I am Undeserving

Matthew Frazier · Jul 13, 2018

As I finish up only one more years worth of some pretty technical coursework, I am not particularly interested in romance right now, but would love to pursue it after getting out of school and finding a job. But of course my anxiety and lowly self-esteem have got in the way, in particular because of several embarrassments I’ve had with the other sex. These involved taking pictures of my female friends without permission, sharing too much information (nothing serious really, I’ve just opened up about personal stressors in my recent life struggles/transitions and their ego couldn’t handle it), and asking out girls that were already dating when I didn’t know or were totally uninterested. I want romance because I love the companionship of females, and many of these situations happened long ago so I’ve already taken them to God to ask for forgiveness. Yet because of some of these rotten moments I’ve had I am feeling totally guilty of what I’ve done and completely undeserving, even looking a lady in the eye is terrifying because I’m afraid of doing something wrong. Even though I have never done anything extreme like force sex, assault, or play sexual predator with someone, and never even come close to doing anything of that nature, I feel just as bad as someone who has done so and feel like a dirty rotten inconsiderate narcissistic demon.

Is there a way to overcome this guilt so I can move past these embarrassments? Or am I just a worthless and lost cause in terms of deserving love because of what I’ve done?

1 John 4:1 · Jul 13, 2018

Matthew Frazier said:
As I finish up only one more years worth of some pretty technical coursework, I am not particularly interested in romance right now, but would love to pursue it after getting out of school and finding a job. But of course my anxiety and lowly self-esteem have got in the way, in particular because of several embarrassments I’ve had with the other sex. These involved taking pictures of my female friends without permission, sharing too much information (nothing serious really, I’ve just opened up about personal stressors in my recent life struggles/transitions and their ego couldn’t handle it), and asking out girls that were already dating when I didn’t know or were totally uninterested. I want romance because I love the companionship of females, and many of these situations happened long ago so I’ve already taken them to God to ask for forgiveness. Yet because of some of these rotten moments I’ve had I am feeling totally guilty of what I’ve done and completely undeserving, even looking a lady in the eye is terrifying because I’m afraid of doing something wrong. Even though I have never done anything extreme like force sex, assault, or play sexual predator with someone, and never even come close to doing anything of that nature, I feel just as bad as someone who has done so and feel like a dirty rotten inconsiderate narcissistic demon.

Is there a way to overcome this guilt so I can move past these embarrassments? Or am I just a worthless and lost cause in terms of deserving love because of what I’ve done?

The fact that you feel bad and acknowledge making mistakes means you aren't a narcissist. Narcissists don't feel empathy and will only blame other people for their problems. The best way to get over a fear is to face it and fail till you succeed. Go out and get some women!

(well one woman, but you'll probably have to talk to a lot before you figure out what works)

EDIT: for a more technical answer, try: cognitive behavioral therapy. You have some irrational thoughts (you are already aware that they are irrational) start with cognitive distortions: https://psychcentral.com/lib/15-common-cognitive-distortions/
Here's a general overview: https://psychcentral.com/lib/in-depth-cognitive-behavioral-therapy/

EDIT: what I did to help myself stop having these thoughts (and this is what the professionals have you do) is write the thought you have in the 1st column, then write what type of distortion it is in the 2nd colum, then write a more rational response in the 3rd. For example:

1st column: I'm a terrible narcisist because I didn't respect some women

2nd column: overgeneralization

3rd column: I have had problems respecting some women but I feel bad about that and this means I won't do that again and that I am a good person that is learning and growing.

EDIT: (even though I decided not to show it on my profile I am actually single) (I just realized this is a single's only posting area)

Kevin Snow · Jul 13, 2018

We all feel bad about the sins that are brought to our memory. It's what we do with it that counts. We need to repent and change our ways. There is no reason we should continue to be as we were or are.

Begin to treat ladies with honor, seeking their welfare and their upbringing. It's what you do with girls now that will define you. And as long as we continue to treat them with honor and respect then we will continue to separate ourselves from how we've treated them in the past.

It says in the scriptures to treat all girls like sisters and all older women like mothers. Can you picture this? Do you know how to have a sister relationship? I have two sisters and it's not that hard. We get along and talk about our lives together. I recently went bowling with my sister and we had a great time. Someone asked us if we were dating and we told them that we were brother and sister. This is how we can spend time with the opposite gender, as siblings.

Matthew Frazier · Jul 13, 2018

Kevin Snow said:
We all feel bad about the sins that are brought to our memory. It's what we do with it that counts. We need to repent and change our ways. There is no reason we should continue to be as we were or are.

Begin to treat ladies with honor, seeking their welfare and their upbringing. It's what you do with girls now that will define you. And as long as we continue to treat them with honor and respect then we will continue to separate ourselves from how we've treated them in the past.

It says in the scriptures to treat all girls like sisters and all older women like mothers. Can you picture this? Do you know how to have a sister relationship? I have two sisters and it's not that hard. We get along and talk about our lives together. I recently went bowling with my sister and we had a great time. Someone asked us if we were dating and we told them that we were brother and sister. This is how we can spend time with the opposite gender, as siblings.

Thanks for this post. I've already tried my best in recent times to treat my sisters in Christ like equals. Even when I was younger people close to me have praised me for this quality, so God has already given me glimpses of how to love women like I would myself. I guess its when my un-perfect sin nature comes out it seems to be a much heavier weight with females. My situation sucks since I am the only child in my family

Kevin Snow · Jul 13, 2018

Matthew Frazier said:
Thanks for this post. I've already tried my best in recent times to treat my sisters in Christ like equals. Even when I was younger people close to me have praised me for this quality, so God has already given me glimpses of how to love women like I would myself. I guess its when my un-perfect sin nature comes out it seems to be a much heavier weight with females. My situation sucks since I am the only child in my family

Just real quick: they are not equals. God put all women underneath all men. Being gallant is treating women with grace as the weaker vessel.

Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered. ~1 Peter 3:7

I wrote a blog post about the roles of man and woman in society and how it has changed from the beginning.

https://www.christianforums.com/blogs/the-roles-of-man-and-woman-in-society.58923/

And this blog post was about how God made us unequal and that some are closer to God than others by design. We all must be transformed into the image of Christ from one degree of glory to another. Some have been transformed in more degrees than another. Thereby making a hierarchy in heaven.

https://www.christianforums.com/blogs/god-made-us-unequal.58839/

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) · Jul 13, 2018

In a sense, none of us are deserving as far as earning our salvation or meriting any favor with God goes. But to say we aren't worthy of God is also a fallacy. He saw fit enough to come down and die on a cross for our sins didn't He? Prayers for your situation will go a lot further than what our recommendations can do in type. But just so that you know what I'll be praying for you about, I'll say this: When we really grasp who our Father is in God and the love He has for us then judgment and condemning thoughts won't hold any sway on us. That's my prayer for you. Because it sounds like you're legitimately earnest in your desire to be a good guy. Know who you are in Christ and everything else will flow out of that. Good day

Matthew Frazier · Jul 13, 2018

Bortsss said:
In a sense, none of us are deserving as far as earning our salvation or meriting any favor with God goes. But to say we aren't worthy of God is also a fallacy. He saw fit enough to come down and die on a cross for our sins didn't He? Prayers for your situation will go a lot further than what our recommendations can do in type. But just so that you know what I'll be praying for you about, I'll say this: When we really grasp who our Father is in God and the love He has for us then judgment and condemning thoughts won't hold any sway on us. That's my prayer for you. Because it sounds like you're legitimately earnest in your desire to be a good guy. Know who you are in Christ and everything else will flow out of that. Good day

Amen. You're a real brother. Thanks so much!

blackribbon · Jul 14, 2018

Matthew Frazier said:
As I finish up only one more years worth of some pretty technical coursework, I am not particularly interested in romance right now, but would love to pursue it after getting out of school and finding a job. But of course my anxiety and lowly self-esteem have got in the way, in particular because of several embarrassments I’ve had with the other sex. These involved taking pictures of my female friends without permission, sharing too much information (nothing serious really, I’ve just opened up about personal stressors in my recent life struggles/transitions and their ego couldn’t handle it), and asking out girls that were already dating when I didn’t know or were totally uninterested. I want romance because I love the companionship of females, and many of these situations happened long ago so I’ve already taken them to God to ask for forgiveness. Yet because of some of these rotten moments I’ve had I am feeling totally guilty of what I’ve done and completely undeserving, even looking a lady in the eye is terrifying because I’m afraid of doing something wrong. Even though I have never done anything extreme like force sex, assault, or play sexual predator with someone, and never even come close to doing anything of that nature, I feel just as bad as someone who has done so and feel like a dirty rotten inconsiderate narcissistic demon.

Is there a way to overcome this guilt so I can move past these embarrassments? Or am I just a worthless and lost cause in terms of deserving love because of what I’ve done?

You just haven't found the right person yet.

Taking pictures of people without their permission is just bad manners and that goes for everyone, not just women.

Sharing too much information is means you need to work on your social skills and figure out at what point in a friendship it is appropriate to share personal issues. If it is the right woman, she will actually be interested in hearing about you, flaws and all.

And asking out girls who are already dating is also possibly an indicator that you are not paying attention to the social cues around you. It also may mean that you really didn't know and there is nothing wrong with asking a person out and her saying "sorry, I am already in a relationship". I don't know why you would think this is a flaw or a reason to not ask someone else out again at another time.

You haven't mentioned anything horrible or even a flaw here. I see nothing to feel guilty about. Nobody gets every girl he asks out. Work on your social skills and being more aware of the people around you as you finish up your schooling so you are better prepared when you do decide to date.

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I am Undeserving

Matthew Frazier

Imma Jesus Freak baby ;D

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1 John 4:1

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Kevin Snow

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Matthew Frazier

Imma Jesus Freak baby ;D

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Kevin Snow

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( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

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Matthew Frazier

Imma Jesus Freak baby ;D

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blackribbon

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