How should a young Christian man approach girls?

786man · Apr 27, 2018

I am approaching 20 years of age, as my birthday is in June. Like all young men, my flesh yearns for romantic female contact. However, in accordance with God, I am staying sexually pure until I am married.

The problem is this. I'd love to date a girl and get married but I'm absolutely 100% dead broke right now and have ZERO capability to sustain a wife & household right now. I'm in college hoping my education pays off into a fruitful life for myself.

I can't help my attraction to women, and I'd love to date one right now, but if I did, it wouldn't really go anywhere since it will be a number of years before I'm financially stable.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this: I can't have sex before marriage, I'm too broke to even afford marriage right now, but I'd like to have a romantic relationship. How can I handle this issue?

All4Christ · Apr 27, 2018

You can have a romantic relationship without sexual activity. Take some time to get to know someone who has the same core values that you have. Any marriage should be founded not only on attraction, but also love and friendship. Focus on your spiritual relationship, your friendship, and eventually love for each other.

That said, when you meet the right girl, you may be able to work out a way to get married even as you are getting more stable. That's a bit beyond where you are right now thought

Focus on the friendship and spiritual life first - and then work on the rest.

dreadnought · Apr 27, 2018

You are already thinking about having sex. Why?

akaDaScribe · Apr 27, 2018

Why not just try to find a Christian young woman with similar goals to yours? One thing about college. You are highly unlikely to meet so many people in your age group after you graduate. Depending on the size of the school you go to, college could be the best place to meet your future wife.

Not David · Apr 27, 2018

College student here, you don't need to search for a romantic partner with the purpose of marrying that person yet, if that were the case, most of the Christians would be married by now. However, you need to find someone that you will find adequate for a spiritual relationship with God which it's something not everyone finds with the first girlfriend/boyfriend.

ToBeLoved · Apr 27, 2018

Is this a lol?

danbuter · Apr 27, 2018

I was thinking about sex when I was 12. If you weren't...

akaDaScribe · Apr 27, 2018

I'm a bit bias because I met my wife in college and we've been together since 1989.

I'm sure people have different views about dating, but I never felt like investing in a relationship if I didn't see a future in it. Just a waste of time to me and then you have to get rid of the person you are with when another person comes along.

Job3315 · Apr 27, 2018

I read an article about dating a few months ago. They interviewed a marriage councelor and she gave a great advice.

She said that the biggest mistake people make when they get married is getting married to someone who is the opposite of them, who don’t share the same ideas, hobbies or at least similar views. She said people at first think its awesome that the partner is different, that they think they compliment each other, but in reality after a few years into the relationship, they find that those differences are what bring trouble and become the reason many marriages don’t last.

I have friends who have great marriages and what I’ve found in common is that all of them were friends before starting a relationship. Then they ended up having children as an expression of their love. They didn't have kids to fix their marriage, but because they love each other so much they wanted to pass along that love to their children (multiply). So I suggest you find what you like, define yourself, know yourself and then seek a group of friends with the same train of thought, hobbies or at least similar view of the world.

In the Bible there’s a verse that says: If two are together is because they agree, and another verse says about how a divided house doesn’t stand together. That last one Jesus said it refering to the enemy, but I keep in mind that if I marry someone who doesn't love God we will have problems and the house will be divided because in a Christian relationship faith in Christ should the first thing a couple have in common.

Andrew77 · Apr 28, 2018

Yeah, not until I was in my mid 20s, to be honest. And still not, even to this day.
But I'm odd. Don't make to much of my example.

Andrew77 · Apr 28, 2018

As a public service..... I'm going to give relationship advice, as listed by the Westminster Seminary California. 15 ways to find a wife.

16 Ways to Find a Wife According to the Bible

1) Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. (Deut. 21:11-13)

2) “Lay hold on” a virgin who is not betrothed to another man, and "know" her, but afterwards pay her father a sum of money. Then she’s yours. (Deut. 22:28-29)

3) Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3)

4) Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.--Moses (Ex. 2:16-21)

5) Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal.--Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

6) Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife.--Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

7) Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib.--Adam (Gen. 2:19-24)

8) Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That’s right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife.--Jacob (Gen. 29:15-30)

9) Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife.--David (1 Sam. 18:27)

10) Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone.--Cain (Gen. 4:16-17)

11) Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest.--Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

12) When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.”--Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

13) Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though.)--David (2 Sam. 11)

14) Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It’s not just a good idea, it’s the law!)--Onan and Boaz (Deut. or Lev., example in Ruth)

15) Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity.--Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

Hopefully this is helpful.

(by the way, I'm taking application for any woman wishing to be my wife. Please note which method you wish me to use)

dreadnought · Apr 28, 2018

No.

dreadnought · Apr 28, 2018

Maybe you should think about something else.

Gabriel Biggers · Dec 10, 2018

Chances are if you are dead broke in college . . . she will be also. No worries, you guys can be two peas in a pod. In fact, my ex and I were like this through most of our college years. You don't have to do anything extravagant whatsover, there's things to do on campus.

Next time before you step in class, or even on campus do this:

1) dress as if you were going out on a date

2) dress like this and be sure to be aware of your surroundings. See which women are looking at you and checking you out. (It'll be really quick, like she'll look you, then look away, then looks at you again . . . yeah real cat and mouse like)

3) After you pickup on her eye contact . . . step on over and approach.

4) Best line you can use is "Hello" an even better way is to simply use the environment. Ask a question about the environment or a situation that is happening around you.

Let's say Big Sean the rapper was performing at your campus (like mine many years ago): I would go up to the woman and say "Can't believe Big Sean is performing here today, what's your favorite song of his?"

Naturally she'll say either A) I don't know/ listen to Big Sean
B) Oh it's (insert song here)

Whatever it is . . . just have an open ended conversation that starts off with that subject but bleeds into other subjects. Perhaps transition from talking about Big Sean to talking about the FORD method:

Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams

Then after a few minutes . . . say: "Well, it was really nice talking to you Soledad, I have to get on to class but put your number in my phone and we'll do coffee sometime." Say this while handing her your phone . . . naturally she will grab it and put her phone number in

A few days later set up the coffee date and boom! You my friend just got a date that costs nothing more $5.

- Follow my group on Facebook "Resurrect Your Dating" where I help other Christian men cultivate a meaningful relationship with a Christian woman.

G.B.

RDKirk · Dec 10, 2018

Why would you pursue a "romantic" relationship if you've already decided you're not going to get married? Anybody's definition of "romantic" is only going to inflame your desire for sexual intercourse.

Why would you expect a Christian woman to accept a "romantic" relationship that is up front intended to have no chance of resulting in marriage?

Why not just be one of a group of Christian friends that happens to include some women until you are ready for marriage, then pursue a Christian woman of the same intent?

aiki · Dec 11, 2018

Well, you are describing marriage in a rather one-dimensional way here. Marriage is a good deal more than sex. And the best sex isn't selfish sex. You sound like you have yet to figure this out. May I suggest until you do, you might want to wait to get married?

I agree that marriage should be on hold 'til you're more financially solvent - if possible. You show little love for your would-be spouse by saddling her with a guy who's broke.

It's perfectly all right to be attracted to women. This is just as God intended. God, though, expects you to place yourself under His authority, under His power, and let Him corral your sex drive. Within God's boundaries for it, sex is a fantastic thing, but if you let this particular "dog" out of the house, it will run off and create all sorts of damage in your life and in the lives of others, too.

2 Timothy 2:22
22 Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart.

Romans 13:13-14
13 Let us walk properly, as in the day, not in revelry and drunkenness, not in lewdness and lust, not in strife and envy.
14 But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, to fulfill its lusts.

Should you embark on a romantic relationship when it can't yet "go anywhere"? Well, why would you? Sounds like you'd be provoking your flesh very strongly if you did. And what about the young lady who would have her own desires to restrain? Should you make her stew and steam several years before tying the knot? That doesn't sound like a very loving thing to do.

Jon Osterman · Dec 11, 2018

You Christian men should not be "approaching" girls. By that, I mean they should not be introducing themselves to girls with the intent of finding a partner (of any type). They may of course interact with girls in the normal course of life and possibly form friendships that may eventually lead to something more. But they should not be "approaching" girls in the way the OP implies.

ToBeLoved · Dec 11, 2018

Post #10 kind of ruled out me submitting my application

ToBeLoved · Dec 11, 2018

My recommendation is to increase your social circle in general.

Having female friends I believe is the best strategy for several reasons:

1. It takes the pressure off by not dating or women only seeing you as a potential date.

2. Often a friend of a friend is better suited to a person and as a friend and hanging out in groups this naturally allows you to meet more people.

3. Sexual things are not forefront in friend situations that allows you to get to know the person and not deal with all the trappings that can come when dating

SleepingAtLast · Dec 11, 2018

So basically what I am about to say is what I would have told 20-year old me if I could try to go back and save myself some trouble. It's actually kind of fun to get to do this.

So the first thing I would say is that of course it is normal to have that sexual desire. It is something that was wired into us by God. I know you have probably heard this a million times--I grew up in a Christian household and felt like I heard it a million times--but it is 5000% true: If you wander down the path of sexual stuff with another person before marriage, you will 100% regret it, and it will make having healthy relationships significantly more difficult. So with that said, take intentional steps now to fight struggles with inappropriate contentography, temptations to be sexual with women, etc. Have an accountability partner, talk about lust often, put a blocker on all of your devices, and do whatever you need to do to stay away from that stuff because it is toxic and it can and will destroy you and your relationships. I know this sounds extreme, but I promise you that it is true.
If you have a sister or other women in your life that you care about, consider how you want them to be treated. I have times where I am tempted toward lust, but recently I was with my sister out in publice and was pretty sure I noticed a guy (a cashier of all people) staring right at her butt, and my knee-jerk reaction was to get his attention right away since I was trying to buy something. I remember being kind of annoyed and bothered by that, and it was a good reminder that if I allow myself to engage in lust, I'm no different than that weirdo cashier.

Secondly, have a solid support base. Have at least one or two guys, if not more, that you do life with and that you can talk about deep stuff with. If you have a good relationship with your family, or any of your family members at all, maintain those relationships. A strong support base is so important to a relationship. Have people in your life that you trust that will call you out on your crap, and trust them enough to not put them off when they do.

From there, just meet new people and experience new things. If you find a girl that you like hanging out with, and she likes hanging out with you, then ask her if she wants to do that some more. Be clear about your intentions but don't be weird about it either. And in both times of singleness and times of relationship, always press into your relationship with God. It's easy to wander away from that when things seem to be going well, so be intentional about not letting that happen.

Lastly, above everything else, you are going to have times of struggle and failure, and you are going to have times when things are going well in your relationships with God and with people. Just remember that God's love and affection for you is not dependent on how well you are doing at obeying Him. Jesus has already died for you, and if you have put your faith in Him and His work on the cross for you, you can know that God loves and accepts you and pursues relationship with you even in the moments when you are rebelling against Him. It is easy to believe the lie that God likes or loves you less when you are disobeying Him, and it's 100% untrue. So always press into Him, even when you are in times of deepest struggle.

Best of luck to you

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