Calling from work: What's excessive?

LovebirdsFlying · Oct 11, 2017

My husband works evening to late night hours. His lunch break usually happens around 7:00 PM. This works well for me because I've always been a bit of a night owl myself. Evening is usually when I'm the most functional.

BUT it can cause a problem too.

It's almost a guarantee his calls will come right when I'm busiest. Honestly, I can be goofing off, and the phone doesn't ring. I start transferring the laundry from the washer to the dryer, or I've just turned on the vacuum cleaner, or I've started concentrating on a project, and that's when the phone WILL ring. Every single time. Of course he has no idea what I'm doing when he calls. It just works out that way. And it breaks up my concentration, and I have to get psychologically back in that place all over again.

I think it's nice that he calls on his lunch hour to say hi and check on things. I don't want to change that. Does he also need to call at two or three other random times during every shift? If I were the one calling him at work so often, his employers would think I'm clingy and emotionally dependent.

Say anything, even one word, and he'll get the idea that I don't want him calling me, ever.

Those of you in marriages where one stays home and the other has an outside job, how many times per shift does the working spouse call home to check on things? Would you say once should be enough?

OK Jeff · Oct 11, 2017

Wife and I are very honest about this. "I'm busy, can we talk later?" Is a reasonable response when it's true.
Or you could use ear buds and work while you talk.

Lulav · Oct 11, 2017

He sounds like he and my husband are twins!

I tell him all the time he has the worst timing.

He used to call me when he worked the second shift at his break time and when he got done, but now he's working first shift and only calls we he's out of work.

Because I know when that will be within 10-15 minutes I don't start anything but he had called when least expecting or I'm in the bathroom or in the kitchen with the a/C on and can't hear the phone.

But when he called at his lunch it was always the same time, doesn't your hubby have a preset lunch break?

I think it's nice that he checks in but for both of your sakes you should set a schedule. I don't like carrying a phone around with me and you probably don't either.

Yesterday I made sure I was by the phone when he got done from work, I even had a shopping list I'd made out because I knew he was going to the store for some things on the way home.

He never called.

He didn't get home until an hour and a half later.

Now I could have called but I'm always afraid he'll be driving and can't pull over. He says he won't but he has and I worry.

So he ate cereal for dinner last night.

His excuses for not calling didn't fly.

He called today and apologized. Something went crazy at work and he just didn't want to call and didn't talk to me about it when he got home.

He said this morning before he went in he took time to pray and was much better. When he called he said he had to apologize to me when he got home, and he did and told me what happened.

I'm glad the prayer worked as only God can help us when we think there's no where to turn, but I'd like to think that him having a cold dinner might have helped too.

LovebirdsFlying · Oct 11, 2017

His hours can vary from day to day. His entire schedule changes as often as every three months. I get a rough idea of when he'll be where, but it's not the same every day. So the calls can be at any random time. I can check the rough estimate and see when his lunch break is that day, and know somewhat when to expect that. But then he also might squeeze in a quick call or two during down time when he's at the transit station, waiting for time to pull out again. Or he might call when he's getting ready to leave work to say he's stopping at the store on the way home, do I need anything?

I think it's the unpredictability that gets me. And the double standard. Because if I were the one calling him at work several times every shift, I'd be clingy and neurotic and all kinds of nasty things.

Lulav · Oct 11, 2017

I understand, men don't see it that way though, he is being from his viewpoint, caring, respectful to see if you need anything, and doing it when he gets a chance to.

If you don't answer, does he get upset with you? If not I would say go about your day or if you have a window when you think he would be calling, do some busy work where you can sit by the phone or have it nearby.

As far as the unscheduled calls when it's in between stuff, then just tell him that you might not always be available to answer as you may not be anticipating his call and are busy with housework.

See how he takes that.

I know how you're feeling, I like DH calling me but sometimes it did make me feel 'put upon' to be expected to be standing by to answer. Understanding my own personality and his has helped a great deal as well as getting him to understand mine.

He can always leave you a message or text might be better.

He could text you something like

Call me if you need anything at the store, I'm getting off around ...

Then you could either text him back right away that you don't need anything or you can wait until around that time to see if you do, then call, if not, then don't, text, 'see you when you get home, XX,

Endeavourer · Oct 12, 2017

LovebirdsFlying said:
Because if I were the one calling him at work several times every shift, I'd be clingy and neurotic and all kinds of nasty things.

This is awful. Has your husband said this?

snoochface · Oct 12, 2017

My husband works from home now, but when he worked on site or at his office, we talked a number of times a day. Sometimes by phone, quick things like, "Do you remember where we put that thing?" or sometimes by text just to say hi, or I love you, and when we were both at our computers we'd sometimes instant message/chat. It was no biggie if one of us was AFK and didn't respond right away. If I missed a call because I was running the vacuum, I'd text when I saw the missed call. If he couldn't text back right away, he'd check back later.

Our schedules didn't perfectly align, but we didn't get bent out of shape if we missed each other, we used multiple platforms, and we stayed in touch fairly regularly throughout the day. Neither of us thought the other to be clingy. We just like to communicate throughout the day.

OK Jeff · Oct 12, 2017

That's exactly how we do it.

LovebirdsFlying · Oct 12, 2017

Endeavourer said:
This is awful. Has your husband said this?

No. It came up in past relationships and I don't want it to come up again.

I should mention that it's a land line. We don't have cell phones because he's technophobic and change resistant.

Endeavourer · Oct 12, 2017

LovebirdsFlying said:
I think it's the unpredictability that gets me. And the double standard. Because if I were the one calling him at work several times every shift, I'd be clingy and neurotic and all kinds of nasty things.

LovebirdsFlying said:
No. It came up in past relationships and I don't want it to come up again.

If I were your husband I'd be very upset and hurt to be blamed for behaviors you encountered in past relationships but that he himself has not done.

You mentioned that a double standard and the names he'd call you "gets you" - it's very unfair and disrespectful to allow something your husband has never said - but that you assumed based on behaviors by another man in a prior failed relationship - to "get you".

LovebirdsFlying said:
...he's technophobic and change resistant.

Hmmm.... what's coming between the lines here is a continuation of the previous disrespect. Does he SAY he's "change resistant"?

What do you think of this quote by Dr. Harley?

"A disrespectful judgment occurs whenever one spouse tries to impose a system of values and beliefs on the other."

LovebirdsFlying · Oct 13, 2017

I didn't think HE would call me those things. His employer and/or co-workers might. That's how it came up before. Previous husband (now deceased) was scolded at work because I was calling two or three times a day. He worked by himself in a parking lot booth, but it was an issue for some reason.

If I mentioned to hubby that I'm afraid of something because it happened that way in the past, he might very well understand. We both have PTSD.

Yes, he himself says he's change resistant. His words.

So today he had the day off. We were both cleaning the house. I am disabled and can only do so much at a time. I reached my limit and had to rest. That's when he picked up the pace. As I was on my way to the bedroom, the phone rang. Right when HE was busiest. And HE grumbled about being interrupted.

I sympathized, told him I know the feeling. Then I got in the other room and laughed myself silly.

snoochface · Oct 13, 2017

It sounds like that would have been a good opportunity for you to broach the subject with him.

LovebirdsFlying · Oct 13, 2017

Yeah, I should have.

Glowing · Oct 26, 2017

LovebirdsFlying said:
I should mention that it's a land line. We don't have cell phones because he's technophobic and change resistant.

Just a thought, you can try a cordless phone or even purchase a hands-free headset that works with landlines.

But as the other posters suggested, honesty is always the best policy. I would encourage you to speak openly to him about the subject. It's great that he wants to talk with you on his break and spend that time, but it is a two-way street. If you're getting upset with him because you need to do other things NOW because of your health (I totally understand that one, because not everything can be pushed till later when you're exhausted) then tell him.

You may have seen the Disney movie Frozen. The main song has a key phrase which I would greatly encourage you to focus on. It says, "The Past is the Past, Let it Go". You mentioned that in other relationships that some nasty things have been said. Please don't bring that to this relationship. That life is now over, and (it sounds like) you have a wonderful man who really loves you and wants to be with you when he can. It's time to let the past stay in the past, forgive those issues that still remain, and let them go. The Bible also has a great thing to say on this subject.
Philippians 3:13-14
Brethren, I count not myself to have apprehended: but this one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind, and reaching forth unto those things which are before. I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.

LovebirdsFlying · Oct 28, 2017

OK, it happened. I tried to bring up the subject.

Maybe I said it wrong. I started out asking why he calls so often. I don't mind him calling on his lunch hour. But at least one other time each shift as well, sometimes two or three other times, besides his lunch break? He asked me why it bothers me. I told him because I'm busy, and I have to stop what I'm doing to answer the phone. Then he asked, how is he supposed to know I'm busy?

Does he honestly think I sit around doing nothing all day, waiting for him to call? (No, I didn't say that.)

And he got mad and threatened to never call me from work again. Completely ignoring, of course, that I said I don't mind him calling on his lunch break. I asked why it has to be one extreme or the other. And he hung up.

So I guess that's why I didn't bring it up before.

jsimms615 · Oct 28, 2017

LovebirdsFlying said:
My husband works evening to late night hours. His lunch break usually happens around 7:00 PM. This works well for me because I've always been a bit of a night owl myself. Evening is usually when I'm the most functional.

BUT it can cause a problem too.

It's almost a guarantee his calls will come right when I'm busiest. Honestly, I can be goofing off, and the phone doesn't ring. I start transferring the laundry from the washer to the dryer, or I've just turned on the vacuum cleaner, or I've started concentrating on a project, and that's when the phone WILL ring. Every single time. Of course he has no idea what I'm doing when he calls. It just works out that way. And it breaks up my concentration, and I have to get psychologically back in that place all over again.

I think it's nice that he calls on his lunch hour to say hi and check on things. I don't want to change that. Does he also need to call at two or three other random times during every shift? If I were the one calling him at work so often, his employers would think I'm clingy and emotionally dependent.

Say anything, even one word, and he'll get the idea that I don't want him calling me, ever.

Those of you in marriages where one stays home and the other has an outside job, how many times per shift does the working spouse call home to check on things? Would you say once should be enough?

Why do you have to answer the phone when it rings? If your busy just call him back later

LovebirdsFlying · Oct 28, 2017

Oh. I should clarify. I can't call him back at leisure. There is no way to reach him directly at work. He is a bus driver, and he doesn't carry a cell phone on him. Even if he did, he of course wouldn't be able to use it while driving. Best I can do, in an emergency, is to call the dispatch office and have a supervisor give him the message to call me. That happened once when his uncle died, and a couple of times when I've been in the ER.

snoochface · Oct 29, 2017

I wouldn't have opened with, "Why do you call so often?" Right off the bat, that sounds like, "You call too much" and maybe that IS what you meant, but it doesn't feel good to hear that. I think if he said something like that to you, your feelings would be hurt. If it were me, my next thought would be, "Why don't you want to hear from me?"

To me, this is a pick your battles moment. Looking back on my life when I'm old, I wouldn't think, "Wow, I'm so glad I had all that laundry sorted and the vacuum run every day" but I might think, "It sure was nice that I had the kind of love with my husband that made him want to hear my voice during the work day."

LovebirdsFlying · Nov 4, 2017

I obviously miscommunicated something. Because it's been several days now, and he hasn't been calling. At all. Just as he threatened. When I asked him why it has to be one extreme or the other, he never answered.

Growing up in a dysfunctional family, I used to be manipulated by use of that "opposite extreme" tactic. If I spoke up about something that was getting on my nerves, then in response, ALL of that "whatever" was withdrawn. No such thing as moderation. It has to be all or nothing. Kind of like what they did to Jan in one episode of the Brady Bunch. She felt overcrowded, and she said something about it. What she wanted was a little peace and quiet and privacy now and then. Her siblings reacted by treating her as if she completely didn't exist. They stopped answering her when she spoke to them. If she walked into the room, they immediately left. It seems to me that her complaint was reasonable, but they did this to punish her for daring to speak her feelings.

And now I'm feeling like I'm being taught the same "lesson." Don't speak up. Either put up with the excess, or you end up not getting any of it at all.

LovebirdsFlying · Nov 10, 2017

Well, the issue got resolved.

I still *sort of* feel like he was punishing me by not calling me at all for quite a few days. He, however, may see it differently. From his end, it may be that he couldn't be sure his call would be welcome. It might be an inconvenient time, and he doesn't want to disturb me, so let's not chance it. So, we can let that part go. We talked it all over.

I told him about my former deceased husband being criticized because I was calling him at work. Even though he was the only one there, and it really wasn't interfering with productivity, this was seen as clinginess and immaturity on my part. I also told him something that I hadn't mentioned here, about a letter I read in an advice column around the same time. In the letter, a man wrote that his wife has mild mental health issues, and he calls her a couple of times daily from work to check on her. His boss also criticized this, and told him his wife needs to grow up and learn to get along without him for a few hours. The advice columnist agreed with the boss. The husband shouldn't be taking time out from his work day by calling home to "appease a neurotic wife."

So all this baggage was swirling around in my head. Wife calls, wife is judged. Husband calls, wife is judged. And that's where my emotional reactions came from.

The unpredictability was getting to me, so we settled that he'll call me on his lunch break. That way, I know approximately when to expect it. Also, he may call right before he leaves work, if he's going to the store on his way home, to ask if we're out of anything he doesn't know about.

My part of the deal is, when he calls, no matter how busy I am or what he interrupted, I won't grumble.

Calling from work: What's excessive?

My husband drew this cartoon of me.

Well-Known Member

Y'shua is His Name

My husband drew this cartoon of me.

Y'shua is His Name

Well-Known Member

Meet the new boss -- same as the old boss.

Well-Known Member

My husband drew this cartoon of me.

Well-Known Member

My husband drew this cartoon of me.

Meet the new boss -- same as the old boss.

My husband drew this cartoon of me.

Christian Life Coach

My husband drew this cartoon of me.

Well-Known Member

My husband drew this cartoon of me.

Meet the new boss -- same as the old boss.

My husband drew this cartoon of me.

My husband drew this cartoon of me.

Similar threads