Sex in Marriage

By the way, razzelflabben usually takes the atomic bomb approach to such conversations, but she is correct. It won't change without some very honest conversations. She has gone through it and could give you specifics on how to approach talking about it in a way that might make him interested in changing.

christine40 said:

I could have written this ^ re frequency
so I am consciously not trying to say anything about that as it comes across as complaining

this past yr has been a little better but I am doing things like mowing the lawn so he doesn't have to when coming home from work (to save his energy for me) and sometimes cooking more elaborate meals from scratch etc

and kissing more but our kid says "eww" if sees us kiss

Click to expand...

It is a hard line to walk because it is something frequently on your mind, and not on theirs. Scheduling can help as you mentioned. And even that can be a problem if you schedule and they blow it off or see it as a burden, etc.

tall73 said:

By the way, razzelflabben usually takes the atomic bomb approach to such conversations, but she is correct. It won't change without some very honest conversations. She has gone through it and could give you specifics on how to approach talking about it in a way that might make him interested in changing.

Click to expand...

lol atomic bomb approach?!

tall73 said:

It is a hard line to walk because it is something frequently on your mind, and not on theirs..

Click to expand...

that is true as men often get stressed at work and it takes a lot of energy to deal with all the crisis
and "sometimes" women aren't dealing with the same type of things but we get stressed too

what do you think lily pad?

razzelflabben said:

lol atomic bomb approach?!

Click to expand...

Do you prefer take no prisoner approach? Lol

christine40 said:

that is true as men often get stressed at work and it takes a lot of energy to deal with all the crisis
and "sometimes" women aren't dealing with the same type of things but we get stressed to

what do you think OP

Click to expand...

According to some folks this happens about equally for men or women where one partner has a higher drive than the other. But yes, we all bring unique job situations, life situations. And sometimes it just goes through cycles where it is good for a while, then things get busy.

When both partners commit to the idea in general then it is just a reminder to get back on track. However, when they are looking for different things, or just to get away from each other in general, then it is more complicated.

inappropriate content is way faster and easier than the act. Sounds like he's just lazy and selfish.

If it's an issue now and it's not sincerely worked on, it's just going to be worse. You have to decide how important it is to you because the pain will persist.

You can't expect the other person to change at all, no matter how much time is given. My wife and I had similar issues and now I've been sleeping on the couch for more than 2 years straight because she rejected me so often. She used to 'want it' once a month or more but that wasn't enough for me so I just started rejecting her back. Things just spiral downward from there---we're just roommates that never talk to each other at this point lol.

GUANO said:

inappropriate content is way faster and easier than the act. Sounds like he's just lazy and selfish.

If it's an issue now and it's not sincerely worked on, it's just going to be worse. You have to decide how important it is to you because the pain will persist.

You can't expect the other person to change at all, no matter how much time is given. My wife and I had similar issues and now I've been sleeping on the couch for more than 2 years straight because she rejected me so often. She used to 'want it' once a month or more but that wasn't enough for me so I just started rejecting her back. Things just spiral downward from there---we're just roommates that never talk to each other at this point lol.

Click to expand...

I am sorry to hear. Did you try counseling? Sounds like you need a restart.

tall73 said:

I am sorry to hear. Did you try counseling? Sounds like you need a restart.

Click to expand...

Yes. But when the other party simply doesn't listen or care then it's pointless.

She wanted me to go with her, hoping to get me pinned and cornered as the 'bad guy' who needed to bend and conform to the will of my wife and her pastors but that wasn't what happened at all when we went so she didn't really do her part. She's bipolar and after our second child she developed some severe psychosis so her mental/emotional situation is, in my opinion, the main culprit. My little situation is probably more severe than most lol.

Basically she just wants me to pay all the bills, sleep on the couch, pose for photoshoots, and have no authority in the lives of my children or influence on the direction that the family moves. Good times. Anyways, this thread isn't about me =P

GUANO said:

Yes. But when the other party simply doesn't listen or care then it's pointless.

She wanted me to go with her, hoping to get me pinned and cornered as the 'bad guy' who needed to bend and conform to the will of my wife and her pastors but that wasn't what happened at all when we went so she didn't really do her part. She's bipolar and after our second child she developed some severe psychosis so her mental/emotional situation is, in my opinion, the main culprit. My little situation is probably more severe than most lol.

Basically she just wants me to pay all the bills, sleep on the couch, pose for photoshoots, and have no authority in the lives of my children or influence on the direction that the family moves. Good times. Anyways, this thread isn't about me =P

Click to expand...

Yeah that does add a whole bunch of wrinkles to the situation. Still, these conversations have a way of developing. And sometimes folks who have one situation can also glean info from people discussing the broader topic in general.

If nothing else, as you said, you don't want to let things get worse without trying to fix it.

Lily_pad_96 said:

My issue with this is he is not religious but i appreciate your input

Click to expand...

So? Maybe it's time to kick the ungodly habits out of your marriage and have him focus on the Bible with you.

*LILAC said:

So? Maybe it's time to kick the ungodly habits out of your marriage and have him focus on the Bible with you.

Click to expand...

Sounds a great idea...

Lily_pad_96 said:

I dont know what to do anymore about the lack of sex in my marriage. I have voiced my concern."

Click to expand...

I TOALLY get you, and that's where I am in my marriage just that it's my wife who is not wanting it and I am made to feel like it's all I think about... I mean seriously once every 5-6 months makes me feel unloved, unwanted, rejected, despised, ect

I look back on 45 years of marriage and one thing is clear, our relationship was always at its best when God was in the center of it, when He wasn't just part of the equation, but when He was THE equation.

Selfishness is the destroyer of relationships. So I can also look back and see that when things weren't so good, to the point that it got my attention, one or both of us had been acting selfishly.

Some favorite verses. Deuteronomy 4:29: "But if from thence thou shalt seek the Lord thy God, thou shalt find him, if thou seek him with all thy heart and with all thy soul."

Isaiah 26:3: "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee."

John 15:5: "...without Me ye can do nothing."

When we put all these together and practiced them, life was at it's best. If we want to win we'll have to do it God's way. In all of this looking back I've noticed that when we had devotions and prayer time together daily, our thinking was better, leading to better decisions, better actions, and better outcomes. When we lapsed in our devotions, selfishness got stronger.

Devotions and the better heart attitude that God's influence produces is a lot more effective than worrying, being depressed, nagging, complaining, and preaching, every time, I can tell you that. God Bless you both.

tall73 said:

Most likely if he could stop the inappropriate content usage he would put his sexual energy into sex with you.

Click to expand...

Agreed. Obviously his sex drive would appear to be fine if he routinely turns to inappropriate content. If intimacy, as you say, is an issue with him I see why he turns to that outlet.

However...

His intimacy issues shouldn't stand in the way of caring about what **you feel and want from your husband. I would recommend counseling. Would he be open to that, for you?

Lily_pad_96 said:

Yes he watches inappropriate content.

Click to expand...

What you're going through is a text book side effect of viewing inappropriate content on a regular basis as a way to hide from real relationships. As it's already been said, you can't change him.....but you CAN define your own boundaries as to what you're willing to live with or not.

This page has a lot of helpful information (IMO):An Overview Of The Issue - Fight the New Drug
And so does this one: Get To Know Our Staff

Lily_pad_96 said:

I dont know what to do anymore about the lack of sex in my marriage. I have voiced my concearn and need but when I ask or try to seduce him its always no or maybe tonorrow...when my husband asks me when i was not in the mood i would still put out, and always was happy to. I feel hurt that i am not treated the same. What should i do? I am religious and trying to tell him this is not right. "The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent..."

Click to expand...

I will pray the Lord guide you in how to respond to your husband. Praying for you my sister.

mkgal1 said:

What you're going through is a text book side effect of viewing inappropriate content on a regular basis as a way to hide from real relationships. As it's already been said, you can't change him.....but you CAN define your own boundaries as to what you're willing to live with or not.

This page has a lot of helpful information (IMO):An Overview Of The Issue - Fight the New Drug
And so does this one: Get To Know Our Staff

Click to expand...

so much of this rings true with my husbands battle over inappropriate content and the healing we found for our marriage by working towards mutual righteousness together.