Why is online dating so dissapointing, so discouraging

Citanul · Aug 28, 2017

timewerx said:
A "hi" opening don't say much.

Which is exactly my point. I've had too many conversations where it was me having to do all the work and only getting short answers in reply that she needs to show that she might have some interest in having a decent conversation. It's not like text/instant messaging where short back-and-forth messages work but rather like sending an email that might not be read for hours, so if she's not putting in any real effort into it conversation then what incentive is there for me to do so?

That's not to say that I will definitely never reply to a "Hi", but so far every time I've received one it's been from someone that I'm not interested in or she's written so little on her profile that even if I was inclined to follow up there's nothing for me to work with.

A woman either doesn't have time to prepare elaborate and custom write ups for each man and or maybe they don't like to sound like a creep.

But if she doesn't have time to write a simple greeting then why would she have the time for a conversation? And it's not as though I'm demanding a lengthy message - the last one I replied to was a one-liner along the lines of "I'm curious to know your thoughts on the new Doctor", so we started off by discussing Doctor Who and then moved onto other topics.

That's all I'm asking for. An indication that she's read my profile and thinks we might have something in common, so we have a starting point.

Citanul · Aug 28, 2017

MustardSeeed said:
How many people actually READ the description that the person they are "interested" in has written?

There are definitely those who don't. I'm on OkCupid, which allows you to like people's profiles, but you can only see who's liked you if you pay. Because I was getting likes but no messages, the first thing in my profile is a request to send a message and not just a like because I've no way of knowing who liked me, which hasn't worked and I still get likes. :argh:

Maybe try eHarmony? I've heard that website is legit. If all else fails and I resort to online dating, I would join there.

I did try signing up for eHarmony, even though it's a paid site and I'm reluctant to pay for something that can't be guaranteed, but I thought I'd take a look just to see if it might be worth paying for. So I went through the lengthy process of answering all their questions only to get an email once I'd done that my profile had been rejected.

Apparently that's not uncommon, and happens when they feel that they're not going to be able to find a match for you, which was rather annoying. So my experience with eHarmony was short-lived and not very satisfactory.

Otherwise, most people seem to meet their SO's through mutual friends, events, church, etc.

The problem in my case is that in my case, those sorts of things haven't worked for me, so while I haven't given up on them, I'm trying online dating as another option. Although that hasn't worked out yet either...

MustardSeeed · Aug 28, 2017

Citanul said:
There are definitely those who don't. I'm on OkCupid, which allows you to like people's profiles, but you can only see who's liked you if you pay. Because I was getting likes but no messages, the first thing in my profile is a request to send a message and not just a like because I've no way of knowing who liked me, which hasn't worked and I still get likes.

Ahh I see. I guess the people who keep sending you likes, aren't reading your profile? Otherwise, they would have known to send a message instead. OKCupid seems popular

I did try signing up for eHarmony, even though it's a paid site and I'm reluctant to pay for something that can't be guaranteed, but I thought I'd take a look just to see if it might be worth paying for. So I went through the lengthy process of answering all their questions only to get an email once I'd done that my profile had been rejected. Apparently that's not uncommon, and happens when they feel that they're not going to be able to find a match for you, which was rather annoying. So my experience with eHarmony was short-lived and not very satisfactory.

That's interesting. I've never used eHarmony, but I did hear they have a lengthy personality test with it. That sucks that your profile was rejected. Although, it's better they're honest with you since you do have to pay for it. I can see how that's disappointing

The problem in my case is that in my case, those sorts of things haven't worked for me, so while I haven't given up on them, I'm trying online dating as another option. Although that hasn't worked out yet either...

Yeah, I getcha. It's hard, no doubt. I don't want to be in a relationship but I will eventually... when that time comes I'll figure things out. If I was older then I would feel the same way. I feel like Christians are getting married less and less these days. I look at it as a time to grow in faith

ESK · Aug 28, 2017

Divide said:
half the guys are gay,

In WHAT world do you live in?

Honestly I never knew half the guys in the world were homosexual.

Left · Aug 28, 2017

ESK said:
In WHAT world do you live in?

Honestly I never knew half the guys in the world were homosexual.

I don't think they are, but I think the number IS pretty substantial.

ESK · Aug 28, 2017

Wow ...is all I can say. With all due respect I think you've been believing too much of the media.

Left · Aug 28, 2017

ESK said:
Wow ...is all I can say. With all due respect I think you've been believing too much of the media.

To elaborate on my own opinion, and not the person you quoted, I consider the number to be like 8-10%.

We're getting offtopic though.

ESK · Aug 28, 2017

That's crazy talk. The media are manipulating you into believing homosexuality is not only natural but they would have you also believe half the world is homosexual.

Yeah, we are getting off topic so I will leave it at that (I'm sure there are threads/forums where that discussion can be went into further).

Divide · Aug 29, 2017

ESK said:
In WHAT world do you live in?

Honestly I never knew half the guys in the world were homosexual.

Well, yeah I'm being a little facetious there. Lol. You got the point though so right on.

ESK · Aug 29, 2017

It's funny - okay, women outnumber us, so logic would tell us we (men - HETEROSEXUAL men) should have better odds, but I don't feel like that's how it works.

It has to come down to the looks factor. On POF there are a LOT of heavy girls too, not to say that they aren't desirable to some guys out there, but they aren't to me.

The truth of the matter is the really good women - the ones with the desirable traits we men (well, men like me anyways) are looking for (beauty first and foremost, height, intelligence, personality, etc) are literally all scooped up by the time college is over, no exceptions.

timewerx · Aug 29, 2017

Citanul said:
Which is exactly my point. I've had too many conversations where it was me having to do all the work and only getting short answers in reply that she needs to show that she might have some interest in having a decent conversation. It's not like text/instant messaging where short back-and-forth messages work but rather like sending an email that might not be read for hours, so if she's not putting in any real effort into it conversation then what incentive is there for me to do so?

That's not to say that I will definitely never reply to a "Hi", but so far every time I've received one it's been from someone that I'm not interested in or she's written so little on her profile that even if I was inclined to follow up there's nothing for me to work with.

But if she doesn't have time to write a simple greeting then why would she have the time for a conversation? And it's not as though I'm demanding a lengthy message - the last one I replied to was a one-liner along the lines of "I'm curious to know your thoughts on the new Doctor", so we started off by discussing Doctor Who and then moved onto other topics.

That's all I'm asking for. An indication that she's read my profile and thinks we might have something in common, so we have a starting point.

Sorry to hear that. I also tend to make my replies as concise as possible. Guilty as charged!

I don't know, must be this generation.

Don't make a big deal out of it. You're goal is to setup a meeting. As it's hard to judge a person from chats. Even if someone is very detailed in their response in chat, still hard to judge until I see and talk with the person face to face.

ThisIsMe123 · Sep 1, 2017

TrueBornAgain said:
Don't get me wrong I think a wish list is great but from what I notice from my experiences in Christian online dating and regular online dating (before I was saved) is, there's too much focus is on finding someone to exactly suit their life the way it is single, rather than embracing trust in God's plan and looking a bit beyond themselves. I hope this bursts some unrealistic bubbles as I think they abound ! I say that wanting the best for all.

I joined a site that is claiming it's run by Christians, at least I don't get their sister sites invitations to join them like I did a non christian site which would send me non godly messages to join their wanton and immoral sites ! But my point is still on the Christian owned site, its much the same !

The amount of woman I've written to and never write back is disappointing, you may have written a page to reply to a wink or another preformed free message they sent you because they are cheapskates, then they don't even have the honor to write back and tell you why they don't wish to be friends, that may be the norm now in the fast paced world but it's not right. Some of this is because some people don't want to pay to reply so they just read and ignore you, hoping the next is the prince charming they dream of, and perhaps they say then I'll subscribe, if the perfect man comes along, who knows ??

Perhaps a lot of this behavior is the product of hefty membership fees in part, but also a society diseased with rudeness and ignorance, not to mention unrealistic expectations.

Then there's all the old redundant profiles the site keep to make you think there's more members, many sites are just money traps and the drive to connect husband and wife is secondary.

But beyond all of that I think most woman and surely some men too, are just too fussy in all types of dating, they could miss the two angels God sent them because they believe too much in the fairy tale partner is going to come along next and it never does, and after a while perhaps God gives up sending the angels disguised as humans with faults and all, and so many many people stay lonely and miserable. So sadly most peoples expectations are just too high of themselves, in this self centered narcissistic world. It's the middle ground where people find true love, and those who have found it had to be humble and make the odd trade off, who is foolish enough to believe they can have it all LOL

Tomorrow is based on how we treat people today and so is God's judgement, the internet may have sped up the pace of communication, but are we communicating in a quality way, that God would be happy with ? I guess that's why I came here to discuss this, as I know people here do care and will hopefully tell me I'm not the only one feeling this way ?

I pray everyone who desires to share their life with somebody special will find them and be able to see their real gifts and just how valuable they really are, and what could be done together to glorify God, not just their self image and ego.

EGO = Edging God Out !

God Bless

Surprised I didn't spot this post sooner. lol. I gave up on online dating for the very reasons the original poster posted about.

I think the straw that broke the camel's back was a so-called self-declared Christian woman said "I am looking for a Godly man, and I'm 5'9"...so I expect taller than me because I wear heels." I think she said she preferred 6 feet or taller.

What's so sad is, she repeats this 2 more times throughout different parts of her profile.

I sent her an intro message, and something like, "If you were truly Chrisitian, you wouldn't be so obsessed with height." Didn't get an answer obviously, but that's when I deleted my profile.

But overall, the thing is here...is a kid in a candy store mentality...there's too many options. No one is ever good enough.

I keep seeing the same faces of the women I had already emailed year after year, then to be ignored each time. It gets annoying.

Just Google, "The Husband Store" and you'll see what I'm talking about.

ThisIsMe123 · Sep 1, 2017

Citanul said:
Actually, just saying "Hi" on a dating site is not recommended. Women generally get a lot of messages, far more than men do, so they're far more likely to respond to a message that shows that the sender has actually taken the time to read their profile and put some thought into the message rather than simply a drive-by message which they've probably seen plenty of in the past. That doesn't necessarily mean that they will respond to a more detailed message, but chances definitely are better.

And it also gives them something to respond to. I generally don't reply to messages like "Hi", partly because they tend to be from women I'm not all that interested in, but also because it gives me nothing to work with. Simply saying "Hi" back isn't really getting a conversation started, but what else should the reply be?

Yep, saying just "Hi" to someone is actually a turn off to some women. They've even expressed this in their profile.

This is just as bad as profiles that have in their description, "Ask me" or "I don't like to talk about myself, so just ask me what you'd like to know."

It shows laziness and likely they aren't going to answer if you're not good looking enough in the photos.

ThisIsMe123 · Sep 1, 2017

IceBear4 said:
Here's another trick. Write in your profile "I rarely message first, so you may just have to message me." This creates intrigue and urgency, and the replies from women who read your profile will increase at least 50%.

No it doesn't , it's actually a turn off for most women, some who have expressed in their profiles that it isn't a woman's role to message first. Quit giving advice that you think works for everyone in the online dating world.

Citanul · Sep 1, 2017

ThisIsMe123 said:
This is just as bad as profiles that have in their description, "Ask me" or "I don't like to talk about myself, so just ask me what you'd like to know."

That really frustrates me, as do profiles which don't say that but don't have more than a couple of sentences. It gives me absolutely no indication as to what the woman is like, meaning that the only reason I'd have for sending her a message would be that I think she's attractive, and I want there to be more than that before I message anyone.

I do wonder how many of those women with hardly anything on their profiles complain about not being able to find decent men through online dating. Perhaps the reason they're not finding decent men is they're not giving those men anything to go on in terms of sending messages, so they only get messages from the players who indiscriminately message every woman.

ThisIsMe123 · Sep 1, 2017

Citanul said:
That really frustrates me, as do profiles which don't say that but don't have more than a couple of sentences. It gives me absolutely no indication as to what the woman is like, meaning that the only reason I'd have for sending her a message would be that I think she's attractive, and I want there to be more than that before I message anyone.

I do wonder how many of those women with hardly anything on their profiles complain about not being able to find decent men through online dating. Perhaps the reason they're not finding decent men is they're not giving those men anything to go on in terms of sending messages, so they only get messages from the players who indiscriminately message every woman.

Actually, dating sites have become an extension of their own social media that's tied to attention seeking behavior.

I think a lot of these women are preferring to have their egos stroked at the number of emails they get per day.

exitstageright · Sep 2, 2017

timewerx said:
What I said back there didn't sound right so I have to edit it.

That's a very good advice you've given there. I have also met rejection countless times in other things so maybe I have also become desensitized to rejection.

So you're an actor too. Is it a hobby or you actually get paid out of it?

At my church,it is more like a hobby. Because,I do not get paid at my church.I am part of my church's Drama Ministry. But,I have been paid for doing commercials,TV shows,and movies. So far,the lowest I ever gotten paid was $20.00.The most that I ever gotten paid was $400.00 for six hours work.That was a shoe commercial. The "star" of the commercial is a famous NBA(National Basketball Association) player. I did not get a chance to say "Hello" to him. There is an unwritten rule that says we extras are not allowed to approach any "stars". Because,they are not there to socialize.They are on the set to work,just as we are.But,if a principal actor,or "star",first speaks to us,we can then speak back.

timewerx · Sep 3, 2017

exitstageright said:
At my church,it is more like a hobby. Because,I do not get paid at my church.I am part of my church's Drama Ministry. But,I have been paid for doing commercials,TV shows,and movies. So far,the lowest I ever gotten paid was $20.00.The most that I ever gotten paid was $400.00 for six hours work.That was a shoe commercial. The "star" of the commercial is a famous NBA(National Basketball Association) player. I did not get a chance to say "Hello" to him. There is an unwritten rule that says we extras are not allowed to approach any "stars". Because,they are not there to socialize.They are on the set to work,just as we are.But,if a principal actor,or "star",first speaks to us,we can then speak back.

Wow! Maybe you can also speak to a "star" if you need to or on a "co-worker" basis. Avoiding making it look like you're giving special attention.

Left · Sep 3, 2017

ThisIsMe123 said:
No it doesn't , it's actually a turn off for most women, some who have expressed in their profiles that it isn't a woman's role to message first. Quit giving advice that you think works for everyone in the online dating world.

I repent in that I don't think there's some general advice that works for everyone. My mistake.

My advice was more of saying, "Hey if you're really struggling, and have nothing to lose, this worked for me."

I suppose if I really wanted to prove it, I could create two profiles, one with, one without, and measure the messages I get. We need to be careful to proof our statements or else we will have a silly argument.

Left · Sep 3, 2017

ThisIsMe123 said:
some who have expressed in their profiles that it isn't a woman's role to message first.

I was actually reading a book that showed that people often aren't truthful about themselves in their dating profile. I'd be careful there too about accurately reading people and society.

Why is online dating so dissapointing, so discouraging

Well, when exactly do you mean?

Well, when exactly do you mean?

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Well, when exactly do you mean?

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