How do I walk away?

singpeace · May 21, 2017

I have been the primary caregiver to my elderly parents for last 12 yrs or so. My siblings won't help me, and I've come to terms with that. One of my siblings calls our parents constantly to talk, and somehow was given Power of Attorney, and I did not know about this for 10 years. Recently I found out that my parents also sold their home to my sister for One Dollar.

If my sister won't help me out with taking them to medical appointments and procedures, and just checking on them, then why was she given all the power to make decisions if something happens to them? And why in the world was it a secret?

I want to walk away even though so far I'm the only one making the trips to take care of them. I feel uneasy about how these things were done behind my back. I would have been a supportive participant if only I had been included in the discussion. It's crazy. Also my sister has a tendency to go into rages and use abusive language toward me as well as lie to me, so right now we aren't speaking. I just want to walk away. I'm a Christian, and I feel guilty but I also feel a sudden need to protect myself; my heart and mind from a hurt that is bound to come.

Any advice? I am consumed with this to the point of depression.

Kenny'sID · May 21, 2017

This is bad, kinda been there myself.

I want to say be the better person and just keep doing what you are doing but at the same time I know how this can eat at a person, and not sure what I'd do.

I can say to do that would very likely reap a huge reward in the beyond, far exceeding 5 houses if you just humbly do the right thing as you always have been.

Sam91 · May 21, 2017

I don't know what to suggest other than getting yourself more support. Could you perhaps talk to a charity set up for carers? Speak to your pastor too for the spiritual side of it. It is tough going it alone but...

Remember as a Christian you have God dwelling in you and you are never alone. You can do all things in Him who strengths you. Philippians somewhere.

Also, he gives strength to the weary. Isaiah 40 second half of chapter.

Psalm 91. Rest in His shelter.

Sorry to have to run and leave you and not actually narrow down those verses a bit better but its past my bedtime. I will get on my knees and pray in earnest for you. I hope you get a better answer soon. Thinking of you and will check to see how things went when I log on tomorrow. Rest in the Lord, tell Him your worries. Let Him be your comfort. He will bring you through this and if you trust in Him it will be a lot easier a process.

Love in Christ, Samantha

Solomons Porch · May 21, 2017

Wow, I don't have any advice but I do feel for you in this situation. I know this hurts and confuses you. I will definitely be praying for you to receive peace and an answer from God concerning what to do. I'm so sorry, I know that hurt you.

Solomons Porch · May 21, 2017

Wait actually, I'm gonna encourage YOU with your own words !!
Malachi - . . . Test Me, and see if I won't return to you a blessing too vast for you to receive

singpeace · May 21, 2017

Thank you everyone! I feel your love and friendship. I need that so much right now. I look to the Lord for answers, and I know He uses you to help me in that process. Praying and hoping.

Presbyterian Continuist · May 21, 2017

Kenny'sID said:
This is bad, kinda been there myself.

I want to say be the better person and just keep doing what you are doing but at the same time I know how this can eat at a person, and not sure what I'd do.

I can say to do that would very likely reap a huge reward in the beyond, far exceeding 5 houses if you just humbly do the right thing as you always have been.

I think that you are being exploited. As long as you remain where you are and continue to be the fall person, your sister will continue to behave the way she is. I am not saying to walk away altogether, but you can withdraw your involvement for a temporary period and to advise your sister that you will not continue to be used by her. This may cause quite a conflict between you two, but it will only be a battle of words. If have have the resilience of stick to your guns and refuse continue support, then your sister will be forced to take over the reigns. You need to realise that your mother is also allowing this to happen, so if your support is withdrawn, she has only herself to blame.

In Christian terms, it is not a lack of love to do this. Loving others does not mean that you should allow yourself to be used and exploited by others. It may be a greater act of love to withdraw yourself and to put your sister in the place where she has to give greater actual support for your mother.

This is a principle that God does with us as times. When we get a little off the track with Him, He withdraws His presence from us (although He never leaves or forsakes us), so that we will run to Christ for forgiveness and reassurance. It is not that God loves us less, but that it is Him showing His love for us to take away our comfort in order to draw us to Christ.

So, it may be an act of love for you to withdraw yourself in order for your sister to take a more active role in support of your mother. I don't think you should feel even one bit guilty about this.

frienden thalord · May 21, 2017

Solomons Porch said:
Wait actually, I'm gonna encourage YOU with your own words !!
Malachi - . . . Test Me, and see if I won't return to you a blessing too vast for you to receive

reap the spiritual benefits of knowing Christ more.
People treat people horrible. But God changed me so I just say forgive them.
And slay sologirl.

Johnnz · May 21, 2017

That is horrible but not uncommon. I have come across may situations where the one doing the caring is overlooked or even criticised by the one being cared for while uninvolved family members are favoured.

Your sisters may have manipulated your mother. Can you ask your mother why she did that?

It may be time to consider telling your sisters that from day x you will no longer be looking after your mother and given her generosity towards them it is now their turn to care for her properly. Then bunker down for the storm, but remain resolute.

John
NZ

ToBeLoved · May 21, 2017

i don't have any advice for you, but my heart is with you and I will pray for you.

Kenny'sID · May 21, 2017

Johnnz said:
Your sisters may have manipulated your mother. Can you ask your mother why she did that?

That was one of my first thoughts. I don't want to make any direct accusations but if one will stand by and let others unfairly do all the work, I would certainly question what else that type of person would be capable of.

GTW27 · May 21, 2017

singpeace said:
I have been the primary caregiver to my elderly parents for last 12 yrs or so. My siblings won't help me, and I've come to terms with that. One of my siblings calls our parents constantly to talk, and somehow was given Power of Attorney, and I did not know about this for 10 years. Recently I found out that my parents also sold their home to my sister for One Dollar.

If my sister won't help me out with taking them to medical appointments and procedures, and just checking on them, then why was she given all the power to make decisions if something happens to them? And why in the world was it a secret?

I want to walk away even though so far I'm the only one making the trips to take care of them. I feel uneasy about how these things were done behind my back. I would have been a supportive participant if only I had been included in the discussion. It's crazy. Also my sister has a tendency to go into rages and use abusive language toward me as well as lie to me, so right now we aren't speaking. I just want to walk away. I'm a Christian, and I feel guilty but I also feel a sudden need to protect myself; my heart and mind from a hurt that is bound to come.

Any advice? I am consumed with this to the point of depression.

"And let us not grow weary in well doing, for in due season we shall reap if we faint not."

ub4me · May 21, 2017

Do it as unto the Lord. You obviously love your Parents very much don't let material thing get in the way of your Christ-like
Compassion. There is nothing wrong however if you need a break, telling other members of the family to step up. God sees your heart, your tears & will give you the grace to see this through.
God bless you!

longwait · May 22, 2017

Yeah, I know. Some people in our lives can be so unfair. Even our own parents! Do they love your sis more than you? Yeah, I have seen that. Even if one child takes care of them they take it for granted and don't expect anything from the other but seem to love them more. But if you do your duty towards your parents and just don't dwell on how they treated you and continue to take care of them then the Lord will see it and will reward you in the end.

Sam91 · May 22, 2017

Kenny'sID said:
That was one of my first thoughts. I don't want to make any direct accusations but if one will stand by and let others unfairly do all the work, I would certainly question what else that type of person would be capable of.

It may also have been due to wanting to include the sister because they knew you would be there to help if need be, whereas they felt your sister might need persuaded to not leave everything as a burden on you. Maybe they thought you were too caring for the responsibility in case tough decisions were needed like a DNR (do not resucitate notice attached to care plan in the UK) was needed.

How are you today? Have you managed to feel a bit more peace and have you worked out how to get more support?

God bless you.

singpeace · May 25, 2017

Oscarr said:
I think that you are being exploited. As long as you remain where you are and continue to be the fall person, your sister will continue to behave the way she is. I am not saying to walk away altogether, but you can withdraw your involvement for a temporary period and to advise your sister that you will not continue to be used by her. This may cause quite a conflict between you two, but it will only be a battle of words. If have have the resilience of stick to your guns and refuse continue support, then your sister will be forced to take over the reigns. You need to realise that your mother is also allowing this to happen, so if your support is withdrawn, she has only herself to blame.

In Christian terms, it is not a lack of love to do this. Loving others does not mean that you should allow yourself to be used and exploited by others. It may be a greater act of love to withdraw yourself and to put your sister in the place where she has to give greater actual support for your mother.

This is a principle that God does with us as times. When we get a little off the track with Him, He withdraws His presence from us (although He never leaves or forsakes us), so that we will run to Christ for forgiveness and reassurance. It is not that God loves us less, but that it is Him showing His love for us to take away our comfort in order to draw us to Christ.

So, it may be an act of love for you to withdraw yourself in order for your sister to take a more active role in support of your mother. I don't think you should feel even one bit guilty about this.

Thank you so much! I need to hear this kind of common sense and wisdom. I've been so weighed down with this and feeling totally responsible. But at the same time I have no peace. Thank you!!! I feel your advice is correct.

Presbyterian Continuist · May 25, 2017

singpeace said:
Thank you so much! I need to hear this kind of common sense and wisdom. I've been so weighed down with this and feeling totally responsible. But at the same time I have no peace. Thank you!!! I feel your advice is correct.

singpeace · May 25, 2017

Johnnz said:
That is horrible but not uncommon. I have come across may situations where the one doing the caring is overlooked or even criticised by the one being cared for while uninvolved family members are favoured.

Your sisters may have manipulated your mother. Can you ask your mother why she did that?

It may be time to consider telling your sisters that from day x you will no longer be looking after your mother and given her generosity towards them it is now their turn to care for her properly. Then bunker down for the storm, but remain resolute.

John
NZ

Thank you! I am so grateful for how you so perfectly worded my situation. [the one doing the caring is overlooked or even criticised by the one being cared for while uninvolved family members are favoured.]

As a Christian wife of an ordained minister, I pray to live an honorable life of Grace. For years I have enthusiastically taken care of my parents. I've always gone for sickness and crisis and stayed for every surgery (3 spine surgeries, 4 joint replacements, a complex hernia = feeding tube), Dad's Stroke, and Mom's progressive Parkinson's. I loved being there to help and considered it a priceless thing. I even gave my sister a pass; tried to operate in the Fruits of the Spirit. So therein lies my struggle ---- what is honorable and good? ------ what is wise? ---- What will bring me peace? -- peace is where God's answer is. Thank you again!

singpeace · May 25, 2017

Sam91 said:
It may also have been due to wanting to include the sister because they knew you would be there to help if need be, whereas they felt your sister might need persuaded to not leave everything as a burden on you. Maybe they thought you were too caring for the responsibility in case tough decisions were needed like a DNR (do not resucitate notice attached to care plan in the UK) was needed.

How are you today? Have you managed to feel a bit more peace and have you worked out how to get more support?

God bless you.

Thank you Sam. I have always looked to God for things/decisions/situations this difficult. I know His Peace intimately, and when I have thought, struggled, and done all I can to find answers; I end up seeking His presence. I have peace about stepping back and telling my sister she needs to be more helpful then let the chips fall.

In the meantime, I will seek to stay in the Lord's presence and seek his peace, wisdom and grace.

Thank you so very much!

ValleyGal · May 26, 2017

The house has been sold to your sister. She now owns it. She should move in and take care of them now.

Talk with your parents. Let them know how hurt and used you feel, and how torn you now are because of your love for them, but your sister's ownership of their lives (PoA and home). Hopefully a talk like that would open the door to an honest look at your family, and perhaps a good platform for demonstrating the ministry of Christ - reconciliation.

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