So tired of it. Its been over a year, which may not sound like a lot, but every painful minute counts. I keep wanting to blame my sister, and other people, which is totally unfair. I find it hard to forgive them, even though they're not doing anything wrong, they're just.. Very triggering to my eating disorder. Like whenever my sister reads nutrition labels, I feel so much hate. I can't forgive her, because I can't forgive myself. I'm honestly so ashamed at myself because I feel like throughout my entire life I've always been in the shadows, not doing things and having anxiety because my sister wasn't allowed to do things and she had anxiety. I know it sounds weird probably, but it almost like I've compared myself to her my entire life, and I can't forgive myself and I feel like I cant forgive her. And I can't forgive myself for not forgiving her, its so messy, and I know I'm being unfair and unreasonable. Even my eating disorder started because I noticed how she was skinny and pretty, and I wanted to be skinny, so I tried to eat less than her. And because she's older than me, of course she's allowed to eat less and skip meals, but me (I was 14), I hated that she ate so little, so even though I now know that I needed food because I'm growing, I starved myself to eat less than her. There were days when the only things she ate were a bowl of spaghetti and ice cream in the morning, and then nothing else. Other days, even worse, even less. I hated myself that I felt like I was binging because she always ate less than me. The worst part is that she's already been through/going through depression and dark night of the soul, so I should be happy that's she's doing better. But I guess I'm more jealous. Another thing is that she can be selfish, because she spent her life giving too much to others, so she has to be 'selfish', if you know what I mean. Like I feel like whenever we talk, it always leads back to her. And I always get irritated at how insecure she is already. But I still feel like she is better than me physically and spiritually, and yeah. That was a really long vent, it feels really good to have gotten that all of my chest.
