The benefits of platonic relationships

ThisIsMe123

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There's this series out called "Living Single and Loving It". Saw this mentioned in a group I'm a member of. It's a singles group, but a non-Christian singles group. Upon closer inspection, this video series is Christian-based.

They said that there's more of a benefit to a platonic relationship between opposite sex that is unselfish. That thinking of each other in an unconditional fashion in a brotherly/sisterly fashion is unselfish as opposed to just showing up to a singles event and being "on a mission" to find a mate.

Some comments from the gallery were like "Hm, I find it odd coming from a Christian-based viewpoint because isn't it not a Christian's goals is to find a partner and get married? That God had designed men an women NOT to be platonic.

But to counter that, someone mentioned that there's just something about how people these days RUSH into marriage without KNOWING their partner. And thus these high divorce rates.

Thoughts on this?
 

Cearbhall

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But to counter that, someone mentioned that there's just something about how people these days RUSH into marriage without KNOWING their partner. And thus these high divorce rates.

Thoughts on this?
I'd be curious to know what people that person is thinking of. As far as I know, the stats show that people in countries such as the U.S. and UK are waiting longer than ever, and sometimes don't go for that legal status at all. Marriage is no longer a sure step in a relationship. And the divorce rate in the U.S. has been steadily declining.
 
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ThisIsMe123

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And the divorce rate in the U.S. has been steadily declining.

Chances are, divorce is declining because not as many people in the US are marrying anymore. Some are even relationship-phobic. They are typically in common law situations, playing house, etc.

If they stop liking each other, they just...walk...thus no divorce process, and thus...no accounting that as a divorce statistic.

Thus like Europe, not going for that "marital" status anymore. I have a friend that's done the marriage thing once, but never again. It's like she's living a new and 2nd life.

Had a kid at 16, was kind of ostracized in high school because of it in the 80s (was a very religious town)...but she has a 20 year old daughter, was married for 10 years...then divorced. She has moved away from small town America into the corporate world in NYC...doing VERY well, VERY successful. She's one of those liberated, independent types.

She said she'll never marry again, so I think she kind of rebelled against her small town in a sense. Her religious family still supports her, thankfully.
 
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Paulie079

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There's this series out called "Living Single and Loving It". Saw this mentioned in a group I'm a member of. It's a singles group, but a non-Christian singles group. Upon closer inspection, this video series is Christian-based.

They said that there's more of a benefit to a platonic relationship between opposite sex that is unselfish. That thinking of each other in an unconditional fashion in a brotherly/sisterly fashion is unselfish as opposed to just showing up to a singles event and being "on a mission" to find a mate.

Some comments from the gallery were like "Hm, I find it odd coming from a Christian-based viewpoint because isn't it not a Christian's goals is to find a partner and get married? That God had designed men an women NOT to be platonic.

But to counter that, someone mentioned that there's just something about how people these days RUSH into marriage without KNOWING their partner. And thus these high divorce rates.

Thoughts on this?

Echoing what Cearbhall said, the average age that people are getting married nowadays is pretty high so I don't think divorce is due to rushing into marriage. Divorce typically happens due to money issues, infidelity, or the couple "falling out of love." In short, it's due to society no longer having a high view of marriage. It's nothing more than a legal transaction and a nice Facebook album for a lot of people.

Also, you only marry one man/woman, so God definitely did design us to have friendship with the opposite sex as well. I don't know about the selfishness angle, but I think the best foundation upon which to build even a romantic relationship is friendship, which is why I think more people should be looking for that and allow one of those friendships to evolve into something more rather than merely looking for a spouse.
 
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ThisIsMe123

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Echoing what Cearbhall said, the average age that people are getting married nowadays is pretty high so I don't think divorce is due to rushing into marriage. Divorce typically happens due to money issues, infidelity, or the couple "falling out of love." In short, it's due to society no longer having a high view of marriage. It's nothing more than a legal transaction and a nice Facebook album for a lot of people.

Also, you only marry one man/woman, so God definitely did design us to have friendship with the opposite sex as well. I don't know about the selfishness angle, but I think the best foundation upon which to build even a romantic relationship is friendship, which is why I think more people should be looking for that and allow one of those friendships to evolve into something more rather than merely looking for a spouse.

Then there lies in the rub, then there's men's fear of the dredded "friend zone". When I was younger. I would hear about how some one said, "I married my best friend!" and their friends would go Aawwwwww!

When I tried being friends with women I wanted to date, I would get "You're like a brother to you" or 'You're a great guy, but I'm sure you'll be great for...someone else"

I hear stories of frustration from guys that would hang around a female friend, hanging out with them in real time, hoping it'll turn into something more. A few months later, he tries a romantic move, and she rejects him.

You'd thinks some women would wake up and just marry the guy, right?
 
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Paulie079

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Then there lies in the rub, then there's men's fear of the dredded "friend zone". When I was younger. I would hear about how some one said, "I married my best friend!" and their friends would go Aawwwwww!

When I tried being friends with women I wanted to date, I would get "You're like a brother to you" or 'You're a great guy, but I'm sure you'll be great for...someone else"

I hear stories of frustration from guys that would hang around a female friend, hanging out with them in real time, hoping it'll turn into something more. A few months later, he tries a romantic move, and she rejects him.

You'd thinks some women would wake up and just marry the guy, right?

But like I said, you only marry one person. Any guy who would avoid female friendship for worry of being "friendzoned" is not only missing out, but is really stunting his opportunity at an amazing relationship.
I think the reason most guys get "friendzoned" is either that there is no chemistry, no mutual attraction, the guy allows himself to be the sounding board for all of her relationship issues, or he never actually makes a move. Or a combination of those.

There is no such thing as just "waking up." People feel how they feel. A woman can't suddenly turn on romantic feelings for someone any more than a guy can. The guy is not the victim in this situation. They both just have different ideas for what they ultimately want out of the relationship.

When I talk about friendship, I'm not really saying that you ask a girl to hang out and do things with you making very sure that it is JUST AS FRIENDS (I'm mocking Christian awkwardness a little bit here). It means that you literally just go and do stuff together that doesn't involve romance. Go for walks, see movies, go to sporting events, play cards, etc., and if you enjoy hanging out together, you are going to make sure that keeps happening. Out of that, romance can and does blossom, but it's not a guarantee. And there will come a point where you have to have a conversation about where it is going to go. But to me this is far and away better than meeting a person online or in person, making out on your second date, and taking things to a deep level of emotional or physical intimacy right away. You are leaving the friendship part in the dust, and eventually you are going to have to move back to Step 1 in order to get to Steps 3, 4, and 5.
 
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tdidymas

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There's this series out called "Living Single and Loving It". Saw this mentioned in a group I'm a member of. It's a singles group, but a non-Christian singles group. Upon closer inspection, this video series is Christian-based.

They said that there's more of a benefit to a platonic relationship between opposite sex that is unselfish. That thinking of each other in an unconditional fashion in a brotherly/sisterly fashion is unselfish as opposed to just showing up to a singles event and being "on a mission" to find a mate.

Some comments from the gallery were like "Hm, I find it odd coming from a Christian-based viewpoint because isn't it not a Christian's goals is to find a partner and get married? That God had designed men an women NOT to be platonic.

But to counter that, someone mentioned that there's just something about how people these days RUSH into marriage without KNOWING their partner. And thus these high divorce rates.

Thoughts on this?
I've met only one married couple in my life who began their relationship as a platonic friendship. Their marriage was successful, and still is as far as I know. I've had friendships with single women most of my life, and not one time was "chemistry" mutual. All of my current friendships with single women are platonic. I have no plan nor desire any more for getting married. From my current POV I think life in general is better this way. I'm no longer addicted to romantic desire, and I'm blessed to know life from a different perspective. Incidentally, I think "the gallery" was really the "peanut gallery" - someone who doesn't really know what a Christian's goals are (as opposed to anyone else's goals).

The result of rushing to marriage is a 50% divorce rate both inside and outside the church.
TD:)
 
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High Fidelity

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But to counter that, someone mentioned that there's just something about how people these days RUSH into marriage without KNOWING their partner. And thus these high divorce rates.

That's a given.

I still think there's a lot to say for not truly knowing someone until you've lived with them, and that's a no-no for most Christians sadly.

I've thought about it recently and I don't think I could marry someone I hadn't lived with.
 
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Citanul

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Paulie079

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That's a given.

I still think there's a lot to say for not truly knowing someone until you've lived with them, and that's a no-no for most Christians sadly.

I've thought about it recently and I don't think I could marry someone I hadn't lived with.

Millions of people have done it over the course of history. What makes you think that you couldn't?

Aside from what I think is biblical wisdom, my philosophy is that you don't have to live with a person to really know them. You can know a person well enough to make a wise decision about marriage without delving into the greatest depths of intimacy.
 
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com7fy8

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just showing up to a singles event and being "on a mission" to find a mate.
This can be trying to find someone to use for what I want. God's love does not have me only using anyone. But discover each person, so I can do what is good for each one, however God pleases.

And see who can relate the way the Bible says to relate, including Ephesians 5:21, 1 Peter 5:3, Ephesians 4:31-5:2, James 1:19-20, James 5:16. And who is helping me with this? First I need to share with the people who are obviously helping me to get real with God and find out how to love. And if one of these turns out to be a lady who connects with me and I am obviously so helping her, this could be a marriage in the creating.

And my experience is that when I am intimate and sweet with a lady in God's love, our affection and sharing and mutual trust is so better than romance and sensual pleasure.

About trust > this is another item > it seems that ones get married and they don't really trust each other. I keep reading how someone is so in love with someone, but does not trust the person enough to talk about personal feelings and issues. How can you love someone, really, but you do not trust that person?

Of course, we need to make sure with God about whom we trust, and how He would have us trust each person if we do.

isn't it not a Christian's goals is to find a partner and get married?
Possibly, this one has not read and fed on 1 Corinthians chapter 7. I find verses 3 and 4 interesting. To me, these mean that marriage is not only for using one's spouse for pleasure that one wants. But we have power over each other to do each other good.

someone mentioned that there's just something about how people these days RUSH into marriage without KNOWING their partner. And thus these high divorce rates.
But if a person is growing in Jesus, the person is getting correction and a major change in one's personality with its preferences and values and interests. So, if you suppose you can know someone so you know how marriage will go with the person . . . . . . . what you know now will become out of date.

Not to mention . . . how mature you are now can effect how reliably you can evaluate another person. How you can evaluate now will also become . . . out of date :) if you are maturing in Jesus and His sense.
 
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High Fidelity

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You can know a person well enough to make a wise decision about marriage without delving into the greatest depths of intimacy.

I agree, but I think living together is the closest 'experiment' and demonstration of life after marriage that you can get, barring a few things.

I'd rather know their bad habits(and them know mine) because I'd rather find out if we actually like living together before committing the rest of our lives to that reality.

Just my $0.02.
 
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NurseAbigail

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Before marriage find out the person's...
Hygiene habits - shower everyday? every other day? Toothbrushing??? - morning only or morning and evening?
Laundry - do you do your own laudry or does your mom? When do you do laundry? Everyday or at end of the week?
Money - how fast do you swipe that card? any savings? debt? Do you like thrift shopping? Is walmart okay to you or do you prefer high end shopping?
Food - do you cook? do you eat outside? food likes and dislikes? adventurous? bland taste? salty taste? sweets? fastfood?
Room - how often do you clean it?
Friends - childhood friends? good friends? bad friends?
Enemies - does anyone hate you? were you part of organized crime in the past?
Work - do you love your job??? Where do you see yourself 5 years from now?
Family - is the mom agreeable? any father figure?
Emotions - how do you deal with stress? anger? happiness?
Personality type - extrovert or introvert
Hair - if gets bald will you still love each other?
Weight - if gets heavy one day for circumstances that is just out of the person's control e.g. pregnancy, possible thyroid or health problems...will you still love each other?
Fun - what do you like doing on your free time?
Space - how much space do you need to recharge? How much smothering are you comfortable with?
Politics - this is a BIG one...Republican or Democrat
Religion - another BIG one..
Child Rearing - how will you discipline the kids?
Pet peeves - how annoying can you get?

lol then decide whether you can tolerate living with the person for the rest of your mortal life :D
 
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Saucy

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You pretty much spend every waking moment together when in a relationship. The only thing you're not doing is sleeping with that person (if you do it the right way biblically). I mean, a few annoying habits aren't going to be enough to send me screaming for the door. If it did, then I don't deserve to get married in the first place.
 
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Unix

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Neither do I think most divorces are due to rushing into marriage.
A very long marriage costs so much I have to wonder whether there's any point in wanting even a girlfriend. Let me put the question like this: Why want anything that's extremely expensive. All my big failures in life have come only for "accepting" what's really expensive. Why make my most expensive choice yet? Few if any realize and think about the cost beforehand in the way I do. It's not voluntary though: Not voluntary whether to marry, not voluntary to get worse finances if sticking within the same country borders and putting effort into all things - finances would be worse from those things:
I don't think divorce is due to rushing into marriage. Divorce typically happens due to money issues, infidelity, or the couple "falling out of love." In short, it's due to society no longer having a high view of marriage. It's nothing more than a legal transaction and a nice Facebook album for a lot of people.
 
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Miss Spaulding

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You pretty much spend every waking moment together when in a relationship. The only thing you're not doing is sleeping with that person (if you do it the right way biblically). I mean, a few annoying habits aren't going to be enough to send me screaming for the door. If it did, then I don't deserve to get married in the first place.

Soo you're saying that if I were to start packing my bags after hearing him whistle in the shower (or anywhere for that matter) I don't deserve holy matrimony?


WELL THEN.
 
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Paulie079

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Neither do I think most divorces are due to rushing into marriage.
A very long marriage costs so much I have to wonder whether there's any point in wanting even a girlfriend. Let me put the question like this: Why want anything that's extremely expensive. All my big failures in life have come only for "accepting" what's really expensive. Why make my most expensive choice yet? Few if any realize and think about the cost beforehand in the way I do. It's not voluntary though: Not voluntary whether to marry, not voluntary to get worse finances if sticking within the same country borders and putting effort into all things - finances would be worse from those things:

I don’t intend to sound rude, but if you view marriage as just a financial liability, you weren’t meant to get married lol. Do what makes you happy instead.

But as someone who is passionate about finances, I would actually argue that marriage is one of the more financially advantageous moves that you can make in life even though that’s at the bottom of reasons why one would actually get married.
 
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Saucy

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Soo you're saying that if I were to start packing my bags after hearing him whistle in the shower (or anywhere for that matter) I don't deserve holy matrimony?


WELL THEN.
maxresdefault.jpg


I guess I should consider myself lucky that I don't know how to whistle or else we wouldn't be friends ^_^
 
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ThisIsMe123

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ThisIsMe123

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I don’t intend to sound rude, but if you view marriage as just a financial liability, you weren’t meant to get married lol. Do what makes you happy instead.

But as someone who is passionate about finances, I would actually argue that marriage is one of the more financially advantageous moves that you can make in life even though that’s at the bottom of reasons why one would actually get married.

Agreed, someone's perspective is quite warped. I have to get a kick out the people who come up with these excuses not to have even a romantic relationship.

Anyways, getting back on topic, I think the point of the original author of the video series points out that if people didn't see EVERYONE as a prospective partner, then they'd be more relaxed whilst mingling.
 
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