Marriage, Sex, and Emotion

Glaucus · Jan 28, 2018

My wife just had a hysterectomy (she is doing well, by the way, and I thank all of you for your prayers), and so, with four children given to us by God, we are now finished having children.

Between the children and our busy lives with work and school, my wife and I have lived more as roommates, even best friends, more than we have husband and wife, for quite a long time. Our marriage isn't in danger, and we love each other dearly, but we can't honestly say that we haven't neglected each other emotionally. However, we have always had a very active and healthy sex life.

What I would like is for us to refrain from sexual relations for awhile. There are no children to be had. It's all pleasure. I would like to replace sex for the time being with conversation, dates, and other such things. I would like for us to be with each other emotionally and not just physically, to build our relationship and bond back up to what it once was, and then in time, be with each other intimately again, and appreciate it much more, and love each other much more.

Does anyone have any experience doing something like this? Is this a good idea? And if so, how should I bring it up to my wife?

Searching1God · Jan 28, 2018

What do you think of 1 Corinthian 7:5? And how do you think it fits with what you are trying to do.

Do not deprive one another, except by mutual consent for a limited time, so you may devote yourselves to prayer.Then come together again, so that Satan will not tempt you through your lack of self-control.]

ETA: You are very fortunate that as married couple, you have always had a very active and healthy sex life.

Anhelyna · Jan 28, 2018

Married life is not all about procreation !

Your wife may no longer be able to conceive BUT she still has need for the act that brings you together as one unit - a couple - rather than 2 people who live in the same house.

Give enough time for physical and emotional healing and then take things gently. You both have emotional needs

ArmyMatt · Jan 28, 2018

Glaucus said:
My wife just had a hysterectomy (she is doing well, by the way, and I thank all of you for your prayers), and so, with four children given to us by God, we are now finished having children.

Between the children and our busy lives with work and school, my wife and I have lived more as roommates, even best friends, more than we have husband and wife, for quite a long time. Our marriage isn't in danger, and we love each other dearly, but we can't honestly say that we haven't neglected each other emotionally. However, we have always had a very active and healthy sex life.

What I would like is for us to refrain from sexual relations for awhile. There are no children to be had. It's all pleasure. I would like to replace sex for the time being with conversation, dates, and other such things. I would like for us to be with each other emotionally and not just physically, to build our relationship and bond back up to what it once was, and then in time, be with each other intimately again, and appreciate it much more, and love each other much more.

Does anyone have any experience doing something like this? Is this a good idea? And if so, how should I bring it up to my wife?

this is one is a question for your priest

All4Christ · Jan 28, 2018

While I haven't been in your situation, I'd imagine that the initial time after a hysterectomy would be a difficult time to hear a suggestion like what you are referencing. I'm not saying it shouldn't happen at some point of time - but rather that I am sure it is an emotional time for her, since she experienced a significant change in her body in relation to something that is a part of who we are. Perhaps waiting for a time would be best? As Fr Matt said though, this is a good question for your priest.

LaSorcia · Jan 28, 2018

What springs to my mind is 1 Corinthians 7:5 Do not deprive one another, except by mutual consent for a limited time, so you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again, so that Satan will not tempt you through your lack of self-control. Also, the verses about your body belonging to the spouse.

Sexual relations between married people heal both the wounds of the world and the disagreements in the marriage. If I'm hearing you correctly, it sounds like you want to put it aside for a while in order to build up the things that have been missing due to the other demands of life. I have a sneaking suspicion that if you phrase it that way, your wife will likely agree with you. It would be like returning to a courting phase for a while, to build up what has been wounded by the world and return the intimacy of the marital relations.

Having said all that, ask your priest.

All4Christ · Jan 28, 2018

This link explains some of what I was referencing:

The emotional impact of hysterectomy

Paidiske · Jan 28, 2018

I have had some experience with something similar, and while I understand what you're trying to do, I would say you would need to be exquisitely careful that your wife does not feel it as a rejection of her on some level. That you don't love her enough as she is now, or something like that.

~Anastasia~ · Jan 28, 2018

Isn't there some period of time you must wait after the surgery? Perhaps you could approach that period of enforced abstinence as you are thinking - no real need to tell her of your thoughts and risk making her feel rejected.

Sometimes the LAST thing a wife needs after having any womanly parts removed or destroyed is any hint of rejection of her femininity by her husband. She may well be struggling with that enough as it is.

But there is nothing that says that you can't work on building intimacy and emotional closeness in the meantime.

Beyond that simple thing for now, I agree with Matt that this is one for your priest.

Endeavourer · Jan 28, 2018

I would absolutely not recommend what you are suggesting.

Instead, date.

Here are two articles that describe the dating practices often found in marriages where the spouses are very much in love with each other:

The concept:
The Policy of Unidivided Attention

A series of several articles describing practical application:
Dating after marriage 1

Give each other undivided attention in blocks of 4 hours at a time where you meet each other's emotional needs for intimate conversation, recreation, affection and sexual fulfillment on each date to the extent possible.

My husband and I date in this fashion and we are very deeply in love with each other. We also follow the other concepts on the marriagebuilders site, but dating is a very important action that keeps you emotionally connected with each other.

Platina · Jan 29, 2018

While I have no experience with this particular situation, what you are suggesting sounds reasonable to me. As you said, if your emotional bond is stronger, the sex will be more important and meaningful. Speaking from my own marriage, I think without the emotional connection, I would feel like sex would just be using my wife to gratify myself.

But, I'm glad to see that several have commented on being very careful about how your wife will take it.

Hermit76 · Jan 29, 2018

Is she in agreement?

Glaucus · Jan 29, 2018

Hermit76 said:
Is she in agreement?

I haven't brought it up. As others have correctly observed, we can't have sex for a minimum of 6 weeks right now anyways, but I feel like using her hysterectomy for this purpose is like saying you fasted for spiritual reasons, but in reality you had the flu and couldn't eat. I will pray about it and seek guidance before deciding whether or not to bring it up.

~Anastasia~ · Jan 29, 2018

Glaucus said:
I haven't brought it up. As others have correctly observed, we can't have sex for a minimum of 6 weeks right now anyways, but I feel like using her hysterectomy for this purpose is like saying you fasted for spiritual reasons, but in reality you had the flu and couldn't eat. I will pray about it and seek guidance before deciding whether or not to bring it up.

Talk to your priest.

I wouldn't personally consider it "using her hysterectomy for this purpose". I would look at it as taking the situation you have been placed in in your lives and using it to the best possible good for both of you - just as God often allows trials, hardships, and falls to draw us closer to Him or teach us what He wants us to know. Always let good come out of bad. It's what GOD is doing, so if we are sensitive to it and cooperate with Him, we can experience that benefit He desires for us. Perhaps that is His purpose here. Perhaps that's why it came into your mind just at this time.

~Anastasia~ · Jan 29, 2018

~Anastasia~ said:
Talk to your priest.

I wouldn't personally consider it "using her hysterectomy for this purpose". I would look at it as taking the situation you have been placed in in your lives and using it to the best possible good for both of you - just as God often allows trials, hardships, and falls to draw us closer to Him or teach us what He wants us to know. Always let good come out of bad. It's what GOD is doing, so if we are sensitive to it and cooperate with Him, we can experience that benefit He desires for us. Perhaps that is His purpose here. Perhaps that's why it came into your mind just at this time.

If you do this though, you still don't have to bring it up. Or if you do - as a woman I will say I would MUCH rather hear "Honey, I know we can't be physically intimate during the next six weeks, but I'd really like to work on growing a bond and intimacy between us otherwise". I would NOT like to hear anything about sex being a problem if lesser in intimacy so you're glad that during this time we can't do that, but hey surprise, why don't we work on emotional intimacy!? Forgive me, I KNOW you wouldn't say it like that, but my point is that a woman in a fragile state may HEAR something like that in your words if you aren't careful. In my opinion she doesn't need to know every thought you've had, especially if her emotions are likely to make her misunderstand. Just focus on the positive, in other words.

It is real love in action that desires the best good of the other. Keep that in mind while discerning, but also know that if you do, that's what she will experience from you, and it will go towards making her feel your love.

God be with you both.

ArmyMatt · Jan 29, 2018

and I would add, when it comes to sex and abstaining from sex, husbands and wives must be mutually submissive to the other.

ZaidaBoBaida · Jan 29, 2018

Do NOT suggest this to your wife right now. She will interpret it as you no longer find her desirable. If you value your marriage - do NOT do this.

Glaucus · Jan 29, 2018

Well, lots of ladies saying this is a bad idea to talk about it right now, so I'll be wise and listen to you all!

All4Christ · Jan 29, 2018

Glaucus said:
Well, lots of ladies saying this is a bad idea to talk about it right now, so I'll be wise and listen to you all!

It’d be great though to suggest setting time aside to just have date nights though. That’d be very helpful on multiple levels imho. We like to have a date night at least once a week...it helps a lot. Are one of your kids old enough to babysit? If so, it’d be nice pocket change for him / her, and it’d give you some time for just the two of you.

ZaidaBoBaida · Jan 29, 2018

I do like the idea of dating again and reintroducing a little romance into the marriage, but stopping sex--- no bad idea. Very very bad idea.

If Hubman said he didn't want to have sex with me for awhile - it wouldn't matter the reason why - I'd lose it.

Marriage, Sex, and Emotion

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