Death, Pain, and the future

CrystalFaith2 said:

I posted a few days ago about all that things that are unfolding in my life. I had an affair while married and from that affair I became pregnant. I broke things off with that person before I knew I was pregnant and began focusing on my relationship with God. My pregnancy was very challenging I spent months in the hospital on bedrest. I kept my affair a secret because I felt it would be best to tell my husband once I was out of the hospital (at the time I thought the baby was his child). My friend I was having the affair with stayed away from me upon my request since he knew that isn't what I wanted. Two months before giving birth and after not hearing from him for several months he took his life. He left no note and didn't contact me to say good bye. Through all that I let my husband know what was going on he demanded a DNA test on the baby and that's when I found out. Now I'm a single mother, going through a divorce, and trying to wrap my head around everything. My first post was asking if I would be forgiven for all the sin I have committed. While I still pray on forgiveness so much more is hurting me. I know I have my 3 week old son to consider but all I can think about is letting go. All the weight from this past year is crushing me. People are trying to give me advice about everything now and as much as I appreciate it, I just feel overwhelmed. All their words making me feel stupid for the choices I've made and the ones I have yet to make. When I think about Charlie I just get angry that he left. In fact I'm so mad at him I wish I could hit him. My whole world is turned upside down and he isn't here. I am pained that my husband is leaving me and that I cause him so much pain. I find myself forgetting how cruel he was to me in our marriage because I know it doesn't excuse my actions. Some days we can talk fine and others he says things about my son that are just awful. I think about trying to fight for my marriage but I can't see him ever wanting to change. I know that if he was cruel before all of this that it will only be worse now. I feel like a terrible mother. I love my son and want the best for him but I feel oddly detached from him. I sometimes feel like he isn't mine and I worry it will never change. My pregnancy was very difficult and I was in the hospital for many months and that's on top of Charlie's passing. When my son was born I was very happy but I also felt like something was missing. Sometimes I fear it's because of who his father is but I know I felt this way when I thought my husband was the father. Perhaps I didn't truly love either man. I feel utterly alone and all I want to do is self-harm. I continue to pray and read scriptures. However, there are moments when all I can do is think about dying.

Click to expand...

CrystalFaith2 said:

I posted a few days ago about all that things that are unfolding in my life. I had an affair while married and from that affair I became pregnant. I broke things off with that person before I knew I was pregnant and began focusing on my relationship with God. My pregnancy was very challenging I spent months in the hospital on bedrest. I kept my affair a secret because I felt it would be best to tell my husband once I was out of the hospital (at the time I thought the baby was his child). My friend I was having the affair with stayed away from me upon my request since he knew that isn't what I wanted. Two months before giving birth and after not hearing from him for several months he took his life. He left no note and didn't contact me to say good bye. Through all that I let my husband know what was going on he demanded a DNA test on the baby and that's when I found out. Now I'm a single mother, going through a divorce, and trying to wrap my head around everything. My first post was asking if I would be forgiven for all the sin I have committed. While I still pray on forgiveness so much more is hurting me. I know I have my 3 week old son to consider but all I can think about is letting go. All the weight from this past year is crushing me. People are trying to give me advice about everything now and as much as I appreciate it, I just feel overwhelmed. All their words making me feel stupid for the choices I've made and the ones I have yet to make. When I think about Charlie I just get angry that he left. In fact I'm so mad at him I wish I could hit him. My whole world is turned upside down and he isn't here. I am pained that my husband is leaving me and that I cause him so much pain. I find myself forgetting how cruel he was to me in our marriage because I know it doesn't excuse my actions. Some days we can talk fine and others he says things about my son that are just awful. I think about trying to fight for my marriage but I can't see him ever wanting to change. I know that if he was cruel before all of this that it will only be worse now. I feel like a terrible mother. I love my son and want the best for him but I feel oddly detached from him. I sometimes feel like he isn't mine and I worry it will never change. My pregnancy was very difficult and I was in the hospital for many months and that's on top of Charlie's passing. When my son was born I was very happy but I also felt like something was missing. Sometimes I fear it's because of who his father is but I know I felt this way when I thought my husband was the father. Perhaps I didn't truly love either man. I feel utterly alone and all I want to do is self-harm. I continue to pray and read scriptures. However, there are moments when all I can do is think about dying.

Click to expand...