to those who married a non-believer - was it better than singleness?

mercyfollowsme · Oct 22, 2017

hi

im in my late 40s and still single and considering the nuclear option of marrying a
spiritual "non" believer, but still a nice person etc as the least of evils to staying single going into my 50s.

i know the bible verse about being yoked to a non-believer, but i also think the
bible is silent on the subject of chronic singleness too, so i'll be open minded.

the other option of staying single, facing dark thoughts about christianity and my expanding
gap to other believers who have established social circles, families etc and my own disillusionment with how life turned out.

they are both bad and wrong, but which is worse?

Another Lazarus · Oct 22, 2017

Perhaps you can introduce the goodness and kindness of a christian by marrying a not yet believer that she may know Lord Jesus.

Liza B. · Oct 22, 2017

mercyfollowsme said:
hi

im in my late 40s and still single and considering the nuclear option of marrying a
spiritual "non" believer, but still a nice person etc as the least of evils to staying single going into my 50s.

i know the bible verse about being yoked to a non-believer, but i also think the
bible is silent on the subject of chronic singleness too, so i'll be open minded.

the other option of staying single, facing dark thoughts about christianity and my expanding
gap to other believers who have established social circles, families etc and my own disillusionment with how life turned out.

they are both bad and wrong, but which is worse?

Being a Christian and being single is not bad or wrong. See 1 Corinthians 7, especially the "worldly troubles" that marriage brings, and which Paul wished to spare Christians. We have a problem in the modern American church in that we idealize, and yes, idolize marriage and the family to the point that Christian singles feel bad and wrong. You are not bad or wrong. We are.

So hopefully you can begin to reframe your thoughts about singleness, and find a church where you can get support and find a network. That's for starters.

I think you already know the answer about marrying an unbeliever, don't you?

Prayers for you.

Dave G. · Oct 22, 2017

In my experience don"t do it. I did and it was a horror show, awful. She had no moral compass and ended up unfaithful to me, stating she is no nun and divorced me like I was the enemy.. She was correct really. But worse, she was weakening me spiritually and besides that we had two kids. A non believer blows where the worldly winds take them, to Oprah, bar rooms, where ever the wind blows.

I've now been married for 40 years to a Christian woman who has been with me through thick and thin ( to include raising those two kids), through good and bad times. Huge difference, this one is a bible reader, church goer etc. The other would have left scorch marks on the cover of a bible if she ever picked one up. A non believer is not going to live your Christian walk with you, which I assume is a big part of your life. I'd hold out for God to reveal your mate to you.

Chaplain David · Oct 22, 2017

I recently had an experience with a husband and wife where one was an unbeliever. The unbeliever caused problems that compounded the normal problems inherent in every marriage. Saying this another way, the problems of unbelief and the various ways it is manifested in the person (and couple) really caused this couple to have too many problems to bear. So I'd say wait. Also, introducing the nonChristian to Jesus Christ and making the courting period longer to see how everything goes, could result in many positive things.

God bless you and all the best.

JAM2b · Oct 22, 2017

This is a tough one. Scripture warns about not being unequally yoked, but it also advises what to do if you are.

I married a Christian and the situation was awful. We ended up divorced. He was neglectful, abusive, and unfaithful. He has since turned from Christianity, so it is possible that he was never truly a believer to begin with. I know many non-believers who treat people far better than my ex did.

mercyfollowsme · Oct 22, 2017

JAM2b said:
This is a tough one. Scripture warns about not being unequally yoked, but it also advises what to do if you are.

I married a Christian and the situation was awful. We ended up divorced. He was neglectful, abusive, and unfaithful. He has since turned from Christianity, so it is possible that he was never truly a believer to begin with. I know many non-believers who treat people far better than my ex did.

sounds like a good thing if a nominal christian introduced you to christianity, as a non believer. ironic too, but i think thats a side issue.

it feels like my belief in God is being damaged by my ongoing feelings of neglect and how i view God and his nature.

i almost feel like marrying to get over this vicious cycle, and move on with my life, to get back to having a simple and good view of God that is a constant battle right now.

of course, i would go for someone who is really good. we all know nice, good non-christians that should really be christians if you could stereotype them. one of them.

mercyfollowsme · Oct 22, 2017

Chaplain David said:
I recently had an experience with a husband and wife where one was an unbeliever. The unbeliever caused problems that compounded the normal problems inherent in every marriage. Saying this another way, the problems of unbelief and the various ways it is manifested in the person (and couple) really caused this couple to have too many problems to bear. So I'd say wait. Also, introducing the nonChristian to Jesus Christ and making the courting period longer to see how everything goes, could result in many positive things.

God bless you and all the best.

Human relationships are in our domain, so hoping in a future event, with the idea that God is just waiting for the right moment isnt scriptural and has lead alot of people into false hope about finding the right one.

JAM2b · Oct 22, 2017

I was a Christian long before I met him. Our relationship began by going to church together.

It sounds like maybe you feel neglected by God because you don't have a marriage partner? I find that ironic because I feel more connected and closer to God since divorcing. It's actually something I think about a lot.

Isaiah 54:5

I'm not saying marriage is a bad thing, and I'd like to be married again. However, being single isn't that bad. I have freedoms and a closeness to God that I didn't have when I was married.

mercyfollowsme · Oct 22, 2017

JAM2b said:
I was a Christian long before I met him. Our relationship began by going to church together.

It sounds like maybe you feel neglected by God because you don't have a marriage partner? I find that ironic because I feel more connected and closer to God since divorcing. It's actually something I think about a lot.

Isaiah 54:5

I'm not saying marriage is a bad thing, and I'd like to be married again. However, being single isn't that bad. I have freedoms and a closeness to God that I didn't have when I was married.

life is like that, wanting what you dont have, or never had. all i feel like is walking away from christian life and being one of those people who dont need to go to church. Going there feeling like a weirdo and outsider from people my age who have multiple marriages and teenage children is a real turn off.

JAM2b · Oct 22, 2017

It's hard for me to. I feel the most alone when I am sitting among a congregation. To be surrounded by families seems to emphasize the fact that mine fell apart. I try to focus on the fact that there needs that I can meet others cannot. There is a relationship with me that is unique from others (because everyone is unique). I focus on my life in Christ and where I'm at in my journey. It is easy for that focus to be broken, and to look around and see the lives that others have, or at the least the lives they present to everyone else. However, I have to remind myself of who I am in Christ and that my life and walk with him matters, too. I also have to remind myself that I matter to the church and people around me.

If things aren't moving in the church you are at, then look for another. I'm not a fan of singles groups because it just feels icky. But I am a fan of having as many friends as possible, single or not. The secret to being a healthy single person is to have as large a network of friends as possible.

Dave G. · Oct 22, 2017

mercyfollowsme said:
it feels like my belief in God is being damaged by my ongoing feelings of neglect and how i view God and his nature.

i almost feel like marrying to get over this vicious cycle, and move on with my life, to get back to having a simple and good view of God that is a constant battle right now.

If you want to get on with your spiritual walk and awareness etc, the person to do that with is Jesus Christ, not a non Christian human female. Draw nearer to Him, pray and read scripture and you might be surprised what He does in your situation. I'm speaking about in a personal way anytime anywhere, doesn't have to be in church.

mercyfollowsme · Oct 22, 2017

Dave G. said:
If you want to get on with your spiritual walk and awareness etc, the person to do that with is Jesus Christ, not a non Christian human female. Draw nearer to Him, pray and read scripture and you might be surprised what He does in your situation. I'm speaking about in a personal way anytime anywhere, doesn't have to be in church.

Dave, i know you mean well and its the advice i would give to someone 10 years ago, but there has to be a cut off of things which destroy your soul, your hope, your belief in God's goodness. Praying everyday, seeking God has been my life for years, but it hasnt changed this part of my life.

I dont understand why i have to fight this battle anymore when i want to move on. i cannot reconcile my life with my faith, and its a matter i can control if i should decide to. marriage is not a sin, and the unnatural lifestyle that many single christians have to live these days is not justifiable when they go into their 40s and 50s, when its a product of modern life and demographics.

Divorcees get grace, why not the non-christian engagees?

Dave G. · Oct 22, 2017

I get it, you want a wife.

mercyfollowsme · Oct 23, 2017

Dave G. said:
I get it, you want a wife.

Im not sure you do. I want to end my struggle with God and believe again, i want my life to move on.

Glowing · Oct 28, 2017

I think the heart of the matter is you want to do what the Bible says is wrong, and you'd like someone to give you a free pass or a twisting version of Scripture to soothe your conscience.

So it really boils down to a choice. Are you going to obey Scripture and not be unequally yoked together? Or are you going to disobey and take the consequences. Possible destroy your life and the guy you're going to marry. Yes, there is forgiveness with the Lord (no doubt on that one), but I strongly caution you against presumptive sinning as Psalms 19:13 states "Keep back your servant also from presumptuous sins; let them not have dominion over me!"

Let me ask you this, what will you do when this guy doesn't make you happy or un-lonely anymore? Will you just divorce him and find another guy? Marriage does not bring out the best in anyone, it simply magnifies the problems that are already there. My encouragement to you would be to really let Christ search your heart. Loneliness, desperateness, disillusionment with your faith are all symptoms of a heart that is not truly satisfied with Christ...and believe me, no man can make you happy, no marriage that isn't set on the right foundation will change those feelings you're struggling with right now.

paul1149 · Oct 28, 2017

mercyfollowsme said:
it feels like my belief in God is being damaged by my ongoing feelings of neglect and how i view God and his nature.

i almost feel like marrying to get over this vicious cycle,

That's a dangerous place to be. It's one thing to feel the loneliness, but another to blame it on God. Doing so puts you at odds with God, with the feeling of being alone in the problem, and out of the realm of faith and contentment. Wherever we are in life, God wants to be there with us. Many of the Psalms were written out of the depths of human experience.

We all struggle with issues like that, one way or another, but it's imperative that we overcome them on a daily basis, and affirm the Lord's goodness toward us. Otherwise, trust starts to diminish, and we begin to distance ourselves from Him, and we set ourselves up for making mistakes, possibly big mistakes.

In 1Cor 7 Paul talks a lot about marriage and divorce, and he goes on to give a general rule: be content in the Lord in whatever situation you are in, but if you see an opportunity to improve take it. Being content in the Lord is a protection to us, and at the same time, we are free to look for ways to improve our situation. Doing it that way will help draw the right opportunities to us.

mercyfollowsme · Oct 29, 2017

so the solution is to work on my heart, so I become content with being alone? maybe when I'm 60 or 70, I'll get there. and then look forward to a marriage in my 80s, lets not rush too much.

thats really so typical of the church's response today. I'm sure you mean well, but it doesn't address the fundamental issues.

Chaplain David · Oct 30, 2017

mercyfollowsme said:
so the solution is to work on my heart, so I become content with being alone? maybe when I'm 60 or 70, I'll get there. and then look forward to a marriage in my 80s, lets not rush too much.

thats really so typical of the church's response today. I'm sure you mean well, but it doesn't address the fundamental issues.

Aligning your will with God's does not have to be a decades-long process. In fact you can begin today and in a year, possibly much less see and feel the differences that result from walking with Christ and doing what God says is best for you. Some of this will come from the Holy Spirit if you are open to Him and truly listen.

I think some and also I are saying that submitting to the Lord will bring about the positive changes that you seek. Being an active Christian will help you in every way. Loving God and doing what He wants you to do can only help you. I've found everything that I just said to be true in my own life and in the lives of many others.

You can still have a relationship with the person that you love. But perhaps postponing the marriage while you develop spiritually would benefit both of you. I've been married for 43 years and can tell you from experience that the stronger your faith is and the deeper your relationship is with the Lord, the better your marriage will be no matter who you marry. Also, it not only helps but is extremely gratifying to have a partner who believes with you and all that entails.

Since I am also a counselor I think of things like, have you received any premarital counseling from your pastor or other Christian source? One of our Chaplains here, Dr. Steve J. has done a lot of premarital counseling and He will reply to you if you write Him. It can be in the Ask a Chaplain Forum or a private message. Be sure that you ask that Chaplain Steve respond to your post otherwise you may get Chaplain Patrick or me.

What do you think about what I said? God bless you and I am praying for you both.

Faithfully,

mercyfollowsme · Oct 30, 2017

Chaplain David said:
Aligning your will with God's does not have to be a decades-long process. In fact you can begin today and in a year, possibly much less see and feel the differences that result from walking with Christ and doing what God says is best for you. Some of this will come from the Holy Spirit if you are open to Him and truly listen.

I think some and also I are saying that submitting to the Lord will bring about the positive changes that you seek. Being an active Christian will help you in every way. Loving God and doing what He wants you to do can only help you. I've found everything that I just said to be true in my own life and in the lives of many others.

You can still have a relationship with the person that you love. But perhaps postponing the marriage while you develop spiritually would benefit both of you. I've been married for 43 years and can tell you from experience that the stronger your faith is and the deeper your relationship is with the Lord, the better your marriage will be no matter who you marry. Also, it not only helps but is extremely gratifying to have a partner who believes with you and all that entails.

Since I am also a counselor I think of things like, have you received any premarital counseling from your pastor or other Christian source? One of our Chaplains here, Dr. Steve J. has done a lot of premarital counseling and He will reply to you if you write Him. It can be in the Ask a Chaplain Forum or a private message. Be sure that you ask that Chaplain Steve respond to your post otherwise you may get Chaplain Patrick or me.

What do you think about what I said? God bless you and I am praying for you both.

Faithfully,

Hi David,

Maybe you have the impression that I'm a new believer, or just not active. While I obviously now have real questions about my faith and what i really believe, I've been a christian for 30 years, active in church, and tried to live a Godly life that time.
I believed God wanted me to be single in my 30s and went along with it, in faith for that decade.
Only when i hit my 40s did i start to question God about it, and to my late 40s now beginning to feel grievances that it was all pointless.

So which journey should i carry on with? i dont have a relationship i want to start on, just trying to salvage a battered faith, and making the most of what i have left.

i cant relate to a simplistic message of waiting, when theres no promise behind it.

to those who married a non-believer - was it better than singleness?

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