Feeling Alone and Worthless

Matthew Frazier

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Hello CF. I have been struggling in the past year with debilitating anxiety and self-esteem issues partly due to the feeling that I have no one to be open or vulnerable with. Throughout the years people have praised me for my gifts of my positive outlook on life, good communication skills and my ability to be open and honest with others, as I have seen in a few posts opening similar forums on social media and here on CF. Most of the time though, it appears that honesty and my desire to open up about my spiritual and anxiety struggles with others is somewhat of a trait that should be stamped out. For instance, at my previous church I was criticized for sharing too much detail in my testimony for how I met Jesus for mission trip prep, and then I eventually left this church because of this episode and losing several other friends who in a similar fashion appeared to be offended my openness with my struggles and history of self esteem issues. People in this community said they would be there for each other, and that particular church was a ground for openness and vulnerability, but this was not what I was seeing. All I saw was people getting offended and interpersonal walls set up so no one could get in. No doubt that I have family members who are solid listeners and accept me, but in more recent times I have been picked on me for being too “offensive” or “dramatic”, and then when I fail to get the help I’m looking for from my parents, I turn to friends for understanding, but there have been various instances when I found out these people end up sharing my secrets that I entrust these friends with. Yes I know that there are those who don’t care about what is happening in my life so I don’t share as much detail as I would with closer friends or family. Yes I am in desperate need of Jesus and a community that demonstrates His character. That’s why I found a safe haven in Christian counseling and increased spending time with a couple of my closest friends, which has partially helped me overcome my anxiety. However, at times it seems as if the world as turn around and left me, and that people have taught me to invalidate my feelings. I have become quiet and introverted, thinking that every time I open my mouth, I will offend someone. I am also terrified of returning to church out of the belief that it is pointless to have a large group of people to confide in if I can’t be open with them or share my hobbies, interests, and gifts with them (I love people, God, the great outdoors, and making people feel very loved), which I did not find at my previous church. No one seems to care about me or try to seek out time with me anymore, so recently I have questioned my value in life. Is it true that authenticity is a worthless trait in relationships/community? How can I overcome these fears of offending someone? Am I really an unlovable nerd? God bless you.
 

Emli

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I'll pray for you. I have been through the same struggle as you, been hurt and rejected for expressing my faith and my longing to live for God alone, and to walk as He walked and to do His will in everything. I've learnt though that when those who do not have that same focus on God sees this, they tend to reject the one who does, out of fear and perhaps pride.

Remember that Jesus went through the same rejection.

"He was despised and rejected by mankind,
a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.
Like one from whom people hide their faces
he was despised, and we held him in low esteem." Isaiah 53:3

Take courage from that! He knows exactly what you are facing, and He is right there with you. And His opinion is all that matters. I've also learnt that this is a sign that you are truly growing in Him.

If you ever want to talk, send me a PM. I would surely also need some support as I'm going through the same struggles, so it would probably be good for both of us. If not, I'll still pray for you. :)

In Christ,
Em
 
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Gregory Thompson

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Reminds me of the room of grace and room of good intentions that John Lynch talks about.
It's okay to be authentic, but a lot of people want nothing to do with that. Pay attention to those who actually want that.
 
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Matthew Frazier

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I'll pray for you. I have been through the same struggle as you, been hurt and rejected for expressing my faith and my longing to live for God alone, and to walk as He walked and to do His will in everything. I've learnt though that when those who does not have that same focus on God sees this, they tend to reject the one who does, out of fear and perhaps pride.

Remember that Jesus went through the same rejection.

"He was despised and rejected by mankind,
a man of suffering, and familiar with pain.
Like one from whom people hide their faces
he was despised, and we held him in low esteem." Isaiah 53:3

Take courage from that! He knows exactly what you are facing, and He is right there with you. And His opinion is all that matters. I've also learnt that this is a sign that you are truly growing in Him.

If you ever want to talk, send me a PM. I would surely also need some support as I'm going through the same struggles, so it would probably be good for both of us. If not, I'll still pray for you. :)

In Christ,
Em
Thank you so much for this kind response, and for being a good friend. Glad I’m not alone in this. I’ll pray for you too!
 
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com7fy8

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Jesus wants us to be the ones who have compassion on people who do not love and understand us.

"He can have compassion on those who are ignorant and going astray, since he himself is also subject to weakness." (Hebrews 5:2)

I think it is good to get to know people so you can know what it is good to share with them, and what will not help them.

And spend time with mature senior Christians who have been through things and have learned how to love.
 
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Matthew Frazier

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Jesus wants us to be the ones who have compassion on people who do not love and understand us.

"He can have compassion on those who are ignorant and going astray, since he himself is also subject to weakness." (Hebrews 5:2)

I think it is good to get to know people so you can know what it is good to share with them, and what will not help them.

And spend time with mature senior Christians who have been through things and have learned how to love.
Amen. Thank you very much! Part of the problem for me was finding people who seemed righteous on the outside but then were most definitely immature in their approach to life. This is very helpful!
 
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com7fy8

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people who seemed righteous on the outside but then were most definitely immature in their approach to life
But I can be that way, too, and so I don't want to have them for competition!! :) lolololol lolololololol

I think it is good to take time to get to know someone. If you put out a lot of things about yourself to a group who does not know you . . . actually, there will be a lot of different reactions. But the ones who don't like it might be the ones who are in your face . . . so it can seem like everyone did not like it :)

But the in-your-face people do not speak for anyone but their own selves :idea:

And some gentle and humble person might quietly tell you he or she appreciated you sharing so openly. But that person might not be a big-name, showy, exciting person . . . but a satisfied person in God's love :) And so we need to become gentle and humble and satisfied so we can appreciate and benefit from sharing with someone who is quiet and caring and not making a big scene about us.
 
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Matthew Frazier

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But I can be that way, too, and so I don't want to have them for competition!! :) lolololol lolololololol

I think it is good to take time to get to know someone. If you put out a lot of things about yourself to a group who does not know you . . . actually, there will be a lot of different reactions. But the ones who don't like it might be the ones who are in your face . . . so it can seem like everyone did not like it :)

But the in-your-face people do not speak for anyone but their own selves :idea:

And some gentle and humble person might quietly tell you he or she appreciated you sharing so openly. But that person might not be a big-name, showy, exciting person . . . but a satisfied person in God's love :) And so we need to become gentle and humble and satisfied so we can appreciate and benefit from sharing with someone who is quiet and caring and not making a big scene about us.
Thank you so much for taking the time to make out this response. The people at my last church placed a large emphasis on Bible study leaders, elders, etc. so you are right, those people were the ones that were in-your-face lol but maybe like @Michael Collum said I can just pay more careful attention to the meek!
 
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Matthew Frazier

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Reminds me of the room of grace and room of good intentions that John Lynch talks about.
It's okay to be authentic, but a lot of people want nothing to do with that. Pay attention to those who actually want that.
Thank you for sharing this link and for empowering me through your words. Thank God that I have the power to ignore those who don’t value my heart and the ability to receive strength through those who value authenticity! Glad it’s not just me being crazy lol
 
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Matthew Frazier

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You arent unloveable. You just need to be around people who can appreciate you.
Thank you so much! It has been very hard to find people who really appreciate me for who I am but I’m thankful that I found such people here on CF! :)
 
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Weathering Storms

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One thing I've had to do (my conversion is an extensive story, too!) is develop several versions of it. I'll tell a new person the short version, and follow with, "Well, there was a lot more to it, too, but tell me about yourself."

Occasionally they say, "No, don't stop!" Many times, people will talk for a few minutes, then say, "Tell me more." Or, they don't, and that's okay, too. Not everyone NEEDS to know everything. Sometimes, it gives ammo to the enemy.

I came to God somewhat late in life - I received the Baptism of the Holy Spirit at age 39. Until then, I thought Christianity was a prayer, getting wet, and being assured of heaven. Now I know it's so much more. But most people want to talk about themselves, about issues that THEY are having. If we are to win souls for God, we must let them talk so that we can gain insight into what they need deep down that God can provide.

It is then that your story becomes important. You then can find a way that your experiences before you came to God were similar, and just listen how God made a life-changing difference in YOUR life. Our testimonies are tools to use to bring others into God's loving arms.
 
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Matthew Frazier

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One thing I've had to do (my conversion is an extensive story, too!) is develop several versions of it. I'll tell a new person the short version, and follow with, "Well, there was a lot more to it, too, but tell me about yourself."

Occasionally they say, "No, don't stop!" Many times, people will talk for a few minutes, then say, "Tell me more." Or, they don't, and that's okay, too. Not everyone NEEDS to know everything. Sometimes, it gives ammo to the enemy.

I came to God somewhat late in life - I received the Baptism of the Holy Spirit at age 39. Until then, I thought Christianity was a prayer, getting wet, and being assured of heaven. Now I know it's so much more. But most people want to talk about themselves, about issues that THEY are having. If we are to win souls for God, we must let them talk so that we can gain insight into what they need deep down that God can provide.

It is then that your story becomes important. You then can find a way that your experiences before you came to God were similar, and just listen how God made a life-changing difference in YOUR life. Our testimonies are tools to use to bring others into God's loving arms.
Thanks for this! I definitely have had moments where I have “spread myself too thin” with controlling people, which opened the way for demonic attacks, especially when I’m weary, so I easily associate with this post. I just hope my life story is worth something.
 
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Bluerose31

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Hello CF. I have been struggling in the past year with debilitating anxiety and self-esteem issues partly due to the feeling that I have no one to be open or vulnerable with. Throughout the years people have praised me for my gifts of my positive outlook on life, good communication skills and my ability to be open and honest with others, as I have seen in a few posts opening similar forums on social media and here on CF. Most of the time though, it appears that honesty and my desire to open up about my spiritual and anxiety struggles with others is somewhat of a trait that should be stamped out. For instance, at my previous church I was criticized for sharing too much detail in my testimony for how I met Jesus for mission trip prep, and then I eventually left this church because of this episode and losing several other friends who in a similar fashion appeared to be offended my openness with my struggles and history of self esteem issues. People in this community said they would be there for each other, and that particular church was a ground for openness and vulnerability, but this was not what I was seeing. All I saw was people getting offended and interpersonal walls set up so no one could get in. No doubt that I have family members who are solid listeners and accept me, but in more recent times I have been picked on me for being too “offensive” or “dramatic”, and then when I fail to get the help I’m looking for from my parents, I turn to friends for understanding, but there have been various instances when I found out these people end up sharing my secrets that I entrust these friends with. Yes I know that there are those who don’t care about what is happening in my life so I don’t share as much detail as I would with closer friends or family. Yes I am in desperate need of Jesus and a community that demonstrates His character. That’s why I found a safe haven in Christian counseling and increased spending time with a couple of my closest friends, which has partially helped me overcome my anxiety. However, at times it seems as if the world as turn around and left me, and that people have taught me to invalidate my feelings. I have become quiet and introverted, thinking that every time I open my mouth, I will offend someone. I am also terrified of returning to church out of the belief that it is pointless to have a large group of people to confide in if I can’t be open with them or share my hobbies, interests, and gifts with them (I love people, God, the great outdoors, and making people feel very loved), which I did not find at my previous church. No one seems to care about me or try to seek out time with me anymore, so recently I have questioned my value in life. Is it true that authenticity is a worthless trait in relationships/community? How can I overcome these fears of offending someone? Am I really an unlovable nerd? God bless you.
You are very lovable! I hope Christian Forums feels like a safe place for you to express your emotions. It is the one place I have to express my feelings. We are happy to hear you express your emotions and we love you here at Christian Forums. I will pray that this can be a place where you feel loved and safe.
 
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However, at times it seems as if the world as turn around and left me, and that people have taught me to invalidate my feelings. I have become quiet and introverted, thinking that every time I open my mouth, I will offend someone.

Listening with empathy is very easy and needed by others.
 
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Jonathan Leo

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Hello CF. I have been struggling in the past year with debilitating anxiety and self-esteem issues partly due to the feeling that I have no one to be open or vulnerable with. Throughout the years people have praised me for my gifts of my positive outlook on life, good communication skills and my ability to be open and honest with others, as I have seen in a few posts opening similar forums on social media and here on CF. Most of the time though, it appears that honesty and my desire to open up about my spiritual and anxiety struggles with others is somewhat of a trait that should be stamped out. For instance, at my previous church I was criticized for sharing too much detail in my testimony for how I met Jesus for mission trip prep, and then I eventually left this church because of this episode and losing several other friends who in a similar fashion appeared to be offended my openness with my struggles and history of self esteem issues. People in this community said they would be there for each other, and that particular church was a ground for openness and vulnerability, but this was not what I was seeing. All I saw was people getting offended and interpersonal walls set up so no one could get in. No doubt that I have family members who are solid listeners and accept me, but in more recent times I have been picked on me for being too “offensive” or “dramatic”, and then when I fail to get the help I’m looking for from my parents, I turn to friends for understanding, but there have been various instances when I found out these people end up sharing my secrets that I entrust these friends with. Yes I know that there are those who don’t care about what is happening in my life so I don’t share as much detail as I would with closer friends or family. Yes I am in desperate need of Jesus and a community that demonstrates His character. That’s why I found a safe haven in Christian counseling and increased spending time with a couple of my closest friends, which has partially helped me overcome my anxiety. However, at times it seems as if the world as turn around and left me, and that people have taught me to invalidate my feelings. I have become quiet and introverted, thinking that every time I open my mouth, I will offend someone. I am also terrified of returning to church out of the belief that it is pointless to have a large group of people to confide in if I can’t be open with them or share my hobbies, interests, and gifts with them (I love people, God, the great outdoors, and making people feel very loved), which I did not find at my previous church. No one seems to care about me or try to seek out time with me anymore, so recently I have questioned my value in life. Is it true that authenticity is a worthless trait in relationships/community? How can I overcome these fears of offending someone? Am I really an unlovable nerd? God bless you.
I left my church too, i once had a so called Christian friend who gossiped about me in bad ways. Just because it's established as a church doesn't mean everything will be ok. Don't let the bad expieriances turn you off people. Would you believe the only friends I have are unbelieving ones! Not that there any help but hey, at least it's companionship. I too have recently went through isolation and loneliness because of having Christian ex friend hurt me. I no longer go to church.

My advise is pick yourself up and get out. Live according to christs standards and keep loving people. You will attract the right people for being yourself, you will find pretenders if you yourself is a pretender. Don't ever leave bad expieriances get you down. Let it be a lesson learned. After all, that how life teaches us
God Bless brother, Jonathan
 
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aiki

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Hello CF. I have been struggling in the past year with debilitating anxiety and self-esteem issues partly due to the feeling that I have no one to be open or vulnerable with. Throughout the years people have praised me for my gifts of my positive outlook on life, good communication skills and my ability to be open and honest with others, as I have seen in a few posts opening similar forums on social media and here on CF. Most of the time though, it appears that honesty and my desire to open up about my spiritual and anxiety struggles with others is somewhat of a trait that should be stamped out.

The Christian life can be reduced to a contest between two things: Self and God. By "Self" I mean that part of you that is self-centered, that is prideful, and occupied with gratifying fleshly impulses. It is that part of you that wants to sit in God's seat in your life, that wants to get the glory rather than God, and that is obsessed with being liked, and accepted, and understood. Self is the ultimate source of all of our sin; it is the root of all the evil that we do. Because this is so, Self and God cannot co-exist. We either live under God's control or the control of Self. We cannot do both. Self is so incorrigibly bent toward evil, however, it is so irremediably against God, that God had to put it to death on the Cross of Christ (Ro. 6:1-18; 8:6, 7), render it powerless there, that we might be new creatures in Christ, free to walk in newness of life with him (2 Cor. 5:17).

Why am I telling you all this? Because you are under the control of Self. This is always made evident by things like low self-esteem, and self-loathing, and fear, doubt, depression, anxiety, a sensitivity to criticism, and a temperament quick to take offense and hurt. None of these things are of God. His Spirit imparts to us love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, faith, etc. (Ga. 5:22, 23) He leads us into a life of self-sacrifice, of death to Self, (Matt. 16:24, 25) not of Self-esteem. The only way to be free from the effects of Self is to die to it. That is, to enter into the truth of your crucifixion with Christ on the cross that has rendered Self powerless in your life (Ro. 6:6).

That’s why I found a safe haven in Christian counseling and increased spending time with a couple of my closest friends, which has partially helped me overcome my anxiety.

To be truly free of anxiety, one must be free of its source which is Self. God has already freed you from it; it remains for you to begin, by faith, to count on it being true (Ro. 6:11) and to live in the truth of your death to Self by your co-crucifixion with Christ. As you do, you will find anxiety, and depression, and the power of sinful, fleshly impulses dissolved. Your friends and counseling cannot replace what it is God has done for you in this regard through and in Christ.

No one seems to care about me or try to seek out time with me anymore, so recently I have questioned my value in life.

Your value has nothing to do with what others may or may not do to, or with, you. You are valuable because God made you and made you in His image. No one can take that value from you. It is Self that attaches importance to being accepted and loved by others, that prompts you to connect your value to your standing in the eyes of others. The only One in whose eyes you ought to desire a good standing is God.

How can I overcome these fears of offending someone? Am I really an unlovable nerd? God bless you.

See above.

God bless you, too.
 
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Matthew Frazier

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You are very lovable! I hope Christian Forums feels like a safe place for you to express your emotions. It is the one place I have to express my feelings. We are happy to hear you express your emotions and we love you here at Christian Forums. I will pray that this can be a place where you feel loved and safe.
Thanks @Luin!!!!! As a new member I have enjoyed using CF so far and have been overwhelmed by the love and support you guys have shown me.
 
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2PhiloVoid

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Hello CF. I have been struggling in the past year with debilitating anxiety and self-esteem issues partly due to the feeling that I have no one to be open or vulnerable with. Throughout the years people have praised me for my gifts of my positive outlook on life, good communication skills and my ability to be open and honest with others, as I have seen in a few posts opening similar forums on social media and here on CF. Most of the time though, it appears that honesty and my desire to open up about my spiritual and anxiety struggles with others is somewhat of a trait that should be stamped out. For instance, at my previous church I was criticized for sharing too much detail in my testimony for how I met Jesus for mission trip prep, and then I eventually left this church because of this episode and losing several other friends who in a similar fashion appeared to be offended my openness with my struggles and history of self esteem issues. People in this community said they would be there for each other, and that particular church was a ground for openness and vulnerability, but this was not what I was seeing. All I saw was people getting offended and interpersonal walls set up so no one could get in. No doubt that I have family members who are solid listeners and accept me, but in more recent times I have been picked on me for being too “offensive” or “dramatic”, and then when I fail to get the help I’m looking for from my parents, I turn to friends for understanding, but there have been various instances when I found out these people end up sharing my secrets that I entrust these friends with. Yes I know that there are those who don’t care about what is happening in my life so I don’t share as much detail as I would with closer friends or family. Yes I am in desperate need of Jesus and a community that demonstrates His character. That’s why I found a safe haven in Christian counseling and increased spending time with a couple of my closest friends, which has partially helped me overcome my anxiety. However, at times it seems as if the world as turn around and left me, and that people have taught me to invalidate my feelings. I have become quiet and introverted, thinking that every time I open my mouth, I will offend someone. I am also terrified of returning to church out of the belief that it is pointless to have a large group of people to confide in if I can’t be open with them or share my hobbies, interests, and gifts with them (I love people, God, the great outdoors, and making people feel very loved), which I did not find at my previous church. No one seems to care about me or try to seek out time with me anymore, so recently I have questioned my value in life. Is it true that authenticity is a worthless trait in relationships/community? How can I overcome these fears of offending someone? Am I really an unlovable nerd? God bless you.

Maybe, just try to learn more about the wide extent to which individual people--even Christians--are able to hear and digest other people's problems. Sometimes, these other Christian people have problems of their own, and when they hear people like yourself who are willing to open up on a larger scale, that discourages them because they're struggling to 'come out' and express the fact that they've got their own sins.

And I say this as one educated in the social sciences, so just realize that not everyone is prepared emotionally to hear a testimony and all it entails and thereby appreciate it. In an ideal world, they would, but being that we still live in a fallen (and stressful) world, not everyone can handle everyone else's "stories."

Peace,
2PhiloVoid
 
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