Bible Study On Divorce and Remarriage from Abandoned Christian Husband

RDKirk · Aug 10, 2013

AbandonedHusband said:
I think its important to correctly parse "put away" and "divorce" as our modern Bible translations tend to get that incorrect. However, there are a few authors that go too far down this path for me. They note that Jesus always uses "put away" in Matthew, Mark and Luke, and conclude that adultery is only the result because the proper divorce papers have not be drawn up. While technically their word study is correct, I think that they miss the point:

1. The point of the Jesus words is unarguably that Jesus affirms Gods plan for lifelong marriage and sternly rebukes the practice of Hillite divorce. Parsing Jesus words as described makes it seem like His point was that the crowds needed to line up with the local scribes and get their divorce papers finalized. Had that been so, the disciples would not have found his teaching to be difficult.

2. A man who was initiating an improper divorce would already be guilty of putting away his wife in his heart. Filing the proper divorce paperwork does not take away that sin, or erase the "putting away". Even if it does take away the technical adultery under Jewish law, the entire point of Matthew 5 is that God looks at the heart, not technical obedience to the law.

Yes, that's true.

There are two principles illustrated here. One is the principle of increased performance from covenant to covenant. God makes a greater promise, and as well, an increased level of performance is expected of man.

Man had totally fallen from God's ideal of marriage as expressed by Adam and Eve. Moses required an increased permanence in that respect, but not perfectly "because of the hardness of their hearts."

Jesus, by the New Covenant requires an even higher level of performance. Thus, by the Mosaic Law, it was "thou shalt not commit adultery." By the New Covenant, the expected performance is "thou shalt not even consider adultery."

The second principle is the concept that God recognizes man is in a fallen world, and in consideration of that, God authorizes actions without declaring them righteous. Divorce is one of those. Capital punishment by the king is another. Even the fact that lions eat lambs is an example. None of things "were this way in the beginning" and do not represent God's dispositional will. God has authorized them in this fallen world, but they are not righteous.

dayhiker · Aug 12, 2013

Ya, David Instone-Brewer's book was the book that finally helped me understand what the Bible was saying about divorce. Great book. When I studied divorce in my 20's I didn't see any way to honestly put all the verses together in the Bible that talked about divorce. As the saying goes, it would be better to kill someone than to divorce them as murder is forgivable and divorce isn't. That was why I much of the teaching on divorce never made any sense to me for 35 years.

AbandonedHusband · Aug 12, 2013

I agree, Instone-Brewer's book is the cream of the crop. I don't necessarily agree with all of his editorial comments, but the factual (and well foot-noted) portion of the book contributed much to my understanding of the cultural background against which Jesus spoke.

Sometimes this subject just makes my head hurt

I've read just about everything I can find at this point, and still I keep asking myself why God wasn't more clear in His scripture on this subject. It doesn't help that I continually have the words of my "indissoluble marriage" upbringing ringing in my ears, and the intellectual guilt of changing my belief to suit my need.

AbandonedHusband · Aug 14, 2013

Hosea 6:6 "I desire mercy, not sacrifice"

Matthew 12:7 "If you had known what these words mean, 'I desire mercy not sacrifice,' you would not have condemned the innocent".

Matthew 9:13 "But go and learn what this means: 'I desire mercy, not sacrifice.'"

James 2: "Judgment without mercy will be shown to anyone who has not been merciful. Mercy triumphs over judgment."

Read the whole of Matthew 5, which is the only passage where Jesus speaks on putting-away and adultery which has surrounding context. That context is not "here comes a bunch of new laws whereby you can judge your fellow man". Rather the context is "it is not the meticulous keeping of the law (such as was common to the Pharisees) that matters, rather God looks upon the condition of the heart". In the middle of this chapter (verses 31-32), Jesus addressed a populace that had recently introduced "no fault" Hillite divorce. They were taking God's lifelong plan for marriage and making a mockery of it. Yet they professed extreme righteousness, because they were obeying proper divorce "laws." Jesus says to them that no piece of (divorce) paper was going to absolve them of their adulterous practice in God's sight.

Now, note that Jesus is speaking harshly to the perpetrators of such divorce, not to the innocent victims of unwanted divorce. Consider His theme of mercy listed above, His mercy to the woman taken in adultery, and the theme of Matthew 5 (God judges the intent of the heart). Do you think (if I remarry) that God would charge me adultery or show mercy to me, knowing that I have done all that I can to forgive, love and keep my wife from leaving?

Michael Snow · Aug 14, 2013

AbandonedHusband said:
My study concludes that, although it is certainly God's best plan for marriage to be lifelong, there are cases (specifically adultery and abandonment) wherein the marital bond is severed. Also, the innocent party to this marital demise is free to remarry.

I look forward to your comments.

I basically conclude about the same after much study. There should be no argument about the adultery part.

There is a good exposition on this in NICNT (New International Commentary on the New Testament) on 1 Cor. 7 by Gordon Fee.

This book was written some years after a very similar situation as yours:Love, Prayer, and Forgiveness–Now, also, in ebook format « TextsInContext

Michael Snow · Aug 14, 2013

AbandonedHusband said:
"indissoluble marriage" .

Those who make marriage "indissoluble" even in the case of adultery have gone beyond Scripture. In the OT, the innocent spouse was clearly free to marry again. Just because the NT gave up stoning does not change that basic fact. And again, I'd reference Fee's commentary on 1 Cor. (ch. 7).

webguy2000 · Aug 19, 2013

Wow, thanks so much for your notes. You sat down and did what I've been looking to find the time to do. I think you and I are in almost the same situation (victims of abandoning, divorcing wife), and at the same moment. The number of parallels between our stories is surprising and your notes are almost verbatim some of the things I've been meaning to write out in order to better understand what scripture says about divorce/remarriage for people in our situation. As best I can tell (as you said, we could tend to be a bit biased), your notes are very evenly balanced and thoroughly rooted in both the old and new testaments, historical and cultural context, and you seem to do an excellent job highlighting the selfish/ignorant biases of "religianity". I think you also have done a wonderful job of interpreting the scripture in it's broader context, not ignoring the "spirit" or "intent" of the passages, and I don't see you giving yourself any "easy-outs" in order to go and do something that might be easier or more desirable to your flesh. In regard to the rest of your story, I too have been so shocked and amazed to see people who I always thought actually loved scripture and claimed to believe in it, run from it and deny it because it came into conflict with their comfortable positions. I often wonder if I would have done the same thing if I wasn't the victim in the situation as I am now. I hope not. I hope my faith in and love for Jesus would have kept me on the side of scripture and the abused. Anyway, I see your care and effort in composing these notes and your desire to ultimately obey Christ, no matter what the cost to you as solid evidence of your salvation and genuine love of God. Be blessed and encouraged brother, and don't let the Pharisees get you down! If you want to compare stories and notes sometime, I'd love to chat. We need all the support we can get right now.

Thanks again!

I can't PM you but you can email me at christus.amator AT G M A I L . co M

Johnnz · Aug 19, 2013

A standard must never become a legalistic burden. Marriage is meant to be for life. But with some situations that does not happen. You are still young.

There are conflicting views. I generally see the "only one, ever" teaching as sometimes applied rather simplistically and often without good exegesis behind the dogmatism. We really do need to get behind the cultural context of the NT before pronouncing "This is what the Bible teaches about ..."

John
NZ

dayhiker · Aug 20, 2013

Great verses on mercy ... it often seems to be so hard for Christians to be merciful.

AbandonedHusband · Aug 20, 2013

Webguy, thank you for taking the time to post. You, and others like you, are the reason I posted my personal struggles and Bible notes. Please check back, as I continue to refine these notes as my understanding evolves.

This is a difficult Bible topic. Those that tell you any different are oversimplifying scripture to fit their comfortable views. When you read Jesus' words on divorce in Matthew, Mark and Luke that seem to say any divorce or remarriage brings adultery to all those involved, and hear that 'God hates divorce', and you read Paul's words that a wife is bound to her husband as long as they both shall live, and if she separates she must return it is easy (very easy) to come to the wrong conclusion. That conclusion is that marriage is permanent, and God has put you in a place of long term, or possibly permanent suffering (yes, lifelong loneliness and unfullfilled sexual desire are suffering). The ill chosen words of other Christians which implicate you, and the self-awareness of suddenly being alone in the pew is excruciating. Its easy to see why the spiritual fire of so many dies with divorce.

The good news is, that God is merciful toward you, and that some of these scriptures are easily taken out of cultural and scriptural context. Remember, "The Lord is near to the broken hearted, and saves the crushed in spirit" Psalm 34:18. Some of my favorite verses have been John 11:33-35. Here we see Jesus, knowing his own power, and knowing full-well that he would shortly be raising Lazarus from the dead, but being overcome with empathy for the emotional pain of Mary and those who were with her... and weeping. This is a God who sees and feels your pain.

Don't waste your divorce. With every earthly thing in your life stripped away, these can be some of the best times alone with God. Be honest with yourself, we sinned against our wives (maybe big, maybe small... sin is sin.) We have personality flaws, we mis-prioritize life... but God isn't through with us. I have a list of flaws that may have influenced my wife to leave, and I make a point to read it, and pray over it regularly. I do this for myself and for God, knowing that she may never return. Please make sure that you understand the scriptural mandate, the reason, and the help for personal forgiveness (I have another set of notes on that if you want), because I've spoken to a lot of unforgiving divorced souls that have just burned from the inside out for many, many years.

The bad news is, to really understand God's thoughts on divorce you need to wrestle with the scripture in its entirety, and do a lot of commentary reading. I've yet to find someone who will truely walk with me through it, and its been a lonely (at times desparate) path. Many of the books take an "easy out", espeicially some by big-name preachers, and that can be very discouraging. Making the set of notes given in the original post has been my pathway through the darkness.... and I may still have questions when I get to heaven

God Bless!

Al T · Jun 7, 2015

Whilst this is nearly 2 years since your last post, I just wanted to say thank you for your hard work.

Your document brings lots of context to the biblical debate - and is perhaps the best I've read.

bibs.kin · Nov 4, 2015

Abandoned Husband,

I can relate to what you are experiencing. While there are some differences between our stories, there are enough similarities that it is almost scary. But most of all, the genuineness of your heart during this time is definitely clear. And I am dealing with some of the same struggles that you have expressed here.

Just as the prior comment mentioned, it has been over 2 years since you commented on this forum. If you do see my message, I would love to hear how things have progressed for you over that period.

I am in the process of working through all of the posts in this forum and your notes. There is a lot there and it will take some time to really do it justice. But my initial scan has had some things jump out to me. I personally like the outline format of your notes. I have an idea that we are probably both very analytical in how we approach things.

That being said, I have been working through my own study of what the Bible says on this subject. I have broken down the study into first dealing with the issue of divorce and then dealing with the remarriage issue. I have a written article containing my thoughts on divorce. If you respond to this msg then I will get you a copy of the article. I would really like your feedback and I'd be interested to know if it changes anything in your thinking.

The one area that I see missing from your current study is dealing with other reasons for divorce. Probably the most significant of these reasons is abuse. But what about drug activity, illegal crimes, etc.? You undoubtedly have had doors open to minister to others going through divorce. How do you answer these questions when dealing with someone else?

I am currently struggling with the remarriage issue myself. And I will be looking carefully at your notes during this time.

Thanks and I will be praying for you.

Johnnz · Nov 4, 2015

We must take into consideration that both Jesus and Paul were addressing specific situations at that time. Abuse etc were not behind their teaching.

John
NZ

bibs.kin · Nov 4, 2015

I agree with your statement. However, I also believe that the Bible is a guide for every part of the Christian life. It may not address everything directly, but there are biblical principles that can guide a Christian through any issue encountered.

That being said, there are different ways that I have seen the issue of abuse handled biblically. Quite frankly, I not very satisfied with the explanations that I have read. So, let me ask you; how would you advise a woman being abused by her husband? At what point, if any, would you advise her to divorce her husband? What biblical references would you take her to?

His Disciple · Nov 4, 2015

bibs.kin said:
That being said, there are different ways that I have seen the issue of abuse handled biblically. Quite frankly, I not very satisfied with the explanations that I have read. So, let me ask you; how would you advise a woman being abused by her husband? At what point, if any, would you advise her to divorce her husband? What biblical references would you take her to?

Many Christians con themselves to thinking God approves of taking the easy way out of difficult situation, but our commitment to our spouses, through Christ, is for life. The marriage only ends if the spouse leaves it, because that is not in our control. But we are not free to remarry, not those of us who belong to Christ. Narrow is the way, and few will follow it.

A woman abused by her husband should check herself for anything she can do to prevent the husband from feeling provoked. You're not going to change someone else's behavior without changing your own. And, changing his habits will take time. No, this is not the advice that anyone of the world would give, but it is the Christian thing to do. If she cannot find a way to appease him, including graciously appealing to him and addressing her own behavioral flaws, and she cannot tolerate the abuse, she should separate for a time. When he has shown for a willingness to no longer behave abusively, then she should move back.

RDKirk · Nov 4, 2015

bibs.kin said:
So, let me ask you; how would you advise a woman being abused by her husband? At what point, if any, would you advise her to divorce her husband? What biblical references would you take her to?

Well, one church I attended first responded by removing the woman from the household. They had a series of confidential safe houses called "The House of Ruth." The congregation was aggressive about identifying abused women. The Security ministry would swoop in and remove her to a safehouse while the husband was away. Then a couple of members of the Security ministry along with professional male counselors and therapists would wait at the house for the husband to return. Husband: "Where is my wife?" Men: "Our dear sister is safe. And she's going to remain safe. But we're going to have a discussion with you, because we're not going to allow you to hurt her."

The desired objective was reconciliation, but that might take some time.

Johnnz · Nov 5, 2015

What a well founded practice. Far to easy for non abused people to opine about living with a serious abuser.

John
NZ

bibs.kin · Nov 5, 2015

I spent a little time thinking about your last message.

You made some statements that I would totally agree with. In particular, that there are many Christians that pursue divorce as an easy solution rather than treating marriage as the God ordained institution that it is.

That being said, it is also quite evident that you have never had to deal with the realities of domestic violence and abuse. I’m unsure if you intended to or not, but your statements put the blame for the abuse on the woman, who is the victim. There have been documented cases where advising the woman to stay in the situation has led to the woman’s further abuse and even death.

I am definitely not trying to infer that she can simply walk away without even looking back, but the initial concern is to insure her safety. After that the issue of abuse can be dealt with properly. It may be a long, difficult process, but the marriage can, and should, be reconciled.

I suspect that your response will be to state that the woman is to be submissive to her husband. However, you are completely ignoring the fact that the act of abuse is definitely contrary to the command to “love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Eph 5:25)

Self-reflection is also important. And yet, in my case I finally understood that I will not stand before God answering for the choice that my wife made to commit adultery and leave the marriage. I will stand before him answering for my own failures as a husband and spiritual leader of my family. And there is plenty to be accountable for included in that.

As you suggested at the beginning, treating divorce as an easy way out is a totally unbiblical extreme. At the same time, I look at ignoring the potential consequences that sinful actions have on marriage is the opposite extreme.

faroukfarouk · Nov 24, 2017

AbandonedHusband said:
I am a 30-something abandoned Christian husband. My wife and I had a loving, good marriage, up until a couple of years ago when things began to take a turn for the worse. There was no hint of abuse (substance, physical or mental), infidelity or money problems in our relationship. Unfortunately, she suffered from long term health and emotional problems and last year decided to leave me, church and God behind to pursue her bliss. I was, and am still, devastated. The pain of losing my best friend and my hopes for a family and future together after so many years together is indescribable.

There is a second pain that is equally devastating. I was brought up to believe that the Bible teaches the permanency of marriage. My church, and my family have impressed on me that I must remain single FOR LIFE, praying and waiting for my wife's return.

I have spent the better part of a year studying this subject, reading the Bible and just about every relevant book that I can get my hands on. The link below contains my notes. These are not merely my opinions but a verse-by-verse study through the Bible on the subject (pages 4-19 contain the meat of it). It is my hope that this will help someone out there in a similar situation. It is also my hope that some will read and attack what I have written, and thereby hone my understanding of the subject.

I am so disappointed with the myriad of websites and books on this difficult, and emotionally charged, topic. Every single one that I read (from all perspectives) contained a heavy bias and easily countered misinterpretations of scripture. I find that many modern conservative "permanent marriage" proponents are not reading the scriptures from Matthew, Mark, Luke, Romans and 1 Corinthians in proper scriptural and cultural context. Thus they thus arrive at vastly different conclusions than the original 1st century audience would have. This is surprising to me, because this is typically the theological camp pounding their fist about proper exegesis.

My study concludes that, although it is certainly God's best plan for marriage to be lifelong, there are cases (specifically adultery and abandonment) wherein the marital bond is severed. Also, the innocent party to this marital demise is free to remarry.

My notes are hosted on Google Drive in pdf form. Since I haven't made 50 posts yet, this forum won't let me create a conveinent link to the notes. You must copy and paste "docs.google.com/file/d/0B5ym2jN4CfcXOVFMOV9GWmRIaHM" into your web browser without the quotation marks to view them online. You may also download or print them from this link. This link will change from time to time as I update the document. I keep finding grammatical errors, or better ways to state things.

I look forward to your comments.

So sorry about your circumstances. :prayer:

Let me just ask a gentle question: When you had your former convictions, how is it that now that you perceive them not to be as convenient, that you now want to fit the Scriptures into what you now believe to be more convenient? (Mind you, many North American churches do this: eisegeis - putting the desired meaning into the text rather than exegesis - getting the actual meaning from the text, as you once believed you were doing.)

I hear your deep anguish. David the Psalmist expressed himself similarly at times, for various reasons.

Ron Gurley · Nov 27, 2017

God makes spiritual unions between male and female. From Eden until now, the two shall become "ONE FLESH". In the RCC, it is one of the revered 7 sacraments.

Genesis 2:24
For this reason a MAN (male) shall leave his father and his mother,
and be joined to his WIFE; (female)
and they (A&E) shall become "one flesh"....(spiritually joined)

Genesis 1:27
God created man in His own (spiritual) image,
in the image of God He created him;
male and female He created them.

Matthew 19:4-6 (NASB)...Jesus: Concerning Marriage and Divorce
...“Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning made them male and female, and said,
‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’?
So they are no longer two, but one flesh.
What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.”

Ephesians 5: 22-33... Marriage is Like Christ and the "Church"
each individual among you also is to love his own WIFE even as himself,
and the wife must see to it that she respects her HUSBAND.

Malachi 2:15 (NIV)
Has not the LORD made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one?
Because he was seeking godly offspring.
So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.

...GOD HATES DIVORCE! HE LOVES DIVORCEE's! It is a forgivable sin!

And the spouses must FORGIVE + FORGET to avoid divorce!

Paul may have identified THE problem:

2 Cor. 6 (NASB)
14 Do not be bound together (yoked) with unbelievers; for
what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or
what fellowship has light with darkness? 15 Or
what harmony has Christ with Belial, or
what has a believer in common with an unbeliever? 16 Or
what agreement has the temple of God with idols?

The SOUL of WO-MAN has a different DYNAMIC balance than that of a MAN! Viva la Difference!

The Soul of Mankind (male and female) is also a DYNAMIC REACTION of its 3 parts:
1. MIND...the process of intellect...stored knowledge...its function is "thinking" / "reasoning": MAN = heavy
2. WILL...your decision maker...your computer-reactor...your balancer
3. EMOTIONS...how you "feel"...natural reactions / intuitive responses: Wo-MAN = heavy

The RULES!?!

Matthew 5:27-28,31-32...Jesus: Sermon on the Mount to crowds + disciples
27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery’;
28 but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust for her
has already committed adultery with her in his heart....
31 “It was said, ‘Whoever sends his wife away, let him give her a certificate of divorce’;
32 but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity,
makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Matthew 19:8..He said to them,
“Because of your hardness of heart, Moses permitted you to divorce your wives;
but from the beginning (Eden) it has not been this way.

1 Corinthians 7 (NASB)...Paul's Teaching on Marriage...The EXCEPTIONS?
12 But to the rest I say, NOT the Lord,
that if any brother (believer) has a wife who is an unbeliever,
and she consents to live with him, he must not divorce her.
13 And a woman who has an unbelieving husband,
and he consents to live with her, she must not send her husband away.
14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified through his wife, and
the unbelieving wife is sanctified through her believing husband;
for otherwise your children are unclean, but now they are holy.
Yet if the unbelieving one leaves, let him leave;
the brother or the sister is not under bondage in such cases,
but God has called us to peace.
16 For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband?
Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?

Bible Study On Divorce and Remarriage from Abandoned Christian Husband

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