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Feeling so alone with social anxiety

journey77

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Hi,

I have been struggling with social anxiety for most of my life. I believe my background has caused most of the social anxiety for me. I'm reaching out, because naturally it is very difficult for me to open up to others about my social anxiety. There have been some times when I opened up with my previous churches' pastors and they were not very understanding and pretty much just told me to go to more of the women's bible studies and that I'd overcome my social anxiety. (If only it were THAT easy!) Every time I went, almost none of the ladies would include me in conversation. Since then I've changed churches by God's guidance and my new church is much more grace-filled and the ladies there have included me more (although no deep friendships have resulted, as usual). And so I have had trauma of being misunderstood on top of already struggling with social anxiety. I feel very alone in my struggle... part of me thinks that others may be struggling in the same way, but I just haven't talked to many people who do. I desperately need to know that I am not alone.

I have a very difficult time connecting to other people. In group settings, it's very easy for me to be overlooked and not included. God has certainly been at work, because until a few months ago, I didn't realize how perfectly He loves me. Living daily in this new realization of His love has relieved a lot of my general anxiety. Which is amazing and I rejoice in His work! But my social anxiety is still there and it's something I'm praying about and feel sure God will help me, but I desperately need connection with other people.

For years, I have these types of thoughts: "I don't belong. I am an outcast. I'm not accepted. Other people don't care about me." There are times that I've felt so disconnected from other people that I seriously wondered if I was actually human. That is the degree to which I have suffered in my thoughts.

In social situations it is not unusual for me to have a racing pulse, sweat extra, hold my muscles rigid, clench my jaw, etc. I do it without even realizing it and I try to be aware so as not to put myself into pain as later I will often have a headache or muscle pain from it. (I also have health problems.)

It greatly pains me that the topics I most want to hear on is very rarely spoken on in church or by other Christians. (Social anxiety/rejection/feeling alone) One lady author, Lysa TerKeurst, is an exception as when I read her book "Uninvited" it helped start a healing process in me in regards to my relationship with God. I praise Him for that. But even finding blogs or online articles about the immense pain of social anxiety is very hard to find. Is that because those who struggle with social anxiety hide it away and are afraid to share about it?

It often feels like no one else is struggling as deeply as I am with these thoughts and feelings. I see other people all the time talking easily with other people and making friendships. It's like other people just know what to say and how to act naturally. When I get in group social situations, it's very common for me to feel "frozen" in place, both physically and mentally, and not know who to talk to or what to say. I desperately want to connect with other people, but it just doesn't seem like many other people want to connect with me. I am more of a 'deep' person than a surface conversationalist, although I can chit-chat to some degree. I take an active interest in other people and their lives. I am a compassionate and sensitive person.

I grew up in a Christian cult (which most people have never even heard of) and then when I was 19 years old, God opened my eyes and delivered me out of that legalistic cult to walk in His grace. God has been at work in my life since I was 12 years old when He saved me. I've been reading scripture since that age. (I'm in my late 20's.) Being in the cult made me feel VERY different from other people. The women in the group were required to be legalistic on the outside (skirts/dresses, long hair, no jewelry, etc) and they had an exclusive mindset. Another thing is that my mother was emotionally and mentally abusive to me in my childhood years causing me a lot of pain; some of it has resolved and some still lingers. (My mom and I have a good relationship now.) Also, I was home-schooled for a few years and thus I was never part of junior high or high school; I graduated early and started college early. So I didn't exactly have a typical upbringing. I was already a shy and timid person as a child and all these things pushed me further into social anxiety.

I would appreciate loving Christian feedback.. you have no idea how much it would mean to me to have you reach out to me.
 

DeerGlow

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Hi,

I have been struggling with social anxiety for most of my life. I believe my background has caused most of the social anxiety for me. I'm reaching out, because naturally it is very difficult for me to open up to others about my social anxiety. There have been some times when I opened up with my previous churches' pastors and they were not very understanding and pretty much just told me to go to more of the women's bible studies and that I'd overcome my social anxiety. (If only it were THAT easy!) Every time I went, almost none of the ladies would include me in conversation. Since then I've changed churches by God's guidance and my new church is much more grace-filled and the ladies there have included me more (although no deep friendships have resulted, as usual). And so I have had trauma of being misunderstood on top of already struggling with social anxiety. I feel very alone in my struggle... part of me thinks that others may be struggling in the same way, but I just haven't talked to many people who do. I desperately need to know that I am not alone.

I have a very difficult time connecting to other people. In group settings, it's very easy for me to be overlooked and not included. God has certainly been at work, because until a few months ago, I didn't realize how perfectly He loves me. Living daily in this new realization of His love has relieved a lot of my general anxiety. Which is amazing and I rejoice in His work! But my social anxiety is still there and it's something I'm praying about and feel sure God will help me, but I desperately need connection with other people.

For years, I have these types of thoughts: "I don't belong. I am an outcast. I'm not accepted. Other people don't care about me." There are times that I've felt so disconnected from other people that I seriously wondered if I was actually human. That is the degree to which I have suffered in my thoughts.

In social situations it is not unusual for me to have a racing pulse, sweat extra, hold my muscles rigid, clench my jaw, etc. I do it without even realizing it and I try to be aware so as not to put myself into pain as later I will often have a headache or muscle pain from it. (I also have health problems.)

It greatly pains me that the topics I most want to hear on is very rarely spoken on in church or by other Christians. (Social anxiety/rejection/feeling alone) One lady author, Lysa TerKeurst, is an exception as when I read her book "Uninvited" it helped start a healing process in me in regards to my relationship with God. I praise Him for that. But even finding blogs or online articles about the immense pain of social anxiety is very hard to find. Is that because those who struggle with social anxiety hide it away and are afraid to share about it?

It often feels like no one else is struggling as deeply as I am with these thoughts and feelings. I see other people all the time talking easily with other people and making friendships. It's like other people just know what to say and how to act naturally. When I get in group social situations, it's very common for me to feel "frozen" in place, both physically and mentally, and not know who to talk to or what to say. I desperately want to connect with other people, but it just doesn't seem like many other people want to connect with me. I am more of a 'deep' person than a surface conversationalist, although I can chit-chat to some degree. I take an active interest in other people and their lives. I am a compassionate and sensitive person.

I grew up in a Christian cult (which most people have never even heard of) and then when I was 19 years old, God opened my eyes and delivered me out of that legalistic cult to walk in His grace. God has been at work in my life since I was 12 years old when He saved me. I've been reading scripture since that age. (I'm in my late 20's.) Being in the cult made me feel VERY different from other people. The women in the group were required to be legalistic on the outside (skirts/dresses, long hair, no jewelry, etc) and they had an exclusive mindset. Another thing is that my mother was emotionally and mentally abusive to me in my childhood years causing me a lot of pain; some of it has resolved and some still lingers. (My mom and I have a good relationship now.) Also, I was home-schooled for a few years and thus I was never part of junior high or high school; I graduated early and started college early. So I didn't exactly have a typical upbringing. I was already a shy and timid person as a child and all these things pushed me further into social anxiety.

I would appreciate loving Christian feedback.. you have no idea how much it would mean to me to have you reach out to me.

I have not had abuse like that, but I also get left out a lot. At the end of senior year it's easier, everyone will go soon and not remember how weird I was, but still I can't be completely myself. I've been accused of being a liar or attention-seeker (to use more child-friendly words) and my unusual interests (like vocaloid) make me unable to relate to people and sometimes I'm afraid they'll think I'm a freak or acting like a hipster or something for attention. :oops: Social anxiety is a detriment.
 
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journey77

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I have not had abuse like that, but I also get left out a lot. At the end of senior year it's easier, everyone will go soon and not remember how weird I was, but still I can't be completely myself. I've been accused of being a liar or attention-seeker (to use more child-friendly words) and my unusual interests (like vocaloid) make me unable to relate to people and sometimes I'm afraid they'll think I'm a freak or acting like a hipster or something for attention. :oops: Social anxiety is a detriment.

DeerGlow, I'm really sorry you are left out a lot. It hurts a lot, doesn't it? One thing about me for my age group that is 'odd' is that I don't have children even though I'm married now for 7 years. And we're not planning on having children (only the furry kind, which I have one currently). I think it's challenging to be different than the majority. I looked up vocaloid and it seems like a great artistic medium. I'm a musical person myself. :) Prayers for you as you finish high school and battle social anxiety.
 
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byhisgrace7

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Journey.. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, feeling so different than others, feeling isolated and left out, longing for deep conversations instead of just chit chat, feeling like something was inherently wrong with me, on and on. The major thing that helped me was crying out to God over and over for help and it seemed like forever but I finally found a medication that worked. Also, there are a lot of wonderful people on here who suffer too and can help as well.

My mother was verbally abusive too. I went to public school but hated every minute of it.

There is hope for you to find peace and love through Christ and He will help you. I'm here to listen and be a friend to you.
 
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journey77

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Journey.. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, feeling so different than others, feeling isolated and left out, longing for deep conversations instead of just chit chat, feeling like something was inherently wrong with me, on and on. The major thing that helped me was crying out to God over and over for help and it seemed like forever but I finally found a medication that worked. Also, there are a lot of wonderful people on here who suffer too and can help as well.

My mother was verbally abusive too. I went to public school but hated every minute of it.

There is hope for you to find peace and love through Christ and He will help you. I'm here to listen and be a friend to you.

Thank you for your loving reply, byhisgrace7. It helps me. Do you feel there are certain thoughts that God was able to show you were untrue? Was it through scriptures or did He just renew your mind/heart and give you new thoughts and beliefs? If you feel like sharing.

I know that medication can be a great tool for many people. I was on anti-depressants (some of which also tackle anxiety) from about age 12 to 24. I finally decided they weren't helping me enough to continue so God helped me discontinue. I used to suffer with depression, but God gradually eased that and I rarely have depression anymore. :) I don't mean this is the right avenue for everyone, on going off of medication, but this is specifically what I believed was the right choice for me, at this time due to how it wasn't helping that much. I totally support others being on medications if it is helping them. I'm not against medication, but I think a lot of my struggle is one of wrong beliefs about myself in relation to others and even in relation to God. Due to the abuse I suffered and the brain washing of being in a cult. I'm so sorry for the pain you have suffered, yet I know God works all things for good. I do believe that. But I long for healing in my mind and heart. Thank you for being a friend to me. It warms my heart. I'm here for you too.
 
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byhisgrace7

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The biggest thing God showed me was to accept myself the way I was then, even when nothing seemed to be changing. I focused on verses of Who I am in Christ. Medication didn't work for me at first either but things had changed enough that when I tried again, it worked for me. Then again a lot of my worst times was during that time of the month with horrible depression and I would be in a bad place mentally and not able to talk to anybody. Leaving my church and going to a different one helped me too.

I still struggle with making friends but I have found some great people online here and other places.
 
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DeerGlow

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DeerGlow, I'm really sorry you are left out a lot. It hurts a lot, doesn't it? One thing about me for my age group that is 'odd' is that I don't have children even though I'm married now for 7 years. And we're not planning on having children (only the furry kind, which I have one currently). I think it's challenging to be different than the majority. I looked up vocaloid and it seems like a great artistic medium. I'm a musical person myself. :) Prayers for you as you finish high school and battle social anxiety.

I got invited to a graduation party though and I was surprised. School is *basically* over now. Nothing left to do.
 
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journey77

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The biggest thing God showed me was to accept myself the way I was then, even when nothing seemed to be changing. I focused on verses of Who I am in Christ. Medication didn't work for me at first either but things had changed enough that when I tried again, it worked for me. Then again a lot of my worst times was during that time of the month with horrible depression and I would be in a bad place mentally and not able to talk to anybody. Leaving my church and going to a different one helped me too.

I still struggle with making friends but I have found some great people online here and other places.

It sounds like there have been multiple components to your anxiety. I was thinking of going through scriptures to see what God says about who I am in Him. Thank you for the idea.

I am thankful you have found help for your own anxiety. You remind me of myself!! I just changed churches this past year and it has really helped me. I feel really happy about going to church now. My previous church preached grace, but then they were constantly seeking the members of the church to pressure them into going to more events, basically policing them without really letting the Holy Spirit guide people. There were other issues too there that put me in a very bad place, because they made me feel like absolute dirt. I don't think they were trying to be that way, but it's how it made me feel when they didn't take the time to listen to me or truly care. The pastors would schedule a meeting and then preach at me for an hour or more (if I were brave enough to share my very difficult struggles like with social anxiety) without ever letting me share and feel understood. It was so horrible. I'd cry and feel horrible for days. I'd feel depressed and even have suicidal thoughts. I went through that a few times and went I realized it was becoming a pattern, I said enough was enough, and that was not the right church for me. (I had been there for 5 years!) They wanted to try to get us to stay in the church, but at that point I was so traumatized that I could hardly talk to them at all. I need loving, gentle people in my life who show the deep loving, gentleness of Christ.

So being part of that church was literally killing my communication with God. I constantly felt like I couldn't measure up to other people in the church. I felt like I never prayed or read enough; basically that I could never "do" enough. I felt stuck for such a long time. Then finally God just broke through all of that with such tender, loving thoughts and scriptures for me. It has been very healing for me. I had no idea God could love me that much. Now I focus on QUALITY of time with Him..not how long or how much I do of anything. I am in a relationship with Him and I just "be" with Him! My foundation is His love.

The church I am in now is very grace and scripture-filled. The greatest healing component I've had thus far is grasping God's perfect love for me. Because I've felt rejected by a lot of people throughout my life, I unknowingly started attributing that to God. So it was hard to be really open with Him or believe that He deeply loved me. I know differently now which has taken away a lot of my general anxiety.

I also struggle with making friends. I do have one very good friend that God granted me; we email regularly as she is too ill to see me very often in person. But I long to have a connection with other people like at my church. I feel included fairly well with events, but there is still a disconnect in my heart and mind between me and others during those times. It's really difficult for me.
 
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onetezza

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Hi,

I have been struggling with social anxiety for most of my life. I believe my background has caused most of the social anxiety for me. I'm reaching out, because naturally it is very difficult for me to open up to others about my social anxiety. There have been some times when I opened up with my previous churches' pastors and they were not very understanding and pretty much just told me to go to more of the women's bible studies and that I'd overcome my social anxiety. (If only it were THAT easy!) Every time I went, almost none of the ladies would include me in conversation. Since then I've changed churches by God's guidance and my new church is much more grace-filled and the ladies there have included me more (although no deep friendships have resulted, as usual). And so I have had trauma of being misunderstood on top of already struggling with social anxiety. I feel very alone in my struggle... part of me thinks that others may be struggling in the same way, but I just haven't talked to many people who do. I desperately need to know that I am not alone.

I have a very difficult time connecting to other people. In group settings, it's very easy for me to be overlooked and not included. God has certainly been at work, because until a few months ago, I didn't realize how perfectly He loves me. Living daily in this new realization of His love has relieved a lot of my general anxiety. Which is amazing and I rejoice in His work! But my social anxiety is still there and it's something I'm praying about and feel sure God will help me, but I desperately need connection with other people.

For years, I have these types of thoughts: "I don't belong. I am an outcast. I'm not accepted. Other people don't care about me." There are times that I've felt so disconnected from other people that I seriously wondered if I was actually human. That is the degree to which I have suffered in my thoughts.

In social situations it is not unusual for me to have a racing pulse, sweat extra, hold my muscles rigid, clench my jaw, etc. I do it without even realizing it and I try to be aware so as not to put myself into pain as later I will often have a headache or muscle pain from it. (I also have health problems.)

It greatly pains me that the topics I most want to hear on is very rarely spoken on in church or by other Christians. (Social anxiety/rejection/feeling alone) One lady author, Lysa TerKeurst, is an exception as when I read her book "Uninvited" it helped start a healing process in me in regards to my relationship with God. I praise Him for that. But even finding blogs or online articles about the immense pain of social anxiety is very hard to find. Is that because those who struggle with social anxiety hide it away and are afraid to share about it?

It often feels like no one else is struggling as deeply as I am with these thoughts and feelings. I see other people all the time talking easily with other people and making friendships. It's like other people just know what to say and how to act naturally. When I get in group social situations, it's very common for me to feel "frozen" in place, both physically and mentally, and not know who to talk to or what to say. I desperately want to connect with other people, but it just doesn't seem like many other people want to connect with me. I am more of a 'deep' person than a surface conversationalist, although I can chit-chat to some degree. I take an active interest in other people and their lives. I am a compassionate and sensitive person.

I grew up in a Christian cult (which most people have never even heard of) and then when I was 19 years old, God opened my eyes and delivered me out of that legalistic cult to walk in His grace. God has been at work in my life since I was 12 years old when He saved me. I've been reading scripture since that age. (I'm in my late 20's.) Being in the cult made me feel VERY different from other people. The women in the group were required to be legalistic on the outside (skirts/dresses, long hair, no jewelry, etc) and they had an exclusive mindset. Another thing is that my mother was emotionally and mentally abusive to me in my childhood years causing me a lot of pain; some of it has resolved and some still lingers. (My mom and I have a good relationship now.) Also, I was home-schooled for a few years and thus I was never part of junior high or high school; I graduated early and started college early. So I didn't exactly have a typical upbringing. I was already a shy and timid person as a child and all these things pushed me further into social anxiety.

I would appreciate loving Christian feedback.. you have no idea how much it would mean to me to have you reach out to me.
 
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onetezza

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hi journey
i spent most of my young years unable to relate socially : groups would freak me out. I could deal one-on-one, but only just
In desperation, and after the collapse of my marriage, I cried out to God, asking for healing,
Well, this did not happen instantly, but it did happen ;
Over time, I faced my fear of others , asked The Lord to forgive me my fear of people (fear of man is a snare,"Be anxious for nothing" ;both from His Word). I also forgave those who had hurt, abused me (to the extent we forgive others, will we be forgiven)
Slowly, (painfully at times, because it IS painful to face our fears,and to grow as people), I improved

Today, I am not at all socially phobic ; I have even done (some) public speaking in order to more fully address my fears of being seen by others,incurring others judgement etc

This is not to say my journey has ended ; life is continual growth, continual learning
But it is great to be free of social phobia
As the Word says "if the Son shall make you free, you shall be free indeed"
Hope this is of help
Best Christian love
 
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