Marriage

May God bless and heal your union in His Merciful Love

jajejllc said:

I know that nearly all counsel I receive has been that I do not need to know and that I just need to forgive the individual. Can I properly offer forgiveness to a person of an offense when I do not know whom to forgive?
Also, there is the issue of "who was it" that Satan keeps bringing up. I do not purpose to consciously think about it and I could be in the checkout lane at the grocery store and there is some man there and the devil says, "Was it that guy?". Or it could be in many other venues. It would be good to know who it was so I could know who it is not. I know the issue has been presented of how one might react in wanting to confront the individual if they knew. I do want to forgive. I do not want to respond inappropriately. I would like to ask the man questions about why and did he know she was married. And what about individuals that knew who the adulterer was. I have heard many testimonies, usually of women, knowing it was their neighbor, co-worker, etc.

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See post #20.

Praying.

There is no need for you to know the person in question but the most important thing is for both of your to get healed. I think your wife need sometime like why yourself. I think as you are working on yourself, you also need to be praying for her for God to touch her heart so that your marriage will not be affected. Amos 3 vs 3: "Can two walk together except they agree?"

Father I thank You for this family, I commit them into Your hands O Lord, please intervene and let this marriage not sink in Jesus name-Amen.

jajejllc said:

My wife and I have been married for 18+ years. We have been separated since Feb. I am wanting prayer for reconciliation. I registered for Christian Forums to ask a question and get counsel from other believers and for prayer for the following. My wife confessed to me in April that she committed adultery in March of this year. It was very painful. I have forgiven her from my heart. My issue that I deal with in a large part is jealousy. But I have been struggling with wanting to know who the other person was. It consumes me at times and comes into my mind without warning at times. Is it proper for me to want to know who the other person is? Should I even be concerned about it? How do I handle it in light of scriptural truth. The only thing that comes to mind immediately is that verse in Hebrews, "whoremongers and adulterers, God will judge. What should be my attitude towards all this?

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Hello,
It's human curiosity to know who is the other one involved but I recommend you do as told in Psalm 55:22; "Throw your burden on Jehovah, And he will sustain you.Never will he allow the righteous one to fall." Spill your heart to God and he will give you the power to overcome those and other difficult thoughts.
Be assured that God understands your feelings. The chosen nation of Israel committed spiritual adultery constantly yet He always hanged on to the promise He made to Abraham. (Malachi 2:13,14).
Your attitude should be the same as Jehovah. The Bible says that God shows mercy to those who repent and turn around from their sins—including adultery (Acts 3:19). If she has repented from her heart and wants to continue the marriage then you should start with a clean slate as that is what God always does. I hope this helps.

jajejllc said:

My wife and I have been married for 18+ years. We have been separated since Feb. I am wanting prayer for reconciliation. I registered for Christian Forums to ask a question and get counsel from other believers and for prayer for the following. My wife confessed to me in April that she committed adultery in March of this year. It was very painful. I have forgiven her from my heart. My issue that I deal with in a large part is jealousy. But I have been struggling with wanting to know who the other person was. It consumes me at times and comes into my mind without warning at times. Is it proper for me to want to know who the other person is? Should I even be concerned about it? How do I handle it in light of scriptural truth. The only thing that comes to mind immediately is that verse in Hebrews, "whoremongers and adulterers, God will judge. What should be my attitude towards all this?

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Your attitude should be of walking out forgiveness...and renewing your
mind on God's Word.
Correct wrong thinking with God's Word.
Read/study/apply teachings in chapter 4 of Philippians.

jajejllc said:

Well for knowledge of the situation, I am currently renting a room from an older lady in our neighborhood and have been since Feb. I moved out in Feb, because my wife said she was going to leave. To keep her from leaving the home and the children, I decided to move out instead. She is against me moving back into the house at this time. She is in our home with our five younger children and continues to homeschool them. She is an awesome woman. I still interact with the children at our home.

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Is this correct: Your wife was going to leave the children?

jajejllc said:

My wife and I have been married for 18+ years. We have been separated since Feb. I am wanting prayer for reconciliation. I registered for Christian Forums to ask a question and get counsel from other believers and for prayer for the following. My wife confessed to me in April that she committed adultery in March of this year. It was very painful. I have forgiven her from my heart. My issue that I deal with in a large part is jealousy. But I have been struggling with wanting to know who the other person was. It consumes me at times and comes into my mind without warning at times. Is it proper for me to want to know who the other person is? Should I even be concerned about it? How do I handle it in light of scriptural truth. The only thing that comes to mind immediately is that verse in Hebrews, "whoremongers and adulterers, God will judge. What should be my attitude towards all this?

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Well.... if you want to reconcile, then I would try my best to figure out how the break down happened.

It's possible it was all her. It's possible you did something. It's possible blaw blaw blaw blaw.... we don't know.

The worst thing that people do, is they have this big reconciliation, without fixing whatever caused the whole problem to begin with, and they get back together without changing anything.

So before we move full speed back together, let's figure out, with as much effort as possible why this happened, before we try and glue this broken vase together again.

Second, I just going to say this out loud, take it or leave it.... do not find out who it was with.

Yes, you want to know. I get that. Yes your emotions are going berserk. I get it. Do not work to find out who. Trust me. Take it or leave it. This is something you will only understand if you find out, that it was better when you didn't know. Just don't even go there.

Thirdly.... Everyone makes a choice. You say you are willing to forgive, then you need to stop thinking and talking about it.

I'll be brutally honest brother, if you pull this off, you are better man than me. If my wife screws some other guy, I'm not on a forum asking for advice. She's gone. Divorce, immediately. That women would not be in my life for even a minute longer. She would be out. Period. No discussion. Game over. Thanks for stopping by, have a nice life.

You choose to forgive and try and make this work. I wish you the best. Hope you don't regret it.

jajejllc said:

Would someone be able to elaborate how a wife can say that she loves the Lord, but does not want to be married and wants a divorce? Especially in light of her husband (me) seeking the Lord and desiring to honor Him, doing his best to be what God wants him to be.

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First, Anyone can say anything. There have been serial murderers that claimed to love G-d. That doesn't mean it's true.

Second, you need to understand that there is no connection between your two sentences.

A: "Would someone be able to elaborate how a wife can say that she loves the Lord, but does not want to be married and wants a divorce?"

is not connected to

B: "Especially in light of her husband (me) seeking the Lord and desiring to honor Him, doing his best to be what God wants him to be."

Those two things are not linked. In your mind you seem to be thinking that if you B is true, if a husband is seeking the lord and desiring to honor him, then the wife should not want a divorce.

Those two things are not linked or connected. The husband could be the most G-dly and wonderful husband in the world, and the wife could still want a divorce.

These are not related things. Do not think that your purity is going to cause someone else to do what you want.

If your 'godlyness' caused others to behave in good ways.... then explain to me how Judas betrayed Jesus Christ to death, just after Jesus literally washed the feet of Judas?

Jesus was more than just 'godly' he was G-d, and Judas sold him out to be killed.

And here's a sick truth of Human nature.

Human being typically respond and learn more from consequences than love. If you think that you are going to love your wife back to your side..... that may work, but typically it does not.

Just look at Israel. Under King Solomon, Israel was so wealthy and so blessed by G-d, they had peace on all sides, and were so prosperous and wealthy, that Silver had no value in the nation. They were so wealthy, that Silver was considered garbage.

And yet it wasn't even one full generation later, and the people of Israel were in idolatry and child sacrifice.

G-d was constantly dishing out or allowing consequences to harm Israel, and then they would return to him.

This idea that if you just love someone enough, they'll come around, usually doesn't work. This is why you have family interventions to confront someone who is addicted. Loving them endlessly doesn't turn them around. What turns them around is confrontation and heavy consequences.

And one last thing...

I mentioned the case of intervention for addiction, on purpose. You are thinking about this in a rational thoughtful way. She is not.

You need to understand that. When someone gets into a affair, it is almost like a drug. It's like being hooked on crack. She isn't thinking logically about this. She's hooked on a drug, and she wants her drug.

If you can think when you first got involved with your wife, and you had this thing going on where you are thinking about her all the time, and all you want to do is be with her, and when you are working you are thinking about what she's doing right then.....

If you had that, that's what she is likely going through. It will be hard for her to snap out of it.

If you want to travel this road, to reconcile your relationship, this is what you can expect to face and need to overcome. You will need a professional counselor to guide you through this. And to be honest, not all counselors are good at guiding people through this.

I'm not trying to put you off. But I'm also not going to white wash this, like it will be easy. It's not. She is going to be jonesing for that other guy, and likely for months.

And just to be honest, she may never come back to you, no matter what you do. That's just a fact. It's one of the reasons, I would never put up with it. I'd send her on her way, and be done with it.

jajejllc said:

Before anyone else responds or before I waste anymore time on a "Christian" forum let me set some things straight.

My wife wants a divorce.
I have accepted it but don't like it.
I believe God hates divorce and that it is supported by Scripture.
My wife says she is a believer and many areas of her life would support this.
My wife says she loves the Lord.
I believe it is better to not make a vow, than to make a vow and not pay, for example, marriage vows, that say until death do us part.
I believe God is big enough to heal anything or anybody.
I also believe man has to choose.
Yes, I want my family back together, as I believe it will honor God and that it is His desire.
I believe I am wasting my time on this forum.

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Seems a bit odd. It is a forum for Christians, but there are non-christians here. It's just like any church. Just because people show up at a church, doesn't mean they are christian, anymore than sitting in your garage makes you a car.

Try not to be so harsh. There are people who care and are trying to give good advice.