What do you tell someone, who, say, their young child dies of say, cancer, or something...?

GeorgeJ · May 30, 2017

Resha Caner said:
If you know the person, it's not what you say, but what you do - the comfort and support you provide.

...best answer, IMO.....

mukk_in · May 30, 2017

Neogaia777 said:
What do you tell someone, who, say, their young child dies of say, cancer, or something...?

Or something similar, and the person(s) whose child died, want answers, and they are angry with/at God, and it is interfering with their faith and trust in God and his (God's) goodness...?

They want to know "why"...?

What do you tell them, what would you tell them what the reason "why" was...?

I'll start...

I would tell them, as to why, I would start off telling them, "Well, what if your child died in a car accident by a drunk driver...? The reason why your child dies in that case is more clear, it is because the other person that killed them, chose to drink and drive and sin... And it is due to the person that killed them's (the drunk driver's) sins that your child died...

It is not too much different your child dying of cancer, just a little less clear... But, it happened because "someone" sinned... and that or those sins caused cancer to be in the world, and just like your child, or you, or "a", or one of your family members, or someone you know... someone you didn't even know and whom you knew nothing of their sins, (nor did they you or yours, nor knew you), in the case of a car accident, your child dies/died as a kind of "random consequence" of someone you don't even know, nor do they know you's, sins....

Just like the drunk driver was not expecting, or thinking of, or purposely setting out to kill your child, nor does diseases, like cancer, "purposely set out to specifically target" anyone, it just "is what it is" (cancer), and it does what it does (makes people sick and kills them)...

I can tell you that it is a result of someone, somewhere's, at some time(s), "sin" or sins... I cannot tell you why it specifically happened or had to happen to "your child" specifically... But, I do not think it was malice or malicious intent... Cancer is pretty indiscriminate, targets all people of all walks of life, in all kinds of circumstances, of any people group, and affects some of them, by their getting sick and dying in some cases...

Cancer, (the disease), is just "doing what it does", as a lifeform... It targets healthy cells in a person's body and makes those cells not healthy and the cancer itself, (as an entity or lifeform), is just "feeding" or "consuming" like all life does... and a virus or disease like cancer is a lifeform... and it (that lifeform, the cancer) may not even be aware that it is causing or doing any harm... Once it gets in a body, it acts much like other life does, and spreads and grows and consumes till it cannot any longer...

God did not tell or direct the cancer to target your child specifically, thou he did allow the cancer to exist as a part of our reality in a world that, due to sin, must be full of sickness, disease and death... until the sin problem in man, and in the world now, is resolved or fixed or is made no longer a factor...

It is harder to forgive it, when you can't even see, identify, or know the culprit, as it is a little easier (though not very easy) still a "little easier" to get to a point of forgiveness and forgiving the culprit who is guilty of killing your child, (due to their sin), it is at least a little easier to get past, in that case (sometimes)... But, when you can even put a face to the culprit, (like you can with a drunk driver), (but not so much with something like cancer), when you can't even put a face to the culprit, it is more difficult to get to a point of forgiveness so you can let go of the negative emotions for your own sake and move on or get past it...

But, whomever is to blame, even though you can't know, you must find a way to forgive it, and let go, for your own sake... God did not strike your child with cancer, in fact, no one did, just like the drunk driver did not set out to kill your child, but is a result of his or in the cancers case, "mankind's" sin(s)... God, in allowing the sin, has to also allow the sicknesses, diseases, and death caused by it them, but does not direct whom it targets, though he does know...

One day, the problem will be fixed... And, one day, you will get to see your child again, that is a promise of God that is 100% real and true... Make sure you get to go where they are and to be with them, when your time comes, in the meantime here, and not being able to let go of what happened, could hinder or interfere with your being able to see them again, and I know you, or they, do not want that...

God Bless!

What would you tell them as to "why"...?

I said one, do any of you have others (other reasons why)...?

Comments...?

Peace,

God Bless!

Sometimes, especially during grief, it's better not to say anything. Only the Lord Jess would understand the full extent of their pain. Holding their hands and praying softly works wonders and much better than words

. That's been my experience. Hope that helps.

rockytopva · May 30, 2017

A heart felt, "I am sorry for your loss!"

Kit Sigmon · May 30, 2017

Why?....or why him or her?...what's being said is: I'm not ready to be parted
from my family member and or loved one...How am I to cope/How am I to go on?
The other thing that may or may not be said is: "This is unfair/God's unfair" or
even "I hate God for taking my child and or loved one."
We struggle to understand and cope with the death and the loss...cause we love
and value that person so much. We picture a lot of things in life but we don't picture
life without our child, spouse, parent, relative etc.

We who remain, will asks questions...that's normal.
Can the why questions be answered satisfactorily? no.
What we can do is...show the grieving that we are going
to lovingly support them, walk along side them and keep them in our prayers...
in short...we will see them through those dark days...by supplying them with
meals, cards/letters, pray for with and for them, give them hugs/hold their hand/ provide them a shoulder to lean on or to cry on, help them with household chores, encourage them to go to grief counseling (and go with them if they'd like for us to) etc.
We will be the hands, feet etc of the Lord.

Another thing is, we're taught a lot of things in this life but we aren't taught
how to grieve...with each person it's a different process.
I've known people who have never went to a funeral ever...their parents kept death
from them when they were children...if their pet died, the parents just got another one
like what they had and told the child that their other pet has to be in the hospital for a very
long time and wants them to look after it's "friend" (the new pet) while they're away.

Some react to the loss of their loved one by getting rid of all that person's things, while
others may want everything that their loved one had and make that person's room like
it's a shrine, I've been around those who deny that their loved one is dead...I've seen
many extremes when it comes to grieving the passing of a loved one.

I've worked along side families for a long time...I've taken care of the sick, planned funerals, attended funerals and supported those that be grieving...I can't satisfactorily answer the "why" questions, I won't even try...what I can say and have said many times is..."I'm sorry about what has happened but as long as I possible can, I'm here for you."

I've found that it's my presence, care and agape that means a lot to those who are
grieving the loss of their loved one...your presence is invaluable too.

GeorgeJ · May 30, 2017

Kit Sigmon said:
I've found that it's my presence, care and agape that means a lot to those who are
grieving the loss of their loved one...your presence is invaluable too.

Yup!

Dr Bruce Atkinson · May 30, 2017

Neogaia777 said:
What do you tell someone, who, say, their young child dies of say, cancer, or something...?

Or something similar, and the person(s) whose child died, want answers, and they are angry with/at God, and it is interfering with their faith and trust in God and his (God's) goodness...?

They want to know "why"...?

What do you tell them, what would you tell them what the reason "why" was...?

I'll start...

I would tell them, as to why, I would start off telling them, "Well, what if your child died in a car accident by a drunk driver...? The reason why your child dies in that case is more clear, it is because the other person that killed them, chose to drink and drive and sin... And it is due to the person that killed them's (the drunk driver's) sins that your child died...

It is not too much different your child dying of cancer, just a little less clear... But, it happened because "someone" sinned... and that or those sins caused cancer to be in the world, and just like your child, or you, or "a", or one of your family members, or someone you know... someone you didn't even know and whom you knew nothing of their sins, (nor did they you or yours, nor knew you), in the case of a car accident, your child dies/died as a kind of "random consequence" of someone you don't even know, nor do they know you's, sins....

Just like the drunk driver was not expecting, or thinking of, or purposely setting out to kill your child, nor does diseases, like cancer, "purposely set out to specifically target" anyone, it just "is what it is" (cancer), and it does what it does (makes people sick and kills them)...

I can tell you that it is a result of someone, somewhere's, at some time(s), "sin" or sins... I cannot tell you why it specifically happened or had to happen to "your child" specifically... But, I do not think it was malice or malicious intent... Cancer is pretty indiscriminate, targets all people of all walks of life, in all kinds of circumstances, of any people group, and affects some of them, by their getting sick and dying in some cases...

Cancer, (the disease), is just "doing what it does", as a lifeform... It targets healthy cells in a person's body and makes those cells not healthy and the cancer itself, (as an entity or lifeform), is just "feeding" or "consuming" like all life does... and a virus or disease like cancer is a lifeform... and it (that lifeform, the cancer) may not even be aware that it is causing or doing any harm... Once it gets in a body, it acts much like other life does, and spreads and grows and consumes till it cannot any longer...

God did not tell or direct the cancer to target your child specifically, thou he did allow the cancer to exist as a part of our reality in a world that, due to sin, must be full of sickness, disease and death... until the sin problem in man, and in the world now, is resolved or fixed or is made no longer a factor...

It is harder to forgive it, when you can't even see, identify, or know the culprit, as it is a little easier (though not very easy) still a "little easier" to get to a point of forgiveness and forgiving the culprit who is guilty of killing your child, (due to their sin), it is at least a little easier to get past, in that case (sometimes)... But, when you can even put a face to the culprit, (like you can with a drunk driver), (but not so much with something like cancer), when you can't even put a face to the culprit, it is more difficult to get to a point of forgiveness so you can let go of the negative emotions for your own sake and move on or get past it...

But, whomever is to blame, even though you can't know, you must find a way to forgive it, and let go, for your own sake... God did not strike your child with cancer, in fact, no one did, just like the drunk driver did not set out to kill your child, but is a result of his or in the cancers case, "mankind's" sin(s)... God, in allowing the sin, has to also allow the sicknesses, diseases, and death caused by it them, but does not direct whom it targets, though he does know...

One day, the problem will be fixed... And, one day, you will get to see your child again, that is a promise of God that is 100% real and true... Make sure you get to go where they are and to be with them, when your time comes, in the meantime here, and not being able to let go of what happened, could hinder or interfere with your being able to see them again, and I know you, or they, do not want that...

God Bless!

What would you tell them as to "why"...?

I said one, do any of you have others (other reasons why)...?

Comments...?

Peace,

God Bless!

As a professional Christian counselor, I would tell you to avoid giving any pat answers. They are truly not ready for them. In fact, you do not really know the answer for this exact case; only God does. Much, much later, they may be ready to explore with you what the scriptures say. But while they grieve, they need people to simply grieve with them. Jesus wept for the sisters when they were mourning Lazarus's death, even though He knew that He would resurrect him. He felt their pain. We should be empathic and sympathetic, and simply sit with them in silence or let them speak their minds. We should say very little. We cannot fix their grief. It will have to run its course. But if we are truly sympathetic in the initial stages of grief, they will trust us later to help them sort out their thinking about what happened. Never push platitudes on people; that only hurts them and they will push you away.

Radrook · May 31, 2017

Dave G. said:
What I said about a good word "in season" applies here. I don't think upon the death of their beloved child is the time to be having them put their hands on the bible and you walk them through Romans road to salvation, unless they are on their death bed themselves. Maybe a year later if the opportunity unveils itself. You gotta use a little scruples.

Scruples aren't so easy to display for some people:

As a teenager, approx. 17, I was once with my girlfriend Olga when suddenly someone knocked on the door and without any preparation whatsoever simply informed her that her father had just died. Olga immediately dropped to the floor and began rolling from one end of the living room to the other being stopped by the furniture.

The energetic way she was rolling seemed unstoppable so I didn't attempt to intervene. The woman who had delivered the message, a regular churchgoer, just stood by silently observing the whole display. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Olga rose from the floor with tears in her eyes and asked were they had taken her father's body and whether they were sure that it indeed was her father. I accompanied her to the hospital morgue and spoke to the clerk who informed me that her father was indeed in the morgue. Thinking that she was going to drop to the floor again and roll the full length of the hospital waiting room I told her that he wasn't there.

At no time during this whole scenario did it occur to me to hold her in my arms and console her tenderly. Maybe it was her seemingly mechanical, robot like rolling that somehow discouraged me? I have always wondered why and have felt remorse at what seems to me now as inhuman callousness but which was really a feeling of utter helplessness during a perplexing situation.

But what really stands out in my mind is the lady who delivered the message, who was a regular churchgoer, and who said absolutely nothing but just coldly watched. I guess it was jealousy since she had previously expressed interest in a relationship with me. However, one would expect that under such a circumstance a Christian would forget personal matters and that mercy would be displayed as is the Christian obligation to do. Me? I was neither a Christian nor a churchgoer at that time but a gang member.

LadyCrosstalk · May 31, 2017

Christie insb said:
I hope this is hypothetical! If someone has lost a child these answers will seem trite. I would tell them God mourns along with you, and if I can help out or just listen I would be glad to do so. I would try to be God with skin on to this person. Grief is a process and God knows that. Love is more important than doctrine, especially when tragedy occurs. You might want to read The Problem of Pain by C.S. Lewis, then A Grief Observed. The play is good too. All our human words in the face of grief is just so much noise in the wind.

Yes, a person who is grieving intensely really isn't going to enter into theological discussions--what he/she needs is comforting. It is a comfort that only the "God of all comfort" can provide through His Holy Spirit. I would gently nudge that person in the direction of prayer and fasting--that is the ancient method of dealing with grief (they were much less "cerebral" than we are). Jesus notes the importance of fasting to the grieving process ("then will the friends of the Bridegroom fast"). It is actually a comfort to do something bodily while trying to cope with intense emotion.

Weeping with the person--without words--is probably the greatest comfort. Job's friends had the right idea when they did that (of course, then they took it all away with their ill-considered "reasoning"). I think it is at those times, in the silence, that the Holy Spirit prays for the person, "with groanings that cannot be expressed in words" (Romans 8:26). Those who ask "why?" in those circumstances don't really expect that you will have any more of an answer than they do. If they are angry, you can give reassurance that it is okay to express that anger directly to Him--David did.

After the raw emotion of intense grief has spent itself, then is the time to help the grieving person come to cognitive terms with what has happened. If you haven't alienated him/her with attempts to "explain it away" the person will appreciate your Biblical insights. That is why prayer is so essential to every ministry (and especially grief counseling). The Holy Spirit will quiet the urge of the grief counselor to "charge ahead" with various "theological answers."

Roseonathorn · May 31, 2017

I do not know if it always is a good answer or always appliccable but this world is fallen and heaven is pure. We grieve when our loved ones die but our loved ones that are saved and go to heaven whether they are sick in cancer or have accidents go home to their father in heaven that wipe their tears and give them a new body that is free from sickness. They are at peace with God. It is not Gods will that children should die, it is not Yet their time. It is the result of world that is not perfect. Only heaven is perfect. And in due time we hopefully will meet there.

“Paisios” · May 31, 2017

I don't try to answer "why?", except with "I don't know, but I'll be here beside you to mourn with you and support you in any way I can". I have never heard an answer that will comfort a grieving parent, but I've seen many acts of caring, including just being present, that have.

Neogaia777 · Jun 1, 2017

Shoetoyou said:
I don't try to answer "why?", except with "I don't know, but I'll be here beside you to mourn with you and support you in any way I can". I have never heard an answer that will comfort a grieving parent, but I've seen many acts of caring, including just being present, that have.

If that person is angry with God, or comes to hate God, and possibly go to hell, is that your fault...

Aren't we supposed to be thinking less of what that person might think of us, personally, and more about their opinion of our God...?

Not trying to be cold, and yes, when It's fresh, most especially, I do agree with you 100%...

But, at some point...?

God Bless!

“Paisios” · Jun 1, 2017

Neogaia777 said:
If that person is angry with God, or comes to hate God, and possibly go to hell, is that your fault...

Aren't we supposed to be thinking less of what that person might think of us, personally, and more about their opinion of our God...?

Not trying to be cold, and yes, when It's fresh, most especially, I do agree with you 100%...

But, at some point...?

God Bless!

I say "I don't know", (and I was thinking of when it is still fresh), not because I'm worried what they will think of me, but because I have never heard an answer that has satisfied, comforted,or made sense to me when I have suffered losses (never a child, fortunately, but a mother [when I was very young], a stepmother, and all my grandparents, amongst others). I know that Job deals with this issue, and while I accept it as G-d's Word, I confess my limitations in either understanding it or finding it at all comforting.

I have been convinced that G-d is sovereign, omnipotent, omniscient, and loving in other aspects of my life and at other times, so I will trust that He is there in my distress (even when He is hard to find). To a grieving person, I will try to communicate that certainty of G-d's love in my words and actions, hoping to bring them closer to Christ. But I cannot give an answer to "why?" even for my own losses.

When they are angry at G-d, it seems that what has helped in my experience most is to remind them of His love, and let Him work His love through me towards the mourner. I hope and pray that I never do or say anything that drives anyone away from the love of G-d that is in Christ Jesus.

That said, I am watching this thread closely, as I would have great interest in finding out "why" in a manner that would satisfy me as well.

Kixa · Jun 1, 2017

I often go back to how short life is compared to eternity. Even with immense pain it will not last forever. And if our hope is on this life only, on our circumstances, we will miss out on the blessing of peace, joy, and hope that are in the faith. (Like Paul and Silas, who were put in jail for evangelising, were singing God's praises)

God's power is perfect in our weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:29) We can only truly experience God when He does something through us that we could have never done ourselves. And Overcoming a huge, grievous tragedy will surely do that.

And lastly, though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. (2 Corinthians 4:16-17). Even the greatest pain will be light and small compared to the glory that will be greater than the greatest earthly joy. Sometimes being a friend, praying with them, sharing Scriptures, and reminding them it is ok and necessary to grieve is all you can do. But looking at all of eternity as a whole, instead of only this life, has personally helped me deal with this question.

Roseonathorn · Jun 1, 2017

If You ever feel an urge to pray for someone do not ignore it. It could save that persons life or send them from death to life without You ever knowing about it. When it comes to children they can be very responsive to prayer. Pray for Your children and grandchildren daily.

Kiwi Christian · Jun 1, 2017

S

Neogaia777 said:
What do you tell someone, who, say, their young child dies of say, cancer, or something...?

What would you tell them as to "why"...?

I said one, do any of you have others (other reasons why)...?

Comments...?

Peace,

God Bless!

Since they are children, they go to heaven because they have not reached the age or reason/accountability.

"... For the Kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children."

As to "why did they die". Simple. We dont know.

Some possibilities:

1) God knew they would be living a life of pain and He wanted them free of this.
2) Are the parents true "Christians"? If no, God may be using this to get their attention. If yes, is there something in their lives they need to sort out?

it is important to remember that God says "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

Note it does NOT say that all things ARE good, but they will work TOGETHER for good.

Maybe He needs to bring the family and Him closer.

Just some thoughts.

Dean.
www.calvarystudy.info

Open Heart · Jun 2, 2017

Neogaia777 said:
What do you tell someone, who, say, their young child dies of say, cancer, or something...?

You tell them how sorry you are, and that you can't imagine what they must be going through. You tell them you don't know why it happened, but that God loves them, and he cries with every tear they shed, because he is a God who knows what suffering and death is.

Roseonathorn · Jun 13, 2017

NothingIsImpossible said:
Thinking about this, my wife is pregnant and about a month along. But if for some reason there is a miscarriage, I don't know the words to comfort her because as a woman she will be utterly devastated. She will probably blame her self and everyone else.

I wouldn't be as sad simply because I know if it was meant to be the baby would be alive. But that is something I would not tell her really. I pray she does not see this post because I don't want her to realize miscarriage is common sometimes with your first baby and at her age.

All I could really do is hold her and try to comfort her with words. I'd have to leave it to God to totally heal and console her.

I strongly believe miscarriages are children in heaven. So they are not lost forever. They are grieved Yes, but we will hopefully meet lost relatives again when and if we are allowed to heaven.

Roseonathorn · Jun 13, 2017

It happend because this world is not perfect, it can never be. That is why we need God, in a fallen world. When people sin as a whole and cancerogenes are spreading in the nature, whether air, water, the food we eat, pesticides, from the ground radon, radioactive content that enter our bodies, clothes we wear without washing after purchase, make up, new house materials, new furniture, smoking, drinking even passive even our mood can affect our health. If we are depressed or worried we can get cancers, those could be reasons to why cancers stick to us but the cancertreatment is also not a cure. My own dad died in cancer or painkillers, the cancertreatment kills cells, but also cansercells but often new tumors develope too. So those are some reasons to why someone died in cancer, hardly some comfort to a grieving parent. Some alternative clinics have better survival rates than standard treatment but if a child is already diagnosed with cancer then standard treatment is usually the only approved treatment and parents have no rights To decide alternative methods. Only if the child is first diagnosed in an alternative clinic and then gets treated there withouth the knowledge of anyone else. I heard of one physician with cancer as speciality whose child that survived that way. The physician did not have faith in standard medical cancertreatment either.

bling · Jun 13, 2017

Look around and see what you can do to help them, mow the lawn, wash the dishes, clean the house,etc.
Answer with Love.
Sometime down the road we can get philosophical and intellectual about the subject.

DennisTate · Jul 21, 2017

I might give them a copy of Heaven is for Real by Colton and Pastor Todd Burpo.

What do you tell someone, who, say, their young child dies of say, cancer, or something...?

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