Married to a Narcissist, Looking at Divorce

FaithlessToFaithful said:

To start it out properly, she has been unfaithful so far as I can tell via an ongoing and intimate relationship with another man. I obviously cannot prove it, having not caught them in bed, but he is an open secret, she spends an incredible amount of time with him, and left yesterday and took her daughter (my step, obviously) to the funeral of his son, who just committed suicide.
She has also expressed disbelief in a God that fits any main stream Christian belief, and seems focused on a God who is designed to keep her happy (financially stable and with a man who provides for that to a higher degree than I do).

I have spent the last 3 odd weeks essentially pleading with her to come to some sort of start to a reconciliation. Accepted a ton of blame, and of course had some bad moments. But, mostly have accepted a huge amount of "you did this, and this". She, however, has accepted no responsibility for anything, is a rager, states "she doesn't know what she wants to do" in terms of our marriage, has gone on a recent campaign of attempting to emasculate me emotionally and psychologically, and on and on.

I held on about as long as I could, have prayed and prayed, and stuck it out on the Christian ideal of Humility and saving a marriage in spite of its wounds. She is really just using me for target practice now.

So...I am looking at a divorce mediator and working out the process of dissolving my home and marriage. I have divorced before, and I know the procedures and all. But I have never divorced from this side of Salvation. I am terrified for many reasons, and am very worried about falling into temptation, due to my loneliness. My church has actually been of minimal help, as large as we are. I can't really find anyone willing to sit down and talk and follow up and counsel. And, believe me, I have tried.

Looking for any thoughts, suggestions, ideas and so forth.

Thank you.

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In the eyes of the Catholic church, there would seem to be good grounds for holding that no formal, Christian marriage was contracted, due to the absence of a 'one to one' commiment to one another. Thus it could be formally annulled, acknowledging, in other words, that no marriage, properly so-deemed, was contracted.

Dude divorce her. She was never yours to begin with, it was only your turn.
When Jesus met the woman at the well she told him she's had 5 husbands. Jesus rebuked her saying the one your with is not your husband. No such thing as serial monogamy. Come up with a game plan, meet with a divorce lawyer and escape your shackles.

FaithlessToFaithful said:

To start it out properly, she has been unfaithful so far as I can tell via an ongoing and intimate relationship with another man. I obviously cannot prove it, having not caught them in bed, but he is an open secret, she spends an incredible amount of time with him, and left yesterday and took her daughter (my step, obviously) to the funeral of his son, who just committed suicide.
She has also expressed disbelief in a God that fits any main stream Christian belief, and seems focused on a God who is designed to keep her happy (financially stable and with a man who provides for that to a higher degree than I do).

I have spent the last 3 odd weeks essentially pleading with her to come to some sort of start to a reconciliation. Accepted a ton of blame, and of course had some bad moments. But, mostly have accepted a huge amount of "you did this, and this". She, however, has accepted no responsibility for anything, is a rager, states "she doesn't know what she wants to do" in terms of our marriage, has gone on a recent campaign of attempting to emasculate me emotionally and psychologically, and on and on.

I held on about as long as I could, have prayed and prayed, and stuck it out on the Christian ideal of Humility and saving a marriage in spite of its wounds. She is really just using me for target practice now.

So...I am looking at a divorce mediator and working out the process of dissolving my home and marriage. I have divorced before, and I know the procedures and all. But I have never divorced from this side of Salvation. I am terrified for many reasons, and am very worried about falling into temptation, due to my loneliness. My church has actually been of minimal help, as large as we are. I can't really find anyone willing to sit down and talk and follow up and counsel. And, believe me, I have tried.

Looking for any thoughts, suggestions, ideas and so forth.

Thank you.

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Just because she (and you) said some words in front of a crowd looking for an excuse to party does not mean she married you.

I do not wish to imply that you are not free from the vows that you make with your mouth, but I feel for you brother because you are bound by the law to a marriage that is not, and may never, in this life at least, be free from the consequences.

If you can maintain the high ground until she openly falls then people might look upon you kindly, but in another case I know, he fell first and became the pariah.

I wish you every assistance and blessing in Jesus name my brother.

One of the many matters I note in mediation is that Christians, for whatever reason, look to the OT, then Matthew through John, for resolving (or argumentatively debating), the marital issues found in the Pauline Epistles. Once couples understand that, rightly dividing the former from the latter clears up (cleans up) many disputes. The stressful goalposts are removed; Spiritual Truth is at the forefront. See 2 Timothy 2:15-16 KJV.

Acts2:38 said:

Scripture states the only cause of divorcing is that someone is unfaithful and has bedded with another.

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That is not true. 1 Corinthians 7:15 says let the unbeliever leave.

In this case you have adultery and an unbelieving wife. If she leaves dont try to stop her. I think you would be justified in saying to her that she needs to make a choice and stay with you and gie up seeing this other man entirely or leave you, if you want to go down that route. She has committed adultery so you are perfectly entitled to divorce.

If you are not able to find anyone in your church to talk to this about I would think that could be a sign to find a new church.

Winken said:

One of the many matters I note in mediation is that authentic Christians, for whatever reason, look to the OT, then Matthew through John, for resolving (or argumentatively debating), the marital issues found in the Pauline Epistles. Once couples understand that rightly dividing the former from the latter clears up (cleans up) many disputes. The stressful goalposts are removed; Spiritual Truth is at the forefront. See 2nd Timothy 2:15-16.

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I get that we must correctly handle the word of truth but...Please explain...?

GirdYourLoins said:

If you are not able to find anyone in your church to talk to this about I would think that could be a sign to find a new church.

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In what country?

Anguspure said:

I get that we must correctly handle the word of truth but...Please explain...?

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I made some adjustments to the post.

Those matters that are covered in the OT concerning marriage, divorce, immorality, etc., and those in Matthew-John, are superseded by the Apostle Paul for those who are about to, or who confess, salvation by Grace through Faith. The rules / regimens found in the former dissipate.

FaithlessToFaithful said:

You eloquently express what I struggle to get out.

I am, in the worlds eyes, a broken and useless piece of crap. Or, to use the Pauline expression, "filth", for those who knew what he actually wrote.

I have sinned greatly, willingly, and did so often.

1 John, 4:10

Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins.

I was proud in my sins, would have spat in the face of the Christ, and laughed at His Crucifixion.

As a result, my life is a complete mess.

His message, to me, is come to Me, live with and by Me, and your life will become as one of Mine.

Thanks be to Grace, because it is all that I had and have.

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Jesus said anyone who blasphemes Him will be forgiven. There is no sin you have committed that cannot be forgiven.

My prayer for you is that your wife will find the fullness of Christ and you can be reconciled. However if she does not want to commit to you and God I feel you should let her go as an unbeliever.

FaithlessToFaithful said:

To start it out properly, she has been unfaithful so far as I can tell via an ongoing and intimate relationship with another man. I obviously cannot prove it, having not caught them in bed, but he is an open secret, she spends an incredible amount of time with him, and left yesterday and took her daughter (my step, obviously) to the funeral of his son, who just committed suicide.
She has also expressed disbelief in a God that fits any main stream Christian belief, and seems focused on a God who is designed to keep her happy (financially stable and with a man who provides for that to a higher degree than I do).

I have spent the last 3 odd weeks essentially pleading with her to come to some sort of start to a reconciliation. Accepted a ton of blame, and of course had some bad moments. But, mostly have accepted a huge amount of "you did this, and this". She, however, has accepted no responsibility for anything, is a rager, states "she doesn't know what she wants to do" in terms of our marriage, has gone on a recent campaign of attempting to emasculate me emotionally and psychologically, and on and on.

I held on about as long as I could, have prayed and prayed, and stuck it out on the Christian ideal of Humility and saving a marriage in spite of its wounds. She is really just using me for target practice now.

So...I am looking at a divorce mediator and working out the process of dissolving my home and marriage. I have divorced before, and I know the procedures and all. But I have never divorced from this side of Salvation. I am terrified for many reasons, and am very worried about falling into temptation, due to my loneliness. My church has actually been of minimal help, as large as we are. I can't really find anyone willing to sit down and talk and follow up and counsel. And, believe me, I have tried.

Looking for any thoughts, suggestions, ideas and so forth.

Thank you.

Click to expand...

Sounds horrible. Nothing hurts like this kind of thing. The problem with humans is we never see the whole picture. Only God does. He knows if you can successfully persue her and win her back or if you cannot. Our problem is that divorce is such an emotionally distabilising thing that we just can't do anything right. I don't mean do the right thing but I mean do the things that can win her heart back. God can actually help with that if your willing. ( We all say we are willing.) But how to get past the emotional upheaval to even hear from God? The Biblical prescription is fasting and prayer. Talking take a week off work. No food at all, just water, and spend that week in prayer and Bible reading. After 5 days you'll have conquered your emotions and find spiritual clarity to be able to hear from God. (Jesus himself had to fast for this purpose, are we better than him?) Will it cost you to take a week off work ? Yes but a divorce is going to cost a lot more. The Bible promises a lot of things along these lines brother. You need to hear from him if you should divorce and if not. Then you need to hear from him on how to win her heart back. If that is possible he knows how but you might not like it. You need to hear though. You'd be awfully lucky to find a marriage councilor who could tell you what God would tell you. How could that compare to getting God's ear over this matter? It can't. Not dissing marriage council but if you can't find it you can't.
I'll say a prayer for you.

FaithlessToFaithful said:

The issue in my Church seems to be a sort of mentality that sees counseling as a formal operation to be handled by a department and an appointment. I can understand that, but for the most part when I have reached out to the pastoral team, they don't really want to talk and counsel, but to give some general observations and refer me to so-and-so who can see me on Tuesdays at 3 pm, when I am working.

I am not needing 24 hour acute care, but it is a bit too "professional" for easy shepherding of the flock.

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A couple of years ago a friend of mine approached me to say he was considering leaving his wife. The fact we could sit down and talk about it was a huge help for him to get things off his chest. In the end I told him he should give his wife an ultimatum that things could not carry on as they were, arranged for the two of us to meet with a pastor to discuss it and told him I would support him whatever he decided.

I think you probably need the same. Just a Christian friend who can talk to you about it and help you get some of the things off your chest so you can make a decision yourself. At the end of the day no one else on here will know what you are going through and it has to be your decision.

I would say your main consideration will be any children involved (I'm sure I read something about kids but cant find it now). When considering them you need to consider who they would live with and whether they would be better off having the fall out of a divorce or living within a family with a clearly not working marriage and the stress and tension that creates.

FaithlessToFaithful said:

Not a bad idea, really. Not sure about a water only fast, but you may be on to something.

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That is what I had to do. Can't guarantee the same results. It was like living through hell. Nothing I did was working, only making it worse. Doing the "right" thing only made it worse. Was going crazy so I was going to go on a 10 day fast just to get my mind back under control. After 5 days he showed up and showed my how to win her back. Sure was not what I imagined God would tell a person and certainly not what any of my many councilors would have told me. It worked though, in a week, after I spent four months only making it worse by doing all the right things, as far as I could tell. Not only did I win her back but about four months later she totally repented and got right with God again.
Back to the point though. You need to hear from God not people. Don't know any other way but to fast and pray. Desperate people take desperate actions.

I'm very sorry you are in this situation.

In this post, I'm not going to address the theology debate on your thread.

Do you want to save the marriage?

If so, there is a plan to save marriages after affairs that has been put together by Dr. Williard Harley based on his observations as to what actions generally resulted in a recovered marriage and which actions generally resulted in a failed marriage. Based on his research, Dr. Harley has had phenomenal success at saving marriages after affairs.

If you want to follow a plan to save your marriage, it's hard work and requires some difficult actions from a husband that many (including some Christians) will not support. Dr. Harley is a Christian and nothing he advises is contrary to his understanding of Scripture. I admit to feeling somewhat shocked at first, but upon further study I can see the rightness (and righteousness) of his plan.

If you are able to keep your focus on your goal and ignore the naysayers, you may very well be able to save your marriage, especially because it seems her affair is still somewhat recent.

Here is a link to quite a bit of information about surviving an affair.
For Newly Betrayed Spouses - Marriage Builders® Forums

This link is on Dr. Harley's forums which is monitored by lay volunteers who have survived affairs and gave the recovery of their marriages the best shot possible using Dr. Harley's plans. Many succeeded, but not everyone does. Much of the success depends upon the wayward spouse being willing to turn back to the marriage. However, if you follow the plan he outlines, based on his research of 10,000's of couples who did and did not survive affairs, you should have the best shot at recovering your marriage.

You can post on the marriagebuilders.com "Surviving and Affair" forum for step by step help from lay volunteers who know the drill and have helped 100's of betrayed spouses follow it. The forum is supervised by Dr. Harley himself to ensure the advise provided to you is according to his experience.

In a nutshell, the plan is:

a) gather evidence that would convince a jury (and yourself)
b) expose the affair to all who would be influential and to the other man's wife, family.
c) the exposure often cracks the addiction the affair partners have for each other and causes the affair partners to see their behavior for the skankiness it is.
d) the exposure also begins to put pressure on the affair as now the two of them are navigating a crisis instead of navigating fantasyland.
e) confront the other man so he will understand that pursuing your wife will be WAAAY too much trouble.
f) monitor locations and communications so you can verify that contact has stopped.
g) have the wayward spouse write a no contact letter to the affair partner that you approve of (and mail). The no contact letter should leave nothing open for future hope if the marriage doesn't work out.
h) eliminate possibility of contact with the other man, even if it means your wife quitting her job or the family moving (continued contact doesn't allow the affair to end but maintains the high of contact/addiction). Every time they see each other again, it's akin to an alcoholic taking another drink.

This is just a quick overview, but it has proven to be very effective at ending affairs. Of any plans out there, it also gives you the best shot at recovering the marriage.

At first your wife will be furious about exposure but that will pass. Unfortunately it is the first step in killing an affair and recovering a marriage; Dr. Harley has rarely seen success without it.