Hopeless spiritual crisis

Gabriel Anton

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Hi-

Been very touched by what you have gone through......

A few ideas come to mind:

Since you are drawn to Catholicism, have you looked into the Catholic understanding of the unpardonable sin? It is quite different from Protestant views on it. I did a little research and here is the eseence of what the Catholic Church says of the Unpartdonable Sin:

"CCC 1864 "Therefore I tell you, every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven men, but the blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven." There are no limits to the mercy of God, but anyone who deliberately refuses to accept his mercy by repenting, rejects the forgiveness of his sins and the salvation offered by the Holy Spirit. Such hardness of heart can lead to final impenitence and eternal loss."

I also wonder if you have tried the Jesus prayer? I hear you say over and over that you feel nothing and that thoughts crowd your mind all day..... it is quite simple to do- You just pray this simple prayer
"Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me" over and over. I would be curious what would happen if you were to sit for 20 minutes and repeat it..... when I am completely lost it is a prayer I turn to....

Lastly, I am wondering if you had what is called a nondual awakening. It is not really talked about amongst modern day Christians, and when I had one I had to look outside of mainstream Christianity for answers..... the essence of it is that there is a part of us that is always at peace, always neutral, a neutral witness. You've made many statements that lead me to wonder if you've had one of them.

There are some refferences in the Bible to this state, a good article can be read here: Nonduality in the Bible ... and us

Hope some of that helps, let me know

Warmly,

Truth
 
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Galnaros

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Hi-

Been very touched by what you have gone through......

A few ideas come to mind:

Since you are drawn to Catholicism, have you looked into the Catholic understanding of the unpardonable sin? It is quite different from Protestant views on it. I did a little research and here is the eseence of what the Catholic Church says of the Unpartdonable Sin:

"CCC 1864 "Therefore I tell you, every sin and blasphemy will be forgiven men, but the blasphemy against the Spirit will not be forgiven." There are no limits to the mercy of God, but anyone who deliberately refuses to accept his mercy by repenting, rejects the forgiveness of his sins and the salvation offered by the Holy Spirit. Such hardness of heart can lead to final impenitence and eternal loss."

I also wonder if you have tried the Jesus prayer? I hear you say over and over that you feel nothing and that thoughts crowd your mind all day..... it is quite simple to do- You just pray this simple prayer
"Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me" over and over. I would be curious what would happen if you were to sit for 20 minutes and repeat it..... when I am completely lost it is a prayer I turn to....

Lastly, I am wondering if you had what is called a nondual awakening. It is not really talked about amongst modern day Christians, and when I had one I had to look outside of mainstream Christianity for answers..... the essence of it is that there is a part of us that is always at peace, always neutral, a neutral witness. You've made many statements that lead me to wonder if you've had one of them.

There are some refferences in the Bible to this state, a good article can be read here: Nonduality in the Bible ... and us

Hope some of that helps, let me know

Warmly,

Truth

Thanks for your response and your compassion.
To be honest, I am not even glad that people like you try to help me and I am not grateful, not because I don't want to, it's just because my 'human switch' is turned off. Please don't take any offense. It's just me trying to display the severity of this problem I have.

I am quite sure I am right about me having committed the unpardonable sin. I was in great despair when I first got depressed..I was ready to kill myself and then the unthinkable happened, I was cured and I felt so good, I felt like a super human. My creativity was enhanced, I became much more compassionate, I 'suddenly' knew what was wrong and what was right. Hell, one day I was randomly listening to Matt Simon's music..I was crying all the way through. Now I don't even cry when I see my mother burst in tears over how messed up I am.

I did reject the forgiveness of my sins, and hell, I was very sinful and I sure found out about it when I awakened. Even though I knew I was wrong all the time, I still chose to hold on to this bad lifestyle and I kept ignoring all the good things that were offered to me by God. I wanted to abuse my gifts to reach material goals. I didn't go with the flow and I ruined it all. It was all about sex, I thought life was about sex and I was sure as hell I was not giving that up to become a lifetime celibate, even though I knew I could be of so much help to other people if I were to just accept God in my life. And it's very ironic that I can't even get aroused and don't care about women anymore.

The worst thing is that I don't feel any remorse. I am not sincere in all the things I do. I gave up praying because all of it isn't heartfelt anyways. I have prayed the Jesus prayer over and over. Our father, Hail Mary, The Apostle's creed, all of them really.

I wish I would just get another shot at life. My last plans are joining a monastery and live my, if nothing changes, last couple of months there and then just take a bullet or have a doctor assist me in suicide. My mind is just a huge mess, full of filth and all bad things you can imagine. All day, from the moment I wake up 'til the moment I go to my bed, my mind is terrorizing me. When I'm in a conversation, which I rarely have nowadays. When I'm at work, when I'm eating.

I've read about people that landed in situations like mine. They become full of filth, their minds become corrupt and worthless and then they simply destroy themselves. So I guess I know where I'm heading.

Also, I did not choose Catholicism, it choose me and I can guarantee you, the Catholic church might actually be thé 'right' Church. I don't take stand though and I don't even care what's true and what's not at the moment.

I couldn't open the link you provided me. I'd like to check it out though.

Thanks for hearing me out and peace be with you.

Sinan
 
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Heya-

No offense taken.

Just to be clear, I was not trying to convince you or say that you didn't commit the unpardonable sin.... I have no idea... that verse has always fascinated me, and I have yet to meet anyone who has been able to convince me that they understand it.... the Catholic interpretation feels like the closest thing to truth I have heard of, yet I am not fully convinced by it either.

Sorry to hear that prayer isn't working for you..... and deeply moved to hear of your level of suffering...

peace be with you as well brother
 
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Galnaros

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I am still amazed by the fact that there's nobody who's told me that they recognize what I've experienced and how to overcome it. Life is still unbearable for me; I try to live a normal life but my mind is blocking all good things.

Will I find God again when I become a monk and live a good and holy life? Does God even care anymore or is it all over for me? 15 months of pure horsedump has me doubting our 'merciful' God.
 
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Hi

Thanks for the above post.

I will elaborate a bit on what I shared before.

I believe some of what you experienced is a spiritual awakening, a melting of the ego, an experience of God, the Truth that sets you free, and then, as can happen, the ego came 10x as strong, and has been making your life MISERABLE, literally, Hell on Earth.

Even more so, since you have experienced Heaven, such deep union with the Holy Spirit and Communion with Christ.

And there is something within you that is stronger then all of this suffering. There is something that is Aware of all of the thoughts and feelings and is untouched by them.

As Paul said, "Christ in you, the hope of Glory."

While the details vary somewhat, I have basically been through and am finding my way out of a very similar situation. Would be happy to share more via email if you'd like to talk further:
outbeyondideasxyz@gmail.com (just remove the xyz)

<3
 
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broccolicelery

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I am still amazed by the fact that there's nobody who's told me that they recognize what I've experienced and how to overcome it. Life is still unbearable for me; I try to live a normal life but my mind is blocking all good things.

Will I find God again when I become a monk and live a good and holy life? Does God even care anymore or is it all over for me? 15 months of pure horsedump has me doubting our 'merciful' God.

I haven't read all 11 pages of this thread completely, but I've already seen some very good points made. From what I've seen you write, I'm getting that:
  1. You think God has deserted you
  2. That God doesn't care about you anymore
  3. That you committed the unpardonable sin and cannot be redeemed
  4. That you hate the thoughts in your head and the way you feel
  5. You feel disconnected from God
  6. You are considering suicide
  7. After your depression was "cured" temporarily, you felt suddenly more energized and compassionate, but the depression came back and you now no longer feel empathy, love, or positive emotions
  8. You are self-deprecating and the thoughts in your mind scare you
  9. You believe God told you that you were destined to be Pope, and you failed
Is that correct? I don't want to misrepresent your feelings.

I think I can understand the way you feel from how you have described yourself. Please try to listen to me for just a little, because I have gone through a very dark period of my life where I experienced some of the same things. Now that I am out of it, I can very clearly see the truth.

I understand that you've been to a mental hospital and to many psychiatrists. Are you saying that psychiatrists are not diagnosing you with depression any longer? I don't mean offense, but I work in healthcare and find it difficult to believe that with the things you are saying, they wouldn't consider you depressed.

Are you able to at least consider the fact that perhaps these feelings could be caused by mental problems, which are in turn caused by physical illness such as chemical imbalances in the brain? Would you at least consider that perhaps these things are caused by Satan? What exactly have your doctors told you, and when/why did you stop seeing them? I have struggled with mental illness myself.

There have been people who already commented with Bible verses refuting #1, 2, 3, and 9. I agree with them that God will NEVER abandon you, no matter what your head (which you yourself admit has problems) is telling you. He would never stop loving or caring about you, and His forgiveness is absolute. Do you think God is not great enough to forgive any sin you commit, no matter how grave? I also agree that God was not the one who told you that you were destined to be Pope. I believe that you absolutely believe that, but it simply does not match up with the Bible and thus suggests it could have come from other sources - such as Satan, or even a byproduct of mental illness.

I could say more, but I'd like to hear your thoughts first.
 
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Galnaros

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Thanks for your post
You are quite right about everything you mentioned. I do believe that getting the whole Pope idea into my head was from God and from nothing else though. Also, I am not depressed, I'm just numb. I don't get sad thoughts all day long or feel miserable all day long like a depressed person does.
I am just in a weird place in my head and everything that makes a human a human is lacking from me.

I recall reading about the current Pope's adventure and he mentioned that He had this huge turn around in his life whilst praying. The same thing happened to Him probably, but He actually managed to take the right steps in order to become the Pope.

"Do you think God is not great enough to forgive any sin you commit?"
I do think He is great enough to forgive any sin but why does it take so long in my case? When will I be normal again? When will I be laughing with my family and friends again? I've been in this hell for 15 months now and nothing has changed, no matter how hard I ask God for forgiveness and mercy.
My life is totally destroyed and God just lets it happen and does nothing about it. I can't get over this on myself, a miracle needs to happen in order to fix me.


I haven't read all 11 pages of this thread completely, but I've already seen some very good points made. From what I've seen you write, I'm getting that:
  1. You think God has deserted you
  2. That God doesn't care about you anymore
  3. That you committed the unpardonable sin and cannot be redeemed
  4. That you hate the thoughts in your head and the way you feel
  5. You feel disconnected from God
  6. You are considering suicide
  7. After your depression was "cured" temporarily, you felt suddenly more energized and compassionate, but the depression came back and you now no longer feel empathy, love, or positive emotions
  8. You are self-deprecating and the thoughts in your mind scare you
  9. You believe God told you that you were destined to be Pope, and you failed
Is that correct? I don't want to misrepresent your feelings.

I think I can understand the way you feel from how you have described yourself. Please try to listen to me for just a little, because I have gone through a very dark period of my life where I experienced some of the same things. Now that I am out of it, I can very clearly see the truth.

I understand that you've been to a mental hospital and to many psychiatrists. Are you saying that psychiatrists are not diagnosing you with depression any longer? I don't mean offense, but I work in healthcare and find it difficult to believe that with the things you are saying, they wouldn't consider you depressed.

Are you able to at least consider the fact that perhaps these feelings could be caused by mental problems, which are in turn caused by physical illness such as chemical imbalances in the brain? Would you at least consider that perhaps these things are caused by Satan? What exactly have your doctors told you, and when/why did you stop seeing them? I have struggled with mental illness myself.

There have been people who already commented with Bible verses refuting #1, 2, 3, and 9. I agree with them that God will NEVER abandon you, no matter what your head (which you yourself admit has problems) is telling you. He would never stop loving or caring about you, and His forgiveness is absolute. Do you think God is not great enough to forgive any sin you commit, no matter how grave? I also agree that God was not the one who told you that you were destined to be Pope. I believe that you absolutely believe that, but it simply does not match up with the Bible and thus suggests it could have come from other sources - such as Satan, or even a byproduct of mental illness.

I could say more, but I'd like to hear your thoughts first.
 
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I can't get over this on myself, a miracle needs to happen in order to fix me.
I think so too. I don't think anyone ever gets fixed except by miracles. I'm asking for prayers to be said for your healing and salvation.
 
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Galnaros

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I think so too. I don't think anyone ever gets fixed except by miracles. I'm asking for prayers to be said for your healing and salvation.
I think a miracle will happen when I become a monk for a couple of months. A lot of prayer and no distraction from God will fix me for sure.
 
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Chrisem

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Hello all,

My name is Sinan Shamun, 21 years old and I come from the Netherlands.
In December 2015 I was very depressed and was looking for a cause to live for. I never understood who I was and what the hell I was doing here in the first place. Then suddenly, in February 2016 I felt amazing, I was full of love,joy, creativity and basically all positive things imaginable. I was killing it at my job and it felt as if I was in heaven every moment of the day. Then in March, during the communion of my little sister I found my faith in God, it was a great happening and I finally understood life after being an atheist for 20 years. I learned that it was the Holy Spirit which was dwelling in me at the time. I was constantly communicating with Jesus as if he were my best friend, and I loved it. As time passed I became very introspective and got to know my relation to God even better.
Then the great day came, God told me that I was the complete package to become a Roman Catholic Pope, me out of all people, after all those years. (I assume this happened to the current Pope when he was my age and suddenly switched from a Chemistry major to pursuing his path to become the Pope). I then learned that I had to spread my wings and fly away, become a total new person, find new Christian friends and live a holy life. At first I was totally flabbergasted by all of this. I decided to sign up for my Theology major in Utrecht at a Catholic school and was so grateful for being given a cause in life.
Then,unfortunately, all things went downhill. I realized that becoming a Catholic Pastor meant not being able to have sex and a wife and all other worldy pleasures, so I started avoiding God. Avoiding reading the Bible I bought and continuing a sinful life (smoking, using drugs, etc) after all that God had done for me. I became less and less full of positive energy and my connection with God was decaying and decaying. I showed up at the meeting day prior to starting my Theology major when I was totally unprepared, I had not become the person God wanted me to become and I just sat there with the other students looking like a complete fool, not knowing what to say. I left the meeting day by just running away from the other students and I went home.
Eventually, my thinking reached a point where I had sudden realization which totally destroyed God for me. I convinced myself that God is an all between the ears thing and that I don't own it anymore. It was gone, totally evaporated. I even remember cussing at the Holy Spirit for leaving me after I had failed God in a shameful way and I am actually 100% sure that I have committed the unforgivable sin, since I am not genuinely worried about committing it anymore. My heart wants to know nothing about God but my mind knows God is everything I need, but I have screwed up. I can't blame God for all that has happened, I was even warned prior to me finding out I was elected to become a Pope. God told me to 'choose wisely' and he warned me of a curse. It was all or nothing for me and it sure as hell turned out to be nothing and my destination will be hell for sure.
I had such a beautiful life ahead but all my stupid 20 year old self could think of was sex at the moment, instead of being able to help many souls including those of my friends, who weren't Christians either. My mind has become corrupt and worthless because I lost God and my introspectivity has reached so far that I have basically committed spiritual dialysis. I'm stuck with a mind that thinks about useless goalless garbage all day long. I spent months in a mental ward, taking medicine because the psychiatrists believed I was deluded and got myself into a psychosis. After all those months of medicine and super long tedious days it turned out that they were wrong and that my spiritual experience was from God. I have nothing now, all joy, love, personality and everything positive have evaporated into absolute nothingnes. 7 months of hell have passed and no progress was made. Many prayers have been prayed but all of them were in vain. I was helped by spiritual healers and therapists but nothing worked.

I have no idea what to do and am really feeling the urge to throw the towel in the ring because this life is terrible. A clinical depression is an ecstacy trip compared to what I'm going through and I'd cut off my limbs were it that I'd get my mental and emotional state back to 'normal' again. I am seriously considering to end it all and just accept my fate, which is probably hell. I'd take physical pain of flames over this mental numbness any day.

Has anyone heard of a story similar to mine and/or does anyone have any tips for me? Can anyone confirm that I should just accept my fate since there is nothing I can do about all of this? I read my bible while in the mental ward but it got me nowhere. No revelations or real understanding.

Thank you.
2 Corinthians 6:4-10 NIV
Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; [5] in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; [6] in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; [7] in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; [8] through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; [9] known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; [10] sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.
 
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Galnaros

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What does it mean to have a reprobate mind?

"Can a Christian have a reprobate mind? Someone who has sincerely accepted Jesus Christ by faith will not have this mindset because the old person with a reprobate mind has been recreated into a new creation: “The old has passed away; behold, the new has come” (2 Corinthians 5:17). Christians are basically “new” people. We live differently and speak differently. Our world is centered on our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and how we can serve Him. Also, if we are truly in the faith, we will have the Holy Spirit to help us live a God-honoring life (John 14:26). Those with reprobate minds do not have the Spirit and live only for themselves."

I became a new person too and I lived a God-honoring life for a while until I figured out about me being elected to become a Pope. Then everything in my mind started clashing and I stopped living a God-honoring life, because I didn't want to become a Pope because I didn't want to abstain from having sex.
Why does it seem impossible for me to live a God-honoring life without becoming a great spiritual leader. Why doesn't God allow me to become a 'normal' good person. I am quite convinced that I actually have a reprobate mind and that there's no fix for it, a.k.a. I'm doomed only because I rejected God's gifts.
 
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What does it mean to have a reprobate mind?

"Can a Christian have a reprobate mind? Someone who has sincerely accepted Jesus Christ by faith will not have this mindset because the old person with a reprobate mind has been recreated into a new creation: “The old has passed away; behold, the new has come” (2 Corinthians 5:17). Christians are basically “new” people. We live differently and speak differently. Our world is centered on our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and how we can serve Him. Also, if we are truly in the faith, we will have the Holy Spirit to help us live a God-honoring life (John 14:26). Those with reprobate minds do not have the Spirit and live only for themselves."

I became a new person too and I lived a God-honoring life for a while until I figured out about me being elected to become a Pope. Then everything in my mind started clashing and I stopped living a God-honoring life, because I didn't want to become a Pope because I didn't want to abstain from having sex.
Why does it seem impossible for me to live a God-honoring life without becoming a great spiritual leader. Why doesn't God allow me to become a 'normal' good person. I am quite convinced that I actually have a reprobate mind and that there's no fix for it, a.k.a. I'm doomed only because I rejected God's gifts.
2 Peter 3:9
 
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Galnaros

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Quick update:

Matthew 13 22 The seed falling among the thorns refers to someone who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke the word, making it unfruitful.

How do I make it fruitful once again? I remember reading my Bible and feel this great energy coming. I understood what It said and It helped me a lot back then. My eyes were opened and so were my ears. Me getting signals from my environment was me having open eyes and ears and me being able to interpret them in such ways that eventually lead to me thinking I had been elected to become a future Pope.

I am planning to go to a monastery and become a monk in order to find God again. Does anyone think this is a good idea? Will it be difficult for me? I don't mind living a celibate life because that's what I've been doing since I got myself in this miserable situation.

Should I try something else? Obviously the psychiatric people can't help me, their medicines are useless for me.
 
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Galnaros

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Sorry for digging up this thread again. I'm still dealing with these issues and I still have some questions which might already have been answered but my braindead self might have forgotten it.
I figured I could return back to God by living a holy life again e.g. stop smoking, stop marijuana usage and alchohol, get my nose back in scriptures etc. , which I have already been doing for 2 weeks now.
The only problem is that I don't feel any guilt or remorse for what I've done. I have reached the point which is described in Hebrews 6 4-6 and somewhere I believe I can't return to a repentant state anymore. I just don't care and I even don't care about not caring. I basically don't care about anything anymore.
I did some research though and find out that you can't actually lose your salvation after being born again. Atleast, that's what I believe and it kind of gives me a sense of assurance.
So my question is: how do I start feeling guilty for my countless sins again and how do I start caring about God? I want to feel that fear of God again and fear of hellfire. I want to share in the Holy Spirit and taste the goodness of the word again. Reading my Bible now results in me eventually forgetting what I read and then having to read everything all over again, leading nowhere. It doesn't give me that peace of mind which it did back in the day. Even me saying that I want these things are not actually things I want by heart. I'm not yearning for those things. I just know I need it even though I couldn't care less. That's how messed up I am.
I would like to hear from backslidden christians who have been born again and thus have experienced the same holy transformation as I had back in 2016. Did you experience something likewise? Did you fix the problem eventually? I need answers
 
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jakewolf11

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Hello all,

My name is Sinan Shamun, 21 years old and I come from the Netherlands.
In December 2015 I was very depressed and was looking for a cause to live for. I never understood who I was and what the hell I was doing here in the first place. Then suddenly, in February 2016 I felt amazing, I was full of love,joy, creativity and basically all positive things imaginable. I was killing it at my job and it felt as if I was in heaven every moment of the day. Then in March, during the communion of my little sister I found my faith in God, it was a great happening and I finally understood life after being an atheist for 20 years. I learned that it was the Holy Spirit which was dwelling in me at the time. I was constantly communicating with Jesus as if he were my best friend, and I loved it. As time passed I became very introspective and got to know my relation to God even better.
Then the great day came, God told me that I was the complete package to become a Roman Catholic Pope, me out of all people, after all those years. (I assume this happened to the current Pope when he was my age and suddenly switched from a Chemistry major to pursuing his path to become the Pope). I then learned that I had to spread my wings and fly away, become a total new person, find new Christian friends and live a holy life. At first I was totally flabbergasted by all of this. I decided to sign up for my Theology major in Utrecht at a Catholic school and was so grateful for being given a cause in life.
Then,unfortunately, all things went downhill. I realized that becoming a Catholic Pastor meant not being able to have sex and a wife and all other worldy pleasures, so I started avoiding God. Avoiding reading the Bible I bought and continuing a sinful life (smoking, using drugs, etc) after all that God had done for me. I became less and less full of positive energy and my connection with God was decaying and decaying. I showed up at the meeting day prior to starting my Theology major when I was totally unprepared, I had not become the person God wanted me to become and I just sat there with the other students looking like a complete fool, not knowing what to say. I left the meeting day by just running away from the other students and I went home.
Eventually, my thinking reached a point where I had sudden realization which totally destroyed God for me. I convinced myself that God is an all between the ears thing and that I don't own it anymore. It was gone, totally evaporated. I even remember cussing at the Holy Spirit for leaving me after I had failed God in a shameful way and I am actually 100% sure that I have committed the unforgivable sin, since I am not genuinely worried about committing it anymore. My heart wants to know nothing about God but my mind knows God is everything I need, but I have screwed up. I can't blame God for all that has happened, I was even warned prior to me finding out I was elected to become a Pope. God told me to 'choose wisely' and he warned me of a curse. It was all or nothing for me and it sure as hell turned out to be nothing and my destination will be hell for sure.
I had such a beautiful life ahead but all my stupid 20 year old self could think of was sex at the moment, instead of being able to help many souls including those of my friends, who weren't Christians either. My mind has become corrupt and worthless because I lost God and my introspectivity has reached so far that I have basically committed spiritual dialysis. I'm stuck with a mind that thinks about useless goalless garbage all day long. I spent months in a mental ward, taking medicine because the psychiatrists believed I was deluded and got myself into a psychosis. After all those months of medicine and super long tedious days it turned out that they were wrong and that my spiritual experience was from God. I have nothing now, all joy, love, personality and everything positive have evaporated into absolute nothingnes. 7 months of hell have passed and no progress was made. Many prayers have been prayed but all of them were in vain. I was helped by spiritual healers and therapists but nothing worked.

I have no idea what to do and am really feeling the urge to throw the towel in the ring because this life is terrible. A clinical depression is an ecstacy trip compared to what I'm going through and I'd cut off my limbs were it that I'd get my mental and emotional state back to 'normal' again. I am seriously considering to end it all and just accept my fate, which is probably hell. I'd take physical pain of flames over this mental numbness any day.

Has anyone heard of a story similar to mine and/or does anyone have any tips for me? Can anyone confirm that I should just accept my fate since there is nothing I can do about all of this? I read my bible while in the mental ward but it got me nowhere. No revelations or real understanding.

Thank you.
I hope you read this. I am going through the same exact thing. But my reason was 7 years of unrepented sin (inappropriate contentography) let me assure you that you DID NOT commit the unpardonable sin. You need to FLEE from That Catholic cult and find the real JESUS. You were only experiencing the very beginnings of a relationship with God and you got deceived into thinking he was making you become a pope? No, read Mark when Jesus calls the Pharisees out on the unpardonable sin. They looked at him with hate and publicly mocked him and credited him to Satan himself. Do not be deceived my mother is going through the same thing. No feelings. No sadness no emotions just dull and empty. The bible even said judas felt remorse for what he did, are you worse than judas? Did you see jesus in the flesh and work with him for years then crucify him for a little money? No your not, and if judas was able to still feel emotions then something else is wrong with you not some unpardonable sin. You think God is going to sentence you for eternity because you doubted him for a couple of months and stormed off like a child smoking cigarettes and doing drugs? That's NOT how he works. Look up testimoneys of backslidders and see how much farther others have fallen and were redeemed. Also I think allot of Catholic churches are not churches of Jesus, most of them are cult-classic old school churches with laws written by HUMANS. Catholics pray to marry with silly rehearsals they say like "praise marry full of grace" and boom they think they are forgiven? Is that why Jesus shed his blood and died on cavalry? So you could praise marry and ask her for forgiveness? You are being deceived and very strongly. He will return to you but you need to be patiently seeking him. Show God that you want him and stop thinking he has to make you want him. Jesus said whoever is thirsty DRINK. not whoever is thirsty wait till I tell them they can drink, HE SAID DRINK. The devil is using the same tactic on my mother and on me to think we are unforgivable. Stop researching you are diggi g urself deeper. I know how you feel exactly and I also know that you are going to be 100% fine. Stop worrying he will come through to you, but you need to find a charismatic church that preaches the GOSPEL not manmade doctrine created by a pope or a Catholic church. And no I'm not saying Catholics are bad people but they are being led and taught the wrong teachings. God didn't send his only son to earth to be tortured and crucified on a cross so that you could taste Christianity for a little bit then be eternally damned for eternity because you didn't want to become a pope? If you want to become a leader in the faith then be a pastor!!! You can still be married and still live a normal life with Jesus without the constraints of Roman Catholic manmade doctrine. The prodigal son did far worse than You and he was forgiven, he took his father's inheritance (GOD'S GOSPEL) and three it away and spent a long time in far country with prostitues and worldly things yet he came back and his father redeemed him. Don't think you are worse. I love you brother and so does God. Trust me as a person going through the same thing as you. YOU ARE JUST FINE. Rest and know that the work you are trying to do has been done 2018 years ago on a cross, just for you :)
 
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