HELP!my husband is really not who I thought he was

@Papias and @Endeavourer, we had a rather interesting weekend. It ended with the children both finding out why we don't live at home any more, my husband going to the ER, a protective order, and my sister in law's husband being arrested.
On Friday my husband and my father in law demanded that I return home with our child our at the very least move out of my sister in law's place and into my father and mother in law's if I didn't want to stay in the same house with my husband. At the same time my father in law applied pressure to my sister in law to evict me and my son by Saturday. My sister in law's husband, being the level headed peaceful, respectful, and nonviolent individual he is issued him what amounted to a "make my day" response. A normal person would have just alerted law enforcement that there would be a potential for a confrontation but in his infinite wisdom he decide to invite a couple of his friends, his cousins and his brother over for a "family get together and BBQ". As expected there was a HUGE blow up when my in laws and husband came to confront my sister in law's husband. This happened around noon on Saturday. My husband and his father came over, sister in law's husband was up drinking and smoking a brisket since 3 or 4 in the morning so there was a fist fight. I am not sure exactly who the first punch (sister in law, sister in law's husband's brother and cousin say my husband started it while father in law says sister in law's husband started it. All I saw was sister in laws husband flip my husband into a table and was pummeling him, father in law tried to pull him off my husband and he was hit too. My husband had to be transported to the ER for a concussion. Police were called and they ended up arresting sister in law's husband for elder abuse, public intoxication and Assault. In that whole process the police spoke to all of us, me, my inlaws, my sister in law, my son, my niece, and the whole story came out. The police were very unsympathetic and their disposition was regardless of the nature of the inappropriate contentography I have no right to prevent my husband from seeing his son and what I was doing could be interpreted as interference of custody. I was extremely lucky that sister in law's best friend the attorney was there too and jumped in and told the police that in absence of a court order there is no legal grounds to charge a mother with interference of custody, he also reminded them that it is the job of the police to enforce the law not interperate them.
Also here is something else messed up about our justice system. I was unable to get a protective order due to the nature of my husband's fetish. I was told that there is nothing illegal about that. When they released my sister in law's husband he suggested that I try for the protective order by claiming abuse. This is where I don't know if I am on shaky moral grounds or not. To be truthful, my husband had never hit me or order wise done anything which fits the secular legal definition of spousal abuse. The attorney pretty much confirmed that. Sister in law's husband suggested stretching the truth slightly and taking out of context some statements by my husband to secure the order. What we ended up doing was going through my husband's "stories" and pulling all the snippets where he referred to me as a "husow", "pig", "fat pig", "fattened sow ", etc. My sister in laws husband helped me carefully word an affidavit where I level the charge that my husband constantly "verbally abuses" me by calling me a pig. We then used the story snippets to support the fact that my husband has on "multiple occasions called me a pig and stated that my worth is predicated on the value of my flesh as a pork by product". His buddy then coached me on how to speak in front of the judge as to not purger my self (according to him it would not be purgery if I never actually say that he called me a pig to my face) he said that the bane of the game is to convince the judge that my husband is constantly verbally abusing me, threatening to beat me, with out actually saying he did. This actually worked out and I was granted a protective order yesterday. So my new question is, was it moral to obtain the protective order by going this rout?

sdmsanjose said:

What is moral is that you protect you and your child from a twisted man! Good Job!

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That I know but the "so help you God" part still bothers me

Endeavourer said:

These snippets stood out to me:

=>On Friday my husband and my father in law demanded that I return home with our child our at the very least move out of my sister in law's place and into my father and mother in law's if I didn't want to stay in the same house with my husband.

=>At the same time my father in law applied pressure to my sister in law to evict me and my son by Saturday.

=>As expected there was a HUGE blow up when my in laws and husband came to confront my sister in law's husband. This happened around noon on Saturday. My husband and his father came over, sister in law's husband was up drinking and smoking a brisket since 3 or 4 in the morning so there was a fist fight.

=>I am not sure exactly who the first punch (sister in law, sister in law's husband's brother and cousin say my husband started it while father in law says sister in law's husband started it. All I saw was sister in laws husband flip my husband into a table and was pummeling him, father in law tried to pull him off my husband and he was hit too.

First of all, I'd ask your attorney about getting a restraining order against your father-in-law also. He is WAY too much of a busybody getting himself in your marriage's business. Here you have quite a bit of threatening and stalking going on from both him and your stbXhusband.

And then also:
=>The police were very unsympathetic and their disposition was regardless of the nature of the inappropriate contentography I have no right to prevent my husband from seeing his son and what I was doing could be interpreted as interference of custody.

I'd file something ASAP with a separation, custody and child support plan. A judge has a better perspective to recognize danger to a child. You can ask that his dad have supervised visitation. Something doesn't smell right with the police interaction. They are called to a place because a father addicted to deviant inappropriate content showed up to cause an altercation with his wife and they are siding with him? Does your husband, father in law or church have any connections to the police? This sounds a bit set up.

=>His buddy then coached me on how to speak in front of the judge as to not purger my self.

=>So my new question is, was it moral to obtain the protective order by going this rout?

On the whole I feel you are very justified in securing a restraining order. They don't need to be stalking after you to harass you like that.

What's done is done, but I'd recommend talking to your attorney about the merits of getting a hearing asap to establish custody/supervised visitation and some financial support. Tell the judge you don't want your son in the home alone with his dad because that's where his dad spends all day looking at this inappropriate content, and your son may be exposed to it. Also, your husband may have inappropriate content in the family computer history and your son could stumble across it that way. Let the judge know the substantial amount of time your stbXhusband 'invests' in deviant inappropriate content.

In any of your records on what he has viewed, are there any images of women who might not be of age yet (or are borderline)? Do they ever use the word "girls"? If so, you may need to take precautions as to whether the deviancy includes a taste for child inappropriate content - which again, is a risk factor for your son.

Ask your attorney if there is a strategic advantage in you beating your husband to court with this type of filing.

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All this was taken care of yesterday. For now I am staying still with my sister in law and her husband. There are now criminal trespass warnings all around. My in laws and husband are not allowed over at this house and my sister in law's husband is not allowed over at theirs. For now my sister in law is the designated intermediary. The protective order covers both myself and my son, the judge agreed that it is in the best interest of the child to NOT have visitation supervised or otherwise (we had the school counselor chime in on that one).
Unfortunately my sister in law's husband had been charged with assault, elder abuse, and resisting arrest. He doesn't seemed bothered so I guess I am not either. He goes to pretrial in 3 weeks but his attorney buddy is due he can get the charges dropped. The only sticky issue is because this is the second time he has been charged with assaulting my husband. He pleaded nolo contendre last time.

sdmsanjose said:

Get a copy of the police report of the fight.That report will prove that your husband was involved in an assault crime! The fight proves that your husband is capable of violence and the judge will be interested in that information.

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Unfortunately the police report has my husband listed as the victim. My sister in law's husband was the one who got charged with assault. This was due to the proponderence of evidence that my sister in law's husband not only instigated the situation but was looking to cause injury to my husband and father in law (text messages, social media boasts, etc.). Also when the police responded he was drunk, belligerent, and hostile where as my husband was unconcious and with a concussion. My sister in law and her husband don't seem worried though, they told me that this is "normal ".

Endeavourer said:

I'd file something ASAP with a separation, custody and child support plan. A judge has a better perspective to recognize danger to a child. You can ask that his dad have supervised visitation. Something doesn't smell right with the police interaction. They are called to a place because a father addicted to deviant inappropriate content showed up to cause an altercation with his wife and they are siding with him? Does your husband, father in law or church have any connections to the police? This sounds a bit set up.

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No, this is actually very par for the course. Although my sister in law's husband has done more than I deserve to protect me, the fact remains he is still a major jackass. He rubs people the wrong way, he is extremely belligerent and he isn't exactly unknown to the local police. "Hootenannies" at his place, he calls them, often bother his neighbors leading to complaints to the police. When the police arrive, he is not exactly respectful to them so the police are not huge fans. This is why police are usually sympathetic to the side he is not on.
When the police arrived the scene they arrived to was an unconcious man laid out on the lawn, a 65 year old with a black eye, and a drunken 30 something carousing, boasting, and working up a croud. Naturally they spoke to my injured father in law first so they got a really skewed view of what happened. That coupled with the fact that my mother in law was able to produce a lot of documented proof of my sister in law's husband harassing them and my husband made the police very very unsympathetic towards me. In short we didn't appear to be the victims.

Endeavourer said:

Glad to hear the updates as it seems things are going well for you. For your BIL, not so much.

However, if you can stay gracious and allow the fruits of the Spirit to work their way out during your stay there perhaps that might minister to him. It's very hard to do this during a crisis when you are being attacked.

SO VERY GLAD the judge has restricted visitation for now since your stbX is acting out this way. Generally this type of behavior is a getting-even or lashing out kind of behavior to manipulate and control you and not a genuine desire to see his son. Fathers who want the good of their children don't stage scenes against their sanctuary or mothers like this. Those fathers act quite differently, even if they are in the right and the mom is in the wrong.

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Funny you should say that about my sister in law's husband. I have actually been thinking about his character a lot and I am really beginning to understand him a lot more. Honestly listening to him and interacting with him is giving me a whole new perspective on how some people grow to dislike Christians and Christianity. That in and of itself should be the topic of a whole other discussion.

Tropical Wilds said:

If your brother-in-law isn’t worried, then I wouldn’t be worried either. And I don’t see charges sticking either... They said they were coming to start trouble but instead they found trouble. You can’t say you’re the victim when you say you’re coming over to cause problems at somebody else’s house but you got your hit whooped instead. Again though, that’s not a designation for police to make. They just operate on the laws broken they can see and let the guys in suits figure the rest out.

And I wouldn’t worry about who the victim is listed as in paperwork either. As somebody who’s copied over about a BILLION police reports, every incident that has a complaintant has a victim. As the complaintant by default (a man clear signs of assault), that means your ex/FIL will be the named victims. You might even find that they demanded charges were pressed which, by default, makes them the victims. In mutual combat cases, there’s often multiple reports that show one person a victim in this report and then as the accused in the other paperwork. It’s not a statement of guilt or innocence or even instigator or not, it’s simply a way to track each party involved in the context of that report.

As far as the police attitude, I’m surpised but also not. Their job is to enforce and protect, not mediate family civil matters and if they made a statement of any sort then it means they get pulled into court for one party or the other and no officer ever wants that for something like a non-formal custody dispute. The rule of thumb for police is “it’s not illegal until it is,” meaning they will never say something is illegal if there is nothing they can do about it.

Your friend is right in that in most states, without a court order, you’re not denying custody but simply a Mom on vacation. Your husband can threaten all he wants but, if you’re one of the most states, there’s not much he can do. That said, there will be a point where he can claim you abandoned the marriage and start the process against you. The sooner you firm up legal separation, the better.

And no, I don’t think you lied. He did threaten to do all of those things, in writing. So he didn’t say it to your face, but he said it and you clearly feel threatened. If he had said to somebody else via text “I’m going to kill her,” would you feel threatened he’s talking like that or would you say “at least he didn’t say it to my face” and let it go? Get a lawyer to help you out, not that he denies it (and he will deny it) and makes an action on you legally that you don’t know how to respond to. Protect you. Battered wonen’s facilities can help you lawyer up. Or ask your BIL, he seems the expert.

Also, I’d leave that house ASAP and make sure the school knows there’s a protection order and Dad can’t come to get the kid at school. While you can do what you’re doing because you’re operating without official orders, so can he, which means unless there’s proof otherwise he will be allowed at the school to get your child.

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Well, the divorce is in process now. My husband and my in laws are fighting me on custody and it looks like it will be drawn out. Charges against my sister in law's husband have been dropped for the most part except for the public intoxication charge and I think he doing community service for that one (apparently he is going to pick up trash at s park or something like that). Things are going to be very hard for a while. I had to move out of my sister in law's house. I just cannot stay there anymore. I will forever be thankful for them taking me in but it is literally impossible for me to raise my son by what I believe to be good morals in that home.