do I resent my husband...?

This sounds like what happened when my wife and I had kids. My wife just kinda thought that it was "her job" as the mother to do the night feedings/etc...and I never really questioned it. It seemed like she had it in hand.

Eventually it started to really take a toll on her - and she told me about it after it really started getting to her. I was more than happy to assist with the night feedings.

The arrangement we eventually worked out was that we'd do two day shifts. One night on and one night off actually left us feeling like we never got enough sleep...while two nights in a row of good sleep worked better.

Just talk to him about it

That time period with little kids, was honestly one of the hardest of my life. There are other challenges as kids grow up, of course, and more than a few sleepless nights due to worry, but not the constant wake ups of the baby years. It seemed like for several years I didn't sleep at all, lol, particularly when everyone got sick at the same time ... wow. I still worry about my kids but I sleep a lot better! At the same time, I miss those days a little - sticky little fingers grabbing my hands, the feel of their bodies getting heavy as they fell asleep on my lap. Sigh. I was one who didn't ask for help for a long time, and I wished I had sooner. We tend to expect that the other parent just understands how tiring it is, but until they experience it, they really don't. Speaking up is important.

It sounds like you could probably really relate to what this couple experienced. Like others have said....don't let it get to the point where you really do resent him:

FWIW, I think there is more pride in thinking you can do it all and then some, all the while your children are always on their best behaviour and mind their p's and q's even when they have big emotions. That's not how it works, and you can't do it all. That's why God uses part man and part woman to create babies. Parenting is meant for both parents. As well, if you are unable to feel good about parenting, about your relationship, about your life, what message is that sending your children? Self-care is necessary...think about the instructions the stewards give you on a flight - put the O2 mask on yourself first, then look after helping your children with theirs. You are no good to your children if you can't breathe. It is not selfish to expect your husband to help you with his (and your) children.

I also challenge the comment that your children need you more than him right now. I teach attachment based parenting courses, and unashamedly declare that children need to form secure attachments to both parents. What would happen if (heaven forbid!) something happens that prevents you from parenting? That would leave your husband to raise children who have no secure attachment with him and he likely would be unable to attune to them in order to meet their needs.

mixedupnicely said:

Both my husband & I are 24 years old, devout Christians, married with two beautiful kids.
We are very active within our church ministries in both the youth department & Praise & worship & music ministry.

We have a little boy, who is in school, and a six month old baby girl. Shortly after her birth, my husband was ordained as an Evangelist.
I adore my husband, he is caring and loving, sensitive and yet is strong. But I do feel that my life has been paused almost, and his life has changed very little since our daughter has been born. I would do anything for him and supporting his comeup is absolutely my honour... but I do feel a little despondent and taken for granted almost. I am jealous that he can get up and pray every morning and then go to the gym before leaving the house by 7:30am to go to work. and I can barely get up on time after a night of 3 hourly night feeds.

I feel unimportant, and slightly silly when I wait all day for him to come home, to realise he has to produce a lesson or he has to write a sermon for prison ministry or he is counselling someone and can make plans to do so, just assuming I will care for the children.

I have served my church as Youth President for 4 years, and am due to step down next month as it has become too much especially with a young family....And I absolutely love my children fiercely, and there is nothing I would love more than to care for them........yet still.......... I feel slightly 'lost' maybe?

I feel almost reduced... to 'just a' wife and mother & yet without belittling the beautiful fulfilment and reward being a mother and wife brings........I know God has put so much more in me...........

Is this my role as a Christian wife? Am I ungrateful/frustrated? Is this married life?
should I expect a level of reciprocity ?

I think it's worth mentioning we are both aware that we were called to ministry individually as well as as a unit yet some days I do just want to sit and laugh at nothingness with my best friend again.....

Or has that time in our lives gone...?

It is frustrating because we tried our best to things the right way yet people don't live for God, and find loving relationships where the only compromise is what colour cushions to have...
Here we are juggling marriage with ministry with hobbies with two kids under 10 with extended family dynamics and politics.............. I need a three year holiday !

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You have a baby and young child...so your responsibilities include the nearly 24 hour care of both. What exactly were you expecting?

I get that it seems like you've taken on more of the childcare and your husband is taking on the role of provider...yet from what it sounds like, you want to be the provider? Is it feasible for you to be the one out earning a paycheck while your husband stays home with the children? If so, perhaps it's time to have a frank discussion about which roles and responsibilities you want and which ones your husband wants. It's possible that some kind of agreement can be met that's more satisfying to the both of you.

If it's not feasible though, and he's the only one who can provide for your family, then what exactly is the problem? Do you resent having children so young and wish you could have spent more time as a married couple? Is that the issue?

What exactly did you think being a parent would be like?

If you thought you would be sacrificing your personal interests in a big way to care for the raising of your children...you were correct. If you thought that your life wouldn't change that much and you'd still have a lot of time to "do you"...then you were wrong.

This is exactly why I don't have children. I already know that I love doing what I want, spending time with my wife, and pursuing our own interests far too much to give that up for children. My wife agrees with me and feels the same way...she's not ready, and may never be, for the responsibility of having children.

I think it's a very serious life decision that far too many take too lightly...and I hope you grow to love your choices and accept your responsibilities.

mixedupnicely said:

I guess there is a stigma attached to asking for help... I put it down to pride. When we do spend time & I do get a regular break there is nothing better than being with my kids & serving my family. I enjoy it thoroughly...!

but moving forward we have agreed to meet with our Pastor and reduce his responsibility within church so that once he's back from work, he can take over & we can get into a real routine of managing time better.

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Good to hear.

It is not easy managing ministry and raising children. However, part of the requirements of a deacon or elder/overseer, is managing the household well. In most church structures evangelists would likely come under one of those headings.

3 This is a faithful saying: If a man desires the position of an oversear he desires a good work. 2 An oversear then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, temperate, sober-minded, of good behavior, hospitable, able to teach; 3 not given to wine, not violent, not greedy for money, but gentle, not quarrelsome, not covetous; 4 one who rules his own house well, having his children in submission with all reverence 5 (for if a man does not know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the church of God?); 6 not a novice, lest being puffed up with pride he fall into the same condemnation as the devil. 7 Moreover he must have a good testimony among those who are outside, lest he fall into reproach and the snare of the devil.

This is not optional. And there is no way he can fulfill it if he is not spending time with his family.. And if he fails to be a part of his family life it will impact your spiritual life, his spiritual life, and his ministry in time. I knew too many fellow ministers from the older generation who would share with me that they looked back too late and realized they had neglected and in some cases driven away their children, from the family and the church.

We served in multi church districts while conducting at times evangelistic meetings and visitation that goes with it. But I still made time for family worship and for spending time with the kids.

Most of it is just him finding times to help out in practical ways. If he does his work from an office he might consider using an office at the home. I could still work on things, go out on visitation, conduct meetings, etc. but there were numerous times I could just help out for a few minutes if needed.

And then there should be some longer planned time as well where he can give you a break.

As to family worship, when they were little we would just act out the stories together. Later when they were old enough to understand we would act out and read the stories. Later we would just read and discuss. And eventually they started transitioning to taking time for their own spiritual development. Looking back now that my kids have made the transition to studying the Scriptures on their own, and still like to discuss it with us, we are so glad we took the time. More than just learning the Bible they see how serious you are about your faith when you take time to apply it in your home life.

Ministers sometimes can put on an act outside the home. But that doesn't work in the home. To truly model faith you have to model ministry to your family. And as they grow up they can start to minister with you.

Beyond that you have to have some times for fun together.

That is not to say that there will not be long times of feeling like you are isolated, or barely get out of the house. Even if he gives you breaks the reality is that looking after a family can be very isolating. If there are other young couples in the church or even the area you might want to get together with them and their kids. If you meet in an area with play equipment that can be monitored easily you can take some time to discuss while you keep an eye on things together, depending on how old the kids are. This could even develop into a ministry for non-Christian parents as well.

Also, even though evangelism can lead to some strange hours, most folks (there are exceptions, especially in rural areas) don't want to see you early in the day. That could be perhaps a time to spend with the kids, especially as it would give you time to recover from taking care of them at night. Or if he is a night owl he could help there too. Very few want visits at 2 in the morning! My wife still remembers me carrying my son around a rectangle hallway in our parsonage until he fell asleep each night. It gave her a break and a chance for me to bond with him.

It is good that you are starting this conversation. Try to look at the resentment for what it is--a realization that you are tired and need his help, and long for his involvement with his family. If he can see it as that then he can help in way that does not lead to further resentment on either side.

Right, skipping right past the mommy and wife-shaming post that was completely unnecessary, I’ll gladly add my voice to the chorus of those who say that not only is what you’re feeling not unusual, it’s a watermark in parenting that’s so typical it’s discussed in parenting books. Don’t beat yourself up... You’re so normal we’d wonder if you didn’t have those feelings. And, sad to say, it’s a feeling that comes and goes throughout parenting. My youngest is 7 and my husband is the most involved husband and father in the world, but you’d better believe that there are days when I see him doing something “fun,” while I’ve called out “stop running through the house” for the billionth time and I have to stop the “must be nice...” thoughts that creep in.

I will throw out there in case it hasn’t been mentioned yet, but you’re in that postpartum depression sweet spot as well. Meaning, this is that period when a lot of it really hits you and hits you hard. That certainly augments (and in some cases causes) these feelings to amplify. It’s maybe something to bring up during your next check up.