I feel so lost right now. It's tempting to blame my wife who asked me to leave 8 months ago, but even if she has her own faults, the return to inappropriate content is all mine. I had been free for ten years, through two marriages, and even though I struggled nine years ago when my second wife died suddenly, I stayed true to her and then to my third wife through all our ups an downs. But now...
Now the depression and anxiety are overwhelming. I cannot concentrate on God's Word, cannot stay focused in prayer, find myself overcome with waves of emotion at Sunday worship. I am broke and getting more broke by the week. The depression has made me a hermit, and I call out from work with "headaches" and "backaches" far too often. I am so far off kilter that my friends wonder what's going on. They know about my depression, but I can't seem to bring myself to confess that I went back to inappropriate content.
When I first was set free from inappropriate content in 2006, one of the benchmarks of "sobriety" that I hoped to reach was forgetting the addresses of the sites I used to visit. Glory be to God that I did forget many of them...but now I've found some old ones and some new ones. For the past few months, I have gone through cycles of indulgence and downloading, and then suddenly I delete everything and wallow in the guilt for a few days. But still I didn't seek help.
The separation is somehow worse than losing my previous wife. My current wife is still around, still has the house and her kids and my dog. I am always civil to her, and most of the time she is civil to me, but there is a tension there. She is afraid that I will react to our separation like her ex, who was abusive. But I never was abusive, nor have I any desire to be, and my wife... Well, I won't go to the blame game. We're apart, and that's enough.
I once posted on these forums a decade ago under another name, and back then I pointed out that we seek our addictions--whatever they may be--to fill a hole in our lives. Yes, often to numb ourselves against depression or anxiety or fear, and specifically with inappropriate content, it is often to simulate feeling loved. Ah, there's the rub! Even before we separated, I didn't feel loved, appreciated, desired. Add depression and a desire for affection, and there's the recipe for my return to addiction.
I am coming here for encouragement. I am coming here to count days and weeks of sobriety. I am coming here for prayer. I am coming here because my best friend has tossed me out of the house because of her own problems. I am coming here for hope.
Now the depression and anxiety are overwhelming. I cannot concentrate on God's Word, cannot stay focused in prayer, find myself overcome with waves of emotion at Sunday worship. I am broke and getting more broke by the week. The depression has made me a hermit, and I call out from work with "headaches" and "backaches" far too often. I am so far off kilter that my friends wonder what's going on. They know about my depression, but I can't seem to bring myself to confess that I went back to inappropriate content.
When I first was set free from inappropriate content in 2006, one of the benchmarks of "sobriety" that I hoped to reach was forgetting the addresses of the sites I used to visit. Glory be to God that I did forget many of them...but now I've found some old ones and some new ones. For the past few months, I have gone through cycles of indulgence and downloading, and then suddenly I delete everything and wallow in the guilt for a few days. But still I didn't seek help.
The separation is somehow worse than losing my previous wife. My current wife is still around, still has the house and her kids and my dog. I am always civil to her, and most of the time she is civil to me, but there is a tension there. She is afraid that I will react to our separation like her ex, who was abusive. But I never was abusive, nor have I any desire to be, and my wife... Well, I won't go to the blame game. We're apart, and that's enough.
I once posted on these forums a decade ago under another name, and back then I pointed out that we seek our addictions--whatever they may be--to fill a hole in our lives. Yes, often to numb ourselves against depression or anxiety or fear, and specifically with inappropriate content, it is often to simulate feeling loved. Ah, there's the rub! Even before we separated, I didn't feel loved, appreciated, desired. Add depression and a desire for affection, and there's the recipe for my return to addiction.
I am coming here for encouragement. I am coming here to count days and weeks of sobriety. I am coming here for prayer. I am coming here because my best friend has tossed me out of the house because of her own problems. I am coming here for hope.
