

Newbie
Jun 13, 2012
1,479
338
U.S.
✟23,005.00
Faith
Christian
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Libertarian
I agree, those are all good approaches to avoid intruding. But I was kind of hoping to stay casual. I think it would be strange, under the circumstances, to inundate him with correspondence and let him know a bunch of people want to write him letters, schedule cookie drop-offs, etc. That's what you'd do for someone who just experienced a death in the family or a major tragedy.

The fact that he lost his job isn't even supposed to be public knowledge. The only reason any one knows is because the offended parent is a loud mouth and people are gossips.
 
Upvote 0
This site stays free and accessible to all because of donations from people like you.
Consider making a one-time or monthly donation. We appreciate your support!
- Dan Doughty and Team Christian Forums

snoochface

Meet the new boss -- same as the old boss.
Jan 3, 2005
14,123
2,967
57
San Marcos, CA
✟175,236.00
Faith
Non-Denom
Marital Status
Married
Politics
US-Libertarian
Then I think your best approach would be to make the cookies, attach a note to them from the kids ("Just wanted to let you know we're thinking of you, enjoy the sweets!"), bring them by, put them at his doorstep in a little decorative basket with plastic wrap over it or something, ring the bell, and scoot. If he doesn't want to open the door, he doesn't have to, if he does open the door, he'll see the gift and that'll be the end of it, and you don't have to worry about engaging further or inundating him with correspondence, which I agree can get cumbersome.
 
  • Like
Reactions: akmom
Upvote 0

~Anastasia~

† Handmaid of God †
Dec 1, 2013
31,133
17,452
Florida panhandle, USA
✟922,745.00
Country
United States
Faith
Eastern Orthodox
Marital Status
Married
That all makes sense too. In that case anyone who wants can see if the school will forward stuff and it's out of your hands.

I have to say though, I still remember our elementary school custodian. His name was Mr. Hi (at least that's all we knew, it could have been a first name and he was not Asian, he was a black man). He was always whistling and happy with a smile and greeting for everyone, and all the students loved him. And it's been many years since elementary school for me (I'm past 50 lol) yet I remember his name and face. I only remember a few teachers from back then. So I can understand he could make an impression. :)
 
  • Like
Reactions: akmom
Upvote 0