Marriage and Friends

Paulie079 said:

The answers provided in this thread are pretty typical of the demographic that you're going to find on an online forum I think. Nevertheless, if a person is married, it's just not wise to have opposite sex friendships, especially online. And if someone does, they need to be completely transparent about it. As in their spouse needs to be able to read their interactions. Marriage is hard and both spouses have to be intentional about protecting it.

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Yes, the marriage is the primarily attachment and needs to be respected and protected. And any friendships that aren't respectful to that, won't work.

I don't care either way. I've never been too keen on dropping everyone in your life the second you start dating someone. At the same time, certain boundaries need to be drawn. It depends on what she's comfortable with and what she isn't.

I don’t think this is a simple either/or question, but close friendships with someone of the opposite sex is definitively a common cause of conflict in a marriage, there’s no denying.

Saucy said:

I don't care either way. I've never been too keen on dropping everyone in your life the second you start dating someone. At the same time, certain boundaries need to be drawn. It depends on what she's comfortable with and what she isn't.

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I don't recall anyone suggesting that someone drop everyone in their life when they start dating. In fact, I would say that it is unhealthy for a person to do so. But I am of the opinion that especially when they are dating, men would benefit most from investing in friendships with other men, and women with other women. That doesn't mean that people can't have friendships with people of the opposite sex, but once a relationship get serious it's really most healthy if as a couple they share the same friends. People shouldn't be hanging out one-on-one with friends of the opposite sex once they're in a serious relationship. It is such a breeding ground for distrust.

I also don't think it's a good idea to place the burden of setting your boundaries with the opposite sex on your significant other. To me that comes across as saying that you are willing to be as close with them as you possibly can and your significant other has to tell you where the line is. That's really just putting your S.O. in a position to be the bad guy. Instead, it's a lot more healthy to demonstrate that you value them enough to put healthy boundaries in place so that they feel secure in the relationship. I'm not saying that your S.O. shouldn't have a say in where those boundaries are, but it's up to you as an individual to be intentional about ultimately setting your own boundaries, and hopefully those are boundaries that are honoring and prioritizing your spouse first and foremost.

And I will just say that I think this is especially important for people who spend a big chunk of their free time online talking to people of the opposite sex. Emotional affairs are more subtle than sexual affairs, but they are just as toxic and even easier to stumble into, especially online.

I didn't mean putting the whole burden on her, but working out what certain insecurities are. I've had girlfriends who were very cool with the fact that I had female friends and they became wonderful friends through it. Some were more sensitive to it and we worked out boundaries and all of that. I can see you feel strongly about this and that's fine. I appreciate your reply. It's easy to not have your guard up when you've been single for this long and you tend to be friends with everyone.

I was married for twenty years and my wife had two male friends that she was very close to in high school. Their relationship was totally platonic and I liked the guys.

They would go out sometimes to social events and hang out together without me. I never once made a fuss about it or questioned it. I trusted my wife and was secure in our marriage.

Facebook, however, is a whole different deal...

My ex got involved in that and I never really got into it or paid it much attention until I noticed one guy who kept making some inappropriate comments on her page. Lots of compliments and offers of emotional support. I asked her about him and she said he was just an old friend from high school and not to worry.

I totally trusted her when she said she wanted to take a week to travel back to the Midwest to visit with her best friend. I found out after our divorce that she was meeting the Facebook guy. They are both Christians. She married him two days after our divorce was finalized.

I'm very careful now when on Facebook and commenting on female acquaintances posts; especially if they are married. Usually, I won't comment on or "like" something a married woman posts unless I know the husband pretty well and know it won't be taken the wrong way.