Hello all,
I'm new here and hope this is the right forum for this post.
I pray daily and a month ago started studying the bible, so I am usually really good about hearing God's voice, I am blessed. But I'm having a hard time hearing it in this relationship.
I'm in an unhealthy relationship that has no future. Bf no longer wants to get married. I should mention that I was on the fence about marrying him because he was emotionally, psychologically and financially abusive to me in the past but I have forgiven him for that and he has improved. Also we have a child together. My main concern to marry is because I want to obey God and not fornicate anymore and I still love him.
There are times when my bf does something even worse than the time before that cuts me to the core. (He once picked a fight about the meal I cooked for him and then stayed out until 4am. He also let a strange guy push me into the ground without even stopping to help me up and left me to stand up to the guy myself. He has screamed at me for getting sick in the middle of the night and disturbing his sleep. He has also 'gotten even' with me because I spent $60 out of our joint account on myself---even though my paycheck is deposited there too, I help pay the bills, he never buys me anything and I am very responsible with money.)
FYI, I'm no longer resentful of these things, just pointing out the levels of disrespect that I have dealt with. He's improved because he used to do these kind of things like on a weekly basis, now it only happens once in a blue moon.
When he does such blatant things like this, I think I hear God saying 'How else can I show you to leave, my child? What more do I have to show you? Trust in me to bring you happiness."
Then there are times when things are smooth and I look at him and think I can deal with this, he's not so bad, I'm overreacting. Leaving him would be selfish. All relationships have issues. I feel like I hear God saying "Yes, my child, your patience and forgiveness will please me. You asked me to improve your relationship and I did. You can trust me to make this relationship right.' Because God is Love.
As of late, I've been listening to the former voice that says get out and it seemed to be the right one at first because all of a sudden I got the motivation to do something I hadn't thought of before and it was like I was being led to the promise land, but then I got blocked with no way around it, and my mind went to ways to attain it that are not of God, which is clearly not the way. So then it felt hopeless.
Now as I slowly accept defeat, the voice is back to the one that says to stay because this is my destiny and it is supposed to make me stronger.
Which voice is Gods?
P.S. I am considering a fast but don't want to make a promise to God that I won't be able to keep so will need to practice it first.
