- Apr 12, 2018
- 3
- 4
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Christian
- Marital Status
- In Relationship
I don't know if this is the proper part of the forum to post to about this, but it was where I was referred to from the introductions section. I apologize in advance for the wall of text but I am not known for communicating in the most concise way possible.
So my journey begins from my childhood. I grew up with Christian parents and so from a young age I learned about the Bible. I always have always believed what it contains to be true, and at about age 5 or 6 I asked my father to pray with me to be saved. From that age onward I thought I was a Christian and I lived a happy life.
Fast-forward to end of middle school/high school and I got introduced to inappropriate content, which slowly took hold of me. Throughout high school and into college I continued to go to Church and profess to be a Christian but my addiction to inappropriate content became worse and worse and it caused many other terrible desires to grow in me. Looking back on it now I also realize that I became a very proud, and somewhat angry person. My actions very much did not reflect what a Christian should be.
After graduation from college I got a job and moved to a new city for it. Once there I started attending a new Church, though infrequently because I didn't have any deep desire for the truth in me. My brother pointed me to another Church he knew of and I started attending there. Something drew me to it and I started attending there regularly. At this point I was still stuck in my habitual sin of inappropriate content, etc. The constant teaching of the Bible started to convict my heart and I agreed that I needed to change, but I couldn't seem to let go. Every time I would sin I would feel destroyed inside and cry out to God. Then one night after I sinned again a wave of fear hit me as I realized that my actions were not consistent with someone who loves God. During that fear that night it seemed like something inside of me was let go and since then I've struggled with lust on an almost constant basis, though I now hate it because I know it's wrong (at least I think that's why).
In the days that followed that realization I completely stopped seeking opportunity to sin and prayed a lot. In the months since then I have been going through many struggles with fear and doubt of wondering if I resisted the Holy Spirit too long and if that night God finally gave up on me because I was too stuck in my ways and hardened my heart all the way since I was doing a darn good job at it myself. There was a short period at the end of last year where I fell back into sin for a short while but quickly stopped when I realized I was returning back into what had brought me to this place. In the last month it seems the thoughts that pop into my head corrupt anything I try to think about and cause me to fear even more about if I resisted too long and am given over to what I once held onto.
So my conundrum now is that I don't know if I'm saved, I don't really think so but I don't know, and I don't know if I can be.
I would appreciate any advice people have, preferably with scripture supporting it (I've seen far too many articles that are more like opinion pieces).
Thank you everyone!
So my journey begins from my childhood. I grew up with Christian parents and so from a young age I learned about the Bible. I always have always believed what it contains to be true, and at about age 5 or 6 I asked my father to pray with me to be saved. From that age onward I thought I was a Christian and I lived a happy life.
Fast-forward to end of middle school/high school and I got introduced to inappropriate content, which slowly took hold of me. Throughout high school and into college I continued to go to Church and profess to be a Christian but my addiction to inappropriate content became worse and worse and it caused many other terrible desires to grow in me. Looking back on it now I also realize that I became a very proud, and somewhat angry person. My actions very much did not reflect what a Christian should be.
After graduation from college I got a job and moved to a new city for it. Once there I started attending a new Church, though infrequently because I didn't have any deep desire for the truth in me. My brother pointed me to another Church he knew of and I started attending there. Something drew me to it and I started attending there regularly. At this point I was still stuck in my habitual sin of inappropriate content, etc. The constant teaching of the Bible started to convict my heart and I agreed that I needed to change, but I couldn't seem to let go. Every time I would sin I would feel destroyed inside and cry out to God. Then one night after I sinned again a wave of fear hit me as I realized that my actions were not consistent with someone who loves God. During that fear that night it seemed like something inside of me was let go and since then I've struggled with lust on an almost constant basis, though I now hate it because I know it's wrong (at least I think that's why).
In the days that followed that realization I completely stopped seeking opportunity to sin and prayed a lot. In the months since then I have been going through many struggles with fear and doubt of wondering if I resisted the Holy Spirit too long and if that night God finally gave up on me because I was too stuck in my ways and hardened my heart all the way since I was doing a darn good job at it myself. There was a short period at the end of last year where I fell back into sin for a short while but quickly stopped when I realized I was returning back into what had brought me to this place. In the last month it seems the thoughts that pop into my head corrupt anything I try to think about and cause me to fear even more about if I resisted too long and am given over to what I once held onto.
So my conundrum now is that I don't know if I'm saved, I don't really think so but I don't know, and I don't know if I can be.
I would appreciate any advice people have, preferably with scripture supporting it (I've seen far too many articles that are more like opinion pieces).
Thank you everyone!
