Is it just me?

Zeyi said:

Hi everyone,
My name is Zeyi 38, a widow of 7 years; was only married for 2 years.
Its been tough coping especially since my parents died when I was still a teen.
I know for sure that God is good and have come to terms with the loss of my husband...
What I want to know is if this is it....just basically putting one foot in front of the other and trying to keep my head above the waters. Is this it?
I have an amazing daughter who I love to bits...and I am grateful for her presence in my life.
I just keep wondering if I am the only one who feels somewhat hollow and asks themselves - Is this it?

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Most people fail to find others to help in life and so feel hollow just helping themselves to exist.

SkyWriting said:

Most people fail to find others to help in life and so feel hollow just helping themselves to exist.

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I hope this post wasn't meant to be as arrogant as it sounds....

I am almost at 9 years as a widow. I have two wonderful almost adult kids that I love. I also feel empty and struggle to find a place in this world without him. AND I work as a nurse helping others as my occupation. This hollowness is more than finding others to "help" though it helps.

I think I sort of feel sort of between worlds now...I am stuck here living life but it is very different than before.

I also feel so alone...

blackribbon said:

I hope this post wasn't meant to be as arrogant as it sounds....

I am almost at 8 years as a widow. I have two wonderful almost adult kids that I love. I also feel empty and struggle to find a place in this world without him. AND I work as a nurse helping others as my occupation. This hollowness is more than finding others to "help" though it helps.

I think I sort of feel sort of between worlds now...I am stuck here living life but it is very different than before.

I also feel so alone...

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This is common for nurses. My family is full of nurses and they exhaust themselves being compassionate at work and have little left for the "real" world. They get bitter and hard becasue of so many temporary people to care about in real need, that the rest of the world looks like whiners.

SkyWriting said:

This is common for nurses. My family is full of nurses and they exhaust themselves being compassionate at work and have little left for the "real" world. They get bitter and hard becasue of so many temporary people to care about in real need, that the rest of the world looks like whiners.

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So none of it has to do with my husband dying in my arms and having to raise my kids alone. I am fully capable of being compassion to both my patients AND hurting people who are not in the hospital....but thanks for judging me tonight. The person who appears to lack compassion is you.

I am not sure what this has to do with the emptiness left when our spouses die. As rude as you are, I would not wish this life on you.

Do you believe telling us that we need to help other people to feel fulfilled is "supporting"? Being a single parent who is taking on both parental roles is pretty time consuming and exhausting. Why are you posting in the widow/widowers board? I believe the Bible says that the church is to help the widow...not to send them to help everyone else.

blackribbon said:

So none of it has to do with my husband dying in my arms and having to raise my kids alone.

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That wasn't in your post, so my response could not cover that.

blackribbon said:

I am fully capable of being compassion to both my patients AND hurting people who are not in the hospital....but thanks for judging me tonight. The person who appears to lack compassion is you.

I am not sure what this has to do with the emptiness left when our spouses die. As rude as you are, I would not wish this life on you.

Do you believe telling us that we need to help other people to feel fulfilled is "supporting"? Being a single parent who is taking on both parental roles is pretty time consuming and exhausting. Why are you posting in the widow/widowers board? I believe the Bible says that the church is to help the widow...not to send them to help everyone else.

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I'm just relating to you how cold nurses are outside of work and why that can happen. You are not alone, as per your question. Your situation is common that people can't find meaning in life. You said your existence seems hollow and meaningless. I never hinted that it was. How my first wife died is not relevant, in my opinion. If you need me to tell you of my misery, then I'm just not up to it. Sorry.

My advice is always the same and non-judgmental.
The solution to hopelessness, hollowness, or lack of meaning is physically caring for others.
As a longtime caregiver who nearly died helping others, I remain behind my advice.
You have no obligation to take my advice or even read it.

SkyWriting said:

I'm just relating to you how cold nurses are outside of work and why that can happen. You are not alone, as per your question. Your situation is common that people can't find meaning in life. You said your existence seems hollow and meaningless. I never hinted that it was. How my first wife died is not relevant, in my opinion. If you need me to tell you of my misery, then I'm just not up to it. Sorry.

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My life has a lot of value and purpose. I actually became a nurse because of my husband death to give my life more purpose. The hollowness and emptiness of being alone after they die has nothing to do with lacking a purpose. It has to do with the loss of someone significant. Just as a someone who loses a child doesn't make that pain go away by having another. They simply have new love to go with extreme loss but they always feel the loss the missing child.

And in response to the OP, I have several widowed friends of both sexes and that is a common feeling (all who have significant purposes in their lives along with raising kids alone).

there seems to be a choice to make when you loose you Husband or wife.
I lost my wife 14 years ago immediately following an operation. This in itself puts many questions into ones mind, not least was it anyone fault. ( my son in law a Doctor checked the death certificate and gave me some reassurance) however it is a considerable shock to lose someone so unexpectedly.
Getting back to the choices you have to make, which probably depends considerably on ones age. The major Choice is deciding what to do with the rest of your life. It is actually better to have a plan than just drift into things. Just like when you are a teem starting out in life, If you do not have a plan or target, there is no hope of hitting it. Drifting is not an option.
I was retired and coming up 71 when my wife died she had been 64. I made the decision to carry on as a widower with no thought of remarrying... this or the reverse is something you have to make your mind up about. or you can waste a lot of time feeling sorry for yourself and wasting such energy as you have chasing shadows. For me it was the right decision.

At first. daily living is enough of a struggle. And it must be doubly hard for any one supporting a family and having to earn a living. but what ever our situation it presents us with much the same problems as a similar but divorced person or single parent.
However you do not get over your loss, you live with it.

One thing I did was make an Altar and table lectern, for the side chapel of our church. In honour of God and in memory of my wife.

I hand made it in Welsh pippy oak, in my home workshop. What with getting the necessary permissions, faculty and the acceptance of the plans by the Diocese. it took over four months to complete. By which time in an amalgam of love and grief, I had come to accept my new situation.

We all have to find our own journey, but do not expect it to end, it continues.

It was very humbling to witness the Bishop set aside, and consecrate the new Altar

E-Bishop-Service_114web by Terry Andrews, on Flickr

E-Bishop-Service_115web by Terry Andrews, on Flickr

I just joined the CF today, so I am new to all this, but I would like to take a shot at your post. I am a caregiver too. So I can relate to you on that level. My clients are elderly, as am I. We just visit, basically. I help them with things that are too difficult for them too.

My hubby passed in 2005. After a few years of grieving, I did start to make a new life for myself. I joined Forums online, started going to the Senior Center, and made a few friends in my neighborhood. Not everything went smoothly, but I did have some success in some areas of my life.

I think the important thing is to make new interests in your life. Take a painting class, or join a social club. Get a pet, or take up writing a blog. Having new and interesting things in your life makes a huge difference!