I'm tired of thinking about it every day

orangeness365 · Mar 25, 2017

I'm so tired of thinking about suicide every single day. It's been about four or five years now since I was diagnosed with psychosis, and since then I've been thinking about suicide every single day. I have a lot of things and people to be thankful for, but my thoughts revolve around suicide. I try to drown out the thoughts with listening to Christian music. my life has gotten better since my diagnosis, which was the same time I dropped out of the university I was struggling through at the time. while I was there I accumulated a massive amount of debt, and I wonder if I'll ever be able to pay it off. I have a loving, caring family, the abilify takes away the voices, I finally got into another university and changed my major so I can become an accountant. I finally got my driver's license, I live with my parents in a great house that we are renting, but the thoughts of suicide and possibly going to hell when I die are still there. I feel like a failure and a user, because I can't take care of myself even though I'm 26 years old, soon to be 27. I live in a first world country, why can't i just be happy? My only real problem is that I need to get better at driving a car so that i can have a life, but I'm so afraid of driving that it is preventing me from going out and doing things. I do drive, but only to a couple of places like school. I still am completely dependent on my parents. Most of the time I compare myself to who I thought I should have been, what I should have accomplished by this point in my life. At other times I think about how I have psychosis, and think that because of this disability I won't be able to do anything. I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. My dad finally stopped drinking alcohol for over a year now, my mom doesn't yell at us anymore. I'm not stuck in high school anymore where I was constantly having to deal with crap and drama. everyday I think about suicide, and many of those days I say "I hate you" out loud to myself. It's a nasty habit I've been trying to break. so far I don't have any attempts, so I guess that means I probably won't do it. I feel like it's some kind of twisted crutch, where I default back to the idea that if I don't succeed, or if I'm not happy, or if I'm overwhelmed, I can just commit suicide. I feel I should be making God the thing I fall back on, but instead its suicide. It doesn't even make sense but when I start getting afraid of going to hell I just think about committing suicide, even though that would only send me there faster if that's where I'm going. I just feel like this life has too much responsibility and pressure. I can't commit suicide because my dad once said that if I do he might too. I can't be responsible for something like that. When I think about how it would hurt my family it makes me cry. Not because I am deserving of being loved, but I know my family loves me because they are great people. Even after getting into another university my life still feels like a nightmare, and I'm afraid I'm going to fail out again. My dad says that if I continue to study hard and stay away from drugs, I never started doing drugs, and stay on my meds, that I should be able to graduate. Life just seems so hard. I don't even know what I'm complaining about, I should be happy. What is wrong with me? It doesn't help living near to the golden gate bridge. I would have trouble driving there, but there is a bus right by my house and public transit that could get me there in under three hours. i even have a psychologist I see twice a month that I talk to about my problems, but I still feel like garbage every day. I feel this impending sense of doom. I'm constantly expecting things to go wrong. I feel trapped in this life, which is pathetic cuz I have very few problems. I just feel broken. I think the psychotic episodes I had just broke me. I was only unmedicated and listening to voices for about four years, but during that time I lost the will to live. I think I've been delusional since I was a pre teen. I feel like I'm a horrible human being. I've tried to be nice all my life, but I think almost every day I have some flash back of something I did in the past, both during and not during psychosis, that makes me cringe. why can't i just be happy?

JD16 · Mar 25, 2017

Do you have any friends to talk to and share what you are going tru? I find that in such situations its best not to isolate yourself as doing so would cause you to run depressive thoughts over and over, leading to suicidal thoughts. Did you try counselling? Maybe join a club that interest you and broaden your social circle...take care and may you see the light at the end of the tunnel soon.

nChrist · Mar 25, 2017

I will pray that God gives you peace and comfort like only He can give. Think often about being a child of the King of Kings - The LORD of Hosts. Also think about being a purchased possession of the Lord Jesus Christ. Start every day by praying and asking God to walk with you every step of the way. Think about how much you have to give thanks for.

orangeness365 · Mar 25, 2017

JD16 said:
Do you have any friends to talk to and share what you are going tru? I find that in such situations its best not to isolate yourself as doing so would cause you to run depressive thoughts over and over, leading to suicidal thoughts. Did you try counselling? Maybe join a club that interest you and broaden your social circle...take care and may you see the light at the end of the tunnel soon.

I have a couple of online friends, but not in real life. I have a family that I can talk to, but I haven't really talked to them about my suicidal feelings for a long time. I like them to think that I'm just depressed and not suicidal. I don't want to worry them, and I wonder if it would be necessary since I haven't had any attempts yet. I mentioned to my dad to hide the tylenol a couple of months ago because it was tempting for me to want to overdose on it. I see a psychologist and he tells me to think about the things to be thankful for.

orangeness365 · Mar 25, 2017

357magnum said:
I will pray that God gives you peace and comfort like only He can give. Think often about being a child of the King of Kings - The LORD of Hosts. Also think about being a purchased possession of the Lord Jesus Christ. Start every day by praying and asking God to walk with you every step of the way. Think about how much you have to give thanks for.

Thank you for the prayers. I try to think about what I'm thankful for sometimes, and I have come to the conclusion that my life is really good and that I really have few problems, but the thoughts are still there.

JD16 · Mar 25, 2017

orangeness365 said:
I have a couple of online friends, but not in real life. I have a family that I can talk to, but I haven't really talked to them about my suicidal feelings for a long time. I like them to think that I'm just depressed and not suicidal. I don't want to worry them, and I wonder if it would be necessary since I haven't had any attempts yet. I mentioned to my dad to hide the tylenol a couple of months ago because it was tempting for me to want to overdose on it. I see a psychologist and he tells me to think about the things to be thankful for.

If you are hiding your true feelings, nobody knows, and should you attempt, it may be too late then, it always starts with thoughts, and if left unchecked may lead to serious consequences,...I understand your concern about not wanting to worry your family, but I suspect, by suppressing your feelings, it adds to the pressure and is not helping your mental health....my advice would be...just be honest with your family, so that they can look out for you and that would be safer for you, should you try something drastic,....please don't wait till its too late,....take care

newlightseven · Mar 25, 2017

orangeness365 said:
I'm so tired of thinking about suicide every single day. It's been about four or five years now since I was diagnosed with psychosis, and since then I've been thinking about suicide every single day. I have a lot of things and people to be thankful for, but my thoughts revolve around suicide. I try to drown out the thoughts with listening to Christian music. my life has gotten better since my diagnosis, which was the same time I dropped out of the university I was struggling through at the time. while I was there I accumulated a massive amount of debt, and I wonder if I'll ever be able to pay it off. I have a loving, caring family, the abilify takes away the voices, I finally got into another university and changed my major so I can become an accountant. I finally got my driver's license, I live with my parents in a great house that we are renting, but the thoughts of suicide and possibly going to hell when I die are still there. I feel like a failure and a user, because I can't take care of myself even though I'm 26 years old, soon to be 27. I live in a first world country, why can't i just be happy? My only real problem is that I need to get better at driving a car so that i can have a life, but I'm so afraid of driving that it is preventing me from going out and doing things. I do drive, but only to a couple of places like school. I still am completely dependent on my parents. Most of the time I compare myself to who I thought I should have been, what I should have accomplished by this point in my life. At other times I think about how I have psychosis, and think that because of this disability I won't be able to do anything. I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. My dad finally stopped drinking alcohol for over a year now, my mom doesn't yell at us anymore. I'm not stuck in high school anymore where I was constantly having to deal with crap and drama. everyday I think about suicide, and many of those days I say "I hate you" out loud to myself. It's a nasty habit I've been trying to break. so far I don't have any attempts, so I guess that means I probably won't do it. I feel like it's some kind of twisted crutch, where I default back to the idea that if I don't succeed, or if I'm not happy, or if I'm overwhelmed, I can just commit suicide. I feel I should be making God the thing I fall back on, but instead its suicide. It doesn't even make sense but when I start getting afraid of going to hell I just think about committing suicide, even though that would only send me there faster if that's where I'm going. I just feel like this life has too much responsibility and pressure. I can't commit suicide because my dad once said that if I do he might too. I can't be responsible for something like that. When I think about how it would hurt my family it makes me cry. Not because I am deserving of being loved, but I know my family loves me because they are great people. Even after getting into another university my life still feels like a nightmare, and I'm afraid I'm going to fail out again. My dad says that if I continue to study hard and stay away from drugs, I never started doing drugs, and stay on my meds, that I should be able to graduate. Life just seems so hard. I don't even know what I'm complaining about, I should be happy. What is wrong with me? It doesn't help living near to the golden gate bridge. I would have trouble driving there, but there is a bus right by my house and public transit that could get me there in under three hours. i even have a psychologist I see twice a month that I talk to about my problems, but I still feel like garbage every day. I feel this impending sense of doom. I'm constantly expecting things to go wrong. I feel trapped in this life, which is pathetic cuz I have very few problems. I just feel broken. I think the psychotic episodes I had just broke me. I was only unmedicated and listening to voices for about four years, but during that time I lost the will to live. I think I've been delusional since I was a pre teen. I feel like I'm a horrible human being. I've tried to be nice all my life, but I think almost every day I have some flash back of something I did in the past, both during and not during psychosis, that makes me cringe. why can't i just be happy?

Joel Osteen is the preacher who has been blessed with helping those struggling with depression.

Korean-American Christian · Mar 25, 2017

My personal recommendation is Max Lucado. You can find his sermons on YouTube

Jeshu · Mar 26, 2017

orangeness365 said:
I'm so tired of thinking about suicide every single day. It's been about four or five years now since I was diagnosed with psychosis, and since then I've been thinking about suicide every single day. I have a lot of things and people to be thankful for, but my thoughts revolve around suicide. I try to drown out the thoughts with listening to Christian music. my life has gotten better since my diagnosis, which was the same time I dropped out of the university I was struggling through at the time. while I was there I accumulated a massive amount of debt, and I wonder if I'll ever be able to pay it off. I have a loving, caring family, the abilify takes away the voices, I finally got into another university and changed my major so I can become an accountant. I finally got my driver's license, I live with my parents in a great house that we are renting, but the thoughts of suicide and possibly going to hell when I die are still there. I feel like a failure and a user, because I can't take care of myself even though I'm 26 years old, soon to be 27. I live in a first world country, why can't i just be happy? My only real problem is that I need to get better at driving a car so that i can have a life, but I'm so afraid of driving that it is preventing me from going out and doing things. I do drive, but only to a couple of places like school. I still am completely dependent on my parents. Most of the time I compare myself to who I thought I should have been, what I should have accomplished by this point in my life. At other times I think about how I have psychosis, and think that because of this disability I won't be able to do anything. I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. My dad finally stopped drinking alcohol for over a year now, my mom doesn't yell at us anymore. I'm not stuck in high school anymore where I was constantly having to deal with crap and drama. everyday I think about suicide, and many of those days I say "I hate you" out loud to myself. It's a nasty habit I've been trying to break. so far I don't have any attempts, so I guess that means I probably won't do it. I feel like it's some kind of twisted crutch, where I default back to the idea that if I don't succeed, or if I'm not happy, or if I'm overwhelmed, I can just commit suicide. I feel I should be making God the thing I fall back on, but instead its suicide. It doesn't even make sense but when I start getting afraid of going to hell I just think about committing suicide, even though that would only send me there faster if that's where I'm going. I just feel like this life has too much responsibility and pressure. I can't commit suicide because my dad once said that if I do he might too. I can't be responsible for something like that. When I think about how it would hurt my family it makes me cry. Not because I am deserving of being loved, but I know my family loves me because they are great people. Even after getting into another university my life still feels like a nightmare, and I'm afraid I'm going to fail out again. My dad says that if I continue to study hard and stay away from drugs, I never started doing drugs, and stay on my meds, that I should be able to graduate. Life just seems so hard. I don't even know what I'm complaining about, I should be happy. What is wrong with me? It doesn't help living near to the golden gate bridge. I would have trouble driving there, but there is a bus right by my house and public transit that could get me there in under three hours. i even have a psychologist I see twice a month that I talk to about my problems, but I still feel like garbage every day. I feel this impending sense of doom. I'm constantly expecting things to go wrong. I feel trapped in this life, which is pathetic cuz I have very few problems. I just feel broken. I think the psychotic episodes I had just broke me. I was only unmedicated and listening to voices for about four years, but during that time I lost the will to live. I think I've been delusional since I was a pre teen. I feel like I'm a horrible human being. I've tried to be nice all my life, but I think almost every day I have some flash back of something I did in the past, both during and not during psychosis, that makes me cringe. why can't i just be happy?

Sad to hear you also suffer from psychosis and depression, I've struggled with the same issues, also the desire to commit suicide is not strange to me in any way. I struggled with suicidal depression for 18 months once it was a life and death struggle let me assure you where I literally begged my wife and kids to let me go and finish myself off. (I thank God now they wouldn't though I cursed them then.)

So honest there is hope. For you as well!

Sadly for me psych meds only ever helped in part, so please don't dump them, for without those I would have certainly died, but they never succeeded in completely freeing me from either psychosis, anxiety, rage, insomnia, nor depression.

Last year at the peak of another psychosis I came into contact with another person who suffered from psychosis and used Niacin and 5-HTP to treat his illness with very good results. So I tried Niacin and 5-HTP as well along with the whole complex range of vitamins Bs and also zinc, magnesium and vitamin C to make it work better.

No bull! I hadn't slept for ages at the time I stated the Niacin, I took 3000 mg of niacin and 2000 mg of vitamin C the first day - 3 x 1000 - and slept for ten hours. Now 6 months later I use between 2000-3000 mg of niacin everyday (till I glow nicely) and I have no more psychosis just like this person who brought me in touch with this stuff. So it might well be worth your while as well.

There is no need need to finish it those evil voices can be stilled. I love my life now even though I still get times with depression but no hallucinations or psychosis is greatest ever!!!

Have a look and also Niacin is cheap!!!

DoctorYourself.com - Review of VITAMIN B-3 AND SCHIZOPHRENIA

Far Side Of the Moon · Mar 26, 2017

I know how you feel, except I don't have my license nor do I hear voices... But I'm 25 balding, still in school and struggle with anxiety...sometimes I feel my life will lead me nowhere.. I'm also afraid if failing out of school, school is all I have ..I feel its my only shot to happiness,

I just keep saying go have to fight with every bit of strength I have in me to just keep going you know? Sometimes that's all u can do.
You aren't alone.

orangeness365 · Mar 26, 2017

Far Side Of the Moon said:
I know how you feel, except I don't have my license nor do I hear voices... But I'm 25 balding, still in school and struggle with anxiety...sometimes I feel my life will lead me nowhere.. I'm also afraid if failing out of school, school is all I have ..I feel its my only shot to happiness,

I just keep saying go have to fight with every bit of strength I have in me to just keep going you know? Sometimes that's all u can do.
You aren't alone.

I'm sorry you are suffering. I admit I also go to reddit and visit the suicide watch portion of the website to hear other people's stories, hear encouragement, and know that I'm not alone in this. I spent a year thinking that I would never get a job or finish college, after I dropped out, and I think at the moment that it was the hardest year of my life. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone. You're right, about needing to keep fighting. Sometimes I wish I could just give up, but you're right, all there is to do is to keep pushing forward.

orangeness365 · Mar 26, 2017

Jeshu said:
Sad to hear you also suffer from psychosis and depression, I've struggled with the same issues, also the desire to commit suicide is not strange to me in any way. I struggled with suicidal depression for 18 months once it was a life and death struggle let me assure you where I literally begged my wife and kids to let me go and finish myself off. (I thank God now they wouldn't though I cursed them then.)

So honest there is hope. For you as well!

Sadly for me psych meds only ever helped in part, so please don't dump them, for without those I would have certainly died, but they never succeeded in completely freeing me from either psychosis, anxiety, rage, insomnia, nor depression.

Last year at the peak of another psychosis I came into contact with another person who suffered from psychosis and used Niacin and 5-HTP to treat his illness with very good results. So I tried Niacin and 5-HTP as well along with the whole complex range of vitamins Bs and also zinc, magnesium and vitamin C to make it work better.

No bull! I hadn't slept for ages at the time I stated the Niacin, I took 3000 mg of niacin and 2000 mg of vitamin C the first day - 3 x 1000 - and slept for ten hours. Now 6 months later I use between 2000-3000 mg of niacin everyday (till I glow nicely) and I have no more psychosis just like this person who brought me in touch with this stuff. So it might well be worth your while as well.

There is no need need to finish it those evil voices can be stilled. I love my life now even though I still get times with depression but no hallucinations or psychosis is greatest ever!!!

Have a look and also Niacin is cheap!!!

DoctorYourself.com - Review of VITAMIN B-3 AND SCHIZOPHRENIA

I'm glad that niacin cured you of psychosis, delusions, and insomnia. Right now I don't know if the antidepressants actually dampen my depression, but they do get rid of the voices, help me sleep, and help me to not overeat. Right now I'm on a med combination that allows me to function and get good grades so far, so I'm going to stick to them.

Far Side Of the Moon · Mar 26, 2017

orangeness365 said:
I'm sorry you are suffering. I admit I also go to reddit and visit the suicide watch portion of the website to hear other people's stories, hear encouragement, and know that I'm not alone in this. I spent a year thinking that I would never get a job or finish college, after I dropped out, and I think at the moment that it was the hardest year of my life. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone. You're right, about needing to keep fighting. Sometimes I wish I could just give up, but you're right, all there is to do is to keep pushing forward.

Right just have to keep going.. One thing that's helps me to put things in perspective is that life is short enough already so why rush it? We'll all pass eventually.

Jeshu · Mar 26, 2017

orangeness365 said:
I'm glad that niacin cured you of psychosis, delusions, and insomnia. Right now I don't know if the antidepressants actually dampen my depression, but they do get rid of the voices, help me sleep, and help me to not overeat. Right now I'm on a med combination that allows me to function and get good grades so far, so I'm going to stick to them.

That is Great you found meds that work to some degree!

Now try and supplement niacin along with that combination. That is how I did that that as well to start off with. I simply kept taking my psych meds and added the vitamins.

Only this week did I stop using my anti-psychotics completely, after weaning myself of them over a period of 2 months. The good thing with niacin is that apart of the flushing for about 60-90 minutes after I have taken it I have had no psychosis nor hallucinations, that has only happened to me ever since I started using Niacin - even anti-psychotics have never been able to achieve that. Though at the beginning I did still need my anti-psychotics at times, after only a few months my mind had calmed down that much that I could begin to drop on them and only now have I completely stopped them. (Just making sure I'm okay I suppose.)

For me anti-depressants have never worked either they drive me insane and make me depressed instead of alleviate it. I've tried basically all of them. As a matter of fact because all modern psych meds are basically combination drugs and have some kind of anti-depressants in them is why I was on old psych meds from the sixties and seventies, otherwise they still wouldn't work, I did get horrible side effects of course but at least they stopped my psychosis.

I hope you will find something to alleviate your sufferings as well. It is hard to be mentally ill. :hug:

Tempura · Mar 27, 2017

I love how you people encourage each other. That brotherly/sisterly love, it is amazing.

To those of you struggling, you are not horrible people. You are people. I hope you do not lie to those people who can help you, because eventually you may end up lying to yourselves. Acknowledging those bad thoughts is important. Don't believe those thoughts, don't follow them, just acknowledge them. It's easy to get "stuck" in those thoughts, and it may seem like they won't ever leave. But they will. And if they come back, let them, you have more experience and patience than the last time. I hope you get all the help you can. I'm very glad that you're able to function on many ways though. It's a good thing.

For me, the thought of suicide was comforting in a twisted way. As if it was something I could trust, something safe, and when I thought about it I seemed to have peace. But I didn't obey those thoughts. They were always lies. I didn't follow through.

Don't try to force happiness. Let it happen piece by piece. In the meantime, endure, and you will grow. Even if you feel like you won't grow. You will. God bless all of you. You are not horrible people. A burden doesn't make anyone horrible.

Far Side Of the Moon · Mar 31, 2017

Jeshu said:
That is Great you found meds that work to some degree!

Now try and supplement niacin along with that combination. That is how I did that that as well to start off with. I simply kept taking my psych meds and added the vitamins.

Only this week did I stop using my anti-psychotics completely, after weaning myself of them over a period of 2 months. The good thing with niacin is that apart of the flushing for about 60-90 minutes after I have taken it I have had no psychosis nor hallucinations, that has only happened to me ever since I started using Niacin - even anti-psychotics have never been able to achieve that. Though at the beginning I did still need my anti-psychotics at times, after only a few months my mind had calmed down that much that I could begin to drop on them and only now have I completely stopped them. (Just making sure I'm okay I suppose.)

For me anti-depressants have never worked either they drive me insane and make me depressed instead of alleviate it. I've tried basically all of them. As a matter of fact because all modern psych meds are basically combination drugs and have some kind of anti-depressants in them is why I was on old psych meds from the sixties and seventies, otherwise they still wouldn't work, I did get horrible side effects of course but at least they stopped my psychosis.

I hope you will find something to alleviate your sufferings as well. It is hard to be mentally ill.

I'm glad your suffering appears to be over. Mental illness is a fulltime job honestly and it is hard... Praying for u orangeness.

Far Side Of the Moon · Mar 31, 2017

Jeshu said:
That is Great you found meds that work to some degree!

Now try and supplement niacin along with that combination. That is how I did that that as well to start off with. I simply kept taking my psych meds and added the vitamins.

Only this week did I stop using my anti-psychotics completely, after weaning myself of them over a period of 2 months. The good thing with niacin is that apart of the flushing for about 60-90 minutes after I have taken it I have had no psychosis nor hallucinations, that has only happened to me ever since I started using Niacin - even anti-psychotics have never been able to achieve that. Though at the beginning I did still need my anti-psychotics at times, after only a few months my mind had calmed down that much that I could begin to drop on them and only now have I completely stopped them. (Just making sure I'm okay I suppose.)

For me anti-depressants have never worked either they drive me insane and make me depressed instead of alleviate it. I've tried basically all of them. As a matter of fact because all modern psych meds are basically combination drugs and have some kind of anti-depressants in them is why I was on old psych meds from the sixties and seventies, otherwise they still wouldn't work, I did get horrible side effects of course but at least they stopped my psychosis.

I hope you will find something to alleviate your sufferings as well. It is hard to be mentally ill.

I'm glad your suffering appears to be over. Mental illness is a fulltime job honestly and it is hard... Praying for u orangeness.

Far Side Of the Moon · Mar 31, 2017

Jeshu said:
That is Great you found meds that work to some degree!

Now try and supplement niacin along with that combination. That is how I did that that as well to start off with. I simply kept taking my psych meds and added the vitamins.

Only this week did I stop using my anti-psychotics completely, after weaning myself of them over a period of 2 months. The good thing with niacin is that apart of the flushing for about 60-90 minutes after I have taken it I have had no psychosis nor hallucinations, that has only happened to me ever since I started using Niacin - even anti-psychotics have never been able to achieve that. Though at the beginning I did still need my anti-psychotics at times, after only a few months my mind had calmed down that much that I could begin to drop on them and only now have I completely stopped them. (Just making sure I'm okay I suppose.)

For me anti-depressants have never worked either they drive me insane and make me depressed instead of alleviate it. I've tried basically all of them. As a matter of fact because all modern psych meds are basically combination drugs and have some kind of anti-depressants in them is why I was on old psych meds from the sixties and seventies, otherwise they still wouldn't work, I did get horrible side effects of course but at least they stopped my psychosis.

I hope you will find something to alleviate your sufferings as well. It is hard to be mentally ill.

I'm glad your suffering appears to be over. Mental illness is a fulltime job honestly and it is hard... Praying for u orangeness.

Far Side Of the Moon · Mar 31, 2017

Jeshu said:
That is Great you found meds that work to some degree!

Now try and supplement niacin along with that combination. That is how I did that that as well to start off with. I simply kept taking my psych meds and added the vitamins.

Only this week did I stop using my anti-psychotics completely, after weaning myself of them over a period of 2 months. The good thing with niacin is that apart of the flushing for about 60-90 minutes after I have taken it I have had no psychosis nor hallucinations, that has only happened to me ever since I started using Niacin - even anti-psychotics have never been able to achieve that. Though at the beginning I did still need my anti-psychotics at times, after only a few months my mind had calmed down that much that I could begin to drop on them and only now have I completely stopped them. (Just making sure I'm okay I suppose.)

For me anti-depressants have never worked either they drive me insane and make me depressed instead of alleviate it. I've tried basically all of them. As a matter of fact because all modern psych meds are basically combination drugs and have some kind of anti-depressants in them is why I was on old psych meds from the sixties and seventies, otherwise they still wouldn't work, I did get horrible side effects of course but at least they stopped my psychosis.

I hope you will find something to alleviate your sufferings as well. It is hard to be mentally ill.

I'm glad your suffering appears to be over. Mental illness is a fulltime job honestly and it is hard... Praying for u orangeness.

Jeshu · Apr 1, 2017

Far Side Of the Moon said:
I'm glad your suffering appears to be over. Mental illness is a fulltime job honestly and it is hard... Praying for u orangeness.

Proverbs 3:1-18
My son, do not forget my teaching,
but keep my commands in your heart,
for they will prolong your life many years
and bring you peace and prosperity.

Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
bind them around your neck,
write them on the tablet of your heart.
Then you will win favor and a good name
in the sight of God and man.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.

Do not be wise in your own eyes;
fear the Lord and shun evil.
This will bring health to your body
and nourishment to your bones.

Honor the Lord with your wealth,
with the firstfruits of all your crops;
then your barns will be filled to overflowing,
and your vats will brim over with new wine.

My son, do not despise the Lord’s discipline,
and do not resent his rebuke,
because the Lord disciplines those he loves,
as a father the son he delights in.

Blessed are those who find wisdom,
those who gain understanding,
for she is more profitable than silver
and yields better returns than gold.
She is more precious than rubies;
nothing you desire can compare with her.
Long life is in her right hand;
in her left hand are riches and honor.
Her ways are pleasant ways,
and all her paths are peace.
She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her;
those who hold her fast will be blessed.

Yes it is hard to be mentally ill. And no my suffering isn't over yet, it continues to this day, though it is true that things have improved a lot over the last 6.5 years in particularly. Ever since I dumped the abomination that brings desolation my life has began to improve on a daily basis. And now? No more misery. No more pit. No more hopelessness, or despair, or panic attacks grilling and yes that is greatest.

See I still get very depressed at times. Sometimes I'm so depressed that I can't even walk or think or do anything physically anymore. In the past such times used to be suicidal watch times, they were worst torture ever. Today I know I can lay on my bed nicely curled up in the fetus position, (I find that safest and most comfortable,) and be utterly depressed like this for days sometimes but still at peace in my heart and God's rest is still with me.

As a matter of fact in this place, which I call my holiest of holiest, for true love is separated from the ore down there and everywhere I look inside I see precious metals and stones adorning the place. My past torturous place is now my royal bedroom. Honestly true! For Jesus dwells with there at His very best, He comforts me, and keeps me, and strengthens me, and watches over me, and tends my sores, like no-one else ever has been able to do - so very personal.

This is where I the hurting one live. I who suffer the bad life worst. I who had least faith when it came to it. I who was poorest - I the reject. Despised and hated even within myself in times past. I who was crucified beside Him and cursed Him at first but then repented when I realised He was innocent. The amazing thing I realised when I got to know Jesus is how much we are alike! WE both suffered the wicked worst. We both got crucified. We both agonized the misery of sin and have been touched by godforsakenness but Jesus was innocent and i was guilty as charged.

Today i rule my life with Jesus. I love Jesus the most within myself and He loves me the most (tenderly of all.) We get on so well now - it is unreal to have Him as a friend. I never knew Jesus was this good sis and what I missed out on wailing my misery in the past while I was sitting right on top of Him! Hating Him, envying Him, blaming Him, cursing Him and nailing Him on a cross. How I could have ever done that is totally beyond me now but I know I did back then, and He still loved me, send help, and got me out. He is Greatest Friend one could ever find or be lucky enough to come across.

That is my testimony of finding Jesus - or rather - Jesus finding me!

I'm not sure but I don't think I shared this poem with you yet, it is about my suffering self and me meeting Jesus in my life and Him getting me away from trouble.

All who suffer be of good courage and seek to find Jesus in your inner reality as well He is greatest to have as Friend, Advisor, Bother, King, Lord, Councilor, Bringer of Good Life and Faithful God.

The Beggar Of My Existence

Begging I lay beside the road, unable to get-up or move on.
Paralysed after a viscous assault when I was just a little kid
bloodied I stared at my wretched existence for many years.
Hope had gone, pain throbbing, hungry and thirsty, cold and alone,
the inner demons dragging me deeper and deeper down the drain,
helpless the wicked abused my life, robbing me of all my possessions.

Most of my life I lay there beside the road alone
I don't know how I survived my miserable existence,
by-passers often bashed me, blaming me for their hate.
At first I was raped night after night for years,
lately mainly tortured for cruel fun and cheap thrills,
oh yes, those wicked ones have been hurting me!

Not often have peels been part of my diet,
weeds, grass, rotten fruit and insects,
that's what I ate, such meagre meals.
I was skin over bones and smelled like sewage.
Walking dead, longing for an early ending.
I didn't feel worthy to carry the name human.

Suddenly I became aware of a pleasant aroma,
a beautifully perfumed visitor, a rich stranger,
he knelt beside beside me and took hold of me
I thought, maybe he'll give me something worthwhile,
I'd better ask quickly before he goes on his way,
normally the rich don't ever stop to talk to me!

Facing the visitor I croaked through parched lips,
please? I am unable to move and very hungry,
my last visitor abused me and I'm hurting bad,
could you spare me some food or money,
a sip of water, I'm so thirsty right now?
Expectantly I looked up into the man's eyes.

Chewing delicious bread I stared at the stranger,
the young wine had refreshed me completely
where did all this come from I wonder?
My taste-buds were in Heaven and so was I
I couldn't believe what I was hearing
I remember his lips pronounce the words;

"Shalom... Beloved...

..You're most welcome, my child," he said,
"Eat your fill, here, have another sip of wine,
your clothes are all worn, dirty and broken.
At home I have some new clean garments your size,
a warm bath and a place of safety and rest,
awaiting my dwelling-place high-up New Eden street."

That's what he said, and that's what he did for me!
Amazed I watched as out of nowhere servants arrived,
gently lifting me out of my grime and of the street,
carrying me along an all together different route,
right to the top of a most beautiful mountain hill,
halting before a mansion I didn't know could exist.

A doctor came and tended my wounds and sores
ointments soothing, smelling like fragrant herbs
a massage, gently, carefully rejuvenating me.
Years long ache disappearing, well-being arriving,
heaven on earth how could all this be for me,
when did I do anything to deserve this treatment?

A gentle knock on my door, as I lay sleeping
in a massive bedroom, adorned for royalty.
"You've been invited at The Feast tonight."
I recall this loving moment fleetingly pass by,
how lovely he looked standing there,
"and Dad said he likes to meet you as well."

I remember how confused I had been, Dad?
A party tonight, seeing Dad, who and what else?
Why is he looking after me so fantastically well?
My mind was in turmoil after all these events,
several hours ago I still lay dying in my filth,
and now..? now I was so alive and so fulfilled!

Gratitude arose like paradise restored within,
never before did I feel so much thankfulness,
I'd been rescued from a life of painful misery,
saved from the wretchedness of my existence,
restored to human dignity, loved and cared for,
deep down I knew Life had found me for good.

Newsgurl · Apr 30, 2017

I have struggled through the thought of suicide since I was 11. I am now 26, but my childhood wasn't a great one. I got molested at age 10 I was verbally and emotionally abused every day. I kept going through days where I wanted to kill myself and I have attempted many times. God had a plan for me though, to help people that are going through this same issue. I've had 3 friends of mine commit suicide and it's very hard to deal with that especially for their families. It took me 15 years to cope with my depression and thoughts of suicide. Keep your friends and family close they are good support for you and you have a psychologist so you can tell them your feelings also. Sometimes we all just have "bad" days and wish we were never born. I'll pray for you to get better. It may not happen overnight but if you trust God and His plan he has for your future things will get better.

Lucas Sleasman · Jun 1, 2017

orangeness365 said:
I'm so tired of thinking about suicide every single day. It's been about four or five years now since I was diagnosed with psychosis, and since then I've been thinking about suicide every single day. I have a lot of things and people to be thankful for, but my thoughts revolve around suicide. I try to drown out the thoughts with listening to Christian music. my life has gotten better since my diagnosis, which was the same time I dropped out of the university I was struggling through at the time. while I was there I accumulated a massive amount of debt, and I wonder if I'll ever be able to pay it off. I have a loving, caring family, the abilify takes away the voices, I finally got into another university and changed my major so I can become an accountant. I finally got my driver's license, I live with my parents in a great house that we are renting, but the thoughts of suicide and possibly going to hell when I die are still there. I feel like a failure and a user, because I can't take care of myself even though I'm 26 years old, soon to be 27. I live in a first world country, why can't i just be happy? My only real problem is that I need to get better at driving a car so that i can have a life, but I'm so afraid of driving that it is preventing me from going out and doing things. I do drive, but only to a couple of places like school. I still am completely dependent on my parents. Most of the time I compare myself to who I thought I should have been, what I should have accomplished by this point in my life. At other times I think about how I have psychosis, and think that because of this disability I won't be able to do anything. I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. My dad finally stopped drinking alcohol for over a year now, my mom doesn't yell at us anymore. I'm not stuck in high school anymore where I was constantly having to deal with crap and drama. everyday I think about suicide, and many of those days I say "I hate you" out loud to myself. It's a nasty habit I've been trying to break. so far I don't have any attempts, so I guess that means I probably won't do it. I feel like it's some kind of twisted crutch, where I default back to the idea that if I don't succeed, or if I'm not happy, or if I'm overwhelmed, I can just commit suicide. I feel I should be making God the thing I fall back on, but instead its suicide. It doesn't even make sense but when I start getting afraid of going to hell I just think about committing suicide, even though that would only send me there faster if that's where I'm going. I just feel like this life has too much responsibility and pressure. I can't commit suicide because my dad once said that if I do he might too. I can't be responsible for something like that. When I think about how it would hurt my family it makes me cry. Not because I am deserving of being loved, but I know my family loves me because they are great people. Even after getting into another university my life still feels like a nightmare, and I'm afraid I'm going to fail out again. My dad says that if I continue to study hard and stay away from drugs, I never started doing drugs, and stay on my meds, that I should be able to graduate. Life just seems so hard. I don't even know what I'm complaining about, I should be happy. What is wrong with me? It doesn't help living near to the golden gate bridge. I would have trouble driving there, but there is a bus right by my house and public transit that could get me there in under three hours. i even have a psychologist I see twice a month that I talk to about my problems, but I still feel like garbage every day. I feel this impending sense of doom. I'm constantly expecting things to go wrong. I feel trapped in this life, which is pathetic cuz I have very few problems. I just feel broken. I think the psychotic episodes I had just broke me. I was only unmedicated and listening to voices for about four years, but during that time I lost the will to live. I think I've been delusional since I was a pre teen. I feel like I'm a horrible human being. I've tried to be nice all my life, but I think almost every day I have some flash back of something I did in the past, both during and not during psychosis, that makes me cringe. why can't i just be happy?

Hi there, as someone that has contemplated suicide a few times in my life, I think I understand a little of what you are going through. Like you I've never had many friends I could lean on. So I'd like to suggest what JD16 suggested and give you a few more options. JD16 said you should join a club, and I think that might be the best thing for you right now. Take a look at what your hobbies are, and try to find other people around you that do the same things. For me this was playing trading card games, and video games. If you'd like to join a local church (assuming you haven't already), they often have outreach programs to help keep youths occupied. Another good option is looking into volunteering on the weekends. Look into some of your local charity groups and see who is looking for help.

I'll tell you, if you spend your time looking for ways to help others, eventually you'll forget about your own problems. I'll send you my prayers, so be well, and I hope you find your way.

I'm tired of thinking about it every day

Well-Known Member

What Would Evolution Do?

AKA: Tom - Saved By Grace Through Faith

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

What Would Evolution Do?

In the confessional

raised Presbyterian. member of the Nazarene Church

Bought by His Blood

" The moon is high& the stars are aligned" :)

Well-Known Member

Well-Known Member

" The moon is high& the stars are aligned" :)

Bought by His Blood

Noob

" The moon is high& the stars are aligned" :)

" The moon is high& the stars are aligned" :)

" The moon is high& the stars are aligned" :)

" The moon is high& the stars are aligned" :)

Bought by His Blood

Always here to help

Member

Similar threads