Post your favorite funny jokes [keep 'em clean now]

LittleLambofJesus

Hebrews 2:14.... Pesky Devil, git!
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I would have say this is one of my great favorites.
[Please, clean jokes only, as there are kids watching] :angel:


Blind clerk and rod and reel

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A sales clerk is standing there wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb Test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card" he says.

She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts.
At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who farted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 + tax please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?!!"

He replies, "Yes Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call Is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."


...................
 
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HereIStand

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What is the greatest nation on earth? The donation.
Why did Marion Barry go to Philadelphia? To get the crack out of the Liberty Bell.
(Both jokes told to me some years back by a homeless man in D.C.)
 
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LittleLambofJesus

Hebrews 2:14.... Pesky Devil, git!
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Bear and circumcision!

A RC Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided to do a seven-day experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience.


Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first.
"Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism.
Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb.
The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."


Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip.
In his best fire and brimstone oratory he proclaimed, "Well, brothers, you know that we don't sprinkle...we dunk! I went out and I found me a bear.
And then I began to read to him from God's holy word! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestle down one hill, up another and down another until we came to a crick. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb.
We spent the rest of the week in fellowship, feasting on God's holy word, and praising Jesus."


Then they both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed.
He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape.


The rabbi looks up and says, "Oi! you Gentiles don't what trouble is until you try to circumcise one of those hairy buggers"

NKJV) Hosea 13:8 I will meet them like a bear deprived of her cubs. I will tear open their rib cage,
And there I will devour them like a lion. The wild beast shall rend them.


..........
images
 
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LittleLambofJesus

Hebrews 2:14.... Pesky Devil, git!
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A different version of the Last Supper

In the Upper Room, Jesus was lifting the bread into the air when one of His Disciples burst in thru the door.
"I'm sorry I'm late, the Disciple apologized, but thanks be to God I made it in time!."

Then after Jesus brake the bread, he received, along with the others, pieces of the bread and they gave thanks.
"Praise be to God for this wondrous bread, the late Disciple said, which symbolizes Jesus Christ!"

"...Symbolizes?!? said He, I think you're in the wrong room. You want the room next door where the Protestants are."
 
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LittleLambofJesus

Hebrews 2:14.... Pesky Devil, git!
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A man, down on his luck, went into a church which catered to the "uppity".
Spotting the man's dirty clothes, a deacon, worried about the churches image, went to the man and asked him if he needed help.
The man said, "I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church."
The deacon suggested that the man go pray some more and possibly he might get a different answer. The next Sunday the man returned.
The deacon asked, "Did you get a different answer?"
The man replied, "Yes I did. I told the Lord that they don't want me in that church" And the Lord said, 'Don't worry about it son; I've been trying to get into that church for years and haven't made it yet."
 
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LittleLambofJesus

Hebrews 2:14.... Pesky Devil, git!
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A blind man went to the local Catholic church to see if they might bury his seeing eye dog which had just died.
"Of course not!", the resident priest snapped rudely. "But why don't you go ask the Episcopalians, I hear they do such things", he snidely added.
"They do?" replied the blind man. "I was going to donate $5,000, do you think that's enough?"
To which the priest replied: "Why didn't you tell me your dog was Catholic?"

462b5ffb0c81f2a0f4b3ee31d034083b.jpg
 
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HereIStand

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A visiting pastor noticed a marble box near the front of the church. Without knowing the use of the box, he put one dollar into it. As he left the church, he asked what the box was for. "Oh, we usually pay the visiting preacher out of that box." To which the visiting pastor's son replied, "Dad, I guess you get out of it what you put into it."
 
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LittleLambofJesus

Hebrews 2:14.... Pesky Devil, git!
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A drunk stumbles along a Baptismal service on a Sunday afternoon
down by the river. He proceeds to stumble down into the water and
stands next to the Minister.

The Minister turns, notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are
you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes sir, I am!"
The Minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him
right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the Minister asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The Minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings
him up and says, "Now brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Nope!" said the drunk again.
Disgusted, the Minister holds the man under for at least 30
seconds this time, brings him up and demands, "For the grace of
God, have you found Jesus yet?!!!??"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and slurring asks, "Are you sure this is
where he fell in?"
 
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LittleLambofJesus

Hebrews 2:14.... Pesky Devil, git!
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A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not that stupid! We're going to land on it at night"


anigif_enhanced-3291-1409240062-7.gif
 
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anna ~ grace

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So, one of the funniest cartoons I ever saw was related to a newsletter on OSHA compliance.

It depicted two beavers standing inside of a dam. Both looked pretty miffed. One beaver wore a tie, had glasses, and was holding a clipboard. He says to the other beaver "Ok, first thing I see is, you got sticks all over the place".

That one always cracks me up. Like , "yeah....".
 
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JackRT

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A blonde walks into the post office and says “I want 50 stamps for my Christmas cards.” The clerk asks “What denomination, ma'am?” She says “Oh my God, has it really come down to this? OK, give me 8 catholic, 6 anglican, 10 presbyterian, 12 methodist and 14 baptist.”
 
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JackRT

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A man decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about American churches. So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to New York City, thinking that he would work his way across the country. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$10,000 per call". The man, being intrigued, asked a minister who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The minister replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The man thanked the minister and went along his way. He then traveled to Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston, and Chicago. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it. In North Dakota he saw a sign for Canada and decided to see if Canadians had the same phone. He arrived in Regina Saskatchewan and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10 cents per call." The man was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Canada now son, it's a local call".
 
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