Hello!
I'm not used to spirituality. I was raised in an Atheist household and I feel kind of a impostor when I try to get closer to any kind of faith at all. That being said, I do admit there is a part of me seeking for something more.
I'm a philosophy student, thus I often look for "something more" but this is different from my usual thinking.
Sometimes I go to a cathedral, and I see this big crucifix, hanging from the ceiling, with Jesus Christ suffering to save us from our sins. It always leaves me with a deep and troubling feeling. I can't look at it for a long time because I feel like the floor under me is collapsing. It's a sensation difficult to explain.
I tried to go to Catholic celebrations, as it is the only important church in my region (to my knowledge), but it wasn't quite working. I sometimes pray but I can't so far really get into this personal relationship with Jesus that I long for.
I'm still quite skeptical in my everyday life. But I can't be skeptic about that feeling, because it's just there, and I don't know what to do with it.
I thought that talking about it online would help me to nurture it and to learn more about faith while staying in my "comfort zone" - because it is scary to me, I'm not sure why. Also I don't have any Christian friends.
Thanks for reading.
I wish you a nice day!
I saw this on the sidebar and read it. Now I got an urge to say something, I'm just not quite sure what I should say. Perhaps welcome you first? Welcome.
There's something to be said about an honest search. It can be a beautiful thing, and it seems to go well with deep-seated honesty about oneself too. Often it leads us to realize ugly things about ourselves as well as certain profound helplessness, but I've found it to lead me closer to Christ. Someone once said to me that all who seek truth, will find Jesus. He/she was right in my case. There is a profound need inside me that cannot be satisfied by anything else.
I am a searcher as well, although I do believe, but my faith isn't the strongest one, at least when I think of what the strongest faith could be. I will probably be a searcher until I die. Perhaps it's a good thing for someone like me, because I need constant reminders about many things, and I can't afford to think that "I'm there". It's also often when I'm riddled by doubt, confusion and sometimes problems with the Bible itself, but somehow that seems to lead me closer to Christ too, because I end up praying to the very God I'm doubting, totally admitting my weak faith and at the same time asking for a stronger one. In these moments the essence of faith seems to be revealed to me: a stumbling human being, in all his/her ignorance, faults and weakness, reaching to God. All the other surrounding noise goes away.
I learned that I shouldn't chase a feeling for feelings' sake, because feelings are fickle, they often betray us and faith based on that will not last for people like me. Then again I can't deny some feelings, like the need I have for Christ. I can't deny that one night I think I felt God and certainly felt a wave of unconditional love during which I had the best cry in my life. It left a lasting mark on me. I will also not deny your feelings, what you experienced about the floor collapsing. I cannot know all the ways how God works, but if He works like this in your case, it's absolutely beautiful. I do believe God pulls people towards Him.
Personal relationship with Jesus isn't a magic trick. You don't have to "perform" in order to get there. I believe it's something that grows in us. You already have the need for it, so you are pulled towards Him. You will be thinking of Him, you will be praying to Him as you are, without pretending to be anyone else. You will find a new sense of honesty and love, and you will go to God in your mind and in your heart. At first you may feel like you're pretending, or that you don't know how to pray, because you still don't believe that God already knows your heart. After that you may feel like you're the worst sinner on earth (very common for new believers, and many of the older ones too) when some realizations kick in, but you will come to understand the meaning of grace soon after. You might feel like you're in chains at first, but you'll gravitate towards freedom in Christ instead of the spirit of fear, and you'll learn to accept the weaknesses of others as well. Relationship with Christ is us going to Him as we are, and having hope in His name, while He leads us to Him. Often it's not about our abilities to do so, but because He leads us there. And if we fail, which I've done many times and will do again, He seems to pick me up again and it's always with love. That mystical, powerful love is what resonates with me the most. It's not a desperate run up a mountain hill in order to get some magic item, He will lead us. "He who knocks, will be let in" and "Whoever comes to me I will never drive away".
By the way, don't think that I'm accusing you of being a horrible human being, or someone who can't understand weaknesses in other people. I'm talking about my own experiences here. If it happens that your journey is anything like mine, I hope this helps. If not, I hope I didn't confuse you much.
For me, the hardest part was allowing Christ in, allowing that powerful love in. In my heart I had barricaded my "doors" from that love. I didn't believe that such things could be given to people like me, or that it existed, or that I could achieve such mystical things. When all I had to do was give up and just let it in, to let God be love, and to accept that I really needed that love. I started to feel more...free, like I could breathe a little. I had more hope and I became more resilient. Normal, lovely things started to seem much more lovely than before, and desperation is now merely a mood, or like a bug teasing me, not some overwhelming "truth" swallowing everything. And while my faith can be weak at times, and I don't always feel things like I'd want to, I know where I'll go with my troubles nevertheless. I'll to to Christ, and I'll think of him on the cross, praying for those who crucified Him. That is the love I need, the kind of love that I don't have in myself, and the kind of love that pulls me towards it, even when it seems like it's silent at times, but it still pulls us and works in us.
I was "lucky" in a sense that I was a mess, down in my life and close to ending it, so at one point I was painfully aware of my situation and how desperately I needed God. I had to surrender, which is a funny word in this context, because I got so much more than what I had, but it's true. But I certainly don't believe that this should be the case for anyone, as if everyone had to suffer like I did, no.
I hope I didn't confuse you with this rambling. I have a tendency for projection, but I also felt like I should say something to you. If any of it helped, thank God, and if any of it rubs you the wrong way, that wasn't my intention and you can blame it on my stupidity. Said a prayer for you, your family and your loved ones. May God lead you to truth, keep you and guide you with His loving hands.
