I certainly didn't choose to have SSA, It happened long before I had a choice in the matter. I wonder at time why didn't Christ protect me from molestation? Why does he and the church reject me? Why are christians so hateful about this? I'm just trying to get through life without sinning but get no help from my church or fellow believers. I have to pay out of pocket for help. It's getting up in the tens of thousands now...
First of all, what does SSA mean? Same Sex Attraction? Being molested does have a powerful impact on people. You are right that Christians are hateful, and that is wrong. We are to hate sin, but not the sinner, but frankly I have not ever met anyone who actually makes that separation.
I am not a homosexual but I had homosexual relations in my teen years. I grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area which is rife with homosexuals. As a teen I hitch hiked a lot and was frequently picked up by homosexuals of whom I allowed them to perform [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] upon me. I was not a Christian and did not become one until I was 32 years old. I had a very strong sex drive and was simply seeking sexual tension release. That foray into homosexuality was limited to [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] and lasted only for about 3 years. I was also fornicating with women whenever I could. I came to a decision that the sex drive is blind and will seek release any way it can. I had more joy with women than with men, so I gave up the practice and never returned to it.
But that amoral perverse lifestyle I had took decades of purging by the Spirit, and my cooperation with the Spirit, to get it out of my system after I became a Christian. It damaged my sexual relations with my wife (of whom I had met seven years after experiencing the new birth). In 25 years of marriage I can honestly say that there were only a few times that I actually made love to her in the way God wants us to do so, whereas the rest of the time it was my own selfish gratification using her as a sex object.
One point of deliverance for me came with the understanding of familial curses. God does not curse us, we curse ourselves and the laws of creation increase or decrease these curses by our choices. In my mother's side was a long line of Mormons who practiced polygamy. When I found this out as a Christian I realized that there were familial spirits enticing me into fornication. I renounced those ties to my life by declaring the blood of Jesus over my family's past and broke the foothold of those spirits in my life.
But our lives are much more complicated than just spiritual warfare. In one of my teen years hitchhiking I left my home in California and went to Oregon for two weeks. I knew my mother was going to sell the house sometime and move, but I did not think she would do that when I was gone. I came home at 4 AM and found the house empty. I broke in a window to get inside and there was no note or any indication of where she went. My parents had been divorced for 6 years so I called my father who had married the woman he had an affair with. I found my mother that way.
Years later when I became a Christian I told a sister in the Lord about this event. She was stunned and said I must have felt totally rejected by my mother. It never occurred to me that I felt that way. She encouraged me to pray with my pastor who told me to fast for 24 hours first, then see him. After fasting as I was going to see him, the Lord spoke clearly to me and said, "I make those things that are not as though they are" which is a rephrasing of Romans 4:17. I never had a chance to pray with the pastor, nor hear his counsel. Instead I began to sob violently. The next day someone insulted me, but the sense of rejection that used to tear my guts apart felt only like a slap on the face.
I know my story is long, but bear with one more, please. After we married, I wanted to have children. My wife wanted to wait a few years first to see how the marriage went. We married when I was 38 and she was 36 (we are now 64 and 62). I knew delay in having children increased the odds against having children, but I relinquished my insistence. As it turned out, she had many fibroids develop and had to have a hysterectomy. My chance at being a father was taken away from me. I was angry with both her and God. It caused several years of turmoil in our marriage and my descending into inappropriate contentography as a fantasy of having children with another wife. I knew that being married to her was God's will since He told me directly to marry her. So divorce was not an option. I had to figure this out. First, I realized that the Bible declares that the will of God is for children to be born, so what happened was not caused by God. Second, nor was it my wife's fault. Even when when I was masturbating, I was aware of the love of God in my life and he worked me through my despair to a place of acceptance. I told my wife that we needed to start over by pretending we were strangers and begin by speaking civilly with each other.
What got me through that crisis was standing on the Word of God. God does not create evil. He does not make people perverse (I was a pervert). He heals and he restores. But neither does God do these things automatically. It is the glory of God to conceal a matter and the honor of kings to search it out. If we seek the Lord with all our hearts we shall find him. Those verses show that He waits for us to reach whole-heartedly out to him.
SSAChristian, you have my compassion. I have been there and done that. Counselors are not the answer. Seeking God with your whole heart is. In my opinion, too many Christians are sound byte Christians who do not seek God with their whole heart. Instead they live on regurgitated doctrines and principals without truly knowing the character of God. Disregard Christians and seek Jesus only. Your struggles matter to him, but he gives us responsibilities and does not usurp them. The gifts and the callings of God are without repentance. Do assume that the troubles of your life come from him. You need to believe that He did not make you that way, but other factors did. However, He is there to help you be the man that He wants you to be. But you need to seek him, not the church or counselors. If you seek him he may or may not work through the church or counselors, but you need to know what He is doing for you and not be distracted by the tools he may use.
