Theory: You can get over a relationship, but not people

What you say makes sense.

Think of a stack of papers on your desk. Every time you date or have a relationship, a new piece of paper is added to the top of this pile. Over time, this pile grows and the person from the past goes deeper into the pile. However, every time we think about a person, we pull those memories to the front of the pile instead of letting it move gradually to the bottom. During the 16 years I was married, I occasionally moved a memory to the top of the pile...but less and less often. I found that after my husband died, I couldn't even picture the man I had once been engaged to and very much did love. Most of those memories were lost to the bottom of the pile, as it should be.

I do not often add new people to the top of my pile of "men that I love" but the ones above my husband often get revisited for a number of years before they get married or I just accept that there was a reason that it isn't that nothing happened. My husband is constantly moved to the top because my life requires I think about him and I believe I am eternally connected to him.

All this to say that I believe that we can even lose the connection we have with people even after we get over a broken relationship. It takes does take longer though but eventually, the connection can be released if we stop thinking about them and moving them to the top of the pile. The memories remain but not the connection or the desire to reconnect on any level. Ultimately the choice is ours on how often we revisit the pile and pull old memories.

I agree with BR, it makes sense. There's something about human memory that recalls mostly the good things, and shoves the reasons for a relationship's failure into the shadows. Something's at work here, but I'm not sure what it is.

Recently I've been trying to impose a rule on my thought life. It starts with this question: "Will this thought, and the places it takes me, lead to anything actionable on my part, no matter what conclusion I arrive at?" Typically the answer is no, and so I just stop thinking about it. "Chasing after wind" is how I'd describe it, if I may steal an expression from Ecclesiastes.

JAM2b said:

I don't hate the people in my past, but I do hate the bad things they did. And the good memories of them or things we did or said continues to linger. I don't miss being in these relationships and I don't want any of these guys back. But sometimes I miss the good parts of who the people were.

I don't know if this makes sense.

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It makes a lot of sense to me. There are only two people from my past that I look back on with nothing but disgust and wonder exactly what it is I ever saw in them.

As for the rest of my relationships, there were good times and I don't want to forget those.

But there's no one in my past that I would ever take back, there's still a lot of anger in a couple of cases, but I don't hate them and hope they have a happy life, just not a part of mine.

I have the same thing and gradually it fades.
My ex, old best friend, and another long term crush--amongst others I may pray for once, and then forget about for a few months. @blackribbon summed it up well, and I concur with the OP. Even when engaged, married, etc--you think of old times occasionally, and this is even when you ought to let it pass into the distance.

Mydnyte said:

It makes a lot of sense to me. There are only two people from my past that I look back on with nothing but disgust and wonder exactly what it is I ever saw in them.

As for the rest of my relationships, there were good times and I don't want to forget those.

But there's no one in my past that I would ever take back, there's still a lot of anger in a couple of cases, but I don't hate them and hope they have a happy life, just not a part of mine.

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I reflect on two in particular who peeve me. One had "plans" for me and was screwing with my time/effort. The other was sickly and just siphoned off my energy in a dysfunctional way. I do not wish the best or worst--God can handle them, and I never want to hear from them again.