Well, I had been, in my head (but not fully in my heart I can see in retrospect) thinking for a while as a teenager that I did not believe in God. (Yet....I prayed to Him once or twice even in those years, I remember. So that shows us something about the head vs the heart.) Later, I figured out that there is no way to be sure God doesn't exist, so I was agnostic then for a while, and then later I took a sort of step towards God as I started to believe some in the idea of a 'universal consciousness' or the 'all things are one', which is also called I found out later the 'perennial philosophy'. But even in those days I felt pulled at times to find out more about what Christ said, because the words were coming back to mind I had read at age 11, so very intriguing, and I was older and had begun to get at least some of the profound nature of this -- "Love your neighbor as yourself." and "Love your enemies" Did He really say that!? --Why? What did Jesus mean by "love your enemies"?? Why would He say that? In time I began to see Him as a great philosopher. I was into Joseph Campbell at that time in my 20s, so that I didn't think that myths had to be wrong, but instead were to be a repository of wisdom. I had been reading widely, stuff like Emerson, Lao Tzu, etc., and what happened is I began to see how Christ's words were like the intersection set of the various wisdom traditions, and my respect for Him went up even higher.
But I still did not believe in my head.
But I did begin to wonder, more.
Could it be?
Might He be....real? Emotional. It was also powerful on an emotional level. Because of words like these: "A new command I give you, that you love one another". "I tell you [to forgive] not seven times, but seventy times seven." I started to wonder, since I'd been reading about plenty of history, such as northern Ireland for instance, if that was the only way to peace (that lasts).
The idea of the 'universal consciousness', from which we come, and to which we return, that idea had some hold on me. You see, in some ways, it's true. It's just very incomplete.
So it took a while. But one day, working outside, I was finally to this point -- I prayed, with true sincerity from my heart "God....make a way from me to you.... ....Bring me to you." and I really meant it. It was real "seek me with all of your heart". So, I can't remember just how long it was after that prayer, hours, days? But I slid backwards off of a 2nd story roof above large rocks. Total desperation. I knew this was certain serious injury or death, and it was unavoidable. I prayed, spontaneous, for real, "Help!" and I knew Who I was calling to, that He could do it. I didn't know for an instant if He would save me, but at that moment I knew simply that He could if He chose. Then I felt He would. I knew it in my heart. No atheist in a foxhole, that moment. On some level I just...surrendered. I knew I could not stop the slide, and I could even tell I wouldn't be able to grab the rain gutter. I just knew it, and I just surrendered utterly to rely on Him. My thought was "Save me" (I know you can). Something happened that's never happened before or since -- it was as if I blacked out, in mid air, just lost consciousness. I've even fallen a few times from 8+ feet (once from 18 feet, I've been up ladders more than 10,000 times), and never lost consciousness -- just the opposite, a super-charged adrenaline time-slowing consciousness, the opposite of blacking out. I woke up sitting about 6 feet down on a balcony porch railing, my feet suspended over the air, perfectly balanced. Maybe that's 1 in 100 odds.....if not with a prayer and losing consciousness for the only time in my life.....No bruises. How do you fall 5-6 feet onto a 1" metal rail and have zero pain or bruising (just a superficial cut (top layer of skin only; which reveals a white sheathing underneath!) on my arm from the rain gutter)....? Every other time I've fallen there was impact pain. But not this time. A 24-foot ladder then banged down against that railing right beside me. Now, this did not by itself close the case, but suddenly I knew I had been wrong in several ways about how life works. I told a friend "Life doesn't work the way we think it does." Now I was on the track, and now I began seeking Him more totally, because I knew now that God is real, even though I did not yet have confidence say in churches, I did have confidence now in God, Whom I knew is far above mere description and mere control. I began to read more in the gospels, wondering how much had been conveyed truly, accurately. And of course I began to realize it was more and more until finally I realized after seeing that 12 or 14 things I could understand were all entirely real truth -- they work better than any other way of any kind anyone has thought of -- that 12 or 14 in a row was very suggestive. That all of it was true. All. That fall and rescue was back in 2002, and all of my prayers that I know the result of have every one been answered, and that's very convincing. Sometimes frightening. I was often somewhat frightened by having prayers answered. But I was praying as Christ said to, because I only trusted the gospels, alone, at that time, and never considered any other way of praying (of any kind) to have any surety. Just the way He said to, alone. So, later, after one of my feet had pain for about a year and a half, and I prayed for it to be healed, just one prayer at night, and the pain was gone when I woke up the next morning (and it's been more than 2 years now without returning....), see all of these answered prayers add up. So I know God is real. To total certainty, now (which is frightening in yet another way occasionally when I reflect on this, but now I have almost no fear of anything). And I fear Him, because He really can do anything, and all those sharp warnings in the Bible are not just maybes.
It's all real. All of it.