Advice and support needed

Jun 2, 2018
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I am a young single Christian woman of 26 years. I met a fellow church member outside of church, I knew him but at the time he didn’t know me. He plays an active role in church along with his wife. However, I made the worst mistake ever which was getting close to him. Initially it was nothing to me but a developing friendship but overtime it turned into something more and we got much closer, intimately, which of course I am ashamed to say. We agreed that we would not let it get to the stage of actual intercourse and that we should withdraw on the intimacy, however, it turned out that we didn’t exercise enough self-control and we eventually had intercourse on more than one occasions. It’s so painful, I’m burdened with guilt and shame, I feel like praying is pointless, worship is pointless, praising is pointless and I am not sure how to move on from here. We do not want it to continue because we know that it is wrong and God is definitely not pleased but I feel as if I’ve lost all connection with God. Do we need to publicly confess our sin to pastor and the church? Or can we just do a personal confession to God and repent? We definitely do not want this to be disclosed as it will be disgraceful for the both of us. I know it might not seem that way but we love God more than anything and are still committed to service for Him.
 

Albion

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There is no reason to make a public confession. However, some church bodies
(certain Fundamentalist and Pentecostal ones are often among them) have the view that such a thing is to be done. I would advise you not to do it, but I do not want to advise you to defy your own church if it is one of these.
 
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Kevin Snow

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I advise you to make a public confession to the wife of the man and to the pastor of the church. If you let something like this fester it will turn into great depression and sickness but coming to the light is necessary to find freedom.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. ~1 John 1:9
 
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ValleyGal

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I do not believe there is a need to confess publicly, but I will make a suggestion. Find a woman who is older, and who is not only a mature believer, but also walking in freedom. Talk to her and see if she would agree to be an accountability partner for you, and once a relationship is established, then confess to her so that you will have accountability.

I would never advise telling the man's wife. That could cause far more harm than good... and imo, it is best to do no harm. The principle of confession is that confessing is the first part of amends, but only when it does not cause further harm than has already been caused. By confessing before the man is ready to confess to his wife could be very harmful... that is HIS marriage, and HE should be the one who confesses to her. As for you, you should find a new place to worship so that this does not happen again.
 
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salt-n-light

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I am a young single Christian woman of 26 years. I met a fellow church member outside of church, I knew him but at the time he didn’t know me. He plays an active role in church along with his wife. However, I made the worst mistake ever which was getting close to him. Initially it was nothing to me but a developing friendship but overtime it turned into something more and we got much closer, intimately, which of course I am ashamed to say. We agreed that we would not let it get to the stage of actual intercourse and that we should withdraw on the intimacy, however, it turned out that we didn’t exercise enough self-control and we eventually had intercourse on more than one occasions. It’s so painful, I’m burdened with guilt and shame, I feel like praying is pointless, worship is pointless, praising is pointless and I am not sure how to move on from here. We do not want it to continue because we know that it is wrong and God is definitely not pleased but I feel as if I’ve lost all connection with God. Do we need to publicly confess our sin to pastor and the church? Or can we just do a personal confession to God and repent? We definitely do not want this to be disclosed as it will be disgraceful for the both of us. I know it might not seem that way but we love God more than anything and are still committed to service for Him.


I think the most it needs to go is to talk to pastor, but I would imagine that the scenario would be more of encouraging the guy to tell the wife first, if she wants to fix things then leave it to the wife and husband to go, and you can go talk to pastor on your own.

Doesn't need to be public, but it should be more up to the wife and husband in terms of involving the pastor. Either way, you may have to find a new place of worship.
 
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Morghaine

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I don't think either of you need to make a public confession, but I do believe his wife should be told, by him. I think its unfair for her to be left in the dark; she should have the choice to forgive and work on their marriage. I am praying for you, that you can find peace and forgiveness.
 
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SkyWriting

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I am a young single Christian woman of 26 years. I met a fellow church member outside of church, I knew him but at the time he didn’t know me. He plays an active role in church along with his wife. However, I made the worst mistake ever which was getting close to him. Initially it was nothing to me but a developing friendship but overtime it turned into something more and we got much closer, intimately, which of course I am ashamed to say. We agreed that we would not let it get to the stage of actual intercourse and that we should withdraw on the intimacy, however, it turned out that we didn’t exercise enough self-control and we eventually had intercourse on more than one occasions. It’s so painful, I’m burdened with guilt and shame, I feel like praying is pointless, worship is pointless, praising is pointless and I am not sure how to move on from here. We do not want it to continue because we know that it is wrong and God is definitely not pleased but I feel as if I’ve lost all connection with God. Do we need to publicly confess our sin to pastor and the church? Or can we just do a personal confession to God and repent? We definitely do not want this to be disclosed as it will be disgraceful for the both of us. I know it might not seem that way but we love God more than anything and are still committed to service for Him.

Don't see him again in any context.
Glad we can help.
 
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quietpraiyze

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I want to say no to public confession but I can't. The problem I'm having is the fact that you've been secretly seeing one another though you knew you were dangerously close to crossing the line and did so. In order for this to completely stop, it might need to be exposed. This makes me think about John 3:19. People often think they're protecting the wife, but that's not always true. We now know about you but what if there are others? What if this guy is a predator who is going after single women in the flock? At the very least he needs to be confronted. It is a good ideal to find some place else to worship but it might very well be a good ideal to tell them why you're leaving. It could very well give them a heads up in protecting the single women you will be leaving behind. Also married men know what they're doing when they're engaging single women. Odds are you're probably not his first "encounter" outside of his marriage. It would also behoove you to have a resolve to keep your distance and to never be alone with a married man or single man for that matter. The conflict is real...
 
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Thank you so much for all your responses, the advice, the suggestions and recommendations... I appreciate them all. I am paying close attention and looking into each and every one of them. It is difficult as I am truly hurting right now but I am trying to hold on to God's unchanging hand. The thoughts of not being accepted and loved anymore, being rejected, condemned, scorned and all are popping up. I just need to find myself in the right place, and build the courage to do the right thing so that I can find peace once again.

To consider moving away and changing church is a very hard pill to swallow. My church is my home, it's where I was grown. It's where I've built lifelong friendships and relationships. It's where I've invested time working for the Lord. I can't imagine the level of disappointment to come. I need the strength to cope and to go about this wisely.
 
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quietpraiyze

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God is for you dearheart. Pray for His wisdom...

For the most part I do feel when you "share" what you consider personal, especially something on this level with someone that that is "public" unless you've signed a "statement of confidentiality". So while you're intent can be private, without such a contract you're not guaranteed that. James 5:16 is very powerful when it's actually lived out amongst the saints. Unfortunately amongst people who are considered born again are gossipers too. It's a real problem in some churches. So in the event you do choose to "share" make sure you know the difference between "public/private" sharing as viewed by someone you may want to seek help from like a Pastor/Minister/Counselor. Know how they view public/private sharing and don't be afraid to ask. Also as a Single woman be very careful about sharing with married women because many have a tendency to tell their husbands. Who sometimes in return will gossip and stare.
 
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