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~Anastasia~
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Hello, and welcome to CF.
Prayers for you. I'm afraid I don't have any real advice. Except that desire to have children is valid, but at the same time, while I don't believe God would in any way disqualify you for not being a virgin, the deep misunderstandings your husband has are cause for you yourself to be concerned about him as a partner to raise children. Ideally, he could learn and develop a better understanding of truth. But refusal to talk to anyone or learn anything puts up a roadblock. Certainly you should pray for him. Beyond that, I can't say what you should do.
But sexual purity is just as important in men, before God, as it is in women. The only definitively easy way to demonstrate that from Scripture that I can recall offhand is Rev. 14:4 where it specifically mentions men remaining virgins and not defiling themselves with women. In truth, sexual purity is exactly the same for men as for women. If you were unsuitable before God to have children (which you are not, simply by means of not having kept your virginity, because sins can be forgiven) ... but if that were true, then he would be equally at fault. Some traditionalists would argue he could be even more culpable, since they tend to lay heavier responsibility on the man. But in no case does a man receive freedom to flaunt God's teaching, while requiring women to adhere strictly to it. It just doesn't work that way. Those are man's views, not God's.
But it seems to me that being in a marriage with someone who right now views you in this way is harmful enough for both of you, and I hope that can be addressed before the possibility of children comes up. I pray he will become open to learning God's truth on the matter. God be with you, and I am praying for you.
Prayers for you. I'm afraid I don't have any real advice. Except that desire to have children is valid, but at the same time, while I don't believe God would in any way disqualify you for not being a virgin, the deep misunderstandings your husband has are cause for you yourself to be concerned about him as a partner to raise children. Ideally, he could learn and develop a better understanding of truth. But refusal to talk to anyone or learn anything puts up a roadblock. Certainly you should pray for him. Beyond that, I can't say what you should do.
But sexual purity is just as important in men, before God, as it is in women. The only definitively easy way to demonstrate that from Scripture that I can recall offhand is Rev. 14:4 where it specifically mentions men remaining virgins and not defiling themselves with women. In truth, sexual purity is exactly the same for men as for women. If you were unsuitable before God to have children (which you are not, simply by means of not having kept your virginity, because sins can be forgiven) ... but if that were true, then he would be equally at fault. Some traditionalists would argue he could be even more culpable, since they tend to lay heavier responsibility on the man. But in no case does a man receive freedom to flaunt God's teaching, while requiring women to adhere strictly to it. It just doesn't work that way. Those are man's views, not God's.
But it seems to me that being in a marriage with someone who right now views you in this way is harmful enough for both of you, and I hope that can be addressed before the possibility of children comes up. I pray he will become open to learning God's truth on the matter. God be with you, and I am praying for you.
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Riri, I'm very concerned about your well being here. I'm going to highlight a few sections of your post.
Riri: your past does NOT make you and unfit mother. Do not let your husband tear you down with that lie.
Riri, your marriage needs a LOT of work. While you are indeed a fit mother... frankly I'm seeing a lot of read flags in your post. I would get counseling-- if he refuses marriage counseling, then still get personal counseling for yourself to strengthen yourself. Get a job, try to build friendships, and dig deep into your relationship with Christ. If you marriage does turn around and start to flourish, these skills will all help you. If things instead go downhill, those skill will all help you still.
Ok, so he knew both of you are non-virgins and agreed to get married and have kids..
When you have repented of your sins, the Lord Himself remembers them no more. For your husband to still dredge up what the Lord has forgotten is abusive behavior on his part. Not to mention hypocritical.
Why not? Is his pride more important than your marriage?
Dear: you have NOTHING to be ashamed about and nothing to apologize. What you are describing here is abusive behavior on your husband part for 2 reasons. First, trying to blame for everything is a manipulation technique known as "gas lighting". Second, isolating you from friend and informing you that you're not allowed to talk about your life a hallmark of abuse.
I'm sorry, but this is a load of crock. What's the real reason he's renegading on his agreement to have kids?
You teach them the miracle of Christ's atonement, the same as your husband does, and every other sinner on this planet.
Riri: your past does NOT make you and unfit mother. Do not let your husband tear you down with that lie.
A hypocritical excuse and not the real reason for his behavior.
Based on what? Such is a load of crock. Husband needs to read the Bible and do what is commands him to-- love his wife. Not wish to go exchange her for a "better" one like you're some pair of shoes.
That's an unBiblical load of lies. Christ says otherwise.
Christ Himself says otherwise. YOU ARE A PURE 100% CLEAN DAUGHTER OF GOD. Read your Bible and listen to Christ tell you that, and dismiss anyone who would otherwise lie to you and try to tear down your worth as a the beautiful pure daughter of God you are.
Riri, your marriage needs a LOT of work. While you are indeed a fit mother... frankly I'm seeing a lot of read flags in your post. I would get counseling-- if he refuses marriage counseling, then still get personal counseling for yourself to strengthen yourself. Get a job, try to build friendships, and dig deep into your relationship with Christ. If you marriage does turn around and start to flourish, these skills will all help you. If things instead go downhill, those skill will all help you still.
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Glowing
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What an excellent post! I thoroughly agree with this post!
I too agree that your husband is being abusive in his power and actions, and you BOTH need serious help. Counseling as a couple or at least by yourself. You need to know Christ as your loving Heavenly Father, not some mean dictator who has a whip ready to smack you the first time you sin. Yes, sin has serious consequences, but forgiveness is always and freely given by the Lord when asked for (1 John 1:9 - If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.)
Your comment "Am I even allowed to have children or accept no children as Gods consequence for my mistakes. If this is the consequences of my mistakes then I will accept this faith. Thank you." makes my heart so sad. Truly, no one can know the mind of God on these issues. While some people can get pregnant super easily, and others can't...we will never know this side of eternity why somethings happen. But what I do know is this, God opens and closes a womb FOR A REASON. While guessing and trying to figure out that reason may be comforting to some people. don't. If God wants you to know something, He'll make it plain.
So I would encourage you to step back and be thankful. God still loves you, He cares deeply for you as His own child. One of my favourite passages in scripture is this,
Psalms 103:8 The LORD is merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
9He will not always chide,
nor will he keep his anger forever.
10He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
11For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
12as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
13As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him.
14For he knows our frame;
he remembers that we are dust.
I would encourage you to meditate on these verses. His love is higher and more powerful than you will ever know. He removes our sin (transgressions) from us. And he shows compassion (deep love and care) for us like a perfect father would. And lastly, He knows we are not perfect. He knows that you are a sinful creature (like the rest of the world), but he STILL CHOOSES TO LOVE RIRI AS HIS DAUGHTER! Take comfort in this fact, and let His word be a balm to your aching soul, for He alone is able to do this.
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Endeavourer
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Riri, I'm concerned about why you are taking his **obvious** abuse to heart?
-Does he frequently get angry at you?
-Does he allow you to socialize with your friends and family as you please?
-Is it your background that gives you the idea that you are unworthy to bear children because you were not a virgin, or is this a new concept that your husband (or church?) has introduced to you?
-Other than this issue, is your marriage happy?
-Where does he get these ideas? From the church you attend? From a book? If so, what book?
God is not a respecter of persons; he doesn't have one rule for sexual purity for men and another for women. He sees men, women, bond, free, Jews and Gentiles all the same.
I'm also concerned that he is restraining you from reaching out for help. From your post, it appears you have been gas lighted. Keeping you from reaching out could be an abuser's tactic to keep you isolated.
Please reply back soon. I'm worried about you.
Hugs and prayers,
E.
-Does he frequently get angry at you?
-Does he allow you to socialize with your friends and family as you please?
-Is it your background that gives you the idea that you are unworthy to bear children because you were not a virgin, or is this a new concept that your husband (or church?) has introduced to you?
-Other than this issue, is your marriage happy?
-Where does he get these ideas? From the church you attend? From a book? If so, what book?
God is not a respecter of persons; he doesn't have one rule for sexual purity for men and another for women. He sees men, women, bond, free, Jews and Gentiles all the same.
I'm also concerned that he is restraining you from reaching out for help. From your post, it appears you have been gas lighted. Keeping you from reaching out could be an abuser's tactic to keep you isolated.
Please reply back soon. I'm worried about you.
Hugs and prayers,
E.
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Endeavourer
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In reply to: does he frequently get angry at you?
Riri, his point of reference is very skewed - and anti-Biblical. Look at the lineage of Jesus; you see Rahab the prostitute, Bethsheba an adulteress and many other ancestors with notorious sins. How is it that you are being held to a higher standard than Jesus? Trying to out-God God is very dangerous and gives rise to damaging and evil doctrines of men.
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In reply to: does he allow you to socialize with your friends and family as you please?
Understood. What do you define as a moral woman? It's fine -and good- to want Christian friends, but none will be without any faults or sins, right?
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In reply to: is it your background that gives you the idea that you are unworthy to bear children because you were not a virgin, or is this a new concept that your husband (or church?) has introduced to you?
-Other than this issue, is your marriage happy?
It's a bad idea to bring children into marital turmoil, particularly where your husband is on the verge of leaving you, so it would be wisest for you to resolve your marital problems before having children. Children make small marital problems big, and big marital problems even worse, so you would be bringing a lot of grief to yourself to proceed with children right at this moment.
*************************************
In reply to: where does he get these ideas? From the church you attend? From a book? If so, what book?
Can you elaborate a bit on this? His upbringing sounds severely patriarchal and infected with extraBiblical doctrines. Is there a name to the cultural movement, or is there a particular teacher (or author) within the movement? I would like to do some more specific research on these teachings before commenting. Apparently they have sounded "Biblical" enough to you that you are doubting whether God can value you enough to be a mother.
*************************************
In reply to: God is not a respecter of persons; he doesn't have one rule for sexual purity for men and another for women. He sees men, women, bond, free, Jews and Gentiles all the same.
Riri, does your husband provide you with transparency about his life? Do you share digital devices and do you know his passwords? Or, is he protective about his phone or his communications with others? Does he guard his phone from you?
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Thank you for answering my previous questions. I'll look forward to your next response to these questions. I feel we are not at the bottom of this issue and there may be more to it than he is letting on.
Hugs and prayers,
E.
Riri, his point of reference is very skewed - and anti-Biblical. Look at the lineage of Jesus; you see Rahab the prostitute, Bethsheba an adulteress and many other ancestors with notorious sins. How is it that you are being held to a higher standard than Jesus? Trying to out-God God is very dangerous and gives rise to damaging and evil doctrines of men.
*************************************
In reply to: does he allow you to socialize with your friends and family as you please?
Understood. What do you define as a moral woman? It's fine -and good- to want Christian friends, but none will be without any faults or sins, right?
*************************************
In reply to: is it your background that gives you the idea that you are unworthy to bear children because you were not a virgin, or is this a new concept that your husband (or church?) has introduced to you?
-Other than this issue, is your marriage happy?
It's a bad idea to bring children into marital turmoil, particularly where your husband is on the verge of leaving you, so it would be wisest for you to resolve your marital problems before having children. Children make small marital problems big, and big marital problems even worse, so you would be bringing a lot of grief to yourself to proceed with children right at this moment.
*************************************
In reply to: where does he get these ideas? From the church you attend? From a book? If so, what book?
Can you elaborate a bit on this? His upbringing sounds severely patriarchal and infected with extraBiblical doctrines. Is there a name to the cultural movement, or is there a particular teacher (or author) within the movement? I would like to do some more specific research on these teachings before commenting. Apparently they have sounded "Biblical" enough to you that you are doubting whether God can value you enough to be a mother.
*************************************
In reply to: God is not a respecter of persons; he doesn't have one rule for sexual purity for men and another for women. He sees men, women, bond, free, Jews and Gentiles all the same.
Riri, does your husband provide you with transparency about his life? Do you share digital devices and do you know his passwords? Or, is he protective about his phone or his communications with others? Does he guard his phone from you?
*************************************
I smell a rat here and am wondering why he married you if he thought this way. Since both of you had had sex before meeting each other, I would presume you had sex together before you were married?
*************************************
Thank you for answering my previous questions. I'll look forward to your next response to these questions. I feel we are not at the bottom of this issue and there may be more to it than he is letting on.
Hugs and prayers,
E.
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Thank you very much everyone for your feedback and kind words on this. I have decided to separate myself and leave my marriage and this to God. With God, anything is possible. I have to allow God to work through him and continue to pray while working on myself with God. So thank you again everyone.
To Endeavourer: Thank you for your assistance.
He bases his belief on his cultural upbringings, what men say in his family, and I think fear that his children will disappoint him (but I am sure any parent may feel this). It's not religious based, which I have learned. He has spoken firmly on it now (now that I am pushing for kids) that it started to make me question my beliefs, so I have to remove myself from all of this and allow God to lead. I will be working on finding counseling, even if it's for myself. We do share devices; I also don't believe he cheated/is cheating. I do work, but the friends that I am looking for around work or out and about don't match my personality to much. However I am aware they too are without fault, as am I, so I don't exclude any and everyone, so I am still looking for friends. A lot of the questions asked here, I have asked him to no avail at this point. So, at this point I have to work on myself right now and allow God to lead me, him, and my marriage. Thank you again.
To Endeavourer: Thank you for your assistance.
He bases his belief on his cultural upbringings, what men say in his family, and I think fear that his children will disappoint him (but I am sure any parent may feel this). It's not religious based, which I have learned. He has spoken firmly on it now (now that I am pushing for kids) that it started to make me question my beliefs, so I have to remove myself from all of this and allow God to lead. I will be working on finding counseling, even if it's for myself. We do share devices; I also don't believe he cheated/is cheating. I do work, but the friends that I am looking for around work or out and about don't match my personality to much. However I am aware they too are without fault, as am I, so I don't exclude any and everyone, so I am still looking for friends. A lot of the questions asked here, I have asked him to no avail at this point. So, at this point I have to work on myself right now and allow God to lead me, him, and my marriage. Thank you again.
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Endeavourer
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If he is from another culture that promotes this idea, he is unlikely to change. Many patristic cultures who place unequal standards on men an women's sexuality also allow (in some cases promote) men to have multiple sexual partners, which is a lifelong heartbreak for a wife unless she divorces her husband.
Sitting back and letting God direct your affairs is actually not a Biblical concept. The Bible speaks often of diligently pursuing the needs of your home. Do you think the Proverbs 31 woman would do nothing while watching a calamity rolling over her household?
I tried this for years and ended up with significant health issues, one of which was stress induced arrhythmia which has changed my life because I cannot endure vigorous physical exercise anymore. It will likely take years, if not a decade or two off my natural life span.
One day when I was in immense distress over what to do with the marriage, Biblically, the Lord gave me the second half of Isaiah 28. I had prayed 10,000's of prayers as to what to do, and this was the only prayer where I received an answer so clear. It talks about being in a covenant of death, where the bed will never be long enough or the covers wide enough to find comfort.
Shockingly to me (submissive wife and all) it told me to take a stick to beat it out! The chapter ended literally begging me to trust the Lord on this, and that his counsel is excellent and above my understanding.
I was so paralyzed with my cultural norms about submissive wives and divorce theology that I took no action for about 2 years, while continuing to suffer in my marriage. I didn't understand HOW to beat it out, Biblically. I didn't know HOW to obey that.
During the second year of waiting, my health crashed. Up until then I was running 5 miles most days on my lunch hours and longer on weekends. Now I can't run 2 miles without suffering for at least a week with an agitated arrhythmia. I can't ride bike very vigorously, or hike strenuously.... there are a lot of things I am no longer capable of doing. I feel that if I had obeyed the voice of the Lord instead of continuing to sit in distress and inaction, I would probably not have those health issues today.
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Endeavourer
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This is an article by a Christian psychologist who is one of the most insightful marriage counselors alive today:
What's Wrong with Unconditional Love (Part 1)
What do you think of his point?
What's Wrong with Unconditional Love (Part 1)
What do you think of his point?
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Oh Riri, what a stubborn husband. Jesus, did He love Mary Magdalena or what? I believe she was not a virgin. God can forgive sins and humans should forgive each other and not hang onto sins. Then they should move forward. Sitting at a marriagecouncellingtable and calling each other awful things is also bad, it can harm more than help, I have seen that in my on marriage. My husband believs He is always right no matter how bad He has behaved. Saying sorry is not an option because even if He would take a mistress it would be my fault or so He thinks. See sometimes some people are like this, they do what they are not allowed to do. So before they are married they are not allowed sex, then the thought is extra satisfying for them but then when they are wed they have a "sexlicence" now they may have sex so it is not so fun anymore. Now they may not have sex with any other woman so that is tempting them sometimes. One day I really moved to another house but then my husband wanted me home again, so I went home again. I have no Idea if I did the right thing. I'll stay for familypeace. But it breaks my heart to say it, Your marriage sounds like it's going on only two wheels where there should be four. If You get kids with this selfish man You might end up in a dead, loveless marriage a few years from now because You are afraid He might win custody over them because He talks bad about You in front of the court. Besides, then He has lowered Your selfesteem quite a lot. He has already started to critizice You. In 10 years He finds more faults than Your the virginity He took Himself. You are probably just as hopeless a woman as myself always forgiving that silly fart of a husband. God bless You and in case You take reason and put an end to His constant critique, goes a psychological selfdefenceclass, speaks positive about Yourself and make a nr 1 houserule for Him, old sins are done away with, go talk to the psychiatrist instead. Yes He should see someone that charges 70 dollars/ hour if He wishes to still talk about how it bothers Him that He married You and the fact that He took Your virginity. And He should pay it all by himself. Hopefully He gets a bit calmer after some sessions or quits talk about it or it gets clear.
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---I agree, mostly what stood out to me is:
"I believe that a couple in a marital relationship should meet each other's important emotional needs, and avoid hurting each other. That should be their promise to each other on the day of their wedding. If they keep their promise, they'll be in love with each other throughout their marriage, just like Joyce and me. But if one violates that commitment, should the other be held to it?"
-and-
Just as our relationship with God is bilateral, where we must both fulfill our commitment for the relationship to function, our marital relationship is also bilateral. A successful marriage is one where both husband and wife care for each other by meeting each other's important emotional needs, and avoid hurting each other.
It's difficult when one remains unchanged. That's where my challenge starts.
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Endeavourer
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In reply to: Sitting back and letting God direct your affairs is actually not a Biblical concept. The Bible speaks often of diligently pursuing the needs of your home. Do you think the Proverbs 31 woman would do nothing while watching a calamity rolling over her household?
Your health will not improve under increasingly and continuing stressful conditions. It will simply get worse. What do you mean by this: "I feel I am standing in the way of God assisting him."
I had to get my bar out of the basement and raise it to a level of expecting mutual respect. I was TERRIFIED to do this because I felt doing so would cause my children's home to fall apart because I was very confident he would not change. I was desperate and because I didn't believe in divorce, I thought I'd just ride it out no.matter.what and that my body would be strong enough to take it. So how to do this?
I came across Dr. Harley's site, marriagebuilders.com and posted on the forum for help, giving some particulars about my situation. The volunteers there, under Dr. Harley's supervision, told me some shocking information - that my (then) husband had already had so very many opportunities to stop his abuse that I needed to put him out of the house! They said this would be the only way to get his attention and set boundaries that would require a change. That continuing to take the high road, show grace in the face of abuse and enduring without any consequences to him was enabling him to treat me like this until I refused to accept the abuse.
They were skeptical my marriage could be saved because I had waited in the abuse for so long (23 years). They felt his ways were probably too set to change. However, if it COULD be saved, a separation would be the tool to do this. If my (then) husband wanted the marriage, he could agree to treat me with respect, stop his blistering anger and come back home again. At the time I thought this was the equivalent to divorce so I didn't dare to do it.
In retrospect, it would have been the only way my marriage could have been saved. In fact, if I had done this in the early years of our marriage my (then) husband would have known that if he abused me he'd get some more Motel 6 therapy.
Eventually my body broke down so I had no choice but to take their advice and initiate a separation, but by then I had no strength for any kind of marital recovery work. I waited until it was too late for our marriage. He was an unbeliever who said in so very many ways, literally, that he was not pleased to dwell with me (1 Cor 7) that my conscience felt free of the marriage when he filed for divorce.
However, after the fact, I went back to study WHAT did the Lord mean for ME to initiate a change to our marriage? I spent almost a year exclusively studying this and came to some very different understandings, once I considered the FULL counsel of Scripture, about marital relationships and divorce.
For example, in all of the verses in Proverbs which talk about an angry man being a fool and to not keep his company, which of those verses say "unless he is your husband". I realized that a separation due to him being a fool WAS absolutely Biblical. A separation is NOT a divorce. It is setting a boundary that if you want to live with me, I expect to not be abused and to be treated with some level of care.
Thank you so much, Riri. You are in my thoughts and prayers as well.
Your health will not improve under increasingly and continuing stressful conditions. It will simply get worse. What do you mean by this: "I feel I am standing in the way of God assisting him."
I had to get my bar out of the basement and raise it to a level of expecting mutual respect. I was TERRIFIED to do this because I felt doing so would cause my children's home to fall apart because I was very confident he would not change. I was desperate and because I didn't believe in divorce, I thought I'd just ride it out no.matter.what and that my body would be strong enough to take it. So how to do this?
I came across Dr. Harley's site, marriagebuilders.com and posted on the forum for help, giving some particulars about my situation. The volunteers there, under Dr. Harley's supervision, told me some shocking information - that my (then) husband had already had so very many opportunities to stop his abuse that I needed to put him out of the house! They said this would be the only way to get his attention and set boundaries that would require a change. That continuing to take the high road, show grace in the face of abuse and enduring without any consequences to him was enabling him to treat me like this until I refused to accept the abuse.
They were skeptical my marriage could be saved because I had waited in the abuse for so long (23 years). They felt his ways were probably too set to change. However, if it COULD be saved, a separation would be the tool to do this. If my (then) husband wanted the marriage, he could agree to treat me with respect, stop his blistering anger and come back home again. At the time I thought this was the equivalent to divorce so I didn't dare to do it.
In retrospect, it would have been the only way my marriage could have been saved. In fact, if I had done this in the early years of our marriage my (then) husband would have known that if he abused me he'd get some more Motel 6 therapy.
Eventually my body broke down so I had no choice but to take their advice and initiate a separation, but by then I had no strength for any kind of marital recovery work. I waited until it was too late for our marriage. He was an unbeliever who said in so very many ways, literally, that he was not pleased to dwell with me (1 Cor 7) that my conscience felt free of the marriage when he filed for divorce.
However, after the fact, I went back to study WHAT did the Lord mean for ME to initiate a change to our marriage? I spent almost a year exclusively studying this and came to some very different understandings, once I considered the FULL counsel of Scripture, about marital relationships and divorce.
For example, in all of the verses in Proverbs which talk about an angry man being a fool and to not keep his company, which of those verses say "unless he is your husband". I realized that a separation due to him being a fool WAS absolutely Biblical. A separation is NOT a divorce. It is setting a boundary that if you want to live with me, I expect to not be abused and to be treated with some level of care.
Thank you so much, Riri. You are in my thoughts and prayers as well.
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Endeavourer
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I'm so glad the article was helpful. I love all of Dr. Harley's work. It's based on his research of 10,000's of couples and is always based on what has actually worked - not on what "should" work based on a human's philosophy of things.
One of my biggest eye openers on the study of marriages was the realization that God would not create the institution of marriage to specifically not work; if you look at what does work and is successful, that must be the answer to what is Biblical. If it is, why and how? That forced my focus off the typical verses into all of Scripture until I realized the depth of riches EVERYWHERE in the Bible applied to marital relationships -such as the example in Proverbs in my post above. If I get started on that topic, I could write a book, but this is just a post so I won't put you through all of that.
Riri, does your husband treat you unkindly and abusively, or is your only issue that he won't change his mind about having a child?
One of my biggest eye openers on the study of marriages was the realization that God would not create the institution of marriage to specifically not work; if you look at what does work and is successful, that must be the answer to what is Biblical. If it is, why and how? That forced my focus off the typical verses into all of Scripture until I realized the depth of riches EVERYWHERE in the Bible applied to marital relationships -such as the example in Proverbs in my post above. If I get started on that topic, I could write a book, but this is just a post so I won't put you through all of that.
Riri, does your husband treat you unkindly and abusively, or is your only issue that he won't change his mind about having a child?
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The only concern/issue is children. He has strong beliefs so it was difficult for me to process and it did make me question God's words which I should not have allowed. I will be getting myself counseling on this issue whether he decides to go or not. Thank you again Endeavourer.
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In our marriage I am the physically stronger one now because at one point I feared that He might start attack me physically so I started training and He knows very well that I can defend myself and I do lift quite heavy. He did calm down and now we get along but more like pals than like a couple in love. I did take some selfdefenceclass too. Fortunatedly He has never hit me or hurt me nor do I intend to hurt Him. I am not a dominant wife but if my husband would become very violent I would most likely stop Him. But aswell I might get divorced then too so I am a careful person. I value what we have and hope and pray for something better but until then I must know to take care of myself too for our kids sake. I think my husband would rather divorce than become violent so that is good but for safetys sake I plan to stay rather strong. Also for other reasons. Like forest work, garden work and wild kids. Women have to think and care for our bodies, we are to carry and birth 2-3 kids and usually we are stuffed with hormones in between. Plus we need to nurse our babies and sit up during nights. I was nursing 5 years nonstop and did not sleep through one night. So those that put up the babymaking until they are rich or in their 30s might find it gets so hard to stay up in the night and patience is getting shorter. I did after all live married 5 years with my husband before we got kids and I swear no pair no family is perfect anymore in this world, not for a long time. Sooner or later one person lies to the other. Christians lie too, unfortunatedly. It is a strange thing when one consider marriage partner. I thought at first a man should protect His woman but I thought well If I marry it has to be someone that is less interested in building muscle than I because I do not really believe I will accept such a man, because most women would fall for Him. So I have this man that is tall lean and fight like a girl and I have been trained by a multiple worldchampion fighter. I must admit, I do not quite understand men yet nor do I understand some women either but I never regret having kids with my husband. God bless You Riri
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evoeth
Man trying to figure things out
Your husband doesn't want to have kids. You want to have kids. You may have to decide which is more important.
Both of you sound overly concerned with concepts of sexual purity and it is clearly negatively impacting your relationship. There are many facets to life and sexuality is only one of them.
Your life is not over because you had sex. Your life is not even broken. Every consequence that you are afraid of here is self-imposed. There is nothing stopping you from having great kids.
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