In need of advice....

Do I fight for my marriage or move on with my Christian walk.

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RaymondG

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OK. This would be the best result for your child - and, if your marriage is restored properly, the both of you can easily be MORE in love with each other than ever before.

It will take a lot of determination and hard work on your part to "rescue" your wife from her addiction to an affair, though, just so you know.

Next step: how long will it take for you to verify whether she has started another affair, or has started to date someone else?
He had a wife and child before this current marriage, he walked out on his current marriage and is starting to have feelings for the next woman.... Why is it that you seem to only find fault in the current wife?
 
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Kyle King

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It is strange how we always take the side of the person writing the post and dont consider the side of the other party. The poster is always in the right and the one posted about, in the wrong. I assure you that, had your wife wrote the post most people would say she deserved better and probably should leave.

What might she have posted?:
Hi, I met a guy when i was 19, He was already married once and had a child, but i loved him anyway. I fell fast a hard (like most teenagers) and we got married shortly after. As i grew into adulthood, like most people, my personality changed a little.....He did not like it. He later started working two jobs and we spent almost no time together...just me, alone at home with Our new baby. I found someone who did like the person i was growing into and we started talking. My husband found out and I immediately stopped. But he still grew distant from the new me. Recently he up and left me and our child. He started our family and then left us high and dry. Now I find out that he has already found someone new to talk to and have feelings for.... What should i do?


I agree with you 100% and I am sorry for branding my self the innocent one. I have done wrong and though I don't condone her actions I can't say that I don't understand them. I am just as guilty in the falling apart of our marriage as she, if not more so. I take full responsibility for my actions and believe that we BOTH need work on our relationship with each other and God.
 
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Kyle King

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Hosea had a specific communication from God to pursue his whoring wife. Unless you have had this very specific revelation as well, the example of Hosea is not binding.

The NT offers the opportunity for a righteous divorce upon either adultery or abandonment of an unbelieving spouse. (There are a few other nuances, but I don't want to derail your thread with a theological debate that is not relevant to you.)

You should fight if you want the marriage back. It will be a hard fight and may or may not be successful, but many men have been successful if they follow a strategic plan.

I can get into the details of the plan if you are leaning in that direction. If your wife is a serial adulteress, your future will be one of surveillance, just so you know, if you do decide to pursue her. I'm not so quick to say she's a serial adulteress even though this is the 2nd affair because you left her to pursue her pleasure. This might not have happened if you had stayed together.

I agree with you. It might be same as I have done myself, someone to talk to because she was lonely. I am not innocent by any stretch of the imagination. I have been researching biblical ways to fix our marriage and is why I am here. If you want to private message me or put it on here is fine. I want to fix my marriage.
 
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RaymondG

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I agree with you 100% and I am sorry for branding my self the innocent one. I have done wrong and though I don't condone her actions I can't say that I don't understand them. I am just as guilty in the falling apart of our marriage as she, if not more so. I take full responsibility for my actions and believe that we BOTH need work on our relationship with each other and God.

I have NO condemnation for you. None. I say, go and sin no more.
 
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Kyle King

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The biblical story of Hosea and Gomer points out the severe pain of infidelity. There is no sin greater than idolatry and God used the closest thing in human understanding (adultery) to convey the severity of betrayal…God wanted the people of Israel to show how much they were hurting Him.

However, another point in the book of Hosea is God’s unconditional love, grace, and faithfulness to His promises…God is all powerful and the ultimate in love and is able to withstand such betrayal and try and bring his people back to Him. You are human so are you capable of such great unconditional love and grace?


Why did God allow divorce for adultery?

Your knowledge of the bible is greater than mine, hence why I am here. Some say fight some say leave because of adultery.
He had a wife and child before this current marriage, he walked out on his current marriage and is starting to have feelings for the next woman.... Why is it that you seem to only find fault in the current wife?

I accepted my first wife back after 3 physical adulterous affairs and the fourth one I finally gave up. That is the reason for my initial hesitation for trying to pursue this one. I know and understand my faults as being an emotionally closed person and I am trying to deal with that spiritually.
 
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Glowing

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Another predicament that I am having is that a Christian woman has started talking to me lately and in very evolved in her church and we have the same values, goals etc. I have known her for a time and it is talking as friends. Though feelings are starting to develop. Am I in Sin by talking to this other woman. My wife and I have signed legal separation papers but in our state we have to wait a year for it to be final because we have a child together.

Yes, it is a predicament, because you're not free and clear yet. By the law, you're still married. So if you're still "technically" married, then you have no business flirting and chatting with another woman. I find it interesting that the question you posted on the beginning of the forum stated, "do I fight for my marriage or move on with my Christian walk". That is not a statement that has an "OR" in it. If you truly follow Christ, then you will keep your vows and fight for your marriage. Following your heart will get you into trouble just like the verses in the Bible promise. The heart is desperately wicked, it always wants the easy way out.

And while flirting and finding emotional comfort in this new woman may seem fun and exciting, you're actually flirting with fire. Not only are you breaking your marriage vows (forsaking all others), you're actually disobeying God at the same time.

So I beg of you, please stop this new relationship with this woman. Don't destroy her life while you're trying to put yours and your children's lives back together. You're not ready legally. And emotionally, you're not ready for another person's life to be accountable for. Remember, every new person you add to this equation, you're adding more and more complications.

I would strongly encourage you to go back to marriage counseling. Even if it's by yourself. You may think you're ready for another woman, but you're not. You need to learn to trust God to help you with your life...not another woman. Because I dare say, if you ignore everything I'm suggesting, in 2-3 years you'll be divorcing this woman because God was not in this marriage.
 
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ValleyGal

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If you want to fix your marriage, please read Dr. John Gottman and Nan Silver's book "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work." It seems several of the principles were violated, and the only way to repair is through a formal reconciliation. The only problem with reconciliation is that it takes two, and she has made it quite clear she is unwilling to go there. So... make your amends and move on - unless she becomes responsive to your formal amends. Please learn about amends before you try to make them. It's not as simple as saying sorry and asking forgiveness.
 
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Kyle King

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Yes, it is a predicament, because you're not free and clear yet. By the law, you're still married. So if you're still "technically" married, then you have no business flirting and chatting with another woman. I find it interesting that the question you posted on the beginning of the forum stated, "do I fight for my marriage or move on with my Christian walk". That is not a statement that has an "OR" in it. If you truly follow Christ, then you will keep your vows and fight for your marriage. Following your heart will get you into trouble just like the verses in the Bible promise. The heart is desperately wicked, it always wants the easy way out.

And while flirting and finding emotional comfort in this new woman may seem fun and exciting, you're actually flirting with fire. Not only are you breaking your marriage vows (forsaking all others), you're actually disobeying God at the same time.

So I beg of you, please stop this new relationship with this woman. Don't destroy her life while you're trying to put yours and your children's lives back together. You're not ready legally. And emotionally, you're not ready for another person's life to be accountable for. Remember, every new person you add to this equation, you're adding more and more complications.

I would strongly encourage you to go back to marriage counseling. Even if it's by yourself. You may think you're ready for another woman, but you're not. You need to learn to trust God to help you with your life...not another woman. Because I dare say, if you ignore everything I'm suggesting, in 2-3 years you'll be divorcing this woman because God was not in this marriage.


I agree with you that I am not ready and that I need to focus on my marriage. Even though she seems like she is not interested at all in recovering the marriage and has even said so, some of her actions speaks differently. Casual conversation via text, calling to ask for advice, etc. I may be reading to much into this I don't know. I have returned to our Christian counselor and I am working on me and becoming a better man and a better Christian.
 
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Glowing

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I agree with you that I am not ready and that I need to focus on my marriage. Even though she seems like she is not interested at all in recovering the marriage and has even said so, some of her actions speaks differently. Casual conversation via text, calling to ask for advice, etc. I may be reading to much into this I don't know. I have returned to our Christian counselor and I am working on me and becoming a better man and a better Christian.

Wonderful news!!! I'm thrilled to hear that you are getting additional help and some lines of communication are still open. So Don't give up, remember that God is still in control even though you may not see it right now. And remember the words of Psalms 27:13-14. "I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord." God is still good in the land of the living -- just where you are RIGHT NOW!
 
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Almost there

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Reader's digest version of what I did:

My wife of 20 years (and three teen or almost teen daughters) decided she didn't want to be married any more. She started a legal separation and we went to several counseling sessions at our church. After several utterly unfruitful sessions (she would listen to nothing anyone had to say nor would she say what I needed to do to save the marriage) the church leadership told me that as far as she was concerned, this was a divorce.

I prayed to God that if we were not to be reunited to free me from my feelings for her. Two weeks later, I noticed, out of the blue, that I had ZERO feelings for her. She was like an ex girlfriend from my distant past. It was kinda weird. At that point I didn't know what to do because I didn't want to enter the dating scene, but I'm one of those guys that really needs to find someone to share my life with.

Well, one week after that revelation, I went to my 25 year class reunion, if only to get out of the house and try to cheer up. I met my current wife there. She was from 2,000 miles away so we had a purely email/phone relationship. I asked her to marry me in August and the divorce was final the following April.

It has been LITERALLY 20 years of bliss since then. She sees me as everything a man should be and I see her as everything a woman should be. We are each other's best friend and never tire of each other's company.

It can happen. You need to find the right woman, and when the one you are married to is not a christian and she leaves you, you are free.

And in case anyone is wondering, yes, I know that when I proposed we were married according to the state, but that is just a tax status. i.e. not relevant.
 
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sdmsanjose

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I accepted my first wife back after 3 physical adulterous affairs and the fourth one I finally gave up. That is the reason for my initial hesitation for trying to pursue this one. I know and understand my faults as being an emotionally closed person and I am trying to deal with that spiritually.

I have returned to our Christian counselor and I am working on me and becoming a better man and a better Christian.


Keep getting all the help that you can and keep working on yourself. You have been beaten down considerably by your first wife and now by your current wife…


You said:


I am just as guilty in the falling apart of our marriage as she, if not more so.

How can you be ‘..more so”?

You being an emotionally closed person does not come close to your wife’s engaging in multiple adultery IMO


Either you are a real bad man that has not told us why you are more to blame for your situation or you are so low in self-worth that you are way overstating your part in your damaged marriage. Which is it!
 
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Kyle King

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I considered myself more to blame at time because at the beginning of our marriage she gave me everything and I was emotionally closed off. I've never hit her or anything and I never would. I have been selfish with my time and sometimes with finances because I thought I made the money. I was wrong. When we would argue I would yell and sometime curse and she would do the same. I have done things wrong in my life but I do not consider myself a bad person. I am a HS Teacher, a coach and Deputy Sheriff. I place a high value on my character and how I conduct myself, though I have let my temper slip a occasionally, in regards to yelling and cursing. Never physically abusive.

I'm not sure the unbeliever leaving the marriage applies to me because technically I was the first one to take my ring off and I moved out of the house. Though I am trying to reconcile my marriage and if she does not reciprocate then I assume that would put me in that category.

That is why I am here, for help with discernment.
 
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Kyle King

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Wonderful news!!! I'm thrilled to hear that you are getting additional help and some lines of communication are still open. So Don't give up, remember that God is still in control even though you may not see it right now. And remember the words of Psalms 27:13-14. "I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord." God is still good in the land of the living -- just where you are RIGHT NOW!

Yes, you are correct. The bible does give you the answers to all questions and God will show you the way. I really need to pray for discernment and what these signs are telling me; Is it my heart or is it God.
 
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