I cheated... feeling guilty

I have not read the whole posts here, but I am confident that my next statements has not been made. You can't cheat on a girlfriend. If she is not your bethrothed, That is the whole point in not being married!!! Next, So obviously fornication is a sin and if you are serious about moving forward with one woman and were pursuing her towards marriage you would not be diddling other women. I don't think you are ready for marriage and I think you should take some time off from your relationship and see why kind of man you want to be.

Remorsefulboy said:

Hi. Before I carry on, what I am about to say next is very sinful and will most likely draw alot of flak from everyone. I hope you will hear what I have to say, and give me (hopefully), a slightly more peaceful state of mind.

So, I cheated on my girlfriend of 3 years and counting, three times. She has forgiven me the first two times, but the third time, it was a moment of lust and I just couldn't control myself. I know, as a Christian, I should not give in to such moments, and should have stopped myself. But, the fact is the deed is done, and I am wondering what should my next course of action be.

I really love my girlfriend. She is the best for me, being there for me when I am emotionally hurt and everything. But, I just felt that there wasn't any physical intimacy at all. We haven't had sex (just putting this fact to clarify things up), and have been pure as much as possible. I am trying to find a way to live with this guilt, [staff edit]. I will work as hard as possible to make my girlfriend the happiest person alive.

I'm lost at a crossroad am I'm just wondering if anyone could tell me that even though I am keeping her in the dark about this 3rd cheating incident, but working as hard as possible to make her happy and prevent such things from happening again, (assuming it really never happens again, since I guess my words can't be trusted since it is the 3rd time happening), it would be the best case scenario?

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Three Step Plan for dealing with sin.
Admit it. Quit it and Forget it.....Guilt is from the enemy, lust is from the enemy...unfaithfulness is your fault....Admit it (Confess it) to Father.1 John 1:9 Quit it..(Go and sin no more) and forget it. Start seeing yourself as the righteousness of God. 2 Corinthians 5:21 and not a sinner
Then get on your knees and crawl back to your girlfriend and pray she will take you back....I've always seen it this way. Once can be an oops..Two or more times says he's not worth a woman keeping him. So you better change that.

GirdYourLoins said:

If you truly love your girlfriend and want to be with her I suggest you get married quickly. Be honest with her about it happening a third time and tell her that you choose her and want to marry her so she can be the one who satisfies you. If she understands it is happening because you are not being physically fulfilled in your relationship with her and you want to do the right thing to rectify that it may well work. Just make sure you dont cheat after you are married.

But you need to be sure that she has desires as well or you could find you end up with someone with a lower level of sexual desire which could result in you feeling unsatisfied if you get married and in the course of time feeling that you need more. I have counselled friends who have gone through that.

If you are compatible and she is prepared to forgive you and get married I would say do it straight away. I know what it is like to burn with desire although I never cheated on my wife once I was with her and we got married in well under a year of meeting.

You also need to deal with the consequences of your cheating. When you sleep with someone the two become one flesh. You need to fully repent and break the ties to the people you cheated with. There is a lot of teaching on "soul ties" which is a new name for dealing with ties or chains to the past. Google it and do some research of your own on it. Also if there are any issues in or ties to your past that need dealing with do it before going further with this relationship to ensure you are free to be completely with your girlfriend/wife.

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Do you really think being married can erase a weakness like that? Nope...If she marries him before he deals with it and gets control of himself, she's a total fool, and she'll get hurt worse. In truth, she should hae kicked him to the curb the second time he did that.

Remorsefulboy said:

Thank you for your advice and i will definitely take a closer look at my walk with God. I will re-evaluate my choices in life and look to God more, and to walk in Jesus Christ's footsteps more from now on.

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You're most welcome.

The good news is you are here, and concerned enough to come here seeking help...great start.

Also, God is patient, he forgives, and he forgives a lot, but IMO there is a point he may run out of patience but I think that may only happen when we don't care if he forgives us or not...that's probably not you so no worries there.

Second chances with God, or even man, are precious...treat them as such.

Remorsefulboy said:

Thank you for your advice. I will marry her as soon as possible, i know i really want her, and I know that in marriage she will be able to satisfy my desires. Do i really have to tell her because there is a high risk for a break up. i know this is really selfish of me but I really really do want her and it was moments of folly. I know these all sound like excuses, but sigh.





Thank you for your straightforwardness and bluntness, i really needed this. I will work towards becoming a better person for sure. But is there anyway i could salvage this situation for the both of us to still end up together?

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Truly friend....If you marry her before you get this thing cleared up you obviously are more in love with you than with her.

Remorsefulboy said:

Hi. Before I carry on, what I am about to say next is very sinful and will most likely draw alot of flak from everyone. I hope you will hear what I have to say, and give me (hopefully), a slightly more peaceful state of mind.

So, I cheated on my girlfriend of 3 years and counting, three times. She has forgiven me the first two times, but the third time, it was a moment of lust and I just couldn't control myself. I know, as a Christian, I should not give in to such moments, and should have stopped myself. But, the fact is the deed is done, and I am wondering what should my next course of action be.

I really love my girlfriend. She is the best for me, being there for me when I am emotionally hurt and everything. But, I just felt that there wasn't any physical intimacy at all. We haven't had sex (just putting this fact to clarify things up), and have been pure as much as possible. I am trying to find a way to live with this guilt, [staff edit]. I will work as hard as possible to make my girlfriend the happiest person alive.

I'm lost at a crossroad am I'm just wondering if anyone could tell me that even though I am keeping her in the dark about this 3rd cheating incident, but working as hard as possible to make her happy and prevent such things from happening again, (assuming it really never happens again, since I guess my words can't be trusted since it is the 3rd time happening), it would be the best case scenario?

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Actually, you should NOT marry her. Clearly, you feel guilty, but what happens when you're married and you cheat a fourth time? I think you should take some time apart. It does not sound like you are ready for marriage, and its not fair to her. If you really loved her, you wouldn't have cheated at all. I know the flesh is weak, and until you can overcome these things, don't make a promise in front of God only to commit adultery later on and get divorced.

I did read previously that you have told your girlfriend about this third incident. That is the most loving thing you couldn've done at this point. To allow her to marry you without knowledge of this third incident would have been deceptive and manipulative. Marriage is a life-altering decision and the decision should be hers and not yours. Thank God for your courage to be truthful with her.

Another brother/sister mentioned ungodly soulties. Ungodly soulties are created with every single person one fornicates with. It is an unhealthy foundation in marriage and is likely the highest ranking cause of many divorces that take place. These ungodly soulties can keep a person anchored to people that will interfere with and destroy a marriage. I believe you shared you have asked God and your girlfriend to forgive you. I pray you address this area by severing all ungodly soulties; give back what you have taken from each person and take yourself back from each person spiritually (mind, body, imagination, heart, soul, emotions, etc.). Any items like keepsakes, pictures, etc. it is best to get rid of them, as they are now altars that evil spirits will use to keep you in that sinful place (there is more to this).

Lastly, taking a look at your family history is in order, since you allowed the urge to overpower you on three separate occasions. You are looking to see if this same type of negative pattern has repeated itself in the relationships of your relatives; near and far. Then take action to address generational curses, if the negative pattern does exist repeatedly in your family tree.

It is true marrying your girlfriend will not, I repeat will not remove it. There are things you are needing to address prior to entering into marriage if you want a lasting one.

When you begin these steps or continue; if you've begun already, God will through your act of faith and repentance begin to show you more that will benefit you, your life and your future.

If she forgives you that is great. Marriages tend to make their own rules, and whilst in an ideal world none of this would happen, it has happened and she seems able to deal with it. Many cannot. So concentrate on the positives, that you both love each other, and go forward. My advice is to get prayed over by your home Church, not to beat yourself up too much, and try to stay together.

Remorsefulboy said:

So, I cheated on my girlfriend of 3 years and counting, three times. She has forgiven me the first two times, but the third time, it was a moment of lust and I just couldn't control myself. I know, as a Christian, I should not give in to such moments, and should have stopped myself. But, the fact is the deed is done, and I am wondering what should my next course of action be.

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Yeah, you aren't anywhere near being ready for marriage - or even for serious dating. You're way too selfish right now. You just can't be selfish in marriage and have it last or be the good thing God intended it to be. And your girlfriend seems willing to enable your selfishness. The two of you together is a marriage catastrophe waiting to happen.

Remorsefulboy said:

I really love my girlfriend.

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No, you don't. Cheating on her three times makes that VERY obvious. You love yourself more than you love her which will make you a thoroughly rotten husband.

Remorsefulboy said:

She is the best for me, being there for me when I am emotionally hurt and everything.

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See what I mean? She's all about you. What about you being there for her. What about you sacrificing everything for her? You willing and able to do that? Not from what I can tell!

Remorsefulboy said:

But, I just felt that there wasn't any physical intimacy at all. We haven't had sex (just putting this fact to clarify things up), and have been pure as much as possible.

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WE have been as pure as possible? No. She has been as pure as possible. You've been carrying on like a randy goat!

Remorsefulboy said:

I'm lost at a crossroad am I'm just wondering if anyone could tell me that even though I am keeping her in the dark about this 3rd cheating incident, but working as hard as possible to make her happy and prevent such things from happening again, (assuming it really never happens again, since I guess my words can't be trusted since it is the 3rd time happening), it would be the best case scenario?

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[Staff edit]. Without God at the center of your life and relationship with your girlfriend, you are going to continue to be selfish and utterly unprepared for marriage.

[Staff edit].

My wife and I went to Christian Counseling before getting married I would highly recommend that to everyone. There was also an issue that I did not exactly wish to share with my wife-to-be but the pastor recommended that I do. Yes he said she might fly the coop. I shared and she didn't. Felt good to have a true fresh clean start.
Happily married 13 years.

M-Bob

Get down on your hands and knees and humble yourself before the lord, asking for forgiveness of your sins. We're all sinners, so I'm not going to pin you into a corner for what you've done but do know that there will be consequences for your actions. You need to be honest with your girlfriend and come to terms that her response may not be in your favor and your relationship may come to an end but if that is the case, then that should make you realize that you need to change your ways for good. These things we can not do alone so ask God to pour his spirit over you and to give you strength to beat your fleshly desires because if this cycle continues with future relationships, you will never gain the trust of a Godly woman and at that point, why should they come to trust you if you continuously break that trust before you're even married. Remember, marriage is a sacred union where one man and one woman become one flesh before God; there is no room in such a union for a third, fourth or fifth party. Open your bible and meditate on God's word, ask the holy spirit to guide you and in times of what feels like a spiritual attack, command any demons to flee in Jesus's name.

I will pray for you, your girlfriend and your future.

Remorsefulboy said:

I really love my girlfriend.

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No you don't. You may care for her but if you really loved your girlfriend you wouldn't have cheated on her the first time. So, don't make false claims.

She is the best for me, being there me for me when I am emotionally hurt and everything. But, I just felt that there wasn't any physical intimacy at all.

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So, she is there for you but you can't do the same for her? You should be honest with her and walk away from the relationship. Your cheating wont stop and you will continue to bring her pain.

She will then be free to find a good man.

Maybe then, you can turn to God for help. God can change what you cannot but it may take some time. Mane years, but if you can allow God's Spirit to work from within, there may be a chance for you to be a man with integrity.

Praying for you

Remorsefulboy said:

Thank you for your advice. I will marry her as soon as possible, i know i really want her, and I know that in marriage she will be able to satisfy my desires. Do i really have to tell her because there is a high risk for a break up. i know this is really selfish of me but I really really do want her and it was moments of folly. I know these all sound like excuses, but sigh.

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Marriage will solve nothing. Whatever problems you have before the marriage you will bring into the marriage. Sorry to be blunt, but many young and naive people seem to think that there is some kind of magic that happens when you get married and your issues just disappear. It might feel like that for the first year or two, but sure enough your pain will surface, her pain will surface. Sex doesn't solve problems. Don't you think she has a right to know what she is signing up for? Don't you think she has the right to evaluate whether she should take the risk to commit to life with a serial cheater? You gain nothing by dishonesty, in fact you make the problem much much worse when it eventually surfaces. The risk of break up is certainly real but a break up is much less painful than a divorce. To be perfectly honest this situation seems like a pretty rotten foundation for a marriage. Let go of what you want and start doing what is good for you and her. It's her call now if she want's to continue the relationship, she has the right to end it. You should let her make this decision on her own without pressure or coercion. If you don't deal with your issue of unfaithfulness now you will be unfaithful in marriage. Ask any relationship councillor and they will tell you that cheaters usually keep cheating. After the honeymoon marriage gets hard, the other person doesn't satisfy your desires.

I'm not saying that you can't change your behavior, you most certainly can. I'm just saying that marriage on its own will do nothing to help you change your behavior. It's not an out from this situation

Boaz308 said:

You can't cheat on a girlfriend. If she is not your bethrothed, That is the whole point in not being married!!!

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This is just silly. Ask yourself how does it feel for her? Does she feel cheated on?

Boaz308 said:

I have not read the whole posts here, but I am confident that my next statements has not been made. You can't cheat on a girlfriend. If she is not your bethrothed, That is the whole point in not being married!!! Next, So obviously fornication is a sin and if you are serious about moving forward with one woman and were pursuing her towards marriage you would not be diddling other women. I don't think you are ready for marriage and I think you should take some time off from your relationship and see why kind of man you want to be.

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Once they have laid together and become one flesh can be considered as married

GirdYourLoins said:

If you truly love your girlfriend and want to be with her I suggest you get married quickly.

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No offense, but this is some of the worst advice I have ever heard. "I'm a serial fornicator who can't be trusted; will you marry me quick?"

Remorsefulboy:

I'd say: Repent of fornicating and then have a medical exam to see if you have contracted any sexual disease(s).

Work on your faith walk, get connected with prayer partners and godly mentors
at church...talk about all this with your minister...ask him to help you connect
with them.



Sex is to be confined within marriage, like the scriptures teach.
You and your gf have been together 3 years and counting, so what plans did you and her make about the future? Like...how long were you going to be dating before getting engaged/getting married? personal goals? individual expectations? honoring God in your lives etc?





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Remorsefulboy said:

Hi. Before I carry on, what I am about to say next is very sinful and will most likely draw alot of flak from everyone. I hope you will hear what I have to say, and give me (hopefully), a slightly more peaceful state of mind.

So, I cheated on my girlfriend of 3 years and counting, three times. She has forgiven me the first two times, but the third time, it was a moment of lust and I just couldn't control myself. I know, as a Christian, I should not give in to such moments, and should have stopped myself. But, the fact is the deed is done, and I am wondering what should my next course of action be.

I really love my girlfriend. She is the best for me, being there for me when I am emotionally hurt and everything. But, I just felt that there wasn't any physical intimacy at all. We haven't had sex (just putting this fact to clarify things up), and have been pure as much as possible. I am trying to find a way to live with this guilt, [staff edit]. I will work as hard as possible to make my girlfriend the happiest person alive.

I'm lost at a crossroad am I'm just wondering if anyone could tell me that even though I am keeping her in the dark about this 3rd cheating incident, but working as hard as possible to make her happy and prevent such things from happening again, (assuming it really never happens again, since I guess my words can't be trusted since it is the 3rd time happening), it would be the best case scenario?

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Hello remorseful boy. I'm a 41 year old baptist who has been married for 21 years. My wife was 18 at the time we were married. I gave my life to the Lord 2 years ago and it has made a huge difference in our relationship. Even though I hadn't cheated on my wife in the physical sense throughout the course of our marriage I can certainly see now that I had cheated my wife from the standpoint of being the type of husband she deserved. I cheated on her with my job, my friends, and most of all my alcoholism. I think their are a few things to consider in your current situation. I try to turn to God's word during the times I feel lost as to what I should do in any situation. I would look at the following verses and make careful consideration of what God would have you do.

Isaiah 25:1 O LORD, thou art my God; I will exalt thee, I will praise thy name; for thou hast done wonderful things; thy counsels of old are faithfulness and truth. (It sounds as though the Holy Spirit is convicting you for your lack of faithfulness to your girlfriend and you know in your heart the behavior isn't right. It also sounds to me that you are torn about telling your girlfriend the "truth" about what has occurred. Faithfulness and truth are both fundamental cornerstones of a relationship with Christ and therefore, since God's word parallels the relationship between a man and his wife with the relationship between Christ and the church, I would take this into careful consideration.

Proverbs 3:6 In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. (Draw close to God first and he will direct you on what you need to do.)

I think one of the most important verses to keep in mind if you love this girl and want to eventually marry her is Romans 8:5 For they that are after the flesh do mind the things of the flesh; but they that are after the Spirit the things of the Spirit. (While your fleshly desires are currently placing you in this position marriage just for the purpose of fulfilling those desires wouldn't be following Christ's model for marriage. This would be like going to church and being baptized because it's a hot day and you would like to cool off. The institution of marriage is more than that, it is a public profession of death to self and becoming a new creature and living your life for someone else, much like baptism is meant to be. Drawing close to God will make you love her soul if she is the one God has chosen for you.

Finally as far as this being the third time this has occurred and your girlfriend forgiving you the first two times... It sounds as though you have been shown grace and your girlfriend has followed a very Christ like approach with your situation. With that being said, the Bible warns that we shouldn't continue our sins just because we have been given grace. Romans 5:20-21 Moreover the law entered, that the offence might abound. But where sin abounded, grace did much more abound: That as sin hath reigned unto death, even so might grace reign through righteousness unto eternal life by Jesus Christ our Lord. Romans 6:1-4 What shall we say then? Shall we continue in sin, that grace may abound? God forbid. How shall we, that are dead to sin, live any longer therein? Know ye not, that so many of us as were baptized into Jesus Christ were baptized into his death? Therefore we are buried with him by baptism into death: that like as Christ was raised up from the dead by the glory of the Father, even so we also should walk in newness of life.

Sorry for the lengthy reply... I hope this helps

There's no way out of this! You have to let this girl know what you have done so she can decide whether she wants to still be with you! Or are you going to carry this around without her knowing! How can you be truthful with God if you can't even be truthful with your own girlfriend! She deserves to know who her future/maybe husband is! Ihope you do the right thing! She has done no wrong but you have !!!!!!!!!!!