The one that is gettING away

LostChildinTheMidst said:

I grew up in a Christian family. Life is like a blur to me now, I personally started seeking God last year, before I got into highschool, and that went down hill. I was getting tormented, I'm so afraid of God. I'm afraid that I won't make it to heaven, I'm afrai God is down with me, I try to justify my sin by using the excuse "I'm in highschool" but it's like God is preparing a huge wrath on me. It's almost as if he's my enemy. I know God gives me free will, but my very free will is what scares me the most. I wish I had the desire, I did have the desire to chase afternoon god but my fear overcomes this desire. God looks at the heart and to be very honest I have a very disgusting lustful perverted heart. I wish I didn't, I'm not even truly repentant, I'm afraid I'm becoming like Saul. I used to care but now I don't, my world is falling apart on the inside and I'm just watching it, I don't want to become like King Saul but maybe this was my fate? I wish I had a fate like David. He sinned but he ran after God, right now I'm in the middle of running away from god or to God, I'm afraid to commit because I'm afraid I'll fall away again. I don't know what to do, I know I'm a bad person im so sick, I hope God won't hate me. He's so nice and I feel like he's punishing me because he thinks I'm taking advantage of his kindness I wish I would stop, I wish I could separate my self from my dangerous mindset that if I sin God will save me. The truth is he's had enough, he has other people to worry about. I have become like a tiny speck in this big world, I'm useless and worthless I used to be afraid and I used to be worried that God was done with me but now I have become careless and lazy and sinFULL, I don't like it. I wish I wasn't like Saul who cared about what the people thought. Sometimes I wish I could please God but I'm a failure, Jesus is so nice and I disrespected him, I don't deserve his kindness and forgiveness, now look at me I'm like Judas! I wish I was like peter who came running to Jesus, i pray to Jesus I wrote prayers to him he might've turned his ear from me. I don't blame him. I wish my free will wasn't so selfish. I want to choose eternal Life. But I don't even know where I am anymore, i can't even stand in the presence of God because of the wretched sinner I am. I'm afraid. Please pray for me

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