My faith journey is complicated and ongoing. I was raised nominally Christian, then had a non-denominational experience about ten years ago that led me to become a more serious follower of Christ. Several months after that experience, I was led, I believe, by the Holy Spirit to the Catholic Church, where I’ve remained for almost eight years now.
I’ve learned so much about God and Jesus and Christianity as a Catholic. I really do believe Jesus is present in the Eucharist and that there is just…something in a Catholic church that you can even feel when you walk in. I also believe that presence is not limited to Catholic churches…just perhaps it is most readily identifiable there. You can sense it. Even if you are not Catholic, find a Catholic church and go to something called Adoration…and you’ll see.
As a Catholic, just going to Mass and receiving the Eucharist (aka communion in a lot of denominations) is connecting and growing in Christ, even when it doesn’t feel like it. But, outside of that, I don’t think my life is progressing very much as a Catholic.
For one…I’m a single African American woman in her mid-30s. I do not think I am called to lifelong singlehood and celibacy, but the Church is very specific when it comes to intimacy and relationships. I realize, however, that for social and economic reasons, I may never marry…but I am not sure that I am ready to give up on intimacy altogether for the rest of my life. I believe that this is a specific calling that few people actually receive, but many more of us are stuck in celibate lives “by circumstance”. I also believe there can be a such thing as a loving and life-giving relationship outside of traditional marriage. I think a lot of the time, our culture throws out the baby with the bathwater when it comes to sex and intimacy.
Which brings me to another point…LGBTQ relationships and rights. I have always believed that people should be free to love and/or be intimate with who they want. I have never really accepted the teachings of the Church and of some other Christian denominations that such love is intrinsically “disordered”…rather, I believe that there is a way that any relationship, including a heterosexual one, can be disordered (e.g.- objectification, using someone exclusively for their money or connections, manipulation and “pick up artists”, etc.). Deep in my heart, I believe any union between two and yes even more than two humans can radiate love of God and love of one’s neighbor…and that there does not need to be literal procreation as in babies for this to be true. As an older woman who may not have kids and can conceive of many ways to “procreate” and “give life” that have nothing to do with putting more humans on the earth, I find it very difficult to accept the Catholic teaching on the matter.
I think, deep down, I know (and have always known) that I’m not a true Catholic. I do still believe that I was brought into the Church by the Holy Spirit to learn…but perhaps not to stay in it for life. There are some pretty big teachings of the Church that I disagree with, and am not sure if I can pretend much longer. Catholics would say “well, that is the wisdom of a century’s old institution and I trust that it knows better than a decades old me.” Which brings me to my next point…
I mentioned earlier that I am African American. I am sure that even those of you who are not Catholic are well-aware that there are very, very few of us in the Catholic Church. Every Sunday, I feel like I’m in an environment that is just so…not me. It doesn’t speak to who I am, it doesn’t meet me as I am…it doesn’t even see me at all. As a Catholic, the only choice I have is to be an invisible loner on the end of a pew surrounded by white families, or Latino families, or Caribbean or African families (who I may share a racial background with but it’s still not the same). The Catholic Church may be Home but it will never be home, if that makes sense. As I’ve gotten older, and DNA testing has allowed us to learn more about where we come from, I want to be more open to exploring everything that I am. I want to learn about West African spirituality (Catholicism strictly forbids this), maybe even study Judaism and Islam as I’ve discovered that parts of my ancestral story touch those faiths as well. I want to be more open to all the ways that people connect with something bigger in this beautiful, diverse world of ours rather than spend the rest of my life sitting in a lily white tower calling everything that isn’t “me” “disordered” or “superstition”…
I know leaving would be difficult, because I went and joined a religion that teaches that it possesses the fullness of Truth, and anywhere else I go will only contain a partial truth. But what if I miss out on living and connecting more with others because I spent my life insisting that I was living Truth when I really just sat on a pew by myself for decades alone and died? That’s the only way I can see my life going if I stay a strict Catholic. And, when I think of it in terms of what Jesus would do, the answer is quite clear…
I’ve written these kinds of questions on Catholic boards before, and I just get shut down immediately with the “fullness of Truth” argument by people with spouses and huge Catholic families and full lives in the faith where their culture is strongly represented. They dismiss not wanting to be without intimacy for the rest of my life even when I am not called to a celibate life as a matter of ego. The only thing that gives me a glimmer of hope in the fear that my life is going to fall apart the minute I miss Mass is that I know someone else who went against the teachings of the faith that He first learned...
I’ve never been able to have a real conversation about this (I don’t even know who I’d talk to about it…anyone in the Church would say “don’t leave” and anyone outside of it who’s never been in it would say “well just leave then”)…so I’m putting this all out there and hoping that maybe someone reading can relate or has some thoughts…if so, please feel free to share with all of us. Thank you. God bless you all for reading this.
I’ve learned so much about God and Jesus and Christianity as a Catholic. I really do believe Jesus is present in the Eucharist and that there is just…something in a Catholic church that you can even feel when you walk in. I also believe that presence is not limited to Catholic churches…just perhaps it is most readily identifiable there. You can sense it. Even if you are not Catholic, find a Catholic church and go to something called Adoration…and you’ll see.
As a Catholic, just going to Mass and receiving the Eucharist (aka communion in a lot of denominations) is connecting and growing in Christ, even when it doesn’t feel like it. But, outside of that, I don’t think my life is progressing very much as a Catholic.
For one…I’m a single African American woman in her mid-30s. I do not think I am called to lifelong singlehood and celibacy, but the Church is very specific when it comes to intimacy and relationships. I realize, however, that for social and economic reasons, I may never marry…but I am not sure that I am ready to give up on intimacy altogether for the rest of my life. I believe that this is a specific calling that few people actually receive, but many more of us are stuck in celibate lives “by circumstance”. I also believe there can be a such thing as a loving and life-giving relationship outside of traditional marriage. I think a lot of the time, our culture throws out the baby with the bathwater when it comes to sex and intimacy.
Which brings me to another point…LGBTQ relationships and rights. I have always believed that people should be free to love and/or be intimate with who they want. I have never really accepted the teachings of the Church and of some other Christian denominations that such love is intrinsically “disordered”…rather, I believe that there is a way that any relationship, including a heterosexual one, can be disordered (e.g.- objectification, using someone exclusively for their money or connections, manipulation and “pick up artists”, etc.). Deep in my heart, I believe any union between two and yes even more than two humans can radiate love of God and love of one’s neighbor…and that there does not need to be literal procreation as in babies for this to be true. As an older woman who may not have kids and can conceive of many ways to “procreate” and “give life” that have nothing to do with putting more humans on the earth, I find it very difficult to accept the Catholic teaching on the matter.
I think, deep down, I know (and have always known) that I’m not a true Catholic. I do still believe that I was brought into the Church by the Holy Spirit to learn…but perhaps not to stay in it for life. There are some pretty big teachings of the Church that I disagree with, and am not sure if I can pretend much longer. Catholics would say “well, that is the wisdom of a century’s old institution and I trust that it knows better than a decades old me.” Which brings me to my next point…
I mentioned earlier that I am African American. I am sure that even those of you who are not Catholic are well-aware that there are very, very few of us in the Catholic Church. Every Sunday, I feel like I’m in an environment that is just so…not me. It doesn’t speak to who I am, it doesn’t meet me as I am…it doesn’t even see me at all. As a Catholic, the only choice I have is to be an invisible loner on the end of a pew surrounded by white families, or Latino families, or Caribbean or African families (who I may share a racial background with but it’s still not the same). The Catholic Church may be Home but it will never be home, if that makes sense. As I’ve gotten older, and DNA testing has allowed us to learn more about where we come from, I want to be more open to exploring everything that I am. I want to learn about West African spirituality (Catholicism strictly forbids this), maybe even study Judaism and Islam as I’ve discovered that parts of my ancestral story touch those faiths as well. I want to be more open to all the ways that people connect with something bigger in this beautiful, diverse world of ours rather than spend the rest of my life sitting in a lily white tower calling everything that isn’t “me” “disordered” or “superstition”…
I know leaving would be difficult, because I went and joined a religion that teaches that it possesses the fullness of Truth, and anywhere else I go will only contain a partial truth. But what if I miss out on living and connecting more with others because I spent my life insisting that I was living Truth when I really just sat on a pew by myself for decades alone and died? That’s the only way I can see my life going if I stay a strict Catholic. And, when I think of it in terms of what Jesus would do, the answer is quite clear…
I’ve written these kinds of questions on Catholic boards before, and I just get shut down immediately with the “fullness of Truth” argument by people with spouses and huge Catholic families and full lives in the faith where their culture is strongly represented. They dismiss not wanting to be without intimacy for the rest of my life even when I am not called to a celibate life as a matter of ego. The only thing that gives me a glimmer of hope in the fear that my life is going to fall apart the minute I miss Mass is that I know someone else who went against the teachings of the faith that He first learned...
I’ve never been able to have a real conversation about this (I don’t even know who I’d talk to about it…anyone in the Church would say “don’t leave” and anyone outside of it who’s never been in it would say “well just leave then”)…so I’m putting this all out there and hoping that maybe someone reading can relate or has some thoughts…if so, please feel free to share with all of us. Thank you. God bless you all for reading this.
