Acedia at age 17, possibly going to a mental hospital??

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me the sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me the sinner.
Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me the sinner.
...

If you read the above, I assume you did, you just said a prayer. Was it so hard?

I don't think you have abandoned God. He most certainly hasn't abandoned you. In fact, He must love you very much for allowing the most horrible temptation to befall you in such a young age, I mean acedia. I have no doubt that a great spiritual consolation is in store for you. Only don't desire to have it right now. Now it's time for struggle. So fight! The five word prayer you say under your circumstances has more value than a five page one uttered during times of peace. Believe me, there are people who after winning the fight with acedia and having found joy and peace in the Lord, prayed for the warfare to return. This is a great opportunity for heavenly crowns, don't waste it.

Prayers,
icxn

Mental illness means that our minds often lies to us about what is really going on. This is why holding onto God and His promises are so powerful in keeping us grounded and in shape, for His ordinance to care is for ourselves as well. Please don't let the doom and the gloom of your depressive mind cloud your vision of yourself as a child of God in need of care. Make that an issue of paramount importance.

i learned to see that self care is very important. We have to have a clear vision of where we are going so we can with stand the pressure.

Don't seek after formal kind of prayers, just begin to share yourself with God, He is always listening. Tell Him everything, share your whole inner reality with Him, constantly, and have life in the truth of His Word, for such is truly good life no matter how hard our physical lives are going.

Make Jesus your centre piece and begin to experience the difference.

Peace.

The prospect of going to a hospital may be scary but keeping you safe is the most important thing.

You know, ever since I came back to God late last December/earlier this year, I have gone through a lot of fear and struggles.

My initial fear was fear of Hell. My mind couldn't wrap around eternity and how serious Hell is, and so whenever I thought about it I would be filled with fear and my mind would instantly go "no that's not a thing", but I would go "it's in the Bible." And since I couldn't get myself to focus on and accept that, I thought Christ would mean nothing to me because I can't fully understand the punishment of sin. So I was in turmoil day and night praying "God I deserve Hell (that's excessive isn't it? thoughts would come), no I DESERVE IT (But why can't I get myself to. He is just but my mind rejects His judgment) I DESERVE HELL." And it went back and forth and I had no rest. I was perhaps the most miserable believer in the world.

But, a close believing friend of mine told me to not worry or focus on that, but focus on Christ. Jesus wants to forgive! All we have to do is turn to Him and ask for forgiveness and for Him to lead us. He is not about condemnation, He is about saving.

Great, I thought! So I did. But then I started feeling in authentic. My problem is, I had a false image of God built up over the years, so when I prayed to surrender I couldn't bring myself to surrender everything because I didn't fully trust that He was all satisfying. So day in and day out I would accept Jesus 2-12 times a day. "Jesus I accept you as my Saviour and Lord", but I struggled to surrender to His Lordship. Not that I deny it, but to fully surrender myself to His will I couldn't bring myself to do. So I would try to force myself. I have probably tried to surrender a literal 50+ times this last week. And nothing changed. I was miserable, I felt physical pain saying "I surrender to your Lordship", I was exhausted, and apathy and sin were starting to creep in. I felt like there was no hope, I was lost cause I couldn't bring myself to fully surrender. "What if I am deluding myself and don't actually want to believe?" Thoughts kept creeping in my head, even thoughts and feelings "no I don't want salvation" but then I would fight and fight to want salvation and seek it and I felt lost and hopeless. "No true Christian struggles like this. I am self-deceived, I am lost and will perish." And I started praying and praying and praying out of fear "I SURRENDER to your lordship, I give you my will, I accept you as Savior - no not authentic enough, not serious enough, I SURRENDER I SURRENDER- why can't I." I don't even feel physical love for the Lord, I fear Him and my heart is wanting to deny Him and His will but I don't want that. But why is that desire growing maybe that's what I want. No I want to love Him. Do I really or am I just terrified of Hell. I can't even tell what I truly desire to do and want!

And then, all the little pieces of truth and knowledge I have learned started popping up like seeds sprouting.

"A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out. In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;" - Isaiah 42:3

> Jesus will not crush me. He will not let my fears, my struggles, my doubts, my sin anything to destroy. He has all the right in the world to, but He doesn't. I'm still here. I have believing friends who are new in my life who are teaching me and blessing me. He cares for me.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28

> All I have to do is come; rest may not come immediately, but He promises rest.

- "But wait, do I really want to come?" I thought. "That means no going back. I am certain I truly want to believe and follow Him." I have never lived for anything. My whole life has been go with the flow and kind of like a haze- especially so in the last couple years. I was so afraid of what fully surrendering is like that I couldn't bring myself to do it, yet I tried to force it but it was out of fear and always half-hearted. I felt lost and hopeless. "I can't even get myself to 100% come."

> "All those the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away." - John 6:37

> Yeah but my heart is torn in two- I am double-minded, I can't come fully. I desparately want to WANT to, but I can't do it with a full heart

"Whoever comes to me I will never drive away"

> But my sinful heart

"WHOEVER comes to me I will NEVER drive away"


And then it hit me. I don't have to overcome all of these things- in fact, I can't. There is nothing in me I can will up or do to love the Lord more or surrender more or change myself. The answer is IN HIM. I just have to come as I am. So I came.
I brought my fears
My doubts
My half-heartedness
My unwillingness to fully commit my life to Him

And I prayed "Jesus, please forgive my sin. Please change me and lead me with your Spirit. I want to live a surrendered life to you, and I confess my fears and doubts and that I can't bring myself to do it. But I want to. I want to love you and live for you for all you have done to me. You say whoever comes to you you will never turn away, and so Lord I come. I come with perhaps one of the most half-hearted, fearful, wanting, unwilling, willing, torn coming in the world, but I come before you and pray for mercy. Please change my heart and give me a new heart. I want to desire you and live for you above all else, and a growing part of me doesn't want that. But I don't want to reject you. I don't want to be without you. I don't want to sin against. I trust in your promise, please guide me into truth and lead me into surrender with your Spirit."

And guess what? I felt absolutely NOTHING. "Same as usual. I'm probably to lost and unwilling that there's no hope. But then I thought, "why would I struggle so much for Him if I didn't desire Him?" And I realized that I have a false image of Him in my mind from half-heatedly following Him in the past, and I was trying to surrender based on my false conceptions about Him. "That means I can't even pray to Him!" I thought. But that's a lie. He says come. Even though I felt nothing, even thought I was so broken and have so many fears and so many doubts, He allows me to come to Him.

And although I feel nothing most of the time, I put my trust in HIM to change me. Not me. I can't will up anything. I am trusting Him, and I know by His promise He is in me and leading me and will clear out everything that is against Him and change my heart to desire Him above all else. And sometimes, I do feel a lot of peace. But it is often fleeting, and I don't put my faith in feelings. I still struggle with doubt, but I am trusting in Him to guide me, and in the mean time I am continuing in His word, fellowship, and living for Him as best as I can. This is my story and a lot of it may not pertain to you, but I struggled and still struggle with lack of feelings, yet I know that He is with me.

Feelings have been lacking in my walk as well, and even though He has led me back I don't feel overwhelming joy or peace. But I realize I have a lot of gunk and lies in my life that He is clearing out and it will take time. It hurts right now, but He promises rest will come.

There are others I have learned struggle with the same lack of feelings. And if I can say anything to you, it would be know that lack of feelings don't mean you are saved. Also, don't assume feelings of weariness, feeling like faith is making you miserable mean you're not saved either. I struggle with the exact same things. I talked with my pastor about it this morning, and he told me "Even if you feel lost, even if you are half-committed, fully committed, doubting, believing, whatever, He holds you."

So please know this, if you have asked Jesus to forgive your sins and lead you, and teach you about Him and have a relationship with Him, no matter what you feel, He is in you and with you. And you can always go to Him.

"If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything." - 1 John 3:20

I often worried that since half of me was running from Him and I tried so desperately to change that but was unable on my own strength that I could not come to Him. But, He is so gracious. He is so gracious. Jesus will never turn away someone who wants to know Him and follow Him but is struggling.

He will take your struggles, and will walk through them with you. Even if you are feeling hopeless, you are not hopeless- in fact the Lord is with you. And if you doubt your salvation, trust His word. "And everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved." - Acts 2:21

Trust Him. Even the SMALLEST, ATOMIC SIZE faith (trust) can move the mountains (Matthew 17:20; a mustard seed is an extremely small seed that eventually grows to be extremely large).

He loves you, He is for you, pray to Him with all your fears and doubts, and know that He holds you in His hands. Even if you feel lost, even if you feel hopeless, you are not. Jesus holds you. It is EXTREMELY difficult to grasp. Often times, at least in my life, it feels like a dream. I struggle with a heart that is turning against Him. I have not been living a life of sin by His grace anymore, but ever since He brought me back it's like my entire being is wanting me to turn from Him. This is spiritual warfare, where the old sin nature is at war with the Spirit of God in a believer. And yet I have learned He accepts me as I am, and my faith is in Him to change me. It is the smallest faith in the world, but it has not been crushed. My greatest fear is rejecting Him and at times it feels like that's what my entire being wants, yet there is this small seed in me that is steadfast and not crushed despite everything. That prays, that seeks Him, that reaches out even when it feels crushed and condemned.

"A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out. In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;" - Isaiah 42:3

"being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus." - Philippians 1:6

You are not alone, and He will finish the good work He started in you. If you need to talk or want pray please let me know, I share the same struggles in my walk. You are not alone .

I have OCD, so I struggle with thought patterns and bad thoughts/feelings often. Mental illness can make faith extremely hard, but God is greater than our thoughts and fears.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:39

God loves you, He is for you. I feel terrible often with my struggles, yet I have learned and am learning God's love for me hasn't changed, and He is still with me. In fact, He is the one who enables us to seek Him.

"No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws them, and I will raise them up at the last day." - John 6:44

He loves you so much that HE is the one reaching out to and sustaining you. Please share any other questions or doubts you have, I would love to share my experiences with you as they are similar in a sense (faith making you feel worse often).

One last thing (forgive me for making this post so long, I just wanted to share you what I have been going through as I believe that some of the truths I am coming to grasp and learning may help you). In your other thread, you said that you were 6 months in. You're a new believer, and you don't have to grasp everything or have the perfect walk. You are learning. Right now the lack of feelings seem to have turned into feelings of negativity, hopelessness, and the like. You are not alone, and there is nothing wrong with you. I have learned of other believers who struggle with the same things. Often you hear of the people with unceasing joy, peace, etc. But the lack of doesn't mean you're not saved. It doesn't mean Jesus loves you less. I don't have the answer for the cause (in my case it was a half-hearted walk and now cutting through the lies and learning who He truly is. I only share my story to show that even someone as messed up as me is still loved by the Lord- which blows my mind constantly- and He can save the most broken and lost people), but you are normal, this is just a struggle that you are going through right now and I hope the Lord starts teaching you how to rest in Him and that He loves you no matter what and is for you. I'm not trying to undermine it, feelings of helplessness are overwhelming and it's soooo hard to get out of a pit of negativity once deep in it. Through the Lord all things are possible (see Matthew 19:26). Please know He loves you and is with you even when you feel lost or have these negative emotions. And also know you don't have to grasp everything or get through all of this at once. It's a process. You are a new Christian, like a small sapling. You can't force yourself to become a tree overnight or rapidly. I have tried, and it leads to disappointment and failure.

I urge you to find a good fellowship group. You know, I found an amazing fellowship group, and even when there are times I don't feel like going, I go. To let the Lord work on me. And these people have loved me, have helped me through my struggles. They listen to my doubts, my fears, and guide me and help me rest in Christ and His truths. Find a group to support you and guide you in your faith. Do you desire to go to fellowship? Sometimes going even when we don't feel like it is the best thing for us. We don't grow or change in our comfort zones. Don't push yourself too hard, but think, pray about, and take effort to find a group of believers to support you. I will pray that you find a good group. The people on this forum are here for you too. I am as well. You are not alone and you are loved .

cerulean said:

I don't know how to describe the excruciating spiritual pain I'm in right now. Even though everything in my life is going great, I feel terrible all the time for no reason. I can't read Scripture, I can't enjoy fellowship, and I can't even pray. I tried to get help from my mom, but she just kept saying that we need to increase my Prozac dosage. I told her that that won't help, because this is a spiritual issue, not just a mental one. The only thing that medication will do is numb me so I can no longer see the problem. People always say that Christian life is full of ups and downs, but for me, it's just been down, down, down, down every day from the moment I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. Maybe that's why I sleep all day every day, because it's the only time when I don't have to think about how I've abandoned God. But now it's even started taking over my sleep, too. I had a dream last night that all my teeth were shattering like glass and there was nothing I could do about it, and whenever I tried to get help, I couldn't explain it to anybody because I had no teeth and I couldn't speak properly, so I just ignored the problem and hoped it would go away. When I woke up from this nightmare, I couldn't fall back asleep, because no matter how much I tried to tell myself, "it was just a dream", I knew it wasn't. It's real life for me now. My mom keeps insisting that more medication will solve all my problems, and she won't listen when I tell her that it won't work. She's even told me that she's probably to to have me committed to a mental hospital or psych ward because she's afraid I might hurt myself. I told her that even though I do want to die, I'm not gonna kill myself because I'm afraid of what will happen afterwards. I don't know what to do. I just want to stop existing for a little while, or better yet, to never have been born at all.

Click to expand...

I feel a lot like you. I don't sleep all day though. I make myself do things because God gave me the Holy Spirit strength and will, a blessing. Pray for the will to get up and live. If u can't pray listen to audio Bible until you can read the psalms. It's your life and God has a plan for you.

I too feel like this -- no loving feelings toward God/Jesus,/ lack of desire to read the Bible and pray, etc. I also have OCD/scrupulosity and have a distorted view of God. Despite this, I cannot walk away from whatever little faith I have. My therapist tells me that if I did not believe or love God (even without feelings), it would not bother me so much. I hope this is true. Ivan57 you have a lot of good things to say, and I thank you for taking the time to post all this. I'm on my way out right now, but plan to re-read your post slowly and carefully.

The only thing I can add right now is that Mother Teresa felt this way for most of her Christian walk. This has been of some comfort to me.

fashionista1 said:

I too feel like this -- no loving feelings toward God/Jesus,/ lack of desire to read the Bible and pray, etc. I also have OCD/scrupulosity and have a distorted view of God. Despite this, I cannot walk away from whatever little faith I have. My therapist tells me that if I did not believe or love God (even without feelings), it would not bother me so much. I hope this is true. Ivan57 you have a lot of good things to say, and I thank you for taking the time to post all this. I'm on my way out right now, but plan to re-read your post slowly and carefully.

The only thing I can add right now is that Mother Teresa felt this way for most of her Christian walk. This has been of some comfort to me.

Click to expand...

I know how you feel. I didn’t grow up in a Christian Home, but the (went to a private Christian middle/high school, it was the best - in terms of the friendly/healthy environment, the public schools were sketchy- school in the area) Christian environment I grew up in had a lot of emotions involved. People were like “Oh if you met Jesus you would KNOW” and talk about their experiences. It was a lot of “having a fire” in your heart thing. Which I think is great, but that’s not the one and only experience. I would try to repent more or fully surrender every single thing in my life on my own willpower in one moment or pray harder, etc. I thought the lack of emotions meant lack of conversion/faith. But I have and am learning this is not true.

We all have different experiences, but the same Spirit (God’s Holy Spirit) guiding us. Not everyone has a “Pentecost”/instant-conversion heart fully on Fire moment.

Jesus says “if you love me, you will keep my commandments”, and the fact that you are distressed about not feeling physical love God shows you care about Him. I’ve heard in marriage there are times where you may not feel strong physical love at times, but that doesn’t mean you don’t love the person.

As I grow and plug into the word/spend time in fellowship, I get more- though brief and far and few- moments of a lot of peace or thankfulness to God. But I don’t chase the feelings or go “Now I have real faith because I am experiencing these things!” I am thankful when they come, but I seek to honor God and not sin because I want to please Him- because He is changing my old heart of stone and giving me a heart that loves Him.

There are also people who are “on fire” during worship, experience a bunch of emotions but live no differently. I haven’t met any personally, but I’ve learned from other people’s experiences. Some people get caught up in emotions and chases after them over God. Other genuinely have lots of emotions and feel that physical love for God and follow Him/serve Him. And then there are others who feel emotions infrequently or barely at all, but they are no less believers. They are no less saved by Christ.

I found my greatest struggle that I’m currently going though now is learning who God truly is not and this false image of Him I have built up from years of the past due to my poor decisions/half-committed walk. When God drew me back, I tried to get through all of these lies, sins, false image of Him, everything out on my own. I would try to fully surrender to commit every single moment to Him on my own in one decision. That failed, and it lead to me getting mentally and physically exhausted trying to force myself to let everything go at once.

But I learned surrender is a day by day process. I can’t change my heart, and if I can’t change my heart then who can? Jesus. Feelings wise, I feel this sense of wanting to turn from Him and live for myself. But I don’t live by feelings. The closer I get to Him, rather than more joy and peace, the stronger my sin/sinful nature rises up against me and tried to pull from Him. And I tried changing that on my own, tried to produce feelings on my own. I would be fully committed through willpower then the next moment lose that’s commitment (not as in fall away into sin, but to trust to let go of everything). But it’s His Holy Spirit who changes us and sustains us. Our feelings and will are fickle.

There is supposed to be joy in surrender, but it felt like a burden. But Jesus says His tone is easy and His burden is light. I realized I had the wrong image of Him- of someone who says “surrender or all burn.” When in reality, He wants us to surrender because He is good, and it’s for our good we are completely in Him. And I pray “Give me eyes to see you and a heart to surrender in love and Joy.”

I had a lot of thoughts like “how do you even follow Jesus as King? What does it feel and mean to be under a king? How does it feel to let someone else own your life? How does it feel to have no control?” Etc etc. But I’ve learned and am learning to turn it over to Him, and let HIM process me. Because apart from Him I can do nothing. I had repented of all my sin and turned to following Him/not sinning, but I struggled having emotions and due to negative emotions struggled to surrender my life- my dreams, hopes, fears, everything.

And I was raised and around the “YOU MUST SURRENDER EVERYTHING 100% NOW FOR EVERY SINGLE MOMENT HEREON IN ONE DECISION OR YOU’RE NOT SAVED” mentality, and I couldn’t bring myself to do that- but rather ran myself into the ground.

Then I was blessed to learn HE empowers and leads our surrender, not our willpower. If it was up to my willpower, I’d fall away in 2 days to a couple weeks. I can do nothing apart from Him.

Sometimes I feel unworthy or lost due to me lacking those physical feelings- but my faith is not defined by lacking them. My faith is not defined by having negative emotions. It’s defined by Christ and Himself sacrificing Himself for me. All I can do is say “Lord I feel nothing positive, in fact I often get this feeling of turning from you. But I turn towards you. Lead me into full surrender and change my heart in your timing and way. If it’s you or the world/myself, I want you. Please fill and guide me with your Holy Spirit.”

And moments of peace/joy/love come every now and then briefly, not overwhelming, but a sense of rest in the Lord. The fruits of the Soirit are FRUITS. Fruits start as seeds and grow at different rates. I was comparing myself with those who had already sprouted or started with larger fruit, but the fruit is slowly increasing in my life. I’m glad my post helped you. This is all stuff I’ve been learning.

In summary, the thing I have learned and am striving to live by is:

Jesus is our Savior. Our Lord. Everything we need is in Him. Our emotions and experiences don’t define us, He does. Even if we have a corrupt image of Him, or struggling to fully surrender, or struggling heavily with sin, even if we feel completely emotionless or empty, He doesn’t say “Oh it’s you, leave me you worker of evil.” But He says “Come to me, take my yoke upon you and LEARN from me, and I will give you rest.” Learning about Him is extremely important, especially in my life and yours, as we have a distorted view of God (I have OCD too, so I get stuck in old thoughts habits/feeling loops). It’s important to note you don’t have to have a sudden mystical experience. Sometimes He change us slowly over time. Perhaps we are given the gift- though it doesn’t seem like it at times- to learn what it means to trust Him and truly seek Him.

Someone who sincerely wants Him and to follow Him will not he turned away. Even if the desire is weak, if it is sincere He will woo us, open our eyes and change us. He came to save the world, not condemn it.

One day we will be free from all of this, from OCD, sin, struggles, etc. and we will fully understand and fully know and fall down and just worship Him for who He is and what He has done.


Sorry for the essay, I tend to get carried away when I talk about serious things like faith haha.

Ivan57 said:

Jesus is our Savior. Our Lord. Everything we need is in Him. Our emotions and experiences don’t define us, He does. Even if we have a corrupt image of Him, or struggling to fully surrender, or struggling heavily with sin, even if we feel completely emotionless or empty, He doesn’t say “Oh it’s you, leave me you worker of evil.” But He says “Come to me, take my yoke upon you and LEARN from me, and I will give you rest.” Learning about Him is extremely important, especially in my life and yours, as we have a distorted view of God (I have OCD too, so I get stuck in old thoughts habits/feeling loops). It’s important to note you don’t have to have a sudden mystical experience. Sometimes He change us slowly over time. Perhaps we are given the gift- though it doesn’t seem like it at times- to learn what it means to trust Him and truly seek Him.

Click to expand...

Hi Ivan,
What you said above means so much and is very comforting to me. I do have a corrupt image of Him.

My OCD causes me to feel I must give up everything I enjoy for fear it has become an idol. In the past, my OCD revolved around magical thinking with regard to giving up things. For example, if I destroyed my collection of fashion magazines (as you can tell by my name, fashionista1, I enjoy fashion/style), I would instantly feel love for God. I did this on numerous occasions and, instead of feeling love, I felt the opposite -- angry toward Him for requiring this of me and actually thinking worse blasphemous thoughts. I still struggle with this feeling of having to purge myself of everything that defines me in order to get closer to Him.

I also have ADD which makes concentration difficult, especially when it comes to reading the Bible and praying. The only thing I am able to read with some degree of concentration is a fast paced novel. I do limit my novels to those of Christian writers -- mainly suspense and/or romance.

My therapist, who is a Christian, tells me not to give up things and just push through the anxiety (cognitive behavior therapy). He says that if it were truly God desiring me to do these things, I would have a sense of peace rather than a urgent feeling of compulsion and dread.

In closing, thank you again for taking the time to post. I do feel comfort in knowing that I'm not alone.

Blessings,
fashionkath

Ivan57 said:

You know, ever since I came back to God late last December/earlier this year, I have gone through a lot of fear and struggles.

My initial fear was fear of Hell. My mind couldn't wrap around eternity and how serious Hell is, and so whenever I thought about it I would be filled with fear and my mind would instantly go "no that's not a thing", but I would go "it's in the Bible." And since I couldn't get myself to focus on and accept that, I thought Christ would mean nothing to me because I can't fully understand the punishment of sin. So I was in turmoil day and night praying "God I deserve Hell (that's excessive isn't it? thoughts would come), no I DESERVE IT (But why can't I get myself to. He is just but my mind rejects His judgment) I DESERVE HELL." And it went back and forth and I had no rest. I was perhaps the most miserable believer in the world.

But, a close believing friend of mine told me to not worry or focus on that, but focus on Christ. Jesus wants to forgive! All we have to do is turn to Him and ask for forgiveness and for Him to lead us. He is not about condemnation, He is about saving.

Great, I thought! So I did. But then I started feeling in authentic. My problem is, I had a false image of God built up over the years, so when I prayed to surrender I couldn't bring myself to surrender everything because I didn't fully trust that He was all satisfying. So day in and day out I would accept Jesus 2-12 times a day. "Jesus I accept you as my Saviour and Lord", but I struggled to surrender to His Lordship. Not that I deny it, but to fully surrender myself to His will I couldn't bring myself to do. So I would try to force myself. I have probably tried to surrender a literal 50+ times this last week. And nothing changed. I was miserable, I felt physical pain saying "I surrender to your Lordship", I was exhausted, and apathy and sin were starting to creep in. I felt like there was no hope, I was lost cause I couldn't bring myself to fully surrender. "What if I am deluding myself and don't actually want to believe?" Thoughts kept creeping in my head, even thoughts and feelings "no I don't want salvation" but then I would fight and fight to want salvation and seek it and I felt lost and hopeless. "No true Christian struggles like this. I am self-deceived, I am lost and will perish." And I started praying and praying and praying out of fear "I SURRENDER to your lordship, I give you my will, I accept you as Savior - no not authentic enough, not serious enough, I SURRENDER I SURRENDER- why can't I." I don't even feel physical love for the Lord, I fear Him and my heart is wanting to deny Him and His will but I don't want that. But why is that desire growing maybe that's what I want. No I want to love Him. Do I really or am I just terrified of Hell. I can't even tell what I truly desire to do and want!

And then, all the little pieces of truth and knowledge I have learned started popping up like seeds sprouting.

"A bruised reed he will not break, and a smoldering wick he will not snuff out. In faithfulness he will bring forth justice;" - Isaiah 42:3

> Jesus will not crush me. He will not let my fears, my struggles, my doubts, my sin anything to destroy. He has all the right in the world to, but He doesn't. I'm still here. I have believing friends who are new in my life who are teaching me and blessing me. He cares for me.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28

> All I have to do is come; rest may not come immediately, but He promises rest.

- "But wait, do I really want to come?" I thought. "That means no going back. I am certain I truly want to believe and follow Him." I have never lived for anything. My whole life has been go with the flow and kind of like a haze- especially so in the last couple years. I was so afraid of what fully surrendering is like that I couldn't bring myself to do it, yet I tried to force it but it was out of fear and always half-hearted. I felt lost and hopeless. "I can't even get myself to 100% come."

> "All those the Father gives me will come to me, and whoever comes to me I will never drive away." - John 6:37

> Yeah but my heart is torn in two- I am double-minded, I can't come fully. I desparately want to WANT to, but I can't do it with a full heart

"Whoever comes to me I will never drive away"

> But my sinful heart

"WHOEVER comes to me I will NEVER drive away"

Click to expand...

I read this whole thing, and I believe your post literally just set me free from everything. Whatever we are struggling to try and change or do, right now STOP. Jesus said to come to him as you are. That includes your sin. Stop trying to change your sins by your own efforts, because if we keep doing that, Jesus work cannot flow in our lives because we are therefore effectively trying to change by our own self efforts. Thats essentially the works of the law. You sins are not more powerful than Gods grace towards us. Where sin abounds, grace abounds much more. God can and WILL use your shortcomings and even your sins to end up blessing others. There is literally nothing that can stand in the way of Gods grace and love towards us in Jesus Christ. Absolutely nothing. Come completely as you are, problems and all. I almost cant even begin to tell you what just happened to me. Its like I've completely given up struggling against my emotions and anxiety and it was just lifted, and my eyes were opened to a wider purpose. Its like everything just clicked and came together in your post. I feel like every single person on this board needs to read this. STOP STRUGGLING, and come. That is the answer completely. Faith is not trying to manifest something that doesn't exist. It substantiates what is already real.

I'm glad it helped. I never thought that it would help someone so much. It's funny, because I still haven't had that full "click" yet. But I know it doesn't define me, and that I trust Christ. Recently I have been struggling to desire to come to Him. Like "do I really want to? Do I really want to give this to Him? Do I really want to live for Him?" And I tried changing that, but I am learning to bring it to Him and it is freeing. The amazing thing is even if you struggle to come, even if you are dragging your feet, if you go to Him and sincerely- even with all struggles, desire to rebel, etc.- ask for help and for Him to save you and change you, He will. We can't overcome this through willpower. I've learned so much from other believers, and now it is starting to apply and truly play out in my life. I'm glad it helped you.

A verse I want to share that stood out today and helped me grasp this more is Romans 8:32 -

"He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all--how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?"

If someone asks to love Christ more, to grow in Him more, for a heart that sincerely accepts Him, God will absolutely answer that prayer. We can't do anything apart from Him- we can't even desire Him apart from Him! I used to make excuses in the past, thinking it's ok to be as I was. But now I am being lead and fighting for faith. It feels like a losing battle, and I always get thoughts and feelings like "maybe this is your real self, you just don't want to perish, you don't want to change." And I've realized there are things in my life- hobbies, events, etc. (that aren't sinful of themselves- that I've struggled to let go and let God have control of. And the answer isn't to beat myself up and force myself to change and hate those things, but seek God and pray that He will grow to be my true love above everything else. But then of course my desire is split in half and I try and want to 100% desire it, but I can't say with sincerity I want to let go of control of everything. And even then, I can bring it to Him and let Him change me. I don't change this. He changes me. I thought I would have to try and do drastic actions after to let Him change me, but it's just praying, and when being lead obeying Him. It's not stressing out and trying to force yourself to do something you don't want to do. I am slowly desiring more to let go and do His will (I struggle letting go of my plans/every little thing. I have repented of my sin, it's just hard to let go of everything in my life). And when I am called to do something but I find myself adamantly not wanting to do it, I go to God and pray that He would help me and show me the joy in doing it. And it's not done in a day, but a lifetime of walking with Him.

I think Lutheranism is the best cure for religiously induced depression and anxiety. It may not cure your depression but it will disentagle those feelings from your religious beliefs.