what are you feeling right now? (24)

Feeling a little better right now. I crashed exhausted and got almost 4 hours sleep so that picked me up a little. At least the rage has subsided.

Really struggling at the moment. Exploring the darker regions of my soul certainly brings on the forces of darkness trying to stop me. However I have to do something to learn and control my extreme emotions and the only way is to stop disassociating myself from my feelings and work through them properly instead of suppressing those I can't handle as I have done for so long now and then have them explode on me down the line.

I'm trying to take bite size emotional contents but often just exploring a region in my life can trigger volcanic eruptions, earthquakes, storms, bush fires, and/or tsunamis my inner world is one of destruction and devastation certainly a time to have to endure patiently and falling short a lot of the time.

an oldie telling the story as it so often is.

My brothers were assaulted by a group of Somalians tonight. They were about to mess with one of their trucks, and my brother was out walking his dog when he saw them. He yelled for them to get away, and they crowded around him, thratened his dog and that's when my brother lost it. He was punched three times, my other brother came running out and in self defense, put one in a choke hold. That's when the police arrived.

They arrested the group of Somalians, as there were witnesses.

I cannot believe I'm saying this, but we shouldn't allow these people into our country. Imagine that. A left leaning person who is a human and animal rights activist and who believes immigration should be allowed saying this. They have caused nothing but trouble for everyone, the crime in my old city has gone up. Nice neighborhoods turned bad.

We need to close down our borders to them. They refuse to adapt to our society and expect us to adapt to them, otherwise we're the racist ones. This is so stupid. I feel guilty over this, but y'know. This is awful. It's always been awful. Europeans seem to adapt fairly well, aside from the annoying nationalists.

Also my therapist thinks I have OCD because of my intrusive thoughts. We're gonna work on that.

Feeling utter crap. The nausea is almost unbearable at times. So much anger keeps bubbling up, so deviled in this part of my life, very humbling letting Jesus cleanse me though hard to trust He would love me when I'm like this.


How to give love and respect to myself without approving, endorsing or agreeing with own behaviour and attitudes when raging mad like that? I have always hated myself being like this, blaming God, others and in particular myself for my outbursts. Can't keep on doing that now for my anger is simply bubbling underneath the surface and especially when I feel sickest, best release my bottled up anger and not keep it in any longer.

A constant death that is what my life is at the moment, will be very happy when I past this stage.

Please pray I might keep my eyes on Jesus and not on myself.

Feeling so much better right now!

Lost it big time - and cursed satan to hell in no uncertain terms - liar playing god over my life and bringing me destruction. Always making God's Word to be untrue when he rules! I told him i never bow down to him again and hate him for hurting us down here so badly all the time.

Amazing how much satan made it look like that i was cursing God Almighty instead of him, he poured his threats over me, and called me the son of lawlessness revealed once more, which sparked me in utter rage and curses against his lies, and I let my hate rain down on him.

I have never been so angry in all my life!

The best part was the the music faithfully praised God and encouraged me on, even when it seemed I was the biggest sinner who has ever existed and how did i dare to raise my voice up against god? that i deserved everything i got and much worse.... blah, blah, blah crap!!!

No gracious Jesus let me assure you in any of his lies and threats, making me so sick and torturing me day in day out! The worst is that i let creep, thinking he is god's voice of truth as well in me. He has been deceiving me all this time and i have had my belly full of him and his lies. Any time I see him around in my heart or mind I will curse his skin so God help me.

The amazing part is that I was so ill beforehand that I could hardly function and so unbelievably aggressive that I began to rage at my own thoughts. It is then that I noticed the truth of that liar pouring my sin on me and dragging me through the dirt and me eating all of that filth - not looking at Jesus but him lying about Jesus, others and me all the time. Once i had my eyes on him my rage simply poured and kept pouring until I ran out of rage. (got a very sensitive throat right now!)

Saw the abomination once again! and am running flat out

Leaving all that misery behind and finding safety in The Loving Truth of His Word.

So happy Jesus cut me down untrue like this - what a friend i have in Jesus!

Feeling very tired but much better than before. Cursing satan to his face has never done me any harm I suppose. The interesting part is that self in sin goes along with unholy dad out of door, good riddance of his workmanship in me, been agonising those parts in self for years.

All glory to Jesus.

Why did I read on the charles manson murders? I'm gonna have intrusive thoughts now.

I've been having more good days than bad days lately. However, I have struggled at times in various areas.

Feeling very tired but not sleeping yet, to worked up about today, things are making much more sense right now than ever before. So thankful Jesus loves me true!

I'm tired of regrouping for these SOB's. I wish I had a handle on it like Jeshu, here.

Human Sacrifice said:

I'm tired of regrouping for these SOB's. I wish I had a handle on it like Jeshu, here.

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Step into The Word brother, that is what I did, I stepped into the word and found our Lord and King within doing that.

like here - eat your fill and know He is spiritual and very real

Isaiah 55
“Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without cost.
Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and you will delight in the richest of fare.
Give ear and come to me;
listen, that you may live.
I will make an everlasting covenant with you,
my faithful love promised to David.
See, I have made him a witness to the peoples,
a ruler and commander of the peoples.
Surely you will summon nations you know not,
and nations you do not know will come running to you,
because of the Lord your God,
the Holy One of Israel,
for he has endowed you with splendor.”


Seek the Lord while he may be found;
call on him while he is near.
Let the wicked forsake their ways
and the unrighteous their thoughts.
Let them turn to the Lord, and he will have mercy on them,
and to our God, for he will freely pardon.


“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways,”
declares the Lord.
“As the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.
As the rain and the snow
come down from heaven,
and do not return to it
without watering the earth
and making it bud and flourish,
so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater,
so is my word that goes out from my mouth:
It will not return to me empty,
but will accomplish what I desire
and achieve the purpose for which I sent it.
You will go out in joy
and be led forth in peace;
the mountains and hills
will burst into song before you,
and all the trees of the field
will clap their hands.
Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,
and instead of briers the myrtle will grow.
This will be for the Lord’s renown,
for an everlasting sign,
that will endure forever.”




Have a taste of this as well to help you on the Way!

Zechariah 5
I looked again, and there before me was a flying scroll.

He asked me, “What do you see?”

I answered, “I see a flying scroll, twenty cubits long and ten cubits wide.


And he said to me, “This is the curse that is going out over the whole land; for according to what it says on one side, every thief will be banished, and according to what it says on the other, everyone who swears falsely will be banished. The Lord Almighty declares, ‘I will send it out, and it will enter the house of the thief and the house of anyone who swears falsely by my name. It will remain in that house and destroy it completely, both its timbers and its stones.’”


Then the angel who was speaking to me came forward and said to me, “Look up and see what is appearing.”


I asked, “What is it?”

He replied, “It is a basket.” And he added, “This is the iniquity of the people throughout the land.”


Then the cover of lead was raised, and there in the basket sat a woman! 8 He said, “This is wickedness,” and he pushed her back into the basket and pushed its lead cover down on it.


Then I looked up—and there before me were two women, with the wind in their wings! They had wings like those of a stork, and they lifted up the basket between heaven and earth.


“Where are they taking the basket?” I asked the angel who was speaking to me.


He replied, “To the country of Babylonia to build a house for it. When the house is ready, the basket will be set there in its place.”

See the division God's Word will cause to happen inside your inner world of being? Both the liars and the thieves within will be exposed - and completely done away with - and the unfaithfulness to God's loving truth - your iniquity summed-up like the great prostitute herself - and will hence be dropped of in Babylon to be destroyed - Revelation 18 - time and again!

Not only that!

1 Peter 1:23-25a
...you have been born again, not of perishable seed, but of imperishable, through the living and enduring word of God. For,


“All people are like grass,
and all their glory is like the flowers of the field;
the grass withers and the flowers fall,
but the word of the Lord endures forever.”


Eternal life is assured before our very eyes by The Living Word Himself - our Lord living in us.

Like The Word celebrate within me today!

Revelation 19:1-11

After this I heard what sounded like the roar of a great multitude in heaven shouting:
“Hallelujah!
Salvation and glory and power belong to our God,
for true and just are his judgments.
He has condemned the great prostitute
who corrupted the earth by her adulteries.
He has avenged on her the blood of his servants.”


And again they shouted:

“Hallelujah!
The smoke from her goes up for ever and ever.”


The twenty-four elders and the four living creatures fell down and worshiped God, who was seated on the throne. And they cried:

“Amen, Hallelujah!”


Then a voice came from the throne, saying:

“Praise our God,
all you his servants,
you who fear him,
both great and small!”


Then I heard what sounded like a great multitude, like the roar of rushing waters and like loud peals of thunder, shouting:

“Hallelujah!
For our Lord God Almighty reigns.
Let us rejoice and be glad
and give him glory!
For the wedding of the Lamb has come,
and his bride has made herself ready.
Fine linen, bright and clean,
was given her to wear.”

(Fine linen stands for the righteous acts of God’s holy people.)


Then the angel said to me, “Write this: Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb!” And he added, “These are the true words of God.”


At this I fell at his feet to worship him. But he said to me, “Don’t do that! I am a fellow servant with you and with your brothers and sisters who hold to the testimony of Jesus. Worship God! For it is the Spirit of prophecy who bears testimony to Jesus.”

Had a good day today, at first still very restless but calming as the day progressed. Feeling so much better after yesterday that it is hard to sum-up the difference. Though I'm still very tired and the persecutions and beheadings are in full swing. So weird to see my world for what it is at such close quarters.

How is everyone else?

Not doing too good at the moment.

Hanging in there despite temptations and satanic opposition

Slept almost 6 hours finally a little more rest than just a nap. Feeling good and calm. So happy Jesus got me away from that horrible abomination ruling me in that part of my life. What a bloody liar did I develop within a religious person with a straight jacket on, while I knew all along that mercy not sacrifice was our Lord's request to me about all of that.

At the moment it seems like all of my anger evaporated in the heat of my outburst, no more sore welling up emotions ever since. The best part of all of this is that Jesus did all this without me having to revert to using heaps of calming meds to get away from the turmoil, as a matter of fact I used less instead of more, I'm very happy about that.

I miss being manic

chaoticfirefly said:

I miss being manic

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Yeah I relate to that feeling out found that the more I pined after my manic times the worse my depression became missing it, and not only that but that when my manic time arrived again I would explode the energy released into one big mess in my good life again destroying everything instead of building me up. The real catch 22 we bi-polar people are stuck with I reckon.

I found that the niacin and the 5-htp really helped ward off the worst of the depression as well as the worst of the manic times, bringing my poles much closer than poles apart and making everything easier to cope with than it been before I supplemented these medicines in my life.

Got a long trip ahead of me today and tomorrow. Hope everything goes well.

I had enough of venting to strangers and getting hurt... I QUIT!

Like those thoughts you can't have and your depressed mind can't fathom how to piece them together. Like bees stuck in their own honey. I thought they were cool. Oops it's the in the time I can't realize or forget them once you have had them. I still think they are cool. Reading scripture, I thought, helped me realize they were LIES.

I heard tapping on my window at 4 am and I haven't slept. It was a little unnerving because it didn't sound like a bird because it hit my window three times in a tap-tap-tap sort of way. Like I can't explain the tapping sound in words, but it wasn't what a bird can make.

I didn't hear any cars pull up or talking outside. And I live in the country side. I checked outside when it became light out and found nothing useful.

Maybe I'm just paranoid. But I know I heard a tapping sound.