I feel like there is no way out.

SnowTiger said:

Sorry, I'm extremely pessimistic. I hear this awful voice in my head all day long laughing at me. It keeps saying I'm going to be in a coffin.

I know some people care about me, but I feel bad all the time because of the voices I hear. It makes me feel like I'm a horrible person because I'm always feeling horrible inside.

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I know how real the voices can delusions and hallucinations can be cuz I used to have it too. I know that the meds can have side effects that are hard to deal with, like weight gain or even in very rare cases NMS. But life with schizophrenia and without meds is unbearable. Even on the meds I still struggle with feeling like a horrible person and feeling horrible on the inside. The psychologist I go see a couple of times a month tells me that for people with schizophrenia, that feeling like a horrible person is really common. If everything goes wrong and you're still convinced that you're going to be put in a coffin and it doesn't happen, you will know that it is only a delusion. The voices can't physically do anything without you doing it for them. I know that is so hard to believe while you are psychotic but its the truth. Even if all the events you're afraid of happen and you don't get put in a coffin, then the voices will eventually only tell you more lies and screw with my your mind in such a way that you still will struggle with doing basic functions and constantly leaves you paranoid and scared out of your mind. Even though WW3 is something that would be covered on the news around the world, I still believed that I had started it and that it just hadn't been covered yet even after starting on meds and having absolutely no proof that anything had actually happened. The more psychotic episodes you have the more likely you are to never come back to reality. It breaks your brain somehow. I tried going through school while voices were talking to me at first, I tried my hardest to ignore them for the longest time and pretend like everything was fine for the longest time. By the end of it I couldn't even read a page because the voices were screaming at me 24/7. the sooner you get diagnosed with the schizophrenia the better. I don't know if you have been diagnosed yet, but you REALLY need to get yourself to the school psychiatrist or psychologist ASAP and tell them what is ACTUALLY going on. I say this because doctor's can sometimes write doctors notes for you and get some of your grades changed to W's, which I think is fair because you are legitimately crippled by those voices. The voices are very crippling and disabling. Eventually if you let this progress your mind will only continue to spiral out of control and make doing basic functions in life impossible. Some people with schizophrenia even become afraid to eat because of their paranoia. Even on meds life with schizophrenia can be very difficult because of negative symptoms. positive symptoms are the symptoms that are more obvious where you hallucinate. I used to see shadows in the shape of people, and rarely light in the shape of people, and blue lines and red eyes. occasionally other objects, but then I also by the end I was hearing different voices screaming at me 24/7. the negative symptoms still exist even on meds, which are lack of concentration, lack of motivation, lack of pleasure. sometimes for people wiith schizophrenia, even on meds, when they finally realize that all of their paranoid delusions are not real, they feel disappointed and depressed because then they wake up to the damage of the hallucinations and delusions have done to their lives. They realize that they are crippled and a lot of what they have worked towards has often collapsed. The sooner you get diagnosed and put on meds, the better the outcome typically. about 10% of people with schizophrenia eventually commit suicide. Many of them do it because their delusions drive them to it. Others are just clutzy because they can't concentrate properly. Others do it because they realize how hard life is with schizophrenia. If you want any semblance of a normal life, you need to start seeing a psychiatrist and psychologist and start taking antipsychotics. You should really tell your parents what is happening to you so that you don't have to go through this alone. I made the mistake of thinking the voices were either God or talking to me on behalf of God and so when they told me not to tell anyone, well, I didn't tell anyone about hearing voices until I ended up in the psychologists office about 4 years after it started, and only because I was convinced that my life was over because the voices had convinced me I had to go commit suicide shortly thereafter or go to hell. Even after starting the meds I was convinced that I was destined to go to hell after I died because I didn't commit suicide fast enough and its taken years for me to start thinking that maybe I still have a shot of going to heaven. It is very unlikely that your family can force you to see a psychologist, and even if you do get diagnosed with schizophrenia, if you live in the USA then insane asylums don't exist anymore. In all honesty I wish there was somewhere for people with schizophrenia to go because many of them end up homeless or in jail because their delusions drove them to it. most of them end up in jail for minor offences like trespassing or stealing small items from stores because they have no concept of reality anymore.

SnowTiger said:

Thank you for your response. I have a psychiatrist. I'm taking 600 mg Clozapine and 4 mg Haloperidol. I'm still convinced that the voice I hear is the devil. I found messages written to me around the house, making me believe that I really am dealing with the devil. I feel like I was given miraculous signs. Like I saw my dad vanish in a flash of light and being replaced by a clone. So sometimes I think my dad isn't really my dad. I think he is a clone of my dad.

Why this is important is that I believe that God is going to create a copy of me so that no one will notice that I'm gone.

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I'm glad to hear that you have a psychiatrist. I saw and heard some things that were kind of like miraculous signs too. Because of that I kept believing the voices even though like everything else they were telling me were just lies. I'm sorry to hear that you still hear voices even while taking meds. I just wonder why if you believe you are dealing with the devil that you think the devil is telling you the truth? The devil is the father of lies.

John 8:44

You are of your father the devil, and your will is to do your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks out of his own character, for he is a liar and the father of lies.

Just because you thought you saw miraculous signs, does not mean you should be believe the messages.

2 Thessalonians 2:9

The coming of the lawless one is by the activity of Satan with all power and false signs and wonders,

Matthew 24:24

For false christs and false prophets will arise and perform great signs and wonders, so as to lead astray, if possible, even the elect.

Jesus performed miracles, but you'll notice that they were miracles that were also good works, like feeding people and healing people. I personally think at this point in my life that the voices I heard were demons, all of them. I don't believe that God ever spoke to me audibly while awake, although I do think that God spoke to me in a dream for sure at least once, although other times I'm not as certain about. I also don't believe that your dad is a clone. I think the voices are screwing with your head. I personally think that the one or two things that I witnessed by what I consider to be demons, although most believe them to be just my subconscious, that I thought were somewhat miraculous were shown to me for the purpose of convincing me to believe in the demons and it almost caused me to commit suicide because they were telling me to. I suggest you disregard the miraculous signs and realize that they are not necessarily things from God.

SnowTiger said:

You have a point. The devil does lie a whole lot. I mostly get fearful because I worry these signs that I saw were from God. But you may be right, the signs could be from the devil.

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Yeah. pretty much. I mean, technically it's possible that the signs are from God, but I severely doubt it. God would want us to live in love, not fear, and make disciples of others, and to be thankful towards Him, and to do good deeds and walk in His commandments. I don't think He would show signs and miracles for the purpose of causing us to live in fear and that distract us from following Him by loving Him and our neighbor.

As far as God's plan goes, God's original plan was for humans to be in the garden of Eden which was paradise with no sin and no suffering. Because of the devil's temptations and human's sinning against God, now we live on Earth with the consequences of sin. God's ultimate plan is to bring us back to paradise in Heaven.

Although God knows everything that has, is, and will happen, and is all powerful, he allows for people to have free will, and there will be suffering in this life.

John 16:33

I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”



For Israel, God's original plan in the Old Testament was for Him to be their king, but they refused to have Him for their king so He eventually listened to their wishes and had a prophet appoint Saul as their king and eventually David. But that wasn't His original plan. You can read about in 1 Samuel 8.

God wants to and is trying to save everyone, you and I included. 2 Peter 3:9. If God liked the devil and was on the devil's side, then God would not throw the devil into the lake of fire at the end of Revelation 20:10. the devil is God's enemy. Just because God has not eternally damned the devil to the lake of fire yet, doesn't mean that they are buddies. Have you heard of the new TV series called Lucifer? I don't recommend watching it. I've watched a couple of episodes, and although it is written well, it asks a lot of twisted questions that are meant to turn people against God. I don't remember any off the top of my head, but they are in there. My point is you aren't the first person to write a story portraying the devil in a positive light, and probably won't be the last. I've read posts on this forum in the past about people that see the devil in a positive light and others that even pray to the devil. I'm not saying that doing that is ok, but that you aren't the only one.

You're asking what God wants of you? There's a passage that talks about that.

Micah 6:8

He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?




I'm sorry you hear the devil all of the time. That must suck. If you draw near to God, then He will draw near to you.




James 4:7-8

7Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.




Sometimes I wish that God would talk to me directly and tell me exactly what He wanted me to do with my life in every specific moment. However, if you read the Old Testament when God did just that through the prophets, often times many of the people refused to do what they were told to do and often punished for directly disobeying God one way or another. What God wants from all of us is to follow His commandments, to give Him thanks in everything, to spread the gospel and make disciples, and to love God with everything we have along with people. He wants us to do stuff like give to the poor and to take care of widows and orphans if we can.




1 Thessalonians 5:18

give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

Matthew 28:18-20

And Jesus came and said to them, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them inbthe name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.”

John 14:15-17

“If you love me, you will keep my commandments. 16And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Helper,f to be with you forever, 17even the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it neither sees him nor knows him. You know him, for he dwells with you and will beg in you.




God sends the Holy Spirit to be with all Christians. the Holy Spirit doesn't typically manifest as hearing voices that are distracting and telling lies, but the Holy Spirit is still there. I think in Isaiah, this passage talks about the Holy Spirit resting on Jesus and describes in depth what the Holy Spirit is in 7 parts.





Isaiah 11:1-5

The Righteous Reign of the Branch

1There shall come forth a shoot from the stump of Jesse,
and a branch from his roots shall bear fruit.
2And the Spirit of the LORD shall rest upon him,
the Spirit of wisdom and understanding,
the Spirit of counsel and might,
the Spirit of knowledge and the fear of the LORD.
3And his delight shall be in the fear of the LORD.
He shall not judge by what his eyes see,
or decide disputes by what his ears hear,
4but with righteousness he shall judge the poor,
and decide with equity for the meek of the earth;
and he shall strike the earth with the rod of his mouth,
and with the breath of his lips he shall kill the wicked.
5Righteousness shall be the belt of his waist,
and faithfulness the belt of his loins.



John 6:28-29

28Then they said to him, “What must we do, to be doing the works of God?” 29Jesus answered them, “This is the work of God, that you believe in him whom he has sent.”

2 John 1:6

And this is love, that we walk according to his commandments; this is the commandment, just as you have heard from the beginning, so that you should walk in it.




Other than the the things that God wants everyone to do, to know specifically what God wants you to do is hard to know. There is one time where I think that God spoke to me in a dream, and really the only thing He told me to do that was individualized and yet not was that I needed to forgive my mother and ask her for forgiveness, and to realize that I was not without sin. But both of those things are really already in the Bible, we as Christians are supposed to forgive and and ask for forgiveness, if not from people, then at least from God. And of course we are all sinners.If you want God to tell you what to you, then spend more time reading the Bible. The Bible is the word of God. God sends the Holy Spirit to be with you through all of your struggles. I think this one Psalm is interesting. It talks about how God knows everything before it happens, and also that no matter where you are, He is there. I'm not sure exactly what Sheol means though, some interpret it to be simply death while others think it is hell. I don't know. But the point is that God is everywhere.




Psalm 139:1-12

1O LORD, you have searched me and known me!
2You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
3You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
4Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
5You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
6Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.

7Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
11If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
12even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.



Sometimes if people turn against God then He will hide His face from them, but as soon as they repent and turn back, He no longer hides His face from them.

Ezekiel 39:25-29

The LORD Will Restore Israel

25“Therefore thus says the Lord GOD: Now I will restore the fortunes of Jacob and have mercy on the whole house of Israel, and I will be jealous for my holy name. 26They shall forget their shame and all the treachery they have practiced against me, when they dwell securely in their land with none to make them afraid, 27when I have brought them back from the peoples and gathered them from their enemies’ lands, and through them have vindicated my holiness in the sight of many nations. 28Then they shall know that I am the LORD their God, because I sent them into exile among the nations and then assembled them into their own land. I will leave none of them remaining among the nations anymore. 29And I will not hide my face anymore from them, when I pour out my Spirit upon the house of Israel, declares the Lord GOD.”

Deuteronomy 32:17-22

17They sacrificed to demons that were no gods,
to gods they had never known,
to new gods that had come recently,
whom your fathers had never dreaded.
18You were unmindful of the Rock that boree you,
and you forgot the God who gave you birth.

19“The LORD saw it and spurned them,
because of the provocation of his sons and his daughters.
20And he said, ‘I will hide my face from them;
I will see what their end will be,
for they are a perverse generation,
children in whom is no faithfulness.
21They have made me jealous with what is no god;
they have provoked me to anger with their idols.
So I will make them jealous with those who are no people;
I will provoke them to anger with a foolish nation.
22For a fire is kindled by my anger,
and it burns to the depths of Sheol,
devours the earth and its increase,
and sets on fire the foundations of the mountains.




James 1:27

Religion that is pure and undefiled before God the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their affliction, and to keep oneself unstained from the world.

Hebrews 13:15-16

15Through him then let us continually offer up a sacrifice of praise to God, that is, the fruit of lips that acknowledge his name.16Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.

SnowTiger said:

I have very little faith. Because of this voice I hear I feel like God hates me. I'm very worried I will go to hell if I quit college or get a C.

I know the devil lies, but I always worry that he might be telling the truth.

I'm very afraid that I did something wrong so that my sins aren't going to be forgiven. It feels like I'm going to be convicted of every last sin.

Like I feel like bets that I make in my head should be easy to forgive, but I really think that they will bury me alive for my bets because every last sin, even the little ones, will be counted against me.

The voice in my head keeps calling me "Hitler" and says I'm "a worthless piece of ****."

I have a hard time reading the bible too. I usually focus on the negative parts like the parts where God punishes people.

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I don't know if I can help you with those specific issues. I think pretty strongly that God is real and that Jesus is the Son of God. However, I struggle with thinking that I'm going to hell when I die. I think the only unpardonable sin is blaspheming the Holy Spirit. I've heard a lot of different interpretations of it. Personally I think it means that you believe that the healing miracles done by Jesus were really done by the power of the devil, but I'm not sure. That is what I gathered from reading it within the context, because at the time the pharisees were saying that he casts out the devil by the power of the devil. To be honest I'm not sure.

My psychologist says that it is really common for people suffering from schizophrenia to think they are bad people, more than most. I think that we are saved by faith alone through grace so that no one can boast Ephesians 2:8-9. However, if you actually have faith, then it will manifest in your behavior at least a little bit if your faith is sincere. The thing that is great about our God and Jesus is that if you repent sincerely and forgive others then you're forgiven Acts 3:19. Matthew 6:14-15 Really there are plenty of people that believe in once saved always saved, although I'm skeptical about that and wouldn't risk eternal salvation by depending on it. I don't think you have to be successful at anything, you just have to be trying. God knows you're innermost thoughts, intentions, feelings, heart, everything Jeremiah 17:9-10, 1 Samuel 16:7.

I would encourage you to stop making bets, but I know that is difficult for you. It's not like your bets are even being spoken out loud, right? It is difficult to control the words coming out of your mouth, let alone your thoughts. James 3:1-2 While we are to try to take captive every thought to Christ, it is much easier said than done. 2 Corinthians 10:5

The parts where people get punished scares me too. I have a tendency to want to avoid reading the Bible because I fixate on the different types of sins and see how most of them apply to me to some extent, even if they are just thoughts, and it makes me feel bad about myself. The thing about the punishments though, is that God is very quick to relent of the punishments if they repent.

And also, you have to remember that while God is love 1 John 4:8, He is also a God of justice Isaiah 30:18, and because of sin none of us deserve to go to Heaven, we are all sinners and fallen short of the glory of God. It is only through Jesus that we can reconciled to Him, and made clean in the blood of the Lamb.

I didn't make bets in my head, but while I was still hearing voices and psychotic, I thought God told me to condemn everyone to hell. I didn't want to, and at first I resisted doing that, but eventually I did, and then I was told that it was a test and that I was worse than Hitler and that because of that I would sink farther into hell than everyone else that had ever lived. I'm ashamed of it, not just because I did that, but because I did it out of cowardice, and because my concept of God is so twisted that I would actually believe even while psychotic that that is what God would actually want. When Moses was faced with a similar situation after the people worshiped the golden calf, he asked that God take his name out of the book of life instead of the people he had saved from Egypt in Exodus, Exodus 32:30-34. God then said that he would only blot out the people that sinned against Him. Also, Paul said that he would be willing to go to hell if He could if it would cause everyone else to be saved, even though he knew that wasn't possible Romans 9:3.

The thing about the devil, he is indeed the father of lies, but he is also very good at quoting and twisting scripture, as you can see when he tries to tempt Jesus in the wilderness. Matthew 4:1-11. I would if possible to the best of your ability disregard everything that you hear from the devil. Some would argue that you're not hearing the devil but just your subconscious. I personally couldn't help but feel I was hearing spirits because of some of the things I saw and was told. It would be much easier to ignore them if your meds made them go away. I feel so bad for you that the meds don't make the voices go away.

I don't see how according to the Bible quitting college or getting a C will send you to hell. It does talk about how laziness can be a potential cause of poverty, but in your case your mind is crippled, and I really don't think that applies to you at all.

I read a post recently on this site where someone was arguing similarly to you that basically said that Jesus only sacrificed Himself on the cross so that He could be the most powerful being in the universe, and that anyone would make that deal if they could. I think this person forgot that Jesus has been around since the beginning of time. He didn't have to die on the cross to be the Son of God and the Prince of Peace, He already was. As Jesus said, before Abraham was born, I am. John 8:57-58. the I am statement is also a way of Jesus claiming divinity, because one of God's many names in the Old Testament is the great I AM, I think.

I think you made a mistake in saying that, but I don't think that that means Jesus made a mistake in loving you. The messages and the signs you keep getting really don't sound like they are from God, including the one you saw on your hand. I think you should keep taking the meds even if you do hear laughter, cuz statistically speaking, you're frequency of ending up in the hospital diminishes if you keep taking the meds.

I think saying that Jesus died only for power and glory isn't blaspheming the Holy Spirit. Don't get me wrong, it is insulting to Jesus, but I think while Jesus did die to save us, I think it was to some extent for the glory of God also, but probably not for power because Jesus already had all the power.

John 17:1-4

1When Jesus had spoken these words, he lifted up his eyes to heaven, and said, “Father, the hour has come; glorify your Son that the Son may glorify you, 2since you have given him authority over all flesh, to give eternal life to all whom you have given him. 3And this is eternal life, that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom you have sent. 4I glorified you on earth, having accomplished the work that you gave me to do. 5And now, Father, glorify me in your own presence with the glory that I had with you before the world existed.


In this prayer made by Jesus before the crucifixion, Jesus is asking God for glory, but so that He can glorify God. I think you should read the whole chapter of Hebrews 2. It kind of talks about the subject, but I will try to pull some parts out to emphasize. Basically it does talk about how God gives him glory and honor, and the power over everything that has been put in subjection under His feet.

Hebrews 2:5-10

5For it was not to angels that God subjected the world to come, of which we are speaking. 6It has been testified somewhere,

“What is man, that you are mindful of him,
or the son of man, that you care for him?
7You made him for a little while lower than the angels;
you have crowned him with glory and honor,a
8putting everything in subjection under his feet.”

Now in putting everything in subjection to him, he left nothing outside his control. At present, we do not yet see everything in subjection to him. 9But we see him who for a little while was made lower than the angels, namely Jesus, crowned with glory and honor because of the suffering of death, so that by the grace of God he might taste death for everyone.

10For it was fitting that he, for whom and by whom all things exist, in bringing many sons to glory, should make the founder of their salvation perfect through suffering.