I cheated... feeling guilty

Billy Sizemore said:

Hello remorseful boy. I'm a 41 year old baptist who has been married for 21 years. My wife was 18 at the time we were married. I gave my life to the Lord 2 years ago and it has made a huge difference in our relationship. Even though I hadn't cheated on my wife in the physical sense throughout the course of our marriage I can certainly see now that I had cheated my wife from the standpoint of being the type of husband she deserved. I cheated on her with my job, my friends, and most of all my alcoholism. I think their are a few things to consider in your current situation. I try to turn to God's word during the times I feel lost as to what I should do in any situation. I would look at the following verses and make careful consideration of what God would have you do.

Isaiah 25:1 O LORD, thou art my God; I will exalt thee, I will praise thy name; for thou hast done wonderful things; thy counsels of old are faithfulness and truth. (It sounds as though the Holy Spirit is convicting you for your lack of faithfulness to your girlfriend and you know in your heart the behavior isn't right. It also sounds to me that you are torn about telling your girlfriend the "truth" about what has occurred. Faithfulness and truth are both fundamental cornerstones of a relationship with Christ and therefore, since God's word parallels the relationship between a man and his wife with the relationship between Christ and the church, I would take this into careful consideration.

Proverbs 3:6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. (Draw close to God first and he will direct you on what you need to do.)

I think one of the most important verses to keep in mind if you love this girl and want to eventually marry her is Romans 8:5 For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit. (While your fleshly desires are currently placing you in this position marriage just for the purpose of fulfilling those desires wouldn't be following Christ's model for marriage. This would be like going to church and being baptized because it's a hot day and you would like to cool off. The institution of marriage is more than that, it is a public profession of death to self and becoming a new creature and living your life for someone else, much like baptism is meant to be. Drawing close to God will make you love her soul if she is the one God has chosen for you.

Finally as far as this being the third time this has occurred and your girlfriend forgiving you the first two times... It sounds as though you have been shown grace and your girlfriend has followed a very Christ like approach with your situation. With that being said, the Bible warns that we shouldn't continue our sins just because we have been given grace. Romans 5:20-21 Moreover the law entered, that the offence might abound. But where sin abounded, grace did much more abound: That as sin hath reigned unto death, even so might grace reign through righteousness unto eternal life by Jesus Christ our Lord. Romans 6:1-4 What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin, that grace may abound? God forbid. How shall we, that are dead to sin, live any longer therein? Know ye not, that so many of us as were baptized into Jesus Christ were baptized into his death? Therefore we are buried with him by baptism into death: that like as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life.

Sorry for the lengthy reply... I hope this helps

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Nice 1 billy I can relate to that!

You should be honest with your girlfriend about the 3rd incident and take a long break from each other. Sounds like she’s committed to staying pure until marriage, which should be the goal for you as well.

You’re clearly struggling, so you need to be single and spend time with God. Seek prayer or a support group if you haven’t already. Also, fasting and praying about this is good too. Maybe in the future the two of you can come together again.

Remorsefulboy said:

Hi. Before I carry on, what I am about to say next is very sinful and will most likely draw alot of flak from everyone. I hope you will hear what I have to say, and give me (hopefully), a slightly more peaceful state of mind.

So, I cheated on my girlfriend of 3 years and counting, three times. She has forgiven me the first two times, but the third time, it was a moment of lust and I just couldn't control myself. I know, as a Christian, I should not give in to such moments, and should have stopped myself. But, the fact is the deed is done, and I am wondering what should my next course of action be.

I really love my girlfriend. She is the best for me, being there for me when I am emotionally hurt and everything. But, I just felt that there wasn't any physical intimacy at all. We haven't had sex (just putting this fact to clarify things up), and have been pure as much as possible. I am trying to find a way to live with this guilt, [staff edit]. I will work as hard as possible to make my girlfriend the happiest person alive.

I'm lost at a crossroad am I'm just wondering if anyone could tell me that even though I am keeping her in the dark about this 3rd cheating incident, but working as hard as possible to make her happy and prevent such things from happening again, (assuming it really never happens again, since I guess my words can't be trusted since it is the 3rd time happening), it would be the best case scenario?

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It's important to note that Marriage is not a magic pill, think about what a marriage or even a committed relationship looks like to you, and ask yourself what you want.

If what you want and how you are acting are in contradiction .. you need to sit down and be honest with yourself before proceeding. One problem that lust begins with is the societal instinct to objectify everything and everyone, how this instinct plays out tells us a lot about ourselves ... but not everything.

self examination is not a bad thing.

If this guy can't be truthful she deserves better! End of! Stop telling this guy to marry her! Would you want him with your daughter?

What caused you to cheat? How could you have avoided it?

Was this cheating with another person, or was this a relapse into inappropriate contentography or going to a strip club?

Let your girlfriend go free, its not a relationship its a hostage situation. Then go fix yourself. You have character defects, flaws and much sin that needs to be addressed and fixed long before you should ever decide to be in a relationship with a woman. Sick people attract sick people.

Go to confession; find the nearest Catholic church near you, the next time for confession, and go to it. It doens't matter if you're catholic or not, priests have been granted the power to forgive sins, and it's entirely confidential. Priests rarely even remember the sins that they're told, and can offer much advice upon request.
Pray, pray, and pray some more. "Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you." (James 4:8) Remember that no matter how far you fall, God will never stop loving you & wanting to take care of you. Pray a novena to St. Michael, St. Vitalis, St. Joseph, or anyone who you think could help. The nine days of prayer are, from my experience, one of the most transformative things you can do in your spiritual life.
That reminds me: God is not in the business of tweaking--God is in the business of transformations. If the desire to do better is there (and clearly, it is), your prayer will not go unanswered. Pray to be more receptive to His guidance, pray for strength, pray for His intercession. God wants you to become a loyal and sacrificial boyfriend and husband, He's just waiting for you to say "Yes" to His gentle nudges in the right direction.
The very fact that you started this thread says a tremendous amount about your character, and even more about your desire to change. God is there for you, and so are most people you know. Never, never, never lose your faith.
Avoiding the oppertunity to sin would be in your best interest here. You do not have the strength to be with these other girls and avoid infidelity. Do what you can to avoid being alone with them, in whatever situations led to your sins before. This is a situation where lying & other dark arts are acceptable; if you're getting too close to cheating, look at your phone & act like an emergency has popped up, and run away. Look at a clock, and say your mother is coming soon if you don't go back. (Bringing up your mother is a great way to ruin these sorts of situations). Start coughing violently, and feign sickness. Do whatever it takes to get out of there, and prayer now for the insight to see when these situations are occuring, to realize that you're going to sin before you actually do. I've prayed for you 5 times already, and I know God will not let you down.

Remorsefulboy said:

Thank you for pointing me towards the right direction. i will read up from there and pray to God for advice and the path from there on.

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I'm not going to give you the type of advice that others here have given. I have sinned and therefore I am not going to throw any stones at you. If there is no ring on her finger showing a commitment to her, you are still a free agent and therefore it is not a cheating on her, unless there is a long term commitment agreement between you. It is in the marriage ceremony that the vow, "leaving all others and cleaving to her alone" becomes binding. The real problem is the sex side of what you are doing. Remember that it takes two to tango, and the "other woman" may know that you have a girlfriend and went into the encounter regardless. Don't forget that.

My view is that holiness before God and the control of your body is in the hands of the Holy Spirit. You cannot get the victory through your own efforts, and the harder you try, the further into the quicksand you will go. It is like telling someone, don't think of a pink elephant, and then all they can think of is a pink elephant! So if people say, "Don't have sex with anyone" then all you might think of is having sex. I have found that the answer for me is to go to Christ. Spend time with Him and talk out your struggle. You can do without fear because there is no condemnation for you. You are already forgiven and cleansed from all sin and have escaped guilt and punishment for sin through Christ. This means that you can freely talk with the Lord about your struggles and challenges over sexual desire and ask for His help to walk the straight and narrow. I find in the midst of temptation that I say to the Lord, "You know I can't beat this by myself. I need the strength of the Holy Spirit, so I am going to stand fast until the temptation goes, in faith, believing that the Holy Spirit in me will deal with the temptation. I have found then that if I put my mind on something else to distract me, the temptation drains away.

It is wisdom in the Lord that when you feel attracted to a woman who is not your girlfriend, you can say to Him, "I feel attracted to her, but help me not to take that second look and give me the strength, by your grace, to turn my back and walk away from her." Then it is your choice to either go toward her or turn your back and walk away. Turning your back and walking is your act of faith, and the Holy Spirit will honour that and you will feel a new strength and power and a sense of joy that you were able to obey the Lord on this one.

That's really all I can say about this one. About confessing to your girlfriend. That might not be necessary. Confessing to God and getting it straight with Him is most important. Then you can ask the Lord whether it would be right to confess it anywhere else. It might be better to keep it to yourself to prevent further harm to your relationship. We don't have to always confess our sins to all and sundry, and while there is no ring on her finger, you can make the choice not to say anything to her and no negative consequences will come out of that - unless someone gossips, and then that would be their sin and not yours.

Over 40 years ago my marriage was troubled and I prayed for God to help me understand what I needed to do to help her and fix our marriage. I heard a voice say that only through faith would it be saved. It ended a through years later because I thought that she was the one without faith. Wrong.

After it ended I prayed to understand why and I suddenly began to see a vision of many of the things that I did wrong and the things which I had failed to do right.

God wanted to show me the truth because my pride had gotten in the way. This was devastating but necessary. I failed to have the faith God called me into.

It took time because I needed to learn what a man was to bring into a marriage. Nine years later I met my present wife and we have been together for 27 years and I have been truly blessed.

We called to love our wives as Jesus loves the Church. That is a tall order but if a man truly loves his wife he does her no wrong. He lifts her up as Jesus lifted mankind up to make us sons of God.

There is no excuse for cheating on one's spouse. If you truly love another you do them no wrong.

God Bless

Oscarr said:

I'm not going to give you the type of advice that others here have given. I have sinned and therefore I am not going to throw any stones at you. If there is no ring on her finger showing a commitment to her, you are still a free agent and therefore it is not a cheating on her, unless there is a long term commitment agreement between you. It is in the marriage ceremony that the vow, "leaving all others and cleaving to her alone" becomes binding. The real problem is the sex side of what you are doing.

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The real problem is the betrayal of trust of one you supposedly love I would think.

"I just couldn't control myself". If you know Christ as lord then.. we don't have to obey sin. Its a choice we freely made. For Christ gave us all power over the enemy and nothing shall by any means hurt us. YOU put this out in pubic so .. if she was ... is so wonderful why did you do this in the 1st place? Been married 33 years never touched another woman. And think I am DEAD.. yet what most men get from there wife I have never had. Still never touched another woman. Thoughts.. things like that .. well Christ forgot it all but .. I have.

The way it works is JESUS IS REAL! We have to have a relationship with Him. Where our heart wants nothing but Him. Forgive me.. these things I know about. And if you are doing it now.. getting marred will not stop it. GUILT never ever ever comes from Christ so toss that out. You need to take some time and get this right. See.. this is a choice. You have ALL THE POWER you need to stop. If you want to stop you will. No sin has more power over you then Christ in you. So.. take a run.. take a cold shower.. call up that PASTOR if you dont have one.. GET ONE. You love this woman or not?

And does she know about 3? If not.. thats your 1st thing to do. Jesus does not judge you nor condemn. So forgive yourself. And give ALL to Christ.. make that choice.

Everybodyknows said:

The real problem is the betrayal of trust of one you supposedly love I would think.

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That could very well be a part of it.

harko said:

Once they have laid together and become one flesh can be considered as married

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No they are not married once they have sex together, they are fornicators, since its done outside a covenant agreement between them and God.

Remorsefulboy said:

Hi. Before I carry on, what I am about to say next is very sinful and will most likely draw alot of flak from everyone. I hope you will hear what I have to say, and give me (hopefully), a slightly more peaceful state of mind.

So, I cheated on my girlfriend of 3 years and counting, three times. She has forgiven me the first two times, but the third time, it was a moment of lust and I just couldn't control myself. I know, as a Christian, I should not give in to such moments, and should have stopped myself. But, the fact is the deed is done, and I am wondering what should my next course of action be.

I really love my girlfriend. She is the best for me, being there for me when I am emotionally hurt and everything. But, I just felt that there wasn't any physical intimacy at all. We haven't had sex (just putting this fact to clarify things up), and have been pure as much as possible. I am trying to find a way to live with this guilt, [staff edit]. I will work as hard as possible to make my girlfriend the happiest person alive.

I'm lost at a crossroad am I'm just wondering if anyone could tell me that even though I am keeping her in the dark about this 3rd cheating incident, but working as hard as possible to make her happy and prevent such things from happening again, (assuming it really never happens again, since I guess my words can't be trusted since it is the 3rd time happening), it would be the best case scenario?

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As a Christian the bible tells us "Pray that you fall not into temptation"... there is a need for you to dedicate your life to Christ, to seek Him and His word daily. God is pure power, our flesh is weak. If we live separated from God our flesh dominates, and we can not control our selves. If we bind our selves to God, through prayer, our weakness is lessened, we take on God's power. You need that power, to both stop cheating, and to make it to heaven. If you don't seek God's power, you will fall again.

Remorsefulboy said:

Thank you for your advice. I will marry her as soon as possible, i know i really want her, and I know that in marriage she will be able to satisfy my desires. Do i really have to tell her because there is a high risk for a break up. i know this is really selfish of me but I really really do want her and it was moments of folly. I know these all sound like excuses, but sigh.

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You absolutely must tell her and not telling her is not an option. Before you get married you need to confess your sin to her and God and repent. You must not take any lies or hiding of the truth into a marriage and it must be built on honesty or it will be wrong foundations. You must go into it being able to be honest and true to each other. If she is not prepared to forgive you for a third time then you have to let her go and deal with the consequences. She may want to wait and for you to prove you can be faithful before she would be prepared to consider marrying you, in which case you need to prove you can or let her go. Unfaithfulness and dishonesty are not options.

ValleyGal said:

And I disagree with the one poster here who states you should tell your girlfriend about the third affair and then ask her to marry you. That is putting all the responsibility for your infidelity onto your girlfriend. Instead, repent!

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Mskriskris said:

I don't understand @GirdYourLoins logic at all, but please do not marry the girl. Marriage isn't a spur of the moment decision, and its not to be treated as a solution to ANYTHING.

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These two posters dont seem to know what it is to burn with desire as a man. Some men have more desire than others and it can be very difficult to resist. Testosterone is a very powerful hormone. If I am wrong and you know what it is to burn with a strong male desire please let me know.

I wish you a very Happy New Year in our Lord Jesus Christ, God The Most High and Holy Spirit and in our Most Holy Blessed Virgin Mother Mary of God.

Feeling guilty is Jesus and Holy Spirit working within your Heart to take the first steps of repentance to Jesus for hurting our Lord Jesus for these sins in deep remorse. At least you are feeling guilty and guilt as we all have experienced is the worst feeling and emotion - bogging down our heart - and if we do not suffer guilt then we do not have The Holy Spirit in us illuminating our hearts and souls in Gods Holy Discernment - far away from our Lord Jesus Holy Spirit God The Most High our Heavenly Divine Majesty - lukewarm souls and the worst Jesus said will have to run to His Mercy now before its too late. Jesus said this to His Holy Saints now in Heaven while here on earth. Therefore lukewarm souls and our Lords separated Brethren is the other group of souls Jesus Sorrowed most deeply when suffering His Agony in the Garden, Jesus said to Holy Saint Faustina, and during His Bitter Passion on The Cross. Mankind including all sinners gave Jesus, our Lord said, Consolation when losing souls to Hell, that our Lord Jesus then saw in His Holy Visions in God The Most High.

So, there is always hope and Mercy for us in our Lord Jesus Christ, through Repentance of sins made to Jesus in deep remorse and sorrow for having hurt Jesus the most, Whom is crucified over and over again, when we continue to sin against Him, in front of God The Most High until we repent to Him and are given Holy Absolution by Jesus through His Priests where Jesus says He stands behind his Priests

"Know this, the greater the sinner, the greater is My Mercy"
"Even if the most hardened sinner were to repent to Me, they will be forgiven"
"Any soul whom approaches The Fount of My Mercy can be forgiven".

We are supposed to as Christians have Jesus "Centre" in our Hearts Souls and people secondly. Firstly be deeply sorry to our Lord Jesus and your girlfriend secondly deeply sorry then let this girl go and remain celibate for a year until you have received Jesus into your heart in Holy Unity with Him, prayed more greatly, kept up regular Holy Confession in our Lord Jesus, through our Lord you can then have self discipline taught by our Lord Jesus God The Most High Holy Spirit and through Most Holy Mother Mary Whom breaks all filthy vices within Her Most Holy Rosary prayed - Jesus Holy Wound Chaplet - Jesus Holy Divine Mercy Chaplet.

A deep loving trusting Relationship with our Lord Jesus Christ firstly.

It has taken me many years to learn this until i received Blessed Holy Mother into my heart Whom led me step by step to receiving Jesus into my heart 7 years ago in God The Most High and Holy Spirit.

Firstly forget relationships until you have worked on your relationship with our Lord Jesus and repented your sins to Him in remorse from your heart in trust and received Holy Absolution from Jesus God Holy Spirit.

Pray for Holy Spirit to illuminate your Heart Soul Mind to all of your sins and for guilt and sorrow for all of your sins flowing through your heart then make a good repentance to Jesus in deep sorrow and remorse.

Keep reading Gods Holy Word asking Jesus and Holy Spirit to illuminate all of your sins for repentance to be made to our Lord Jesus.

Next Step.

O my God i am very sorry that I have sinned against You and with Your help I will not sin again.

Then pray to Jesus His Holy Wound Chaplet that Jesus delivered to Holy Saint Marie Chambon immersing your heart and soul and problems in Jesus Holy Sacred Wounds and Precious Holy Blood asking Jesus to cover you with His Precious Holy Blood.

Then await for our Lord Jesus God Holy Spirits Holy Loving Guidance for a few days. Ask for Gods Holy Saints and Holy Angels and Holy Martyrs and Holy Souls in Heaven of Jesus Christ's to pray for you and with you. Jesus delivered His Holy Words with this being one of His Holy requests for us to do.

The best Holy Divine Counsellor is our Lord Jesus Christ and ask Jesus to remove fornication calling upon Holy Mother Mary and ask Holy Heaven to pray for you, for Gods Holy Angels, Holy Saints Holy Martyrs and Holy Souls in Heaven to pray for you and for your girlfriend and her celibacy until Holy Matrimony in our Lord Jesus Christ God The Most High and Holy Spirit and for our Lord Jesus Holy Divine Will to be done not the earthly will.

harko said:

Once they have laid together and become one flesh can be considered as married

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That's not biblical at all. And has nothing to do with my post anyway.

satan tempts with all of these things.

Keep our Lord Jesus on The Cross close to you.

Remorsefulboy said:

Hi. Before I carry on, what I am about to say next is very sinful and will most likely draw alot of flak from everyone. I hope you will hear what I have to say, and give me (hopefully), a slightly more peaceful state of mind.

So, I cheated on my girlfriend of 3 years and counting, three times. She has forgiven me the first two times, but the third time, it was a moment of lust and I just couldn't control myself. I know, as a Christian, I should not give in to such moments, and should have stopped myself. But, the fact is the deed is done, and I am wondering what should my next course of action be.

I really love my girlfriend. She is the best for me, being there for me when I am emotionally hurt and everything. But, I just felt that there wasn't any physical intimacy at all. We haven't had sex (just putting this fact to clarify things up), and have been pure as much as possible. I am trying to find a way to live with this guilt, [staff edit]. I will work as hard as possible to make my girlfriend the happiest person alive.

I'm lost at a crossroad am I'm just wondering if anyone could tell me that even though I am keeping her in the dark about this 3rd cheating incident, but working as hard as possible to make her happy and prevent such things from happening again, (assuming it really never happens again, since I guess my words can't be trusted since it is the 3rd time happening), it would be the best case scenario?

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This might sound harsh, but you need to deal with your own life as soon as possible. if you can cheat on your girlfriend 3 times, then you would do so just as easily once she is your wife. While being honest to her is a step in the right direction, honesty should be in actions as much as words, and your actions are hollow.

It sounds to me like she is more of a friend than a girl-friend so you need to decide what she is to you and how you see your future and then begin living that future whether it means leaving her, being honest with her or marrying her. But until you have a vision of the future there is more harm in your relationship than good.

the OP marrying this women would be the absolute worst decision he'll ever make and he will effectively ruin this woman's life. DON'T DO IT! using marriage to deal with issues of lust is like using gasoline to put out a fire.

If you really love this woman(which I don't believe you do...at all) you will let her know what you did and confess that you are not mature enough to be in this relationship and that it would be best to end it.

[Staff edit]. If you don't have the decency to turn her loose, someone needs to get in her ear and let her know that she needs to exit stage the other way of this relationship. She probably has her own issues if she's allowing this to go on. forgiveness doesn't involve withholding consequences.

You are not going to turn over a new leaf while remaining in this enabling relationship. This woman is more or less rewarding you for failure by staying. no one changes a behavior when there are no consequences for it and clearly your "guilt" hasn't been that effective.

the right thing to do in this situation is to bring this relationship to a close.