Parents pressure marriage

Fivesenses · Oct 1, 2017

Question guys...I'm kind of stuck in a sticky situation between bf's side and my family's side. We have been officially together for nearly 1.5 years and started dating with the intention of marriage. At this point, it's not really about 'if' but rather more so about 'when'. I'm in my mid twenties and he is approaching thirties. Both are full time employed with stable jobs and he did buy a house a while ago (so financially we are not broke). We've been in touch with each other's family over the course of the past year.

My parents: want to know where we are heading in terms of the near future so they can plan their schedule. They want us to get married soon and are concerned because I'm apparently at the peak of my child bearing age. So they kind of want to know that I'm not getting stringed along (which I'm certain I'm not) and want a clearer response from my bf about what he is intending to do with our relationship. They believe there's nothing wrong with prompting him without telling him to get married or anything.

My bf: he is cautious and responsible type - wants to pray about this before moving ahead with the timeline and next season of our relationship, which I appreciate very much. But as to how exactly God will make it clear to him when the right timing is, he hasn't really explained it to me. I consider him a godly man and I know he is serious about this relationship. His mum has been unwell physically for quite some time (in terms of tiredness, headache and dizziness) and I believe he wants to delay the timing of marriage because of this since he does most of the helping out around the house compared to other siblings. My parents find it difficult to accept this as the reason though. He did mention that we should get married soon but it's kind of on/off in terms of him actually seriously talking about it or putting things into action.

Me: I don't want him to propose or do anything due to external pressure (and he's been getting these questions from many people already including his grandparents, family, friends, mentors etc) because it can backfire later when it isn't primarily motivated by his own desires and free will. I think it's pretty clear that he doesn't want to get married in the next few months because if he did, he would do it on his own accord? I've come to terms with waiting and want to give him this opportunity to initiate and lead our relationship - and trust that God will lead him in this area. I'm not in a hurry to have kids either. My parents on the other hand, think I'm too passive and tolerant.

I don't know whether I should put my foot down and set some boundaries with my parents at this stage? - i.e. respectfully telling them not to interfere. Or should I allow them to be involved in this case and gently nudge him?

Drick · Oct 1, 2017

If you're both serious, there's absolutely no reason you shouldn't get married tomorrow (barring time and financial constraints, of course).

Fivesenses · Oct 1, 2017

Drick said:
If you're both serious, there's absolutely no reason you shouldn't get married tomorrow (barring time and financial constraints, of course).

So you reckon I should just let them ask him?

Paidiske · Oct 1, 2017

Do you live with your parents? If they're supporting you practically, I think that gives them more leeway to enquire into when that arrangement might end.

I'd also wonder... is he generally a fairly decisive person, making plans and taking action to fulfil them? Or is he more of a passive, go-with-the-flow type? Because my observation is that the latter tend to need a bit of nudging about major life decisions, because they don't have that sense of urgency and are content to drift for a long time.

Fivesenses · Oct 1, 2017

Paidiske said:
Do you live with your parents? If they're supporting you practically, I think that gives them more leeway to enquire into when that arrangement might end.

I'd also wonder... is he generally a fairly decisive person, making plans and taking action to fulfil them? Or is he more of a passive, go-with-the-flow type? Because my observation is that the latter tend to need a bit of nudging about major life decisions, because they don't have that sense of urgency and are content to drift for a long time.

I do live with them but I pay for myself as it's a cultural thing to stay with parents until marriage. He is a mixed bag... rather than being indecisive, he likes to put things off until later especially when it comes to major purchases or decisions unless there is a clear need to make a decision right there. I wouldn't say he is passive... just likes to take things slow before stepping forward and consider what might be involved. It goes the same for purchasing big things like car, house, digital tech etc so I guess marriage is similar.

But other times he can be very determined, taking initiative with implementing new ideas for job projects / career wise. He can also be quite impulsive other times eg deciding to go on trips last minute etc. He definitely does get things done diligently when he gives himself a checklist.

Fivesenses · Oct 1, 2017

I think there will be a conflict of interest of some sort -

My bf will want to postpone any plans because of his mum's health and won't go ahead with marriage until his mum is healed. My parents won't be able to understand why and the indefinite waiting might cause frustration on their part.

I'm stuck in between ... while I do want to get married and think it is a bad idea to wait without a timeline in sight since I'm nearly past my mid twenties (his mum's health seems to fluctuate) I also understand his desire to honour her. It's causing a lot of stress on my part because I've got all these people asking me while I'm trying to keep the peace/ not give him any pressure.

On top of that we've got to battle the sexual temptation and it just feels like waiting without an end in sight. If it is about saving money, I can be more frugal, if it is learning to cook I can practice cooking more meals, if it is a personality clash I can work on compromising but when it comes to his mum's health it is kind of beyond my control and power.

I really am lost in terms of what to do guys...stuck between my parents and him. Not wanting to add pressure to him, setting appropriate boundaries for my parents but knowing their frustration.

Paidiske · Oct 1, 2017

Does he maybe need to have a conversation with some of his siblings, setting out his desire to be married, and their need to step up and do their share of care?

Fivesenses · Oct 1, 2017

Paidiske said:
Does he maybe need to have a conversation with some of his siblings, setting out his desire to be married, and their need to step up and do their share of care?

I think he tends to want to do the errands because I guess he trusts himself in this area whereas the siblings might be more impatient or unavailable.

Poppyseed78 · Oct 1, 2017

I don't really think your parents should get involved. In my opinion, their interference would just add more confusion and frustration to the situation. But I would bring up the topic of marriage to him, myself.

I understand he wants to honor his mother, but using her health as a reason to put off marriage is silly. It sounds like a weak excuse. He can be married and still help her. And there is the possibility it will take years for her health to improve. Does he really intend to put his own future on hold, as well as yours, in the meantime?

Fivesenses · Oct 1, 2017

Poppyseed78 said:
I don't really think your parents should get involved. In my opinion, their interference would just add more confusion and frustration to the situation. But I would bring up the topic of marriage to him, myself.

I understand he wants to honor his mother, but using her health as a reason to put off marriage is silly. It sounds like a weak excuse. He can be married and still help her. And there is the possibility it will take years for her health to improve. Does he really intend to put his own future on hold, as well as yours, in the meantime?

I think what they are trying to do is not necessarily tell him to hurry up and get married but rather ask both of us when he is there what we are planning to do in the upcoming year - whether there's a desire to continue dating or move ahead with marriage plans. They are more so looking for a kind of update on the progress of our relationship rather than just dating indefinitely and being unsure whether he actually sees a marriage with me.

I guess from the way things are going, it's either his mum's health improves and we go ahead with talking about marriage or we pray for her healing in the mean time while waiting. My fear is that I don't know how long this might take and whether it means another few years for God to make it clear that it is the right timing. I'm just trying to be patient and praying meanwhile hoping that I can deal with the tension for however long it takes.

Kit Sigmon · Oct 1, 2017

Fivesenses said:
Question guys...I'm kind of stuck in a sticky situation between bf's side and my family's side. We have been officially together for nearly 1.5 years and started dating with the intention of marriage. At this point, it's not really about 'if' but rather more so about 'when'. I'm in my mid twenties and he is approaching thirties. Both are full time employed with stable jobs and he did buy a house a while ago (so financially we are not broke). We've been in touch with each other's family over the course of the past year.

My parents: want to know where we are heading in terms of the near future so they can plan their schedule. They want us to get married soon and are concerned because I'm apparently at the peak of my child bearing age. So they kind of want to know that I'm not getting stringed along (which I'm certain I'm not) and want a clearer response from my bf about what he is intending to do with our relationship. They believe there's nothing wrong with prompting him without telling him to get married or anything.

Your boyfriend don't need your parents "prompting" and or "pressing" him to hurry up and marry you.
Nor do you need your parents riding you about marrying and having babies.
Your childbearing age is whenever the good Lord chooses.
My niece just had her first child and been married about two years...and she is 35.
Her boyfriend is the cautious and responsible type as well.
I see real value in having such a young man in the family and thus far they have done amazingly well and did right by not rushing to get married when they were in their early twenties.
He's wise and has made good investments, so our niece
can decide if she was wants to be a stay at home mom for as long as she wants.
At this time she's been a mom for a week and has decided to take a year off from her career and hints she'd be of mind to extend that time.
We're all excited for them and looking forward to traveling to where they live next week to meet their baby girl.

My bf: he is cautious and responsible type - wants to pray about this before moving ahead with the timeline and next season of our relationship, which I appreciate very much. But as to how exactly God will make it clear to him when the right timing is, he hasn't really explained it to me. I consider him a godly man and I know he is serious about this relationship. His mum has been unwell physically for quite some time (in terms of tiredness, headache and dizziness) and I believe he wants to delay the timing of marriage because of this since he does most of the helping out around the house compared to other siblings. My parents find it difficult to accept this as the reason though. He did mention that we should get married soon but it's kind of on/off in terms of him actually seriously talking about it or putting things into action.

Me: I don't want him to propose or do anything due to external pressure (and he's been getting these questions from many people already including his grandparents, family, friends, mentors etc) because it can backfire later when it isn't primarily motivated by his own desires and free will. I think it's pretty clear that he doesn't want to get married in the next few months because if he did, he would do it on his own accord? I've come to terms with waiting and want to give him this opportunity to initiate and lead our relationship - and trust that God will lead him in this area. I'm not in a hurry to have kids either. My parents on the other hand, think I'm too passive and tolerant.

I don't know whether I should put my foot down and set some boundaries with my parents at this stage? - i.e. respectfully telling them not to interfere. Or should I allow them to be involved in this case and gently nudge him?

As you have said, your boyfriend has enough people questioning him...save him from further questioning from your parents. The last thing you want is your parents putting the idea in his head that they are the pressuring and or the controlling types...cause that's broken up many relationships.

I know about having a sick parent, and I also know how that can effect a relationship...specially a marriage.
My own mom has bad health and when I was in my twenties... I had a couple of boyfriends who told me they would of liked to marry me but they didn't want the extra burden of providing for my sick mom and they weren't going to like me going over to her place to care for her each day.
Nor did they want her living with us should we marry.

My first marriage wasn't a good one and he resented my mom being sick/ unable to work...my first husband didn't help me with my mom, so I ended up working two jobs shortly after we were married.
I would of had to work another job regardless because I found out too late that my first husband had many, many unpaid debts...

If you have a boyfriend who takes his responsibilities seriously, you are blessed!
Pray for him and keep trusting the Lord, believe what the Word of God says and
walk it out each day.
Marriage is a serious thing, don't rush into it...take your time young lady and don't
let your parents, friends, relatives press you or your boyfriend to "hurry up and marry".
There's many young marriages at my own church that have crashed and burned
and the children be suffering. I see it each week and it's truly heartbreaking.
Take your time, be prayerful about marriage to each other and stay close to the Lord.

mina · Oct 1, 2017

I think you should bring it up with him yourself. I think the more your parents are involved the more problems it could cause- not only now but in the future. If you are in a serious relationship with him; you have every right to ask where the relationship is going and see if you agree on timelines. You both need to be honest to one another about how you feel and know how the other stands.

Fivesenses · Oct 1, 2017

Hmm ok I'll make sure my parents quit asking to avoid overstepping boundaries. If it is up to me, I'd probably wait until half way through next year to talk to him about it seriously. I just think if he truly wants to get married, then he will take the initiative regardless of the issue and stop being dictated by other things. However, I'm getting tired of raising my hopes ..this whole thing is quite confusing.

I dislike this whole we will talk about it later dialogue and all the questions I'm getting from people. I try to be understanding towards my bf while keeping peace with everyone else. There are days when my patience runs thin - a time when prayer is much required.

Paidiske · Oct 1, 2017

Prayer, and communication. I think it would be good for him to know that this is the effect it's having on you.

Fivesenses · Oct 1, 2017

Arhh I tried to stop my parents but they are determined to clarify things with him - they said I'm free to date whoever I want but they are on the verge of not giving their blessing for our marriage if he continues to be so wishy washy. They said they don't ask him to marry soon but just setting a timeline from now (next year, 2 years, 3 years?) so at least the thing is settled and we can work towards marriage rather than hanging.

They are pretty adamant about the timeline. I don't know what to do- I have tried to stop them asking about our future plans but... sigh.. it's creating a lot of stress and anxiety for me and I've not been able to sleep well feeling like I'm caught up between them

GirdYourLoins · Oct 1, 2017

For me the issue would be sex. I have a reasonably strong sex drive so waiting and waiting would not be right for me. If you are both able to abstain and not burn with desire then there is no rush. However if you are having a physical relationship before marriage or burning with desire you should marry as soon as you can. In fact I would say if you are having a physical relationship you should stop until you are married. That would probably make him make his mind up as well, although he may see it as a reason to leave you.

Fivesenses · Oct 1, 2017

No we are waiting until marriage to have sex and I did say that making this waiting longer is not good. We want to honour God with this relationship

tturt · Oct 2, 2017

Good for you!

Encourage everyone to let him decide. Sometimes the more pressure is applied, the more the opposite behavior surfaces.

Odetta · Oct 3, 2017

There must be some cultural influences that make your parents (and perhaps you, too?) think they have a right to interfere, to put pressure on and give ultimatums to your boyfriend. That is not my culture, so I don't understand it. From my own cultural standpoint, for the health of your relationship with your boyfriend, they need to back off. It's simply not their call when you get married. Again, that's my culture. How would it affect your relationship with your parents if you set your foot down and told them to just stop already? Is that what you're really worried about, perhaps?

Also, something to think about, if they are already interfering in your marriage before it's even happened, how much do you think they will interfere after you're married? I honestly don't think they're going to stop, based on their behavior right now, even if you manage to jump this particular hurdle unscathed. Parental interference can destroy marriages. So I think you're main concern is not only protecting your boyfriend from their pressure, but also protecting yourself and your future marriage.

Only you can decide for yourself how long is too long to wait for a proposal.

Fivesenses · Oct 4, 2017

Thank you for all your contribution and help. The conversation did happen and it didn't turn out to be the pressuring /intimidating one I anticipated and both sides were civil. Anyways, things are moving along but yes in response to the above poster, I am quite concerned about parents interfering not only from my side but also his. The whole courtship thing about parental involvement is giving me a headache and it is one primary reason I don't want to live with my parents or in-laws after marriage just to avoid unnecessary hurt. I want to get my own place with him and start anew after marriage (even though there's probably money saving or cheaper options but it entails more difficulty cutting apron strings) so I would rather live in my own house. But I think his family has a different idea...I knew in-law problems would come up but ...I feel like I'm the only one stressing here...haha

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