- Jun 2, 2017
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**LONG POST**
God be with you all!
On another thread, some brethren suggested that I not only discuss my present situation w/ my wife regarding separation, but me entire testimony instead...so here we go.
I was born-again in September 2008. Prior to that, I was raised Roman Catholic and later became agnostic (as most of us) when ended High School and into my College years. I was finding my validation in relationships with women. I only had 4 serious relationships (including my wife), but I would invest myself completely into the relationship. Outside of that, if I wasn't dating, I would flirt with many women and just have "fun" (sometimes beyond kissing).
3 months before meeting my wife, I got out of a relationship where I was heavily invest in-heart to my ex-girlfriend who was leaving the U.S. back to her home country in Brazil. It was a heart-breaker, but it wasn't like we ended it because one of mistreated the other. Anyway, after that I spent my time clubbing, chilling w/ friends, and speaking w/ women up until I met my wife. The night I met her I didn't really want to go out, but my two childhood friends wanted to chill w/ some of their friends from College so I went. Providentially, my wife went to the same school and came out with them. When I first saw her I initially said in my head, "There's something I want to get to know about her", but I just didn't know what it was so I acted like I didn't really care. We flirted for a little bit but I thought she may have gotten along better w/ another friend of mine and didn't pay too much mind to it. Besides, I had to go see some other friends who wanted to chill so I left about an hour in. Maybe an hour or two later I get a text from my childhood friend saying she was interested in me, and that I should come back. So I left where I was and went back to their College friends' apartment where they were. I was physically there but mentally not, because I was still dealing with my previous break-up, but that actually attracted her to me more, because she has said before that though I physically gave off this attractive confident vibe, I seemed to give off more of a depth to her than surface looks. At the end of the night I nonchalantly asked her, "Listen, if you don't want to go out then don't worry about it, but if you're interested, great, if not, don't worry about it." Again, she liked that because I put no pressure on it, and wasn't being too forward. So she agreed.
Our first date was hysterical. I took her to a jazz club in NYC, and though everything went wrong, it all seemed to fit for us. I ordered her the wrong drink, burned her w/ my cigarette (we both smoked at the time) while we had our first kiss. We met this other couple there that night from out-of-country and they even asked us how long we were together because we gave off a vibe that we've been together for a long time. It was a great night. We continued to date over the summer, and about 3 months in she finally told me that before we could go any further, that I needed to know she was a Christian and asked if I was okay with that. Again, I grew up Roman Catholic and was in church all the time so I was fine with it. However, she was Pentecostal and went to a non-denominational church, so for me to be around people freely worshiping God was a loOoOoT different, haha! Where God met me was when I told my wife that I was an actor (since 2005), and providentially, the Church she attended was putting on a play. So I auditioned for it and got the part of...Satan lol! What happened though was that I got to watch these people called 'Christians' who I previously thought were fanatical and just got to see that they loved God and loved each other in Christ. I realized that while I was seeking my own self-worth and validation in women, that I could instead find that completely in Christ. So I told my then girlfriend, 'I think I want to be saved." So she took me over to the Pastor and he prayed over me and I repeated that sinner's prayer, and then that's where it all began. I started to read the Word for myself, pray, and it was like I realized the sky was blue for the first time. My personality is like that of if I am passionate about something, I give my all to it. So I dove head-first into Christianity. Unfortunately, that's where it also began where I would not heed my wife's voice because I wanted to learn and grow more instead of walk with the Lord slow and steady. My relationship w/ my family was strained because I would always talk about Scripture. They thought ultimately that they were losing their son and that it had to do w/ this "new woman". My wife has never really felt accepted by my parents, and I have since been very close to her family, because they are of a Christian household.
While attending that Church, I met a brother who said that he was a Reformed Christian. He then exposed me to the 5 Solas and TULIP and took me under his wing of understanding the entirety of the Gospel. That fed my appetite to grow even though my then girlfriend was encouraging me to slow down because I was a baby in Christ. Unfortunately, I didn't listen, which made my wife feel like I was leaving her behind spiritually while I was only intending to grow as a man so that I could best lead her in Christ. However, I would realize that it was only going to push her away, because I was becoming someone different than who God already made me to be.
Years past, and I was always preaching the Gospel on the street and witnessing to others. I was encouraged because of people like George Whitefield who previously was an actor as well, and used his talents to preach the Word. My wife and I would occasionally debate about Scripture, but I didn't think much of it, because I loved her and knew that she was by my side. However, I was blind to how though she was there physically, spiritually I had left her behind.
I proposed to her, and we got married on October 29, 2011. All was well, but over time, the debates would turn into arguments, and we ended up not being able to really pray together or read the Word together, because we were uncomfortable. I had replaced my relationship with theological pharisee-ism. Later on, I began to fellowship more with Reformed brethren, and even began working w/ a Reformed Christian clothing company because I am an artist, and was helping create logos. This entire time, though I would love on my wife and treat her to dates, buy her things and talk about how much I loved her, I didn't see all the verbal abuse I'd cause from our arguments, because it was tearing down every part of who she already was. I just didn't see the damage I was causing.
It was a struggle to find a Church where we both felt comfortable. We knew that we both wanted to leave the Church I was saved from because they were becoming increasingly worldly. We finally found a Church that our two friends (husband/wife) were attending which was an AoG Church. I was at the point where, though I wouldn't fully agree theologically, I still wanted to make an effort w/ my wife, so we began to worship there close to 2 years ago now.
Our final fight which was at the end of October 2016, was about Reformed theology and how I just said, "I'm going to believe what I believe." I was becoming more frustrated because over the years I felt like my wife wasn't supporting me and would only critique, so I finally said, "I don't even want to go home with you right now." A couple days later after silence, she finally said the words that broke my whole world. "I think we should separate." It was then that God unveiled my eyes to what was going on. Since November 2016 until now, I've been pruned from Reformed theology, have just clung to the simplicity of the Gospel, and have sought for the Word of God and His Spirit to transform me from the inside out. My wife, however, committed an emotional affair w/ someone from her work last year, and grew in her feelings towards him. This entire time has not been easy, and my wife has still mentioned separation. After kissing her recently, she has said, "It just doesn't feel the same." She said that she loves me, but not in the same way. She's stopped confiding in our close Christian circle of friends (only 4) about us, because she knows what she's going to hear and is not ready to hear it. She speaks w/ some women from work, but I fear they may be telling her what she wants to hear instead of what would honor God. However, I've seen that over these 8 months the unconditional love that I have for her is steadfast and will not go anywhere. I've stumbled in my walk throughout, whether it be smoking cigarettes or occasional inappropriate contentography, but God has consistently been weaning me away and digging deeper within me. I've been consistently praying for my wife, our marriage, and myself throughout this entire time, as well as close Christian circle. Presently the prayer has been that God would circumcise my wife's heart regarding our marriage and that she would restore faith in it again. She has mentioned still that she doesn't trust me, but I've been seeking to show her otherwise. She's mentioned that maybe this is just a life lesson that we shouldn't regret. I've responded w/ I don't want her to feel like this marriage is a prison, but I also believe that if we make it through this that our relationship would be so much stronger and deeper because of it; that I choose to hope that over time she may impart to me a little bit of her trust where I could slowly show her that she can believe in me again. I'm no longer trying to become a "super Christian", but just want to be myself and walk with Christ accordingly.
It was interesting, because today I received a P/C from my Aunt who is a nonbeliever and was talking negative things about how sometimes things don't work out and that before anything happens or if it does that I should get my jewelry back. I told her that I made a covenant to my wife and that I'd hold onto it until otherwise. I was on the verge of breaking down after that, but then I received a text from my two friends that my wife had posted the first picture of us on Instagram. Presently, I'm super excited and see this as a answer to prayer from a couple days ago. I certainly pray that God truly is beginning to work within my wife and that over time He restores our marriage. Until then I will continue to remain patient and not overcrowd my wife about us. Only God knows what will happen, but I will always choose to believe the best, because she's worth the fight. No matter how long it takes, this woman who I've known for almost 10 years now is no accident. She isn't a life lesson that I can simply move on from. She's my wife, and she's worth m sacrificing myself for. If Jesus Christ has done that for us, then how could I do anything less (Eph. 5:25-26).
So, I'd ask you all to please continue to keep us in prayer and believe the best for us. Any Godly advice is welcome. God be with you all.
God be with you all!
On another thread, some brethren suggested that I not only discuss my present situation w/ my wife regarding separation, but me entire testimony instead...so here we go.
I was born-again in September 2008. Prior to that, I was raised Roman Catholic and later became agnostic (as most of us) when ended High School and into my College years. I was finding my validation in relationships with women. I only had 4 serious relationships (including my wife), but I would invest myself completely into the relationship. Outside of that, if I wasn't dating, I would flirt with many women and just have "fun" (sometimes beyond kissing).
3 months before meeting my wife, I got out of a relationship where I was heavily invest in-heart to my ex-girlfriend who was leaving the U.S. back to her home country in Brazil. It was a heart-breaker, but it wasn't like we ended it because one of mistreated the other. Anyway, after that I spent my time clubbing, chilling w/ friends, and speaking w/ women up until I met my wife. The night I met her I didn't really want to go out, but my two childhood friends wanted to chill w/ some of their friends from College so I went. Providentially, my wife went to the same school and came out with them. When I first saw her I initially said in my head, "There's something I want to get to know about her", but I just didn't know what it was so I acted like I didn't really care. We flirted for a little bit but I thought she may have gotten along better w/ another friend of mine and didn't pay too much mind to it. Besides, I had to go see some other friends who wanted to chill so I left about an hour in. Maybe an hour or two later I get a text from my childhood friend saying she was interested in me, and that I should come back. So I left where I was and went back to their College friends' apartment where they were. I was physically there but mentally not, because I was still dealing with my previous break-up, but that actually attracted her to me more, because she has said before that though I physically gave off this attractive confident vibe, I seemed to give off more of a depth to her than surface looks. At the end of the night I nonchalantly asked her, "Listen, if you don't want to go out then don't worry about it, but if you're interested, great, if not, don't worry about it." Again, she liked that because I put no pressure on it, and wasn't being too forward. So she agreed.
Our first date was hysterical. I took her to a jazz club in NYC, and though everything went wrong, it all seemed to fit for us. I ordered her the wrong drink, burned her w/ my cigarette (we both smoked at the time) while we had our first kiss. We met this other couple there that night from out-of-country and they even asked us how long we were together because we gave off a vibe that we've been together for a long time. It was a great night. We continued to date over the summer, and about 3 months in she finally told me that before we could go any further, that I needed to know she was a Christian and asked if I was okay with that. Again, I grew up Roman Catholic and was in church all the time so I was fine with it. However, she was Pentecostal and went to a non-denominational church, so for me to be around people freely worshiping God was a loOoOoT different, haha! Where God met me was when I told my wife that I was an actor (since 2005), and providentially, the Church she attended was putting on a play. So I auditioned for it and got the part of...Satan lol! What happened though was that I got to watch these people called 'Christians' who I previously thought were fanatical and just got to see that they loved God and loved each other in Christ. I realized that while I was seeking my own self-worth and validation in women, that I could instead find that completely in Christ. So I told my then girlfriend, 'I think I want to be saved." So she took me over to the Pastor and he prayed over me and I repeated that sinner's prayer, and then that's where it all began. I started to read the Word for myself, pray, and it was like I realized the sky was blue for the first time. My personality is like that of if I am passionate about something, I give my all to it. So I dove head-first into Christianity. Unfortunately, that's where it also began where I would not heed my wife's voice because I wanted to learn and grow more instead of walk with the Lord slow and steady. My relationship w/ my family was strained because I would always talk about Scripture. They thought ultimately that they were losing their son and that it had to do w/ this "new woman". My wife has never really felt accepted by my parents, and I have since been very close to her family, because they are of a Christian household.
While attending that Church, I met a brother who said that he was a Reformed Christian. He then exposed me to the 5 Solas and TULIP and took me under his wing of understanding the entirety of the Gospel. That fed my appetite to grow even though my then girlfriend was encouraging me to slow down because I was a baby in Christ. Unfortunately, I didn't listen, which made my wife feel like I was leaving her behind spiritually while I was only intending to grow as a man so that I could best lead her in Christ. However, I would realize that it was only going to push her away, because I was becoming someone different than who God already made me to be.
Years past, and I was always preaching the Gospel on the street and witnessing to others. I was encouraged because of people like George Whitefield who previously was an actor as well, and used his talents to preach the Word. My wife and I would occasionally debate about Scripture, but I didn't think much of it, because I loved her and knew that she was by my side. However, I was blind to how though she was there physically, spiritually I had left her behind.
I proposed to her, and we got married on October 29, 2011. All was well, but over time, the debates would turn into arguments, and we ended up not being able to really pray together or read the Word together, because we were uncomfortable. I had replaced my relationship with theological pharisee-ism. Later on, I began to fellowship more with Reformed brethren, and even began working w/ a Reformed Christian clothing company because I am an artist, and was helping create logos. This entire time, though I would love on my wife and treat her to dates, buy her things and talk about how much I loved her, I didn't see all the verbal abuse I'd cause from our arguments, because it was tearing down every part of who she already was. I just didn't see the damage I was causing.
It was a struggle to find a Church where we both felt comfortable. We knew that we both wanted to leave the Church I was saved from because they were becoming increasingly worldly. We finally found a Church that our two friends (husband/wife) were attending which was an AoG Church. I was at the point where, though I wouldn't fully agree theologically, I still wanted to make an effort w/ my wife, so we began to worship there close to 2 years ago now.
Our final fight which was at the end of October 2016, was about Reformed theology and how I just said, "I'm going to believe what I believe." I was becoming more frustrated because over the years I felt like my wife wasn't supporting me and would only critique, so I finally said, "I don't even want to go home with you right now." A couple days later after silence, she finally said the words that broke my whole world. "I think we should separate." It was then that God unveiled my eyes to what was going on. Since November 2016 until now, I've been pruned from Reformed theology, have just clung to the simplicity of the Gospel, and have sought for the Word of God and His Spirit to transform me from the inside out. My wife, however, committed an emotional affair w/ someone from her work last year, and grew in her feelings towards him. This entire time has not been easy, and my wife has still mentioned separation. After kissing her recently, she has said, "It just doesn't feel the same." She said that she loves me, but not in the same way. She's stopped confiding in our close Christian circle of friends (only 4) about us, because she knows what she's going to hear and is not ready to hear it. She speaks w/ some women from work, but I fear they may be telling her what she wants to hear instead of what would honor God. However, I've seen that over these 8 months the unconditional love that I have for her is steadfast and will not go anywhere. I've stumbled in my walk throughout, whether it be smoking cigarettes or occasional inappropriate contentography, but God has consistently been weaning me away and digging deeper within me. I've been consistently praying for my wife, our marriage, and myself throughout this entire time, as well as close Christian circle. Presently the prayer has been that God would circumcise my wife's heart regarding our marriage and that she would restore faith in it again. She has mentioned still that she doesn't trust me, but I've been seeking to show her otherwise. She's mentioned that maybe this is just a life lesson that we shouldn't regret. I've responded w/ I don't want her to feel like this marriage is a prison, but I also believe that if we make it through this that our relationship would be so much stronger and deeper because of it; that I choose to hope that over time she may impart to me a little bit of her trust where I could slowly show her that she can believe in me again. I'm no longer trying to become a "super Christian", but just want to be myself and walk with Christ accordingly.
It was interesting, because today I received a P/C from my Aunt who is a nonbeliever and was talking negative things about how sometimes things don't work out and that before anything happens or if it does that I should get my jewelry back. I told her that I made a covenant to my wife and that I'd hold onto it until otherwise. I was on the verge of breaking down after that, but then I received a text from my two friends that my wife had posted the first picture of us on Instagram. Presently, I'm super excited and see this as a answer to prayer from a couple days ago. I certainly pray that God truly is beginning to work within my wife and that over time He restores our marriage. Until then I will continue to remain patient and not overcrowd my wife about us. Only God knows what will happen, but I will always choose to believe the best, because she's worth the fight. No matter how long it takes, this woman who I've known for almost 10 years now is no accident. She isn't a life lesson that I can simply move on from. She's my wife, and she's worth m sacrificing myself for. If Jesus Christ has done that for us, then how could I do anything less (Eph. 5:25-26).
So, I'd ask you all to please continue to keep us in prayer and believe the best for us. Any Godly advice is welcome. God be with you all.
