Who should make the first move?

dms1972 · Dec 8, 2017

I know its probably not wise to make a hard and fast rule about this, however I have been looking for a local church or even a fellowship group for a number of years (I live in N Ireland) , and i am somewhat reserved by disposition. I refuse labels like introvert, extrovert. All the same with Gods help I often make a move, be it to people beside, or in front when I sit down to say hello, or comment on the weather at least. I don't find the same from many who seem to be regular attenders at some of these churches I go toward me, and to be honest I don't see why it has to be me making the first move. I am a fairly private person, don't share much personal stuff except with people I know well. I just don't seem to be good at small talk. I go through periods of depression and unbelief. The last church the minister has shown himself friendly, in that he goes round the pews and greets people before the service. Other churches I went to I joined up to house groups but those really were at times an almost intolerable stress. As I find some people almost impossible to approach, I suppose its not inconceivable that some find me the same? I don't see why attendance at every service , or house meeting is necessary, and I detest being pressed to join one on my first few times to a church. Anyway my life is a mess, and I little want to share the details with people in churches I don't know that well, or who won't understand. Seems like a double bind.

HereIStand · Dec 8, 2017

I normally attend church alone (even though I'm married) and struggle with the social side of things. Some people are friendly, others are okay. Try to say and hello and be polite. It might be awkward, but try to let that go. Focus on the sermon and growing as a Christian. The social side of church isn't primary.

Albion · Dec 8, 2017

dms1972 said:
I know its probably not wise to make a hard and fast rule about this, however I have been looking for a local church or even a fellowship group for a number of years (I live in N Ireland) , and i am somewhat reserved by disposition...I don't see why attendance at every service , or house meeting is necessary, and I detest being pressed to join one on my first few times to a church.

I think I can identify with what you are feeling and FWIW, here's what I think you should try--

Force yourself not to feel deficient if you don't attend every service and don't over-analyze how friendly the other people are or if you shoul make the first move. Just be yourself. If you feel like saying Hello, do it. If they don't respond, don't give it a lot of thought. If you choose to be alone in your thoughts, don't feel apologetic. And when people DO press you to go to their Bible studies or join in whatever it is, don't feel you need to do more than decide on your own.

That is to say, don't be pressured but also don't feel put off by them trying to get you to join in. Any potential new member is a precious commodity to them, so of course they will make overtures. ln short, be yourself and don't worry about it. I know that it sometimes takes some doing to get over that hump.

However, do shop around until you find the church that has the right feel for you--so long as it's a doctrinally normal congregation, of course. Too often, people who have some difficulty fitting in think that there's no church that would work for them, having only experienced a couple in their town. That's a mistake. They come in all forms.

dms1972 · Dec 8, 2017

I can only travel so far, I don't go outside my town, I think that's a good principle. I have been going to churches by myself since my teens. I know social is not primary, but I need meaningful fellowship adequate to were I am at in myself which is not that good at the moment, that is I high priority for me, since i have next to no company most of the week. I read and feed my soul on christian literature during the week. I have been trying for years I stick to a church I don't hop, one week here and one week somewhere else. Unfortunately house groups in the past shift the blame onto
me for a change in their social dynamic, that's not my fault entirely and if they trained these leaders they would tell them thats normal and you'll likely even have a turbulent period nowadays with some new members, its fairly normal.

HereIStand · Dec 8, 2017

At a previous church that I attended, I would occasionally get together for coffee or to see a movie with one or two older bachelors. Usually, I initiated it. Maybe try something like that, as a supplement to a church group meeting.

yeshuaslavejeff · Dec 8, 2017

QUOTE="dms1972, post: 72074644, member: 325736"]I know its probably not wise to make a hard and fast rule about this, however I have been looking for a local church or even a fellowship group for a number of years (I live in N Ireland) , and i am somewhat reserved by disposition. I refuse labels like introvert, extrovert. All the same with Gods help I often make a move, be it to people beside, or in front when I sit down to say hello, or comment on the weather at least. I don't find the same from many who seem to be regular attenders at some of these churches I go toward me, and to be honest I don't see why it has to be me making the first move. I am a fairly private person, don't share much personal stuff except with people I know well. I just don't seem to be good at small talk. I go through periods of depression and unbelief. The last church the minister has shown himself friendly, in that he goes round the pews and greets people before the service. Other churches I went to I joined up to house groups but those really were at times an almost intolerable stress. As I find some people almost impossible to approach, I suppose its not inconceivable that some find me the same? I don't see why attendance at every service , or house meeting is necessary, and I detest being pressed to join one on my first few times to a church. Anyway my life is a mess, and I little want to share the details with people in churches I don't know that well, or who won't understand. Seems like a double bind.[/QUOTE
Yes, it is like a double bind (or even more).
One thing Jesus told ALL the disciples to DO,
take time frequently alone to be with and talk with Yahweh in heaven, privately with no people around distracting ..... (this can be accomplished even in the midst of a crowd as Yahweh gives growth and accomplishes this)....

That's all, really.

It's BETTER than spending 5 hours a day with the royalty of any country.

Just like their lives might be interesting,

so much more Yahweh's LIFE and PLAN and PURPOSE is BETTER and BEST.

No one can spend time with HIM, and not be at peace, with joy, even in the midst of many persecutions. (like Corrie ten Boom in the holocaust) ....

He Himself Loves to Reveal His Salvation (Healing, Joy, Plan) to little children who come to Him, trusting and relying IN HIM. (not trusting in man)

After some time with the Creator of the Universe in private, tell others gradually what HE HAS DONE for you. HIS WORD, HIS WORD and HIS WORK. If they don't care or don't want to listen, shrug your shoulders and go on. It's no concern of yours.

Pray for them BEFORE going out, before meeting them even, and for those you know.

Ask for Yahweh to open the door to their heart, as He Pleases. And He Will.

StillGods · Dec 15, 2017

It's exhausting that's for sure.

dms1972 · Dec 17, 2017

thanks for the replies. Yes, time in prayer, is first. Nevertheless despite my anxiety disorder I want to go to a service over christmas. Perhaps in a way its better than people (some of whom pass personal info on against my wishes) asking all sorts of questions, to be able to come and go without much fuss. Most people are ok, at least, just miss having someone I can talk about more private stuff with.

Daniel Marsh · Jan 2, 2018

groups that try to force you to join are often a bummer

TheGoodLight · Jan 3, 2018

The church that I used to be a member of would frequently pressure us into agreeing to social events, scheduled via an online system. If you didn't say yes or no, you'd find yourself receiving texts and other messages pressuring you to give an answer, and if you said no, you might receive a 'We'd really like to see you...' comment that may seem innocuous and friendly, but actually had more to it than that. I have memories of seemingly courteous invitations to get lunch that resulted in vigorous attempts to get me to commit to specific theological perspectives and life changes that I was not expecting to be pressured into by a Christian church.

I like the idea of the weekly church bulletin being the primary source to consult for church events, with promotion through online tools such as Facebook and a church website also being of benefit. In-person invitations are certainly fine, though I don't have a firm answer as to how often. My personal concern is with the person asking being tolerant of declination without responding with a 'Hmm, when I hear you say that, it sounds like...' sort of answer, which my previous church had a penchant for doing.

planet_joe · Feb 1, 2018

dms1972 said:
I know its probably not wise to make a hard and fast rule about this, however I have been looking for a local church or even a fellowship group for a number of years (I live in N Ireland) , and i am somewhat reserved by disposition. I refuse labels like introvert, extrovert. All the same with Gods help I often make a move, be it to people beside, or in front when I sit down to say hello, or comment on the weather at least. I don't find the same from many who seem to be regular attenders at some of these churches I go toward me, and to be honest I don't see why it has to be me making the first move. I am a fairly private person, don't share much personal stuff except with people I know well. I just don't seem to be good at small talk. I go through periods of depression and unbelief. The last church the minister has shown himself friendly, in that he goes round the pews and greets people before the service. Other churches I went to I joined up to house groups but those really were at times an almost intolerable stress. As I find some people almost impossible to approach, I suppose its not inconceivable that some find me the same? I don't see why attendance at every service , or house meeting is necessary, and I detest being pressed to join one on my first few times to a church. Anyway my life is a mess, and I little want to share the details with people in churches I don't know that well, or who won't understand. Seems like a double bind.

I like to initiate myself, while holding back a little bit. I find a lot of people in church get too personal too quick for my liking.

look4hope · Feb 1, 2018

@dms1972 ,
I can say from experience that it can totally feel awkward when it comes to mingling with the church family, especially if you’re the type (like me) that prefers to keep a distance from folk because I dont like to get too close & personal.
Seems sometimes we try more than we should when it comes to that. You don’t always have to make the first move. However, don’t stop making it. It’s nice to have people come to me to start a conversation. I tend to be the quiet one. So, I’m sure that...you’ve made someone’s day by just smiling and saying hello to them...and you don’t even know it. :tutu:

dms1972 · Feb 2, 2018

Thanks, generally I do look in peoples direction, and am ready to be friendly, ie to engage in some general conversation about the weather or something, and I do speak first quite often, I feel though there may be a cliquishness sometimes at work, or ones expected to go to these 'housegroup' things. I have gone to these, they can be rather ingrown an dependent on the existing dynamics not being disturbed which is always going happen when someone new joiNS.

Yet I can recall times in the past when I was at church services and there was just an openness, a genuine fellowship, no one pushing me to join this or that; and I know why it is on those occasions, because such churches are not depending all on themselves for the increase. I was a member of a local church, happened to be a Baptist church and they had basically a five year vision (not of God's character as such) but of what they wanted to happen, increased attendance at mid week home groups etc, increased giving. But fellowship felt cold quite often, the church was being managed. They done surveys internally and a lot of that I gave many hours to helping them with, compiled it, typed it up. Of course it was all prayed about, but even then it what if that becomes just using God to further our own agenda. One Pastor would preach and say with some consternation that the Holy Spirit is a 'He', which of course I more or less accepted at the time, but now I think that's not the whole truth, but of course it needs careful biblical teaching, because ministers rightly don't want to get caught up in goddess theology, or muddled theology like The Shack, or What Dreams May Come. But there was I stopped going the whole thing seemed too managed, activistic.

but thanks for your encouragement and kind words, I'll try and not cut myself off.

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