Tormented

DCJH · Dec 1, 2017

I was married for 18 1/2 years/dated for 3 1/2 before that. My divorce was initiated in March and final in May of this year.
I had been unhappy for a long time with a very unaffectionate, unloving and volatile marriage. He has an addiction to inappropriate content and alcohol, however, it was rare for the alcohol to cause obvious issues....but he drinks everyday and can't stop. His father is an alcoholic.
He has had an issue with inappropriate content our entire marriage, if not before, which has destroyed my self esteem and caused serious problems with intimacy. Last summer when I discovered it was still going on, he lied incessantly about it until I just refused to believe what he was saying and he (sort of) came clean... it almost destroyed our marriage then...he swore he was done with it, was sorry, was willing to do anything. After about a month of indecision, I decided to give it another chance. He said he was getting help with the inappropriate content. I gave in to his request for more sex and he attempted to show more affection (however, it always felt manufactured...like I'll do this if you do that). In January, I found out about some disturbing health issues and when sex was temporarily off the table, so was his forced attempts at affection/attention. I grew extremely resentful and it showed. Very shortly after, (less than two weeks) I caught him yet again using inappropriate contentography. Once again he tried to lie about it. At that point I was done. He appeared to be devastated but pushed the divorce through fast track, turning down my offer to let the dust settle and try a legal separation instead. He immediately (before papers were filed) joined a dating site which I accidentally found out about. At that point I asked him to find somewhere else to live. The fighting was happening around our kids and it was no longer a good environment for them. I'm going to fast forward a little....in the span of 5 months, he had sex with 4 different women, 4 off the dating site and one from Facebook he knew before we were married but never dated. He used no protection with any of them.
He approached me about reconciling a few times. Once sending me an email about what we would need to do and asking me to take the weekend to think about it. He told me he had plans with the one from Facebook but he cancelled them and broke things off with her until he got an answer from me. The next morning I went by his place and she had spent the night. He admitted to sleeping with her. He called her infront of me and broke things off. He was devestated and said he'd do anything. I then found out about a myriad of additional lies he had told. He's threatened suicide many times and did it again at this time. A few days later he got mad about financial stuff and started being horrible again. For the last two weeks he is back to saying he will do anything, go to counseling, whatever it takes...he just wants me back and our family back. He has been going to counseling on his own (maybe 3 times) and is sending me blogs about reconciliation to read/follow. The holidays have made this time very difficult. I do miss my family unit. I miss who I once thought he was. I am torn between wanting to give him a chance because of the life we had and our children...and wanting to shut the door for good and start actually healing and moving forward. I am riddled with guilt over feeling like I should have tried harder before walking away....Now there is all of this other stuff I don't know how to get past (mainly all of the unprotected sex with random out of town women). I keep praying about it trying to get a clear path from God & I just don't have one yet. If he is completely willing to give it his all am I supposed to trust that and explore a reconciliation? Or would it be crazy to think its any different this time? Any advice would be so appreciated.

Goatee · Dec 1, 2017

You need to seek professional help, not just random posts off of the internet.

The man had sex with various women. Unprotected too!

Please, I know you pray to God for guidance but, you need to seek professional help too.

God bless you

DCJH · Dec 1, 2017

Thanks for your response. I am in therapy, however, I was hoping to hear insite from other christians, maybe someone in a similar situation who is farther down the road.
Maybe someone who overcame these hurdles ...or thoughts on if it isn't reasonable to expect to be able to.
I pray constantly. Im just lost right now.

paul1149 · Dec 1, 2017

I'm not one to quickly say close the door and never look back. God can change anyone. But enough repeated lying and manipulation has gone on here that a sustained period of repentance on his part would be necessary for me to expose myself to more hurt, were I you. If you make it too easy for him, he will almost certainly fall back into his habitual weaknesses. He needs an environment of hard accountability to reorganize his moral grid. And at this stage that's probably best effected while separate.

The adultery brings up health risks, and I think that too needs time to prove the risk has abated, before you resume relations.

If it does come to closing the door and not looking back, then so be it. Shake the dust from your sandals and let your peace return to you. God has called us to peace, so let His peace that passes understanding return and guard your heart and mind (philippians 4). The book Love Must be Tough, by Dobson, might be encouraging.

Bro. Daniel · Dec 1, 2017

DCJH said:
Thanks for your response. I am in therapy, however, I was hoping to hear insite from other christians, maybe someone in a similar situation who is farther down the road.
Maybe someone who overcame these hurdles ...or thoughts on if it isn't reasonable to expect to be able to.
I pray constantly. Im just lost right now.

I recommend doing a google search on deliverance from spirit spouses or spirit husband and spirit wife and how to get rid of them through deliverance prayers and you get a lot of answers from what you're experiencing. I recommend the same same for your ex prior to getting back together. Doors can be opened for satanic attacks in this matter through sinful actions such as adultery, fornication, lust, unequally yoked marriages, masturbation, inappropriate contentography, marrying the wrong spouse, premarital sex, sexual or immoral sins, and many others that are graphic in nature and even subtle such as tattoos.

Spirit spouses are not human nor are spirit children. They all destroy a person's spiritual foundation in God until they can bring them to Sheol after they die. They tear marriages apart and destroy families. This especially happens if one of the partners are trying to get closer to God and the other refuses. They will torment a person with depression and oppression urging them to commit suicide or murder especially if satan knows their time is about to expire on the earth because they refuse to come to God or do not get sufficient help in time after God has given them grace period to repent.

Matthew 7:24-27 teaches if we build our foundations upon a rock who is God (Psalm 18:2) our foundations will be solid unlike those who build them on sand. This allegory is the same with sin. Should we build our foundation off of sinful behavior, we fall. To justify sinful behavior is sin as well.

Psalm 11:3 - teaches if our foundations are destroyed in God what can we do?
If the foundations be destroyed, what can the righteous do?

This causes many problems in the future such as constant arguments, strife, contention, things going wrong, emotional imbalances, children going astray, etc.

Thus we return to God to repair it through repentance, ask God forgiveness and strength in the areas where we are weak as He can only do this for us.

This form of deliverance requires a lot of repentance and asking God forgiveness through prayer and fasting led by the Holy Spirit in many areas where a believer has gone wrong. Certain things are then removed out of a person's life to maintain that freedom in Christ. This is a very deep subject matter with lengthy procedures and you will find a lot out about it once you do the search.

I pray you get deliverance from this situation and many blessings unto you.

JAM2b · Dec 2, 2017

My ex cheated on me repeatedly throughout our marriage and even when we were still engaged. He gave me STD because he was reckless and uncaring. We were married for 11 years, and in all those years he did not change, not even when we were separated and he was claiming he wanted me back and didn't want to loose me.

Your life, your health, your self-worth, and your future with your children and grandchildren are far more important than a marriage that he destroyed.

Even if he has repented and really, really won't ever do it again, it has not been long enough to prove. There has not been enough healing time. If I were you, I would cease communication with him about getting back together. Rekindling an unhealthy marriage while you are still wounded and confused is probably the biggest mistake you can make right now. Your children need to see you make healthy choices and to do what is right so that they can follow that example and gain strength and healing from what they witness in you.

DCJH · Dec 2, 2017

Thank you for your responses.
Just to be clear, the unprotected sex with multiple women came after the divorce. Not that that changes the health risk, or the hurt, but that didn't happen during the marriage. He did begin seeking out relationships through the dating sites before we were divorced, but according to him never met up until after everything was final.
inappropriate contentography and repeated lying on top of an emotionally abusive relationship were the causes of the divorce.
This is why I feel so much guilt over the divorce.

JAM2b · Dec 2, 2017

I understand.

I still think it is too soon to consider moving forward with him. You have some very deep wounds he caused, and there has not be adequate time for healing or for assessing true change of character. I don't think it matters that his physical adultery did not occur until after you divorced. The root of the sin was always present. Jesus says that if person simply lusts, they have committed adultery.

He has obviously made choices as a reaction to his own woundedness and unhappiness and lack of self-control. I think his bid to reconcile is a continuation of that. He doesn't like the pain he is feeling now, so his remedy to make himself happy again by getting you back. You can't fix brokenness with relationship or with trying to find happiness. He needs healing, not a second chance marriage.

If you make choices based on emotion (guilt or loneliness or whatever) the choices are not made for the right reason and are not likely to be healthy or long lasting. It won't solve the problem; it only gives an illusion of happiness and being OK.

There is a really good Bible study/support group program called Divorce Care. They have Divorce Care for Kids as well. The meetings are usually held in churches. It helps you navigate the emotions of separation and divorce and what to do next. It talks about what Scripture says about these issues, and it offers encouragement and support while you are going through these things. I think it could be beneficial for you to see if there is a group near you.

DivorceCare - Divorce Recovery Support Groups - DivorceCare

Angeleyes7715 · Dec 2, 2017

DCJH said:
I was married for 18 1/2 years/dated for 3 1/2 before that. My divorce was initiated in March and final in May of this year.
I had been unhappy for a long time with a very unaffectionate, unloving and volatile marriage. He has an addiction to inappropriate content and alcohol, however, it was rare for the alcohol to cause obvious issues....but he drinks everyday and can't stop. His father is an alcoholic.
He has had an issue with inappropriate content our entire marriage, if not before, which has destroyed my self esteem and caused serious problems with intimacy. Last summer when I discovered it was still going on, he lied incessantly about it until I just refused to believe what he was saying and he (sort of) came clean... it almost destroyed our marriage then...he swore he was done with it, was sorry, was willing to do anything. After about a month of indecision, I decided to give it another chance. He said he was getting help with the inappropriate content. I gave in to his request for more sex and he attempted to show more affection (however, it always felt manufactured...like I'll do this if you do that). In January, I found out about some disturbing health issues and when sex was temporarily off the table, so was his forced attempts at affection/attention. I grew extremely resentful and it showed. Very shortly after, (less than two weeks) I caught him yet again using inappropriate contentography. Once again he tried to lie about it. At that point I was done. He appeared to be devastated but pushed the divorce through fast track, turning down my offer to let the dust settle and try a legal separation instead. He immediately (before papers were filed) joined a dating site which I accidentally found out about. At that point I asked him to find somewhere else to live. The fighting was happening around our kids and it was no longer a good environment for them. I'm going to fast forward a little....in the span of 5 months, he had sex with 4 different women, 4 off the dating site and one from Facebook he knew before we were married but never dated. He used no protection with any of them.
He approached me about reconciling a few times. Once sending me an email about what we would need to do and asking me to take the weekend to think about it. He told me he had plans with the one from Facebook but he cancelled them and broke things off with her until he got an answer from me. The next morning I went by his place and she had spent the night. He admitted to sleeping with her. He called her infront of me and broke things off. He was devestated and said he'd do anything. I then found out about a myriad of additional lies he had told. He's threatened suicide many times and did it again at this time. A few days later he got mad about financial stuff and started being horrible again. For the last two weeks he is back to saying he will do anything, go to counseling, whatever it takes...he just wants me back and our family back. He has been going to counseling on his own (maybe 3 times) and is sending me blogs about reconciliation to read/follow. The holidays have made this time very difficult. I do miss my family unit. I miss who I once thought he was. I am torn between wanting to give him a chance because of the life we had and our children...and wanting to shut the door for good and start actually healing and moving forward. I am riddled with guilt over feeling like I should have tried harder before walking away....Now there is all of this other stuff I don't know how to get past (mainly all of the unprotected sex with random out of town women). I keep praying about it trying to get a clear path from God & I just don't have one yet. If he is completely willing to give it his all am I supposed to trust that and explore a reconciliation? Or would it be crazy to think its any different this time? Any advice would be so appreciated.

I'm not married, but my bf has bad habits... It's a bit different, but in your case id break off all contact get rid of him off Facebook and find a distraction to not think of him. No just no. It's not going to be different suddenly.

He had sex with 4 different women that fast doesn't seem to know what he wants. This seems more like a mental illness than anything else. He's gotta figure out his own mental issues and personally I say it sounds like he needs way way too much work to be in a relationship.

Its gotta be hard though because you have kids but literally if you keep going back it's going to be like this for the rest of your life until he fixes himself.

vinsight4u · Dec 2, 2017

paul1149 · Dec 2, 2017

DCJH said:
inappropriate contentography and repeated lying on top of an emotionally abusive relationship were the causes of the divorce.
This is why I feel so much guilt over the divorce.

Why? Do you feel you did not have sufficient grounds? If so, you could be supportive of him doing what he has to do to make permanent changes. But do it from a safe distance. Being too close to the problem will not help him, and will suck you in again. If he does prove to be serious, and makes the permanent changes, you can deal with that later on.

vinsight4u · Dec 2, 2017

vinsight4u · Dec 2, 2017

vinsight4u · Dec 2, 2017

vinsight4u · Dec 2, 2017

DCJH · Dec 2, 2017

paul1149 said:
Why? Do you feel you did not have sufficient grounds? If so, you could be supportive of him doing what he has to do to make permanent changes. But do it from a safe distance. Being too close to the problem will not help him, and will suck you in again. If he does prove to be serious, and makes the permanent changes, you can deal with that later on.

I have felt like there was biblical grounds. He was having sexual encounters with these women. If he had hired a prostitute to lay on the bed and touch while he watched and did the same...how is that any different? Because there was separation by a computer screen? However, I just feel (now) there was a possibility (then) (maybe) I could have gotten past or been willing to try when that is what we faced. Now there is so much more involved, including my own health risks. So I feel guilty almost as if I've brought this on myself because I left instead of trying harder. I guess that is pointless and when I read this it's hard for me to believe these feelings would be from God.

paul1149 · Dec 2, 2017

God's conviction is clean, and does not torment. For instance, James 1 says we should ask for wisdom when we lack it, and God will not reproach. And james 3 gives the characteristics of heavenly wisdom, which is well worth reading, and peaceableness is #2 on the list.

Even under the Law, God's ways were not tormenting:

The law of the LORD is perfect, restoring the soul;
The testimony of the LORD is sure, making wise the simple. - Psa 19:7

I think if you read your first post again, it will remind you that you tried everything to keep it alive, including the critical step of suggesting separation rather than divorce, but that he responded by jumping into the divorce. It seems to me that your bases are pretty much covered, and that you shouldn't be allowing this torment to continue. And it may take you making up your mind that the torment is not right, and saying No to it when it tries to crop back up, to stop it.

If all that sounds right to you, you still perhaps could make clear to him that you support as a friend his efforts to get better, but at a safe distance that keeps you from getting too close for anyone's good - primarily your own, but really, everyone's. The thing is to "seek peace and pursue it", and "as much as it depends on you, be at peace with all men", no matter where it leads.

The Lord definitely wants you free and at peace:

For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery. - Gal 5:1 ESV

Kdutree · Jan 4, 2018

DCJH said:
I was married for 18 1/2 years/dated for 3 1/2 before that. My divorce was initiated in March and final in May of this year.
I had been unhappy for a long time with a very unaffectionate, unloving and volatile marriage. He has an addiction to inappropriate content and alcohol, however, it was rare for the alcohol to cause obvious issues....but he drinks everyday and can't stop. His father is an alcoholic.
He has had an issue with inappropriate content our entire marriage, if not before, which has destroyed my self esteem and caused serious problems with intimacy. Last summer when I discovered it was still going on, he lied incessantly about it until I just refused to believe what he was saying and he (sort of) came clean... it almost destroyed our marriage then...he swore he was done with it, was sorry, was willing to do anything. After about a month of indecision, I decided to give it another chance. He said he was getting help with the inappropriate content. I gave in to his request for more sex and he attempted to show more affection (however, it always felt manufactured...like I'll do this if you do that). In January, I found out about some disturbing health issues and when sex was temporarily off the table, so was his forced attempts at affection/attention. I grew extremely resentful and it showed. Very shortly after, (less than two weeks) I caught him yet again using inappropriate contentography. Once again he tried to lie about it. At that point I was done. He appeared to be devastated but pushed the divorce through fast track, turning down my offer to let the dust settle and try a legal separation instead. He immediately (before papers were filed) joined a dating site which I accidentally found out about. At that point I asked him to find somewhere else to live. The fighting was happening around our kids and it was no longer a good environment for them. I'm going to fast forward a little....in the span of 5 months, he had sex with 4 different women, 4 off the dating site and one from Facebook he knew before we were married but never dated. He used no protection with any of them.
He approached me about reconciling a few times. Once sending me an email about what we would need to do and asking me to take the weekend to think about it. He told me he had plans with the one from Facebook but he cancelled them and broke things off with her until he got an answer from me. The next morning I went by his place and she had spent the night. He admitted to sleeping with her. He called her infront of me and broke things off. He was devestated and said he'd do anything. I then found out about a myriad of additional lies he had told. He's threatened suicide many times and did it again at this time. A few days later he got mad about financial stuff and started being horrible again. For the last two weeks he is back to saying he will do anything, go to counseling, whatever it takes...he just wants me back and our family back. He has been going to counseling on his own (maybe 3 times) and is sending me blogs about reconciliation to read/follow. The holidays have made this time very difficult. I do miss my family unit. I miss who I once thought he was. I am torn between wanting to give him a chance because of the life we had and our children...and wanting to shut the door for good and start actually healing and moving forward. I am riddled with guilt over feeling like I should have tried harder before walking away....Now there is all of this other stuff I don't know how to get past (mainly all of the unprotected sex with random out of town women). I keep praying about it trying to get a clear path from God & I just don't have one yet. If he is completely willing to give it his all am I supposed to trust that and explore a reconciliation? Or would it be crazy to think its any different this time? Any advice would be so appreciated.

I would say to you as another person mentioned, seek professional counseling to help you work through the psychological and emotional damage that the infidelity and addictions caused you. Seek God for deliverance, healing and restoration not only for yourself but for the kids as well.

I do not like to tell a person to leave a marriage or stay but in this case I will speak of what I would do if it were me. I would not stay in such a marriage. This appear to be a very abusive marriage that not only hurt and expose you to physical and spiritual torment but also exposes your children to the same (openness for mental and spiritual problems, hinge generational/lineage curses).

On the other hand, if you feel that God gave you a grace to stick by your husband (if you didn't divorce) I would have still separated, sought professional Christian marriage counseling, either obstained from sexual intercourse or used protection until recovery was visible.

I pray God heal and restore everyone involved in this.

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